Double Trust Dating

Author: David Bennett

4 Reasons Why Your Ex Moved On So Fast (and Why It Means You Dodged a Bullet)

Breakups are hard enough, but seeing your ex with someone new immediately after that can feel like salt in the wound. Did you even matter? Were they faking everything? And how are they “in love” already???

Before you spiral, take a breath, and take a closer look. Here are four reasons why they moved on so fast… and why it’s actually proof that you dodged a major emotional disaster.

1. They Were Emotionally Detached Long Before You Broke Up

A fast rebound is often a sign that they checked out of the relationship long before it ended. Instead of communicating, they detached quietly by emotionally distancing themselves while keeping you around until they were ready to move on. By the time the breakup happened, they were already in “next” mode.

Red flag: They stopped being emotionally present months ago but pretended nothing was wrong.

2. They Need Constant Validation and Can’t Be Alone

Some people don’t move on…they latch on, to the next person they need to feel complete. If your ex jumped straight into a new “serious” relationship, it could be less about love and more about fear: fear of being alone, fear of sitting with themselves, and fear of not having someone to prop up their ego.

They didn’t heal or reflect. They just filled the silence. And that’s not romantic…that’s a red flag in disguise.

Red flag: They treated relationships like a security blanket, not a connection.

3. They Were Already Eyeing Someone Else (Yep, Even If It Was “Just a Friend”)

Some people line up their next source of attention before the relationship even ends. Maybe it was a “friend,” a coworker, or someone they “just met,” but the overlap is strangely suspicious. If they moved on suspiciously fast, they may have had emotional (or even physical) connections in place already.

That’s not love, but rather a lack of relationship integrity. Trust me: you don’t want to be with someone who acts like this.

Red flag: They swore nothing was going on… and then posted a soft-launch with that same “friend” two weeks later.

4. They Confuse Intensity with Connection

Love-bombing. Fast “soulmate” declarations. Some people, especially toxic ones, chase intensity and not intimacy. If your ex has a new whirlwind romance, it’s probably not about finding “the one” but rather about chasing a high. People like this tend to repeat toxic patterns, mistaking adrenaline for actual compatibility.

They’re stuck in a loop and likely that person will eventually get the same treatment that you got.

Red flag: Every relationship they have moves at lightning speed… and crashes just as fast.

If your ex moved on at record speed, it’s not a reflection of your worth, but rather a reflection of their red flags. Healthy people take time to process. They reflect. They grow. So instead of wondering why they replaced you so quickly, remind yourself:

They didn’t move on. They escaped accountability. And you? Thankfully, you escaped them and the cycle of toxicity.

July 3, 2025
4 Reasons TikTok Dating Advice Stinks

TikTok has no shortage of dating advice. Scroll for five minutes and you’ll see everything from “how to make him obsessed with you” to “why you should never date a man who breathes before 9 am.” It’s loud, fast, and mostly terrible. Here’s why TikTok dating advice often smells worse than a red flag factory on fire.

1. It’s Designed to Go Viral, Not Be Helpful

TikTok runs on engagement, not truth. So what kind of content performs best? Outrage, drama, and sweeping generalizations. That means the most popular advice isn’t the most nuanced, and it’s often the most extreme. This is why man-haters, misogynists, and toxic people often end up being the ones giving most “advice.”

If someone says, “Here’s how to have healthy communication,” they get 12 likes. But if they say, “If he takes longer than 17 minutes to text back, block him and move on, queen,” they go viral.

2. It Turns Real Psychology Into Buzzwords

Attachment styles. Love bombing. Narcissism. Gaslighting. TikTok loves these terms, but often strips them of context and scientific accuracy. Instead of helping people understand their patterns, it becomes a game of label-and-blame. Now, every ex is a narcissist, every situationship is trauma-bonding, and no one actually takes a beat to reflect.

I have made quite a bit of relationship content on TikTok and I ended up tiring of the overuse of these terms.

3. It Creates a Culture of Paranoia And Games

Many creators frame dating like war: never double text, wait three hours to reply, play it cool, be high-value, stereotype all men or women… Instead of encouraging open communication, it teaches people to game each other with passive-aggressive tactics. The result? A dating pool full of people who are too scared to show they care, and too online to be normal about it.

4. Everyone’s an “Expert,” but Few Have Experience

A lot of TikTok dating gurus are 23, single, and talking from a ring light in their bedroom. Or, they are single middle-aged men and women who have a history of toxic and failed relationships.

That’s fine…everyone has insights! But what’s dangerous is when personal opinions are delivered as gospel. Advice becomes one-size-fits-all, with zero room for personal context, lived experience, or the complexity of, you know… being human.

TikTok dating advice isn’t all bad. Some of it can certainly be empowering or eye-opening. But take it with a grain of salt, a splash of skepticism, and maybe a therapist on speed dial. The best dating advice usually comes from real conversations, not trending videos designed to generate controversy. So if you want love, take what you see with a grain of salt.

May 12, 2025
5 Red Flags That Are More Common in 2025 Than in the Past

Dating has always had red flags. You probably know them and look out for them: controlling behavior, lying, cheating, etc. Yeah, those are obvious.

But in 2025, the landscape has changed. Social media, hyper-independence culture, and emotional buzzwords have given rise to new patterns that might look “normal” on the surface… but are actually serious warning signs. Here are five red flags that are more common now than they were just a few years ago.

1. “Healing Era” Avoidance: Using Personal Growth to Dodge Accountability

Self-work is great, and so is therapy (so long as the type of therapy is effective and you have a good therapist). But if someone constantly talks about their “healing journey” as a way to avoid commitment, vulnerability, or responsibility for hurting others… that’s not growth, it’s a shield.

In 2025, it’s not uncommon for people to weaponize “therapy speak” to justify behavior that will make dating them awful. For example, if everything is always “a trigger” you might be dating a walking red flag wrapped in sage and self-help quotes.

I once dated someone who couched everything in therapy-ease and she used her supposed healing as an excuse to be late all the time and even be mean.

2. Being Overly Revealing On Social Media

While sharing things on social media can be good, to make money, share ideas, and even make friends, over-sharing is a big red flag.

Why? Some things are meant to be shared with one person or a small group of people, and not with the entire world. Some things are intimate and should be shared only with a partner or friends.

Does this person reveal too much emotionally or physically on their social media? This could be a sign that you will never get the intimacy you need, and rather you’ll be sharing it with strangers.

3. Over-Branding Themselves Instead of Being Themselves

Thanks to influencer culture, a lot of people now approach dating like they’re building a brand, not a relationship. If your date talks like they are sharing their resume, or their dating profile looks like one, i.e. it’s filled with perfectly curated photos, all of their accomplishments, or every place they travel to regularly, they aren’t likely dating for a relationship…they are just simply full of themselves and saying “look at me.” Find people who want a connection, not to show off.

4. Avoidance Disguised as “Low Maintenance”

Being chill is fine. But in 2025, emotional unavailability often comes cloaked as being “go with the flow.” If someone never wants to define the relationship, avoids emotional conversations, and thinks any request for clarity is “drama,” that’s not peace, that’s evasion.

If you want a relationship, you need someone who is willing to do a little maintenance to make the relationship work and thrive.

5. The Tech Trap

In 2025, more people are turning to tech for comfort and companionship, including AI apps, both to communicate with, but also to come up with lines to text potential dates. If your partner uses tech this way, I think it’s a red flag.

Look, I love tech. I love AI, but we’re talking about human connections here. For one, human connection requires another human. And, human connection can only exist when it’s based on authenticity and vulnerability. You can’t have these when you’re basically getting your communication from a computer.

So, red flags haven’t gone away, but they have evolved. In a world obsessed with image, independence, and instant gratification, true connection takes more courage than ever. So trust your gut…your real, human intuition.

May 9, 2025
Four Reasons Why Gen Z Are Bad At Dating

Let’s get this out of the way: Gen Z isn’t doomed. They’re smart, creative, and more emotionally aware than previous generations in many ways. Honestly, I like a lot of Gen Z people. But when it comes to dating? Something’s off. In fact, singleness is at all time highs. Why are more young people single when they literally have so many ways to meet others?

Swipe culture, situationships, and ghosting aren’t just buzzwords…they’re symptoms of a larger, messier problem. Here are four reasons Gen Z might be struggling in the romance department. Here’s why.

1. The Dating App Paradox: Too Many Options, Not Enough Connection

Dating apps were supposed to make finding love easier, but for Gen Z, they’ve turned romance into a game of digital window shopping. With unlimited options comes the illusion that something (or someone) better is just one swipe away. The result? Commitment-phobia, indecision, and a lot of “meh” dates with people who never make it past small talk. It’s hard to bond when you’re busy wondering if your soulmate is five swipes to the right.

Psychology speaks of a concept called “choice paradox.” When you’re presented with SO many options, the brain becomes overwhelmed, and as a result chooses nothing.

2. Everyone’s “Talking,” But No One’s Actually Communicating

“Talking” used to be the first step to something real. Now it’s often the final destination. Gen Z has mastered texting, ghosting, soft-launching, and strategic story-posting, but somewhere along the way, they forgot how to have vulnerable, awkward, real conversations. In a world of curated captions and ironic detachment, earnestness feels risky. So people play it cool. So cool, in fact, they never actually connect.

In fact, just go onto TikTok and see how many people are posting about how much they hate dating and/or the people they want to date, like all men or all women. How can you really connect and communicate with someone when you brag all day about not doing it?

3. Emotional Baggage at 22: The Trauma Olympics

Self-awareness is a double-edged sword. Gen Z has done an impressive job de-stigmatizing mental health, but sometimes it feels like dating has become a competition over who’s the most emotionally damaged.

Everyone’s “not ready,” “still healing,” or “working on themselves.” This is great, in theory. But eventually, healing becomes a hiding place, and dating becomes an endless cycle of almosts, maybes, and therapy-speak deflection.

4. Romance Is Cringe (Until It Isn’t)

Irony rules Gen Z culture. Sincerity? Kinda cringe. Grand romantic gestures are viewed as embarrassing or “simping,” unless they’re wrapped in sarcasm or self-aware memes. But you can’t build a relationship on irony alone. Real intimacy requires real risk, and that’s hard when everyone’s more comfortable with clever quips than honest feelings. Vulnerability has become the final frontier, and most people are too afraid to plant a flag there.

While yes, going overboard isn’t attractive, to make an emotional connection, humans need romance and openness to romance. If you can’t let yourself do it, well, you won’t connect with anyone.

However, Gen Z isn’t hopeless when it comes to love. They’re just navigating a weird, new world with different rules. If they can get past the irony, face their fears, and put down their phones for five minutes, they might find that dating isn’t dead after all.

It’s just waiting for someone brave enough to try it the old-fashioned way: awkwardly, honestly, and maybe even a little bit cringey.

May 7, 2025
Why Online Dating Is Weird And Unnatural And Doesn’t Work (Updated For 2021)

Based on the most recent data, one-third of Americans have used a dating app at some point. Previous data showed that 19% of all internet users are using some type of online dating. So, many people are familiar with the various apps and sites, which include Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish, and others.

But, a lot of people also are disillusioned with online dating and often say it just “feels weird.” Others put it more bluntly: online dating is bad and it sucks. This is the common feedback I get from clients and friends.

Well, one analysis in 2020 found that online dating app users were different from non-users: they were more likely to use illegal drugs, have less self-control, abuse alcohol, and engage in sexually deceptive behavior.

And, some research suggests a third of people using online dating haven’t even gotten a date! Only 39% of users have used online dating to get into a relationship. For Tinder, one analysis found 70% of people never have gone on a date and most people use the app for attention and to waste time.

And, the quality of relationships derived from online dating seems to be lower. Research shows that people who met online are more likely to break up in the first year and they are three times more likely to get divorced if they get married.

So, I’m not making it up when I say online dating doesn’t work for a lot of people. And, I think the reason is that it takes a complex process that evolved over hundreds of thousands of years, and tries to do it in a very limited and modern way. So, to put it more simply: it’s unnatural.

Here are the reasons why online dating is unnatural.

Online Dating Is Too Logical And Conscious

Attraction is highly emotional. We decide whom we like in the older parts of our brains, the emotional centers (often called “the limbic system”). We have a saying “attraction is not a choice,” which means you can’t intellectually “think” your way into (or out of) attraction. You can choose whom you date and your actions resulting from attraction, but you can’t choose attraction.

Because of this, a lot of our attraction preferences are outside our conscious awareness. The newer and logical parts of our brains simply aren’t involved in attraction.

So you may be attracted to muscular guys with deep voices, or your boss, and not even fully know why. You may have convinced yourself you like your boss because he’s into Harry Potter and other common interests, but in reality you are attracted to him because women typically are attracted to men in power. Because, if you think about it, you aren’t attracted to five of your co-workers who also have multiple common interests.

But, when you go online to look for a guy, you think logically, so you swipe right on the guys who share common interests. And, you end up going on bad dates with guys more like your five co-workers than your boss. Why? Because online dating encourages logical and conscious choices and doesn’t allow for the more subconscious and emotional factors to play out.

Since online dating is logical, it also means you may have swiped left (rejected) on guys you would have felt something for had you met in person (like your boss).

Yes, online dating is taking something largely emotional and subconscious and making it logical and conscious, and it’s no wonder so many people aren’t happy!

In the video below I tell a story that shows just how ridiculous it would be to approach real-world dating the way we do online.

Charisma Matters

Charisma is important in assessing attraction. Charisma can be thought of as presence, warmth, and power. This is very hard, if not impossible, to assess online, and even harder from a few photos and a brief bio (if you are even screening for that at all). So, dating apps simply can’t reasonably determine if that person you’re evaluating is charismatic.

But, charisma does matter. Many of our female clients describe crushing on guys who have a lot of charisma. These guys have a presence about them, a personal confidence, and also have a great sense of humor. These are guys many women would likely swipe left on (or pre-screen based on filters) on dating apps.

While women find personality and charisma more attractive than men do (men assess attraction more visually), we guys still find more women attractive in person than online simply due to presence. For example, I have liked women in person I know I wouldn’t “like” online. They have had a certain presence and flirtatiousness that could never be conveyed online.

Smell Matters

You may not know it, but scent is critical for human attraction. While there is debate whether humans have or respond to pheromones (basically love chemicals that some animals clearly have), smell still seems to play an important role in attraction and compatibility, and it’s largely outside of our conscious awareness.

For example, in one study women rated men with attractive faces as healthier, sexier, and more attractive not by seeing their actual faces, but simply from their smell! And research shows women may have a keener sense of smell than men, so smell is even more important for women when evaluating attractiveness.

Obviously online dating eliminates this component of compatibility entirely, although there are some services out there that apparently will match you based on the clothing samples men have worn.

Personality Matters

This overlaps with charisma, but includes other factors like kindness, attitude, intelligence, and even quirkiness or something unique that just pulls you to that person. You can kind of figure out personality from a dating profile, but it’s challenging and not accurate. Why? Because in person you’re evaluating personality from more than just words; you’re likely picking up a vibe from a person’s mannerisms and body language, impossible to gauge accurately online.

Also, comments that might come across as quirky and even fun in real life often come across as weird or creepy on a profile.

Online dating sites try to assess personality, but I believe that they miss the point. Answering a bunch of questions (as OK Cupid does to determine a percentage of “compatibility”) more reflects the output of your logical brain, than your actual personality.

As with charisma, conveying your actual personality (and assessing someone else’s) online is almost impossible.

Rapport (And Time) Matter

The biggest issue with online dating is that a true connection requires rapport. Despite the surge of online dating’s popularity, only 39% of couples met online (warning: pdf), with more people still meeting in real life.

I believe this is because rapport is often necessary for a connection to develop. The way most people build rapport is by spending time together, although I do believe it can be built more quickly, but that’s not very common. Rapport is necessary as a kind of “gut feeling” way to assess if someone is safe and right for you.

This is why a lot of women ultimately fall for co-workers, classmates, friends, or celebrities (even though the rapport is one-sided here, it is still felt). If they saw these same guys on a dating app or even were approached by them at a club, most women would reject them.

Women in particular need to feel some comfort with a guy before they will give them a chance romantically. There are evolutionary reasons I won’t get into here, but let’s just say that if you don’t feel some type of safety with a guy you’re less likely to feel attraction.

You simply can’t build rapport and connection online from a profile and a few photos. If you could spend some time with some of those people you’re swiping left on, you’d probably feel attraction. But, online dating doesn’t allow it.

We Really Don’t Know What We Want Online

When sorting online, we think things matter that really don’t. For example, since companies allow us to sort by things like height, body type, income, politics, common interests, distance, and age, we think these are important. In reality, while they matter to a degree generally (most 20-somethings aren’t looking to date 70-somethings, but this can happen too), strict exact numbers might be getting in the way of a real love connection.

In real life, we treat people as a unified package. Most love connections happen, as I mentioned above, based on subconscious emotional factors that create chemistry. So, you feel that chemistry for your kind and cute co-worker, so you’ll overlook the fact that he may have different common interests or not be as tall as you like. However, online he’s not treated as a whole person, but as a composite of traits and checklists.

That doesn’t sound very human does it? Because it’s not! And this might explain why a lot of people, women in particular, are very picky online, swiping right on only 4.5% of guys (data within full study) and rating 85% of guys unattractive (men swipe right over 60% of the time and rate the same percentage of women as attractive). However, this is online. This clearly shows that it is nearly impossible to realistically evaluate someone online, unless we truly believe that only 15% of guys are dateable.

And, you may not even know what you’re sorting for. So, the professor you had a crush on might have been older than you estimated, or shorter (since research shows people rate professors and other guys with status as taller). So, ironically, the guy you like more than anything might be outside your age and height filters online!

In conclusion, I can only imagine what would have happened to classic romances throughout history if they had begun online. The reality is they likely wouldn’t have begun at all. And, this may explain why even though you’re pickier than ever, on more apps than before, and going on more dates, you’re not meeting the right person. It may also explain why you can’t seem to ever find the quality person you’re looking for online, even though you see a lot of quality people around you every day.

So…

The man with piercing eye contact who walks into your work like he owns the place, whom you couldn’t stop thinking about…he’s filtered because he was too old.

The flirtatious and fun woman who you fantasize about daily…she’s filtered because her body type isn’t athletic.

The strangely funny and nerdy guy you see at Starbucks every morning…you swiped left because he doesn’t take good photos.

The cute and nice girl you see on the subway every day…you didn’t even see her because she’s outside your distance range of 20 miles.

So, the reason you can’t find the love of your life online is that the very medium itself isn’t equipped for the task of finding love.

March 5, 2021
The Real, No-BS Reasons You’re Single in 2021 Despite Being a “Catch”

Just talk to anyone who is single. Or go onto online forums and subreddits related to dating and relationships. Basically, what you see are hordes of single “catches” who are mysteriously single. How can people who seem to have everything going for them – great jobs, lots of traveling, nice apartments and houses, and a lot of education – be single??

Well, here are the real reasons you’re a “catch” and still single.

And, I want to say that I get it. It can be frustrating when you’re looking for something but can’t find it, especially when you have a lot going for you. But maybe, just maybe, there are reasons why you’re single and still a catch. I’m going to try to be as blunt, but also as nice, as possible, so bear with me.

1. You Aren’t Really A Catch (Where It Matters)

Here is the simple answer: the metrics that make a person successful in life aren’t necessarily the metrics that make you a “catch” in terms of dating. So, you have a good job, own your home, have an education, and are polite and nice? Well congrats. You’re a good person, and contributing to society. But these things don’t play that much into attraction, especially for what guys find attractive, although women do tend to find these items more attractive as they indicate social status (keep reading for more on this).

So, as harsh as this sounds, in terms of dating, nobody cares that you have multiple degrees and just rose up the ranks at a law firm. In fact, the fact that you are going to be so busy could actually be a turn-off for many people.

So, if we are being realistic, what makes you a catch is being attractive and engaging. These two things are all that matter.

Let’s look at being attractive a little. Heterosexual men tend to assess attraction based on one question: is a woman physically good-looking? And, if we are nice and smart, we would prefer that you are as well, but you probably know plenty of smart and quality guys who are dating hot women who aren’t nice or smart.

Heterosexual women tend to define attraction more broadly, and it includes an emphasis on looks (largely a symmetrical face, muscularity, and being taller than they are), but also personality. So, a guy who isn’t as good looking can be a “catch” if he has charisma, is funny, or is in a position of authority or status (like a celebrity or her boss).

But, you may say, “I have all these things” (maybe you really don’t, but I’ll take your word for it!). So are you engaging?

This is very important. I define this as, are you actually willing to have the vulnerability necessary to form a connection. If you’re the type who swipes left on every person, or finds a little fault with every person you date, then you aren’t very engaging. This also includes people who don’t get out much, are socially awkward, etc. So you may not even have malicious intent; you just don’t come across as engaging.

2. You Are Too Picky (Or Not Picky Enough)

This impacts women mostly, but men are impacted too. If you look at swipe right rates for women, they are highly selective. Women swipe right 4.5% of the time. And, generally, at least with online dating, women tend to all like the same small group of men (the top 10% of men monopolize over half of female likes).

Why are women so picky? In many cases, women prefer not only that a guy is attractive, but that he should have greater status than they have. Census data shows this reality, which is that women tend to marry men of equal or greater status (whereas men don’t care). And, research shows even high-earning women marry men who earn more, and women don’t want to date men less educated than they are. However, as women gain more and more status in society (including being more educated than men), finding men who meet this attraction criteria is challenging.

This creates an untenable scenario, because there just aren’t enough of these “tens” available for exclusive, monogamous relationships. So, many women get onto online dating and swipe right on a few guys. But, other women are also matching with them. And, these guys are more than happy to “date around” and/or say what it takes to get laid, juggling multiple women at once.

And, this leads the majority of guys who aren’t getting any likes to get even more desperate and less picky. The result is that most men swipe right on most women (60+ percent). This feedback loop of picky women and desperate guys just makes women pickier and guys more desperate, until everyone hates online dating.

Guys could use to be pickier, and to stop being so thirsty, which is highly off-putting to women. So, guys, if you’re a “catch” and single, maybe you’re coming across too desperate.

Prior to online dating, average men and average women dated and seemed happy to do so, but online dating has changed this, and now people almost always shoot outside of their league and don’t give people in their leagues a chance.

And you may say, but “I deserve a college-educated (35% of men) man who makes six figures (9% of Americans), is over 6 feet tall (14% of American men), and is also single,” but you are looking at such a small percentage of the population that even if you find him, the likelihood he’s going to like you back is even slimmer.

Why does this keep you single? Because there aren’t enough “tens” to go around. So you may be a “catch” to someone, but you’re not giving that someone a chance.

3. You Are Too Afraid

Falling in love, meeting others, and being honest with what you really want all require determination, vulnerability, and authenticity. Unfortunately, you may be a “catch” but if you are afraid to take the risks necessary to meet someone, connect, and fall for them, then you’re always going to be single.

I have coached people who won’t date because of things that happened in high school, or because someone they dated hurt them deeply at one point. They were missing out on intimacy because of this fear.

While I am not saying that it’s always easy to overcome fear, many “catches” prefer the safety of being alone and keeping people at arm’s length rather than face the vulnerability that connecting with someone requires.

Mr. or Miss Right could be right in front of you right now, whether it’s when you’re working or exercising next to you at the gym. Yet, we are taught to be afraid of interacting with people we don’t know. I have even seen people sitting alone at bars swiping on dating apps instead of talking to the people around them.

Fear protects the ego but prevents real connections, so you may be a catch, but never get close enough to be “caught” because you’re too afraid.

4. You Can’t Compromise

Relationships require compromise. Online dating has led to the fictitious belief that you can “put in an order” for someone with complete common interests. The reality is that to have a relationship you will have to compromise. Nobody is likely to share your exact interests, political viewpoints, or philosophy on life.

And, we live in a very divisive time, where it’s easy to get sucked into the pseudo-reality that is social media, which drives people to become even more outraged and divided. We have reached a point where many people refuse to even have a civil conversation with someone unless they agree politically. This divisiveness has led many people into isolation.

You may say “but I can’t compromise!!” Well, the social media companies are glad you feel that way, because you will likely keep commenting, tweeting, and posting your outage inducing diatribes on their platforms, making them more money, rather than practicing the humane traits of empathy and understanding that can land you a relationship.

Hey, it’s your life! If you’d rather be right and unhappy instead of seeing yourself as a flawed human who can compromise a little and get to know another flawed human who may see things differently, then by all means, be right.

5. Your Profile Is More Like A Bragging Resume

A client of mine told me he was so tired of seeing all these women on dating apps who have all these perfectly posed, model-like, photos combined with them traveling across the world and showing how important they are. Considering this guy was a multi-millionaire, I wondered how he, of all people, would complain about that. I should note that my female clients have also complained of male profiles who seem similarly inhuman.

The client I just mentioned told me he wanted to date someone who was human, and who was open to love. He didn’t want to date someone who came across as inhuman who would be both busy and gone all the time, or whom he’d feel as if he was competing with all the time.

And he made a great point. Nobody wants to commit to a god or goddess who will be too busy or occupied to have a real human relationship. Now, good for you if you are basically a god or goddess, and are busy all the time working and traveling and accomplishing things. Your profile needs to be very clear that you are looking for a connection not just showing off to the world how great you are. Getting a date is VERY different from getting a job.

Is your profile one that says, “hey, I’m a great and accomplished human being looking for a connection?” or does it just say “Look at me bragging how great I am.”

Now, let me end on a Zen question: is a perpetually miserable and single “catch” really a catch at all?

February 16, 2021
Why Is Finding Love So Difficult in 2021?

Why is it so hard to find love?? You’d think that it would be easy to find love in 2021…We have dating apps, meet-ups, online forums, social media, and more. Before you read this article (in which I’m laying out some of the negatives), please check out our Facebook page where we’ll be focusing on the solutions rather just the problems!

Yet, we have many clients and friends who simply can’t seem to find the right person. And, this is after trying matchmaking, Tinder, Bumble, Ok Cupid, Hinge, virtually every other dating app, and attending singles events. They have taken the advice from well-meaning (but, sadly, mistaken) friends and family about how to “land a man” (or woman). In this era of information overload and access to thousands of people (and the advice of millions), things should be easier, but they aren’t.

And, this isn’t just me listing a few anecdotes. Research shows that people simply aren’t dating, committing, or marrying as much. And, it’s not just the emotional side of relationships that are failing. Despite claims of a “hook up culture,” people just aren’t having as much sex as they used to either.

Overall loneliness is on the rise too, as we become more socially disconnected. A recent Pew Survey found most people think that dating sucks and a lot of people have just stopped looking for love. It’s no wonder 28% of men under 30 haven’t had sex in the last year, an all-time high for men of that age group compared to anytime in history.

Despite the promise of online dating, one study found that 70% of Tinder users didn’t even go on a date from the app! Even E-Harmony’s own data shows that most couples don’t meet online.

Most users of online dating are finding that the process of liking, matching, texting, and meeting someone is a lot of wasted effort, after sorting through the time wasters, ghosters, and fakes. Relationships that start from online dating aren’t as likely to last, so there’s that. This may be because online dating is unnatural for many reasons.

Despite people generally resenting online dating, we also feel compelled to use it as if no other option exists.

Another reason finding love is so hard isn’t due to a lack of choice, but because we have so much choice. This is called the “choice paradox” and it is basically that the more options we have, the less likely we are capable of making a good choice, if we can make one at all. So, when presented with 30 decent men online, it’s very hard to narrow it down to just one, or focus your emotional and social attention to just one. And, those guys all have options as well. So, nobody chooses to settle down with anyone, leading to ridiculous frustration.

Another reality is that daters in 2020 are just plain picky, and online dating is partially to blame. OK Cupid’s research shows that women ultimately find roughly 80% of men online to be unattractive. And, women are only swiping right on 4.5% of male profiles on Tinder (data contained within the full study). When getting online, women in particular seem to get into a weird mode where only the absolute most handsome and successful guy will suffice.

Another issue related to this is that most women are matching with the same 10-15% of handsome, successful guys. Look at the graph. The red shows that men are distributing their likes to a variety of women, while most women are liking the same 10-15% of men.

So, it may seem great that you’ve matched with the handsome, well-dressed, muscular manager of his own company, but so are all the other women on the dating app. And, that manager is going to have two options: attempt to date every woman he’s messaging (and try to sleep with them), or he’s going to pick the prettiest of the bunch. This explains why most women we know complain they only seem to meet players or guys who don’t want a relationship online.

Since most men aren’t getting a whole lot of attention on dating apps (women reject 95.5% of men on Tinder, remember), some men turn into thirsty (desperately sexually needy) weirdos, which results in a lot of overly sexualized messages, messaging random women, begging for sex, and even sending unsolicited “junk pics.” This in turn, makes women even more picky and men even more desperate.

In some of the examples I gave above, women have a big advantage: they can be super picky, and are. However, the research shows this applies more for younger women. Older women are finding the opposite problem of getting to be picky: they become more invisible on certain dating apps as they age.

In fact, a recent large analysis of online dating behavior found women’s popularity on dating apps peaks at age 18 and goes down from there, while a man reaches peak popularity at 50. Some of this is because older men are setting their age ranges quite a bit younger. Ok Cupid’s own data shows that men of all ages are browsing profiles of 20-somethings.

I have also noticed that the over-reliance on online dating has crippled people’s social interactions in real life. Even though most people think online dating sucks, people aren’t going out as much and are less open to in-person interaction. My anecdotal observation is that fewer people are leaving the house outside of work, thanks to the rise of delivery services like door dash, and how easy it is to find entertainment at home (like streaming movies and TV).

How can you meet your soulmate if you never leave your house? And, if when you are out, you are wearing headphones or meanly staring at every guy or woman who comes near you, then how can you ever meet Mr. or Miss Right?

I’ve even seen lonely-looking people in a place full of eligible singles staring at their phones swiping on Tinder!

Wow…finding love in 2021 is difficult, because we’ve entered a cultural and technological era that’s a complete mess (at least from a dating standpoint).

But, as I mentioned, we are trying to remedy this. So please join the discussion about this, and help us solve the problem, on the Double Trust Dating Facebook Page!

And, check out our Courses! We have exclusive discounts available right now.

January 24, 2021
How Your Ego Is Hurting Your Romantic Life

Buddhists often speak about “attachment,” and according to the Buddhist “Four Noble Truths,” attachment is the cause of suffering. Remove attachment, and you will no longer suffer.

This relates to “ego” because ego (i.e. a permanent and unchanging self, in Buddhist terms, atta) is the illusion that we are a certain way, life is a certain way, or that we have to behave a certain way, which creates attachment. Ego is the part of us that has to always be right, can’t change plans, or insists that something must be done in an x, y, or z fashion. Ego wants to be in complete control and micromanages everything.

Ego is inflexible and boring, and misses the surprises and lessons in life while it’s trying to perfectly keep everything in control, which it can never do. Ego lives in the future, is always worried about outcome, and then is never actually happy or content once that outcome arrives. Ego’s attachment is like someone who clings so hard to a precious item that she destroys it.

Our egos cause us to “cling” to expectations (such as “I must be engaged by 25” or “I have to date someone who makes x amount of money”), and if we don’t meet these expectations, we suffer.

The problem, as Buddhists put it, is that life is full of ups and downs, so therefore you can never avoid suffering by trying to completely control life via ego. I should note that avoiding attachment does not mean not trying. It simply means doing the most honest, authentic thing without clinging to the result.

This is where ego can destroy your romantic life, and why it is destroying it for many people, especially in 2020, where social media and other factors provide plenty of fodder for unhealthy attachment to outcomes because it is so easy to compare ourselves to others.

When you live from ego, you make excuses, deny yourself the things you really want, and experience anxiety and frustration.

Let me give you a great example of living in ego, and how it leads to frustration. Let me also acknowledge that even telling this story accurately is challenging, because my ego wants to leave out details that will make me look imperfect. Why? Because I’m a dating coach! My ego says “if you’re a dating coach, you aren’t allowed to ever struggle with dating!” Damn ego. Anyway…

A few years ago I was really trying to find someone to date. I was working a lot, not around a lot of single women I was attracted to, and it was challenging to meet new people. The online dating apps were drying up thanks to algorithm changes.

I went to an Arkells concert, because I enjoyed the band and loved the intimate venue. I was having fun with no expectations of anything except to be there and have fun.

With that attitude, without even trying, I met a few women. It was a really fun night and almost magical how quickly I got along with them and they practically asked for my number.

I went to a concert a few days later, and I built up the expectation that I needed to meet people there too. So instead of going to just enjoy a concert, I created a lot of expectations.

And…that concert experience was awful. It wasn’t fun. I didn’t appreciate the music the way I should (even though there were great bands there like Label Me Lecter and Shaed). I didn’t end up meeting anyone. I ended up leaving early in frustration to sit in another venue pretty much alone. The funny thing is that for a lot of people that concert was probably amazing! In fact, it objectively was. However my attachment and ego made it a miserable experience.

And, to protect my ego (and that of my friend’s) we both concluded “we didn’t want to meet anyone anyway!” Yeah right! The ego can be such a liar.

A few weeks later I wanted to go out for St. Patrick’s Day. Rather than just looking for an event that was fun and that I enjoyed, I meticulously looked for a place where I thought the most attractive people would be. After spending literally hours doing this, when I showed up, the crowd was thin. I lamented that “nobody was here” (which wasn’t true).

I ended up bolting from there and driving to various places, desperately chasing the outcome of being in a huge crowd of attractive people. Not surprisingly, I didn’t have fun, didn’t find the crowd I sought, and didn’t meet anyone. I did, however, suffer. I was angry, frustrated, and resentful.

It’s not just me. It’s ego that tells you have to be married by 30, so you better settle down with that guy who does nothing for you! So, in chasing this ego version of happiness, you end up unhappy….saddled to a dude you don’t even really like for years, until the divorce that is!

It’s ego that tells you that if you’re in your 30s you can’t date someone in their 20s, even though you’re genuinely happy around that person. So, you are attached to appropriateness, so yeah, be careful what you wish for: you’ll end up dumping that younger person, and be with a person who is very appropriate to your family and friends but whom you can’t stand!

It’s ego that tells you even though he makes you happy and you have chemistry, that his job isn’t good enough. So, your attachment to status means you’ll have a big house and nice car with a guy you hate, which means that big house will just feel like a well-decorated prison.

It’s ego that says you have to have a partner to be happy. So, you spend all day worrying about or looking for a partner, which, ironically, makes you needy and unattractive. When you do find a partner, the solace you sought from the relationship will never come because relationships bring their own problems.

One exercise I have found very helpful in lessening my ego’s influence in dating, relationships, and life in general is to use the “maybe exercise” outlined in Susan Jeffers’ great book Embracing Uncertainty. It is very simple and I dismissed it at first (because my ego basically said “if it’s simple, it can’t work!), but it is a very powerful technique.

Whenever you find yourself expressing attachment or expectation to something, simply add “or maybe I won’t” or some variant to the phrase.

“I’ll meet someone great on Tinder…or maybe I won’t.”

“She and I will end up getting married…or maybe we won’t.”

“If I approach her, she’ll reject me…or maybe she won’t.”

“If this relationship ends I’ll be devastated…or maybe I won’t.”

“She’ll come back into my life…or maybe she won’t.”

“I won’t be satisfied unless I date someone who is ____…or maybe I will be.”

“He probably won’t text me back…or maybe he will.”

Try it! It’s simple and actually works. Avoid phrasing it like “I don’t care if he texts me back” or “I don’t really want to meet someone tonight.” Remember the ego loves to lie to protect itself, because the illusion it creates is fragile. If you do care and do want to meet someone, to phrase it like this is simply your ego getting in the way even more.

Your ego may be why you’re dateless or in an unhappy relationship.

As Alan Watts points out, when discussing nirvana, when you give up the illusion that things have to be a certain way (to quote Elsa, when you “let it go”), then you can finally breathe out and let out a “whewwwwww,” which is one translation of the word nirvana. And that’s when you’ll see a shift in how you approach dating and relationships, and also in the outcome.

December 16, 2020
If He Likes Me, He’d Have Let Me Know By Now, Right?

I see a variation on this theme a lot when talking to women in various capacities, so I thought I’d finally address it here.

Whether it’s an acquaintance, guy in a friend group, co-worker, etc, many women feel a connection, but wonder why this guy they may be crushing on just won’t make a move or show much interest beyond something platonic! It just doesn’t make sense.

But look at it from a guy’s perspective. Many women have this idea in their head that men need to be super confident, almost inhuman pursuers of women, when it’s the guy they like.

On the one hand, you ladies criticize men for being overly forward and call out any guy who is if you don’t like him.

As a guy in 2020, unless the context is very clear (like on a dating app), it’s very hard to convey interest in a way that is both forward, but also subtle.

So, this has many women wondering if a guy friend, co-worker, or acquaintance is interested in her, because it seems like he is just sending out “friend vibes.”

So, I’ll help you out with this.

Most men are attracted to their physically attractive co-workers, friends, acquaintances, and even random women they see walking down the street. If a guy knew he could ask out any of them with zero social consequences, he would.

And, we men define attractiveness pretty generously, and far more generously than women do. The OK Cupid data show that men find about 60% of women attractive, whereas for women, it’s about 20% of men.

So, the odds are probably in your favor that the guy you are talking to finds you attractive. If you find yourself getting a lot of likes from guys on social media, a lot of matches on Tinder, and a lot of guys hitting on you regularly, then it’s a pretty safe bet you’re attractive and the guy you’re wondering about thinks the same!

So, why doesn’t this guy that you like actually show you interest?? Like I said earlier, social consequences.

Many guys have been burned in the past by asking women out, or showing interest, and it failed miserably. Imagine you’re a guy for a moment. Literally imagine yourself walking up and doing what I’m about to describe.

Imagine you get the guts to tell a woman in your social circle (or at a gym or bar where you are a regular) that you are interested (are you slightly terrified?). Imagine, then you misread everything, and get rejected! Are you even more terrified that you will have to see that woman and her friends again??

Yeah, and many guys have done just this and experienced this in the past. So, this is why many guys just don’t show a lot of interest even if they like a woman.

Now, here is what you can do if you like a guy like this. You have to show him that it’s okay to take that risk with you. You are wondering why a guy is showing you only platonic signs, but he is wondering the same thing about you!

So, you may have to give this guy a massive number of green lights to get him to overcome the potential social consequences of asking you out.

Smile, gently touch him, find a reason to get him to text you, suggest that instead of texting about something you meet for coffee, etc. You can still be subtle (so as not to risk the consequences for yourself), but you must be obvious as well.

Or, you can just ask him out! It is 2020 after all. There is no reason a woman can’t ask a guy out.

December 7, 2020
Dating Is Way Easier Than You Think

Recent statistics show that dating is kind of hard these days. If you want to see the evidence, I have already compiled it two articles: Why Finding Love Is So Difficult and Why Online Dating is Unnatural.

But, not only is it objectively challenging based on stats, but most people make it really hard. I have friends still in the dating game, and it can be very frustrating: anxiety over what to say, unsure how and where to meet people, worry about whom to choose, frustration with being single, and even obsession with exes that may not be good for them.

But when you think about it, love and romance are actually two of the simplest things on the planet. Middle schoolers get it. High schoolers generally get it too.

So why don’t adult daters get it?

Here are two reasons why we don’t get it: we overthink and over-complicate dating. And, we try to control the entire process. Neither of these work for a heart and gut based thing like dating.

Let me explain each briefly and provide some simple ways to overcome these forces to make dating fun and easy again.

Overthinking and Over-Complicating

I know so many people who are paired up with partners they can’t stand, and it’s usually because they chose them the way they would choose a new cell phone: by going by a checklist of features and/or based on what other people would think about the person. So they are with someone who looks great on paper, or fits the values of their parents.

Both are horrible ways to choose a partner. They are the results of overthinking something that really doesn’t need much logical thought.

When I hear the stories of people who dated the wrong person, they almost never followed their heart or trusted their gut.

Good dating is a combination of going with your heart and then verifying that based on your gut. Your brain should actually have the least input, which is difficult for overthinkers (and yes I know that the “gut” and the “heart” are likely in the brain, however polyvagal theory is challenging this).

Those who didn’t go with their heart often are in loveless and boring relationships, or they pine for exes or crushes because they chose the “safe” choice that met their checklists (or even worse, their parents’ checklists).

Those who didn’t let their gut check their heart often ended up with abusers and highly toxic partners, as I did recently. You probably ignored the way that person treated others (like past romantic interests, signs of personal trauma, and other factors that were telling you to run far away!

Those who used their brain too much are often single and anxious, or if they are in relationships, they are unable to get close to their partner.

So, I’m suggesting here that to make dating easier, follow your heart and then verify the quality of that with your gut. Tell your brain to chill a little.

Trying to be in complete control

The more you open yourself up to the type of relationship that will be amazing, the more you’re opening yourself up to be hurt and heartbroken.

This is a tension that is necessary to enjoy an amazing life, and requires both resilience, perspective, and to live fully in the present.

Unfortunately many of us tend toward wanting to live a life that is “safe” and free of any risks. When this is the case, dating isn’t something that happens in the present. It is rather a calculation based on past hurts and avoiding any future hurt. Some women have told me that on a first date they were trying to determine if the guy would be the type who wouldn’t hurt them in 20 years!

This is the ego at work. It is protecting you from hurt and embarrassment while leading you to experience the ultimate hurt: living a life without any fulfillment that you’ll ultimately regret when it’s over.

So, let go. Live in the present mindfully. Realize that everything will end, and maybe it will end with pain. But to experience something amazing, even briefly, is better to have experienced nothing amazing at all.

October 31, 2020