Double Trust Dating

Category: Spirituality

  • The “Real” Solution To All Your Dating And Relationship Problems

    The “Real” Solution To All Your Dating And Relationship Problems

    Many spiritual traditions teach that there comes a point where you just “give up,” not in the sense of lacking any feeling or being cynical, but simply surrendering to whatever reality might be out there (God, “the universe,” your true self, and so forth) because you have no choice left but to do so. When you reach this point of surrender where you truly have let go of what you had a toxic attachment to, that is when you finally achieve the thing you were seeking to get in the first place.

    The Buddhist philosopher Alan Watts describes it like this:

    What happens is that we’ve practiced so often, that we find out we can’t do it… and it happens at the moment you know you can’t do it. When you reach a certain point of despair, when you know that you are the one weird child who will never be able to swim, at that moment you’re swimming.

    Because, the desperation and the total inability to do it at all has brought you to a point which we might call: ‘Don’t care’, you stop trying, you stop not trying, trying to get it that way, you just have arrived at the insight that your decision, your will, doesn’t have any part in the thing at all and that’s what you needed to know…

    Many people find that with dating and relationships, searching for “the one” or even any outcome, whether it be sex, friendships, or even fixing a relationship, comes only when you reach a point where you both stop trying and stop not trying, as Watts mentions. While this is a very “zen” thing to say, when you get there, you know it. Others call it “flow.”

    This point often comes as the result of a total and utter ego beat-down you never expected. Perhaps, it may result from a realization that you have radically and spectacularly failed to achieve your goals and you now have “nothing to lose.” Maybe you were laid up with a debilitating illness or injury which showed you that you lack the control you clung to (often getting near death can cause the same impact).

    In dating and relationships we often seek the most control. It could be clinging to exact numbers, like age, height, and weight when searching for compatibility, rather than making a genuine connection. It is often expressed as concern with how a partner looks to the world rather than how someone makes you feel. Relationships becoming routine, stale, and boring based on maintaining this control.

    The problem is that this control doesn’t exist. And this comes out in challenging moments. Seeking control in this way is like catching water with a net: a pointless endeavor that may seem like something is happening, but really it is not.

    Why do I say this? You don’t have to be Buddha to realize that nothing is permanent. Everything will end. No amount of ego control will prevent the pain that will come from a break-up, the death of a loved one, or even a rejection. Everything ends, even if that is death of you or your spouse at 100 years old.

    So maintaining this control will ultimately provide no comfort, but it will stop you from taking the risks and living in the moments that provide the most joy. It will stop you from connecting (or re-connecting) with your significant other. It will strategically forestall the “downs” but you will have no “ups.”

    To quote Watts once again:

    “But you can’t see ‘it’ when you are trying to get ‘it.’ And you can still less see ‘it’ when you’re trying to get ‘it’ fast. So there is no alternative, but to get to the point that you can’t get ‘it’ at all.

    You are going to be you, the same slob you’ve always been. You can’t change it and all your good resolutions are just bombast. Then, you start to be real.”

    Of course, the irony is that this is no “solution” at all, but was already there within you and around you to begin with. As the Chinese poem goes:

    It is so clear that it takes a long time to see,
    You must know that the fire which you are seeking,
    Is the fire in your own lantern.
    And that your rice has been cooked from the very beginning.

    So when are you going to get real? Why not today?

  • Dating Karma: You Are Getting Out Of Dating What You Put In

    Dating Karma: You Are Getting Out Of Dating What You Put In

    You hear the word “karma” thrown around a lot with dating. It’s usually used in a negative sense – as a way to declare that an ex or someone who rejected you will “get what they deserve.” In this sense, karma is basically used to mean “you’ll get what you deserve because you wronged me!” In fact, you may be reading this because you want some sweet, sweet karma to be visited upon someone you can’t stand.

    I’m here to tell you that karma, as it is understood in an Eastern philosophical sense, is much deeper than just a drama-queen (or king) using the term on a social media post after he or she got mad at someone.

    Whether you believe it to be something spiritual or supernatural (as Christians believe in a God who dispenses divine justice), or even just an accurate, rational description of how reality plays out, your dating life is definitely impacted by karma, but probably not in the way you think (hint: I am suggesting karma is about YOU, not the person you’re angry at).

    I have no idea if karma is some sort of actual reality, spiritual or otherwise, but it is a useful way to understand life.

    Alan Watts, Episcopal minister turned Buddhist academic, offers perhaps the simplest definition of karma as it applies to dating and other areas of life as transcribed from one of his many lectures:

    “You always get what you want, invariably, even though you may think it’s entirely opposed to your wishes. But, if it’s your karma, everything that happens to you…

    To put it in another way, everything that comes to you is a return to you of what goes out of you. Yes, obviously that’s absurd, if you confine the definition of “yourself” to your voluntary, conscious, behavior.

    [However] that’s a ridiculous definition of “oneself.” “Oneself” by any stretch of the imagination, must involve far more than the conscious, voluntary aspects of our behavior.

    To summarize: you get out of life what you put into it, but what you put in is more than just what you think you’re putting in. You are putting in a lot of subconscious behavior that you don’t even acknowledge, and may even be blind to.

    Most of us think that our conscious, ego-based intentions are what we are “putting into” life. But the ego is filled with fantasy. The ego tells us that we “deserve” something, even if our lives don’t reflect what we deserve. The ego says “I eat like crap and brag about it, but I deserve to be thin” or “I joke about never reading a book, but I want to date a guy who is smart.”

    Karma isn’t based on your fantasies or what you think you deserve. Karma is based on what you put into the world.

    A friend of mine realized he was “settling” for women that were “beneath him.” However, look at it this way…karma doesn’t care what your ego thinks. If you are dating them, they aren’t “beneath you”: they are at your level. Dating them reflects who you really are, and it should come as no surprise that if you date people like that, then that is what will come into your life. I mean, hell, he dated a woman like this for over a year. Which is more accurate in terms of “influencing reality,” his internal thought that he deserved someone better, or his action of committing to that type of woman for over a year?

    My friend stopped messing around with women like that, stood up to women who mistreated him, and actually turned down ones that didn’t fit with his values, and guess what? Within a month he found a woman who was perfect for him.

    I’m going to provide two real-life examples of dating karma in action and I’ll keep it very simple, but blunt.

    The first example is a guy I almost worked with as a client. I was very cool with him and listened to a lot of his issues before taking him on (or charging him). What I noticed was a tendency to make excuses for why he was single for years. He is a successful guy by most metrics, but he was horribly unsuccessful at dating. He spent a lot of his time doing a variety of things and whenever I wanted to discuss getting his shit together, he’d always want to talk about something else.  Something “came up” so he couldn’t work with me as a client, but he said he would get back to me, but never did. That is fine. Over the years I have learned not to work with unmotivated clients.

    A few months ago I heard from him again, to question whether dating was possible during this pandemic. Years later, and there is yet another excuse.

    Karma.

    Here is another example. A friend of mine is constantly posting on social media about the lack of good guys out there. I see the memes, complaining, etc, constantly. Yet, she gets on dating apps only to kill time. She activates her profile when she needs a confidence boost, deactivates it soon after, and doesn’t message back. She lets the conversations die and ghosts people frequently. If a guy approaches her in public, she clams up or gets pissed at him for being a creep. At work, she is the opposite: she is organized and takes names and kicks butt. She is successful in her career and will talk to strangers if it means furthering her career.

    She laments the lack of dates with quality guys, but is advancing at work.

    By Watts’ definition, she thinks she is putting out a “give me a quality guy!” to the universe because she talks about it a lot and thinks about it, but the reality is otherwise.

    Karma.

    Karma isn’t a “bitch”; it just is.

    During this quarantine I read that the average person is streaming eight hours of content a day. From a karmic perspective many people are going to come out of this pandemic with a lot more knowledge of a their favorite shows. And, they will have been entertained.

    But many will still complain that the pandemic is a “horrible time” to start a business, find a date, get in shape, or be socially fulfilled. Yet, there are many people who are finding success doing those things. But, I promise you they aren’t watching Netflix for eight hours a day.

    Again, I’m not even judging. It just is. You put in that, and get out that.

    Karma defined this way is actually a relief to me. I am happy that generally speaking I get out of life what I put in.

    I look back at my dating and relationships in the past and I can clearly see what was happening. I considered myself confident, physically attractive, hilarious, enlightened, wise, and having everything figured out.

    In reality, none of that was true most of the time. And my dating life and relationships reflected the reality, not the fantasy my ego set up. There wasn’t some mean outside force making me dateless or in unfulfilling relationships: it was what I was putting in.

    And, just as I lost 50 pounds, and went from being unable to run a mile to running over five half-marathons and seven Tough Mudder races thanks to changing my actions, when I change what I put “into” reality, I can change what I get out of it. And so can you.