Double Trust Dating

Author: David Bennett

Why Do You Ignore Your Partner’s Red Flags? The Science Behind It

When you’re in love with him, he’s a misunderstood creative type, who does his own thing…a dashing rebel whom nobody, including your friends and the county judge, understands but you.

After you break up you realize he was a lazy, manipulative bum on parole who just wouldn’t work and probably used you for sex and a place to stay.

We’ve all been there. I’ve ignored a lot of “crazy” over the years for a pretty face or a nice body. I’ve justified bad behaviors from women to my family and friends, only to realize years later they were actually right.

One woman I dated in college not only smoked (which I hated), but she also shoplifted from Wal-Mart for the fun of it. She turned out to be a good person as she matured, but dating her ran contrary to my values (and baffled my friends) because there were many, many women around me I could have dated who didn’t do those things!

Yet I consistently defended her and spent time with her…until she cheated on me with her ex a few months later. At that point, the scales fell off of my eyes.

So, why do we ignore red flags that are obvious to others?

You can thank your brain.

Research using brain scans of couples who are in love shows just how mind-altering being “in love” is.

If you look at the study, researchers found

[The chemical changes from being in love deactivated a] common set of [brain] regions associated with negative emotions, social judgment and ‘mentalizing’, that is, the assessment of other people’s intentions and emotions.

In other words, being in love makes your brain unable to accurately assess your partner, and prevents you from feeling negativity towards him or her.

So, he does drugs? That’s okay because he’s just experimenting and all kinds of people use drugs!

She hasn’t talked to her daughter for five years? She’s still a great mom. Everyone just gangs up on her!

He’s asking you to head to Vegas and get married after a few months, even though he hasn’t worked in two years and crashes at your place? Cooool! You’ll figure out details like money later!

Even though you’re a strong Christian, and are passing over twenty Christian men in your church for him, it’s okay, because you really feel that God is calling you to save his soul. After all, that is part of the mission of Christ!

She’s messaging some exes even though you’re engaged, and screams at you in a drunken rage when you ask about it? Hey, nobody’s perfect! You try finding any decent woman these days who doesn’t act like that!

We laugh at these justifications for red-flag behavior, but when you’re in love, your brain actually convinces you you’re right.

The researchers basically concluded that falling in love creates a brain chemistry that delivers a deadly “one-two punch” that also keeps us hooked on that person, by not only becoming blind to faults, but also strongly activating our brain’s reward circuitry.

What happens chemically when you’re in love, is that dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin, and norepinephrine centers in the brain light up. We feel elation and excitement, and a feeling of bliss when we are around our partners. Sex and cuddling intensify it.

We also develop very strong attachment. Oxytocin is the same chemical that creates the strong bond between women and their children.

Our brains make being around our partners so amazing, we’ll abandon friends, family, and hobbies for them (sound familiar?). But what happens when you don’t get attention from your partner?

That’s when we start feeling awful; we feel emotional pain and discomfort. As anybody who has been in love knows, if you’re waiting for that text to come in, and it doesn’t, you feel anxiety, jealousy, and even anger…up until the point it arrives…and then everything is fine again.

If you think all of this is similar to how an addict’s brain works, you’re right: many researchers believe that love is a type of addiction. And, if you have ever known an addict, you know that like those in love, addicts also deny that there are any problems that result from their addictive behaviors. Everything is “fine,” even if they are surrounded by red flags, which, remember they can’t see anyway.

So yes, your brain is tricking you into seeing your partner as nearly divine, unable to have a single red flag. The question then is, how can someone who is in love begin to see through this trickery and make an honest evaluation of their partner?

And therein lies the problem! Your brain is responsible for perception. When the very organ responsible for perceiving trickery is the source of that trickery, well, you’re basically screwed.

It’s not necessarily that bleak, but it is hard to get someone deeply in love to see the red flags. Usually, people do see the red flags eventually, but that’s only because time has passed. The “in love” brain chemistry, at least the dopamine and norepinephrine elements, dies down after a year or two. This is when the scales often fall off the eyes and you say “I had sex with that??”

The bonding chemicals (oxytocin and vasopressin) may exert their influence for many, many years, so it’s possible your brain could ignore red flags for life.

The only real solution, which we teach in our “How To Spot And Avoid Jerks” talk is to prevent yourself from falling for someone with a lot of red flags before it happens. Being in touch with your values, trusting your gut, and being able to recognize subtle signs of potentially bad behavior before falling head over heels, is the key. However, I should note that we believe this is gut and heart based and should not be “checklist” based.

Unfortunately, love can be swift and powerful, and sometimes it happens before you can stop it. This is why love is portrayed in Roman and Greek mythology as a mischievous god-baby, who strikes with no rhyme or reason and renders his victims nearly insane.

So, maybe you can’t prevent it, but at least you know it’s happening to you. Enjoy the ride because your brain will ensure it will be red flag free…at least for a few years.

Please join us on our Facebook page as we discuss finding love in 2019!

July 1, 2020
The “Real” Solution To All Your Dating And Relationship Problems

Many spiritual traditions teach that there comes a point where you just “give up,” not in the sense of lacking any feeling or being cynical, but simply surrendering to whatever reality might be out there (God, “the universe,” your true self, and so forth) because you have no choice left but to do so. When you reach this point of surrender where you truly have let go of what you had a toxic attachment to, that is when you finally achieve the thing you were seeking to get in the first place.

The Buddhist philosopher Alan Watts describes it like this:

What happens is that we’ve practiced so often, that we find out we can’t do it… and it happens at the moment you know you can’t do it. When you reach a certain point of despair, when you know that you are the one weird child who will never be able to swim, at that moment you’re swimming.

Because, the desperation and the total inability to do it at all has brought you to a point which we might call: ‘Don’t care’, you stop trying, you stop not trying, trying to get it that way, you just have arrived at the insight that your decision, your will, doesn’t have any part in the thing at all and that’s what you needed to know…

Many people find that with dating and relationships, searching for “the one” or even any outcome, whether it be sex, friendships, or even fixing a relationship, comes only when you reach a point where you both stop trying and stop not trying, as Watts mentions. While this is a very “zen” thing to say, when you get there, you know it. Others call it “flow.”

This point often comes as the result of a total and utter ego beat-down you never expected. Perhaps, it may result from a realization that you have radically and spectacularly failed to achieve your goals and you now have “nothing to lose.” Maybe you were laid up with a debilitating illness or injury which showed you that you lack the control you clung to (often getting near death can cause the same impact).

In dating and relationships we often seek the most control. It could be clinging to exact numbers, like age, height, and weight when searching for compatibility, rather than making a genuine connection. It is often expressed as concern with how a partner looks to the world rather than how someone makes you feel. Relationships becoming routine, stale, and boring based on maintaining this control.

The problem is that this control doesn’t exist. And this comes out in challenging moments. Seeking control in this way is like catching water with a net: a pointless endeavor that may seem like something is happening, but really it is not.

Why do I say this? You don’t have to be Buddha to realize that nothing is permanent. Everything will end. No amount of ego control will prevent the pain that will come from a break-up, the death of a loved one, or even a rejection. Everything ends, even if that is death of you or your spouse at 100 years old.

So maintaining this control will ultimately provide no comfort, but it will stop you from taking the risks and living in the moments that provide the most joy. It will stop you from connecting (or re-connecting) with your significant other. It will strategically forestall the “downs” but you will have no “ups.”

To quote Watts once again:

“But you can’t see ‘it’ when you are trying to get ‘it.’ And you can still less see ‘it’ when you’re trying to get ‘it’ fast. So there is no alternative, but to get to the point that you can’t get ‘it’ at all.

You are going to be you, the same slob you’ve always been. You can’t change it and all your good resolutions are just bombast. Then, you start to be real.”

Of course, the irony is that this is no “solution” at all, but was already there within you and around you to begin with. As the Chinese poem goes:

It is so clear that it takes a long time to see,
You must know that the fire which you are seeking,
Is the fire in your own lantern.
And that your rice has been cooked from the very beginning.

So when are you going to get real? Why not today?

June 23, 2020
Dating Karma: You Are Getting Out Of Dating What You Put In

You hear the word “karma” thrown around a lot with dating. It’s usually used in a negative sense – as a way to declare that an ex or someone who rejected you will “get what they deserve.” In this sense, karma is basically used to mean “you’ll get what you deserve because you wronged me!” In fact, you may be reading this because you want some sweet, sweet karma to be visited upon someone you can’t stand.

I’m here to tell you that karma, as it is understood in an Eastern philosophical sense, is much deeper than just a drama-queen (or king) using the term on a social media post after he or she got mad at someone.

Whether you believe it to be something spiritual or supernatural (as Christians believe in a God who dispenses divine justice), or even just an accurate, rational description of how reality plays out, your dating life is definitely impacted by karma, but probably not in the way you think (hint: I am suggesting karma is about YOU, not the person you’re angry at).

I have no idea if karma is some sort of actual reality, spiritual or otherwise, but it is a useful way to understand life.

Alan Watts, Episcopal minister turned Buddhist academic, offers perhaps the simplest definition of karma as it applies to dating and other areas of life as transcribed from one of his many lectures:

“You always get what you want, invariably, even though you may think it’s entirely opposed to your wishes. But, if it’s your karma, everything that happens to you…

To put it in another way, everything that comes to you is a return to you of what goes out of you. Yes, obviously that’s absurd, if you confine the definition of “yourself” to your voluntary, conscious, behavior.

[However] that’s a ridiculous definition of “oneself.” “Oneself” by any stretch of the imagination, must involve far more than the conscious, voluntary aspects of our behavior.

To summarize: you get out of life what you put into it, but what you put in is more than just what you think you’re putting in. You are putting in a lot of subconscious behavior that you don’t even acknowledge, and may even be blind to.

Most of us think that our conscious, ego-based intentions are what we are “putting into” life. But the ego is filled with fantasy. The ego tells us that we “deserve” something, even if our lives don’t reflect what we deserve. The ego says “I eat like crap and brag about it, but I deserve to be thin” or “I joke about never reading a book, but I want to date a guy who is smart.”

Karma isn’t based on your fantasies or what you think you deserve. Karma is based on what you put into the world.

A friend of mine realized he was “settling” for women that were “beneath him.” However, look at it this way…karma doesn’t care what your ego thinks. If you are dating them, they aren’t “beneath you”: they are at your level. Dating them reflects who you really are, and it should come as no surprise that if you date people like that, then that is what will come into your life. I mean, hell, he dated a woman like this for over a year. Which is more accurate in terms of “influencing reality,” his internal thought that he deserved someone better, or his action of committing to that type of woman for over a year?

My friend stopped messing around with women like that, stood up to women who mistreated him, and actually turned down ones that didn’t fit with his values, and guess what? Within a month he found a woman who was perfect for him.

I’m going to provide two real-life examples of dating karma in action and I’ll keep it very simple, but blunt.

The first example is a guy I almost worked with as a client. I was very cool with him and listened to a lot of his issues before taking him on (or charging him). What I noticed was a tendency to make excuses for why he was single for years. He is a successful guy by most metrics, but he was horribly unsuccessful at dating. He spent a lot of his time doing a variety of things and whenever I wanted to discuss getting his shit together, he’d always want to talk about something else. Something “came up” so he couldn’t work with me as a client, but he said he would get back to me, but never did. That is fine. Over the years I have learned not to work with unmotivated clients.

A few months ago I heard from him again, to question whether dating was possible during this pandemic. Years later, and there is yet another excuse.

Karma.

Here is another example. A friend of mine is constantly posting on social media about the lack of good guys out there. I see the memes, complaining, etc, constantly. Yet, she gets on dating apps only to kill time. She activates her profile when she needs a confidence boost, deactivates it soon after, and doesn’t message back. She lets the conversations die and ghosts people frequently. If a guy approaches her in public, she clams up or gets pissed at him for being a creep. At work, she is the opposite: she is organized and takes names and kicks butt. She is successful in her career and will talk to strangers if it means furthering her career.

She laments the lack of dates with quality guys, but is advancing at work.

By Watts’ definition, she thinks she is putting out a “give me a quality guy!” to the universe because she talks about it a lot and thinks about it, but the reality is otherwise.

Karma.

Karma isn’t a “bitch”; it just is.

During this quarantine I read that the average person is streaming eight hours of content a day. From a karmic perspective many people are going to come out of this pandemic with a lot more knowledge of a their favorite shows. And, they will have been entertained.

But many will still complain that the pandemic is a “horrible time” to start a business, find a date, get in shape, or be socially fulfilled. Yet, there are many people who are finding success doing those things. But, I promise you they aren’t watching Netflix for eight hours a day.

Again, I’m not even judging. It just is. You put in that, and get out that.

Karma defined this way is actually a relief to me. I am happy that generally speaking I get out of life what I put in.

I look back at my dating and relationships in the past and I can clearly see what was happening. I considered myself confident, physically attractive, hilarious, enlightened, wise, and having everything figured out.

In reality, none of that was true most of the time. And my dating life and relationships reflected the reality, not the fantasy my ego set up. There wasn’t some mean outside force making me dateless or in unfulfilling relationships: it was what I was putting in.

And, just as I lost 50 pounds, and went from being unable to run a mile to running over five half-marathons and seven Tough Mudder races thanks to changing my actions, when I change what I put “into” reality, I can change what I get out of it. And so can you.

April 30, 2020
Dating In The Time Of Coronavirus (Positives, Negatives, and Adapting)

The coronavirus disease, also called Covid-19, is impacting virtually every area of our lives. And, it is also impacting dating and relationships in real ways. In many states (definitely in my state of Ohio), bars and restaurants are closed (except for carryout). Mass gatherings are banned. Concerts and festivals are prohibited as well. Dating during a worldwide pandemic is a new thing for a lot of people!

Our traditional means of meeting people, going on dates, and even keeping relationships thriving have changed significantly in just the last few weeks. So, here are some of my thoughts on dating during this time. I’ll list a few of what I consider the negatives, the positives, and how people can (and will) adapt.

First, let’s start with the negatives because I basically just mentioned some.

The main negative is that meeting people “offline” is very limited right now. Bars, restaurants, places of worship, and many workplaces are closed. These are traditionally where people meet potential dates and romantic partners.

Another major negative is that traditional first dates are going to be very hard to do. Dinner dates, getting drinks, and going to concerts will be nearly impossible.

Hookups with strangers aren’t going to be as easy, unless you already know them in some capacity. Most hookups happen after an initial meeting out, and alcohol is often involved. The current situation is going to make this challenging, especially for women who aren’t often comfortable meeting strangers at a private location right away for sex.

The main negative is that a lot of people will just continue the bad dating habits that have kept them single and miserable in relationships. Doing these negative things in the current reality will just make dating even more challenging than before, since this virus is going to be a great excuse for low energy behaviors. These include things like ghosting, not engaging online matches, avoiding exercise, overeating and drinking, guys acting desperate and thirsty, women posting photos only for “likes” and then complaining nobody substantial ever comes into their lives, and so forth.

So that’s the negatives. Here are some positives and adaptations that I think could come from this. Please use some of these ideas if you are feeling overwhelmed by negativity right now. I do believe that dating during this time is very possible and may even result in stronger connections!

One main positive is that people may have to actually be open to meeting people everywhere instead of just in bars. A lot of people hate meeting people at bars, but feel like that is their only offline option. I have said for a long time that since everyone seems to hate online dating and meeting people at bars, then we should work to make meeting people at other places (like grocery stores) more socially acceptable.

People still are getting out some, mainly at grocery stores and restaurant take-outs. I also saw a lot of people when I was running outside. While being aware of social distancing, I noticed a lot of people seemed very hungry to engage others. The usual “leave me alone” looks have been replaced with “I need some human interaction” looks. I have seen a lot more smiles, waves, and friendliness. This could be a good time to meet a new friend or even a date, and joking about social distancing could be a great opener.

Another positive is that people will be forced to stop with boring and expensive dinner and bar dates. I’ve been pushing for this for years because these lackluster dates often don’t go anywhere. Right now in most places, you can still legally meet in parks, libraries, grocery stores, and even (gasp) meet in a nice neighborhood and take a walk (or go for a run). And, these dates are completely free.

And, of course, online dating is still available as an option to meet people, as are conducting “virtual” dates via FaceTime, Skype, and even through phone calls.

In fact, this relates to one of the major positives and adaptations I hope will come from this: ironically, a crisis that is separating us from people will hopefully make us realize how important it is to connect with others.

I think people are seeing that relationships and human connections matter, and a lot of what we thought mattered and we prioritized, isn’t there. The company that you overworked for, which you put ahead of finding a partner, just laid you off. The weekend partying you relied on to make your miserable workweek sufferable isn’t an option right now. And, the money you thought made you happy isn’t available if you’re laid off. I’m not minimizing the value of any of these things (I like money, working, and partying!), just saying that these things are not more important than actual human connections.

And, I hope this attitude will result in more openness and humanity in general when it comes to dating, but especially on dating apps. Maybe there will be less ghosting, less flakiness, and less extreme pickiness. Maybe people will realize that to make a real connection you ladies need to offer more than just a “hey” opener, and guys need to stop with messaging every woman the same canned lines or random dick pics. And, I hope, people may be more willing to talk over the phone or FaceTime rather than just remaining “text buddies.”

So, the positive I hope that comes from this is that we will start embracing higher energy values that come from viewing people as humans instead of stats, and that this will, in turn, allow us to make deeper and more meaningful connections. People have two choices during a crisis. Some people will embrace fear and misery and “check out.” Others will pull together and come out of this better and stronger. For those who choose the second option, I predict a stronger dating life that will lead to better relationships.

So, while dating during a pandemic isn’t easy, it’s not impossible. In fact, you may make an even stronger connection than you would make during other times.

March 19, 2020
Anxiety and Overthinking Are Sabotaging Your Love Life in 2019

When I was a sophomore in high school I fell in love for the first time. Jonathan and I were mowing yards for some extra cash. As I was walking the mower back from mowing cousin Ed’s yard, an unfamiliar voice yelled to get my attention. He and his family had just moved to town and they desperately needed their tall grass mowed. I gladly obliged. I also noticed he had a daughter around my age.

Something about her caught my eye, and I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I asked around and got her name, which was Emily (not her actual name). My friends and I enjoyed walking around the neighborhood for exercise, and I’d always make sure to include her house on the walk. I ran into her at a dance a few weeks later, and it didn’t go very well. My opening line “do you know what time it is?” was met with “well, there’s a clock up there.” Ouch.

When spring came, Emily’s friend revealed she had a crush on me, so her friend and I started “talking.” Mysteriously (lol) Emily started liking me too. My naive and cocky tenth grade self decided to try to date both girls and by the end they both hated me. Ahhhhh, good times!

I tell this adolescent love story to make a point about how love actually works. I saw her, interacted with her and put it all out there. I didn’t hold back because of fear or overthinking.

I didn’t assess her body type, measure her height, determine her career trajectory, ask her religion, or determine her political beliefs. I didn’t imagine if she’d be the perfect partner in 15 years or do a drawn out search for red flags (because I would have found plenty!).

I just felt something and gave it a chance. That particular one didn’t work out, but others that I gave a chance did, and that’s the point of this article.

Was I a little naive? Probably, but I believe that picking a partner on the basis of a ten point screening process that involves exact measurements, career trajectory, and even sharing everything in common is also senseless. That isn’t how love works and isn’t how relationships work (in fact, kindness and generosity matter far more than any metric online dating sorts for).

Love isn’t rational. Love is emotional. We connect with people based on a variety of reasons, many of them outside of our conscious awareness. Someone’s smell, presence, immunity, personality, charisma, and even their voice can play a role. What looks good “on paper” often doesn’t work in reality. And, what we think will make us happy often doesn’t.

And this is where anxiety and over-thinking come in.

Many of us have been burned by bad past relationships that didn’t meet our expectations. We keep adding more and more “dealbreakers” and standards as time goes on, which seems helpful, but really isn’t. In the process, dating goes from something enjoyable, present-oriented, risky, and intuitive, to something miserable, past/future oriented, boring, and overly logical.

And, despite our “standards” and newfound pickiness, most people who date this way are less happy.

Fear causes a strange attachment to finding the “perfect” partner, to the point of finding flaws everywhere, or even finding reasons to sabotage things with people we actually like.

It also leads to overthinking and over-analyzing, which leads to extreme pickiness, itself a defense mechanism against the uncertainty of falling in love.

Think of the best love you’ve experienced. You probably have to go way back to high school, college, or even before. Maybe you’ve never felt it.

If you have, did it come because the person looked “perfect” on paper? Did the sparks happen because you subjected him or her to a series of 20 questions to see if there was a “dealbreaker” present? When you fell for him, was if after you measured his exact height, figured out how far he lived from you, knew his exact age, and knew where he was on the political spectrum?

Did any of that matter when you were sitting under the stars with him after the football game or your heart was racing as he made out with you in his car on that hot summer night?

While I believe it’s important to connect with someone based on values, just imagine the people you’ve been in love with who you may have never met because you’re focusing on building the perfect partner on paper. Imagine the experiences you’d have missed then if you took the view of dating that you do now.

To date successfully, and find love, fear and overthinking are your worst enemies. Dating involves getting on the surfboard and throwing yourself into the wave. You may surf for hours or it may knock you off and send water up your nose. It is putting yourself out there, ready to face the joy and happiness, but also the potential heartbreak.

Overthinking misses the point of love. It’s trying to take something that is by its very nature unpredictably complex (both beautiful and dangerous at the same time), and control and tame it. Love isn’t about whether the guy you’re with will look presentable in couples photos on Facebook. It certainly isn’t about a person’s exact weight, height, or income (although these do play a role). And, it isn’t about pre-ordering the perfect partner based on whether you think you’ll never get hurt over the next 40 years.

Instead, I suggest being more open to the people around you, and how they make you feel. Does he make you happy? Do you like spending time with her? Could you possibly see yourself feeling that way? Well, if so, swipe right and see what happens. Trust yourself, live in the present as much as possible, and ride the wave.

What would it be like to feel this way again? Can you imagine the feeling?

January 6, 2020
Why Dating “Rules” And “Dealbreakers” Keep You Single And Miserable

When we’re young, love is fun and exciting. I remember the first time I ever held hands with a girl. It was in seventh grade, in a dark movie theater. It was electrifying. I had a bit of a crush on Laura, and I talked about it for days after. Of course my buddies gave me a hard time for not kissing her as well. They jokingly called me pollo del cine, “chicken of the movie theater.” Well at least they found some use for the Spanish we were learning.

I also remember my first kiss, first time cuddling, first time making out, and so forth. Back then love was magical, and despite the ups-and-downs, I enjoyed it. It was a love that wasn’t really defined by rules, checklists, and dealbreakers. I didn’t have to be in complete control so much. Why do people seem to hate dating so much? Why do they seem to get into relationships where they are miserable?

I think part of the reason why so many people hate dating these days, and get into so many subpar, settling relationships, lies with all the ridiculous rules, standards, and dealbreakers people profess to have these days.

And, it is particularly bad precisely because most dating advice from experts and family members encourages the adoption of increasingly strict rules and dealbreakers.

Can you imagine if I treated my junior high and high school relationships this way?? It might look like this.

“Well I would hold Laura’s hand, but she isn’t on the college track, and she might be moving to a different school in June, so I’ll pass.”

“I can’t date Brooke because even though we like each other I think she is center-left politically and I only date center-right people.”

“Even though I like Chrissy, I shouldn’t, because I only date girls who are between 5’0″ and 5’3. And we are in the same class and if we break up it could be awkward.”

You may laugh at my examples, but this is exactly what many modern daters do. They come up with these crazy rules and standards that they think will bring them the perfect partner, but just bring them misery.

Here’s why.

For one, research shows that what people think they want in a partner is different from what they actually want. A lot of people just don’t know what kind of partner they actually want. So, you’re following all these rules and standards that may not even reflect what you actually want! It’s like someone meticulously following a map to nowhere.

Also, many of these rules lead to conventional relationships that look great on paper and look perfect to friends and relatives, but that are horribly boring. This is why many people, women in particular, end up partnering up with people who do nothing for them. They choose a guy based on all the rules and standards they set (“he must have graduated from college, have a good job, be over 6 foot, etc”) but they actually find themselves fantasizing about a guy who meets none of the standards!

I say “women in particular” because let’s be honest, most guys have the standard of “she must be pretty and not completely crazy.” And for many guys, their only rule is the woman must have a pulse! So, it’s pretty easy for most guys to follow the rules they impose on themselves. However, some guys truly do have ridiculous rules in their head.

Let’s take some common dating rules that people impose. One is you can’t date someone much younger. I hear this from women all the time. A 30-something woman connects with a 20-something guy and she starts flipping out and even feeling guilty. She likes him. The sex is great. But, her “rule” is that he is out of her age range. So, not only does she stress about it, but she may actually stop dating the guy to date someone else who meets her arbitrary “rule,” but whom she actually likes less than the younger guy!

Another “rule” I hear is that a guy must have a college degree or must make a certain amount of money. This “rule” is problematic for multiple reasons. For one, more women than men have college degrees. So, this creates a shortage of college-educated men. Second, I have seen women connect with a smart, handsome, and funny guy without a degree, but pass him up for a boring, dumb, uglier guy with a degree, simply because of that degree.

Another problem with these “rules” and “standards” is that they actually get in the way of a real love connection. For example, women swipe right only 4.5% of the time on Tinder. Imagine if this rate was true outside of Tinder: most women would be single and lonely.

Imagine how many crushes and deep connections haven’t happened because of self-imposed rules. The boss you crushed on forever that you still think about? He’s too old and too short based on your standards. That weirdly cute nerdy guy you loved from your college class? His politics are different from yours and that’s a “dealbreaker.” The girl you still think about from your summer internship a few years ago? She doesn’t have the same hobbies as you and you can “only date women who share your interests.”

Your rules may be helpful, or they may not be. If you are lamenting that despite having a lot of matches and dates, you just aren’t finding the right person, then your “rules” and “standards” probably need reevaluated and maybe even thrown out. If you also can’t meet anybody and are lonely, then that could be another sign your rules are pointless.

So, go out there and be a rebel. Break some of your own rules. You may find the result is love, and freedom from your self-imposed tyranny.

October 11, 2019
5 Reasons Why It’s Okay To Be Single

I decided to update this article, since it is officially National Singles Week (the third week in September).

For most people, being single is synonymous with being a failure. The expectation is that if you’re single, you must absolutely hate it. And, people (particularly women) will pity you, or perhaps even judge you, because they assume if you’re single, you can’t get someone to like you and must be lonely.

And, many single people feel this way. Single people feel left out, like failures, and this makes just the simple act of being single seem depressing and lonely. This can get particularly bad if all your friends are displaying all their relationship photos and milestones on social media, and you don’t have anybody to “show off.”

When I was a teacher, a student once told me that when she first saw me, she felt sorry for me because I didn’t have a wedding ring on. While I was in a relationship at this time, it’s funny how even though she said her initial impression of me was really positive as a successful and fun person, she still felt sorry for me because she thought I was single!

So, I promise you, it’s okay to be single! In fact, it may even be a good thing you’re single. And, I’m of the opinion that most people would be far happier being single than being in most of the relationships they are in.

And, here are five reason reasons why being single is okay!

1. Being single is better than being with a dud

Look around at all your friends in relationships. Are they really happy? You know that “I hate being single so I’ll pretty much pair up with the first person who comes along” attitude you may sometimes have when you’re extra lonely? Well, many of your friends are probably married to people whose main qualification was being “the first person who happened to come along.” In my capacity as a dating and relationship expert, I can tell you that many people are deeply unhappy in relationships, and would be single if they didn’t have attachment issues or fear being alone.

And, after a few years, many of these friends are envying you for being single. Many of them are resenting coming home to a partner who has likely let themselves go, works too much, and hasn’t wanted sex for years. They want to be single.

2. You don’t need “permission” to do anything

I know a lot of men and women who can’t so much as go to the bathroom without notifying their significant others. Now, this may be a slight exaggeration, but how many times have you wanted to do something truly fun or exciting, and you checked with your partner only to get a “no?” Perhaps they did say “yes,” but then they started acting so passive-aggressively to make you feel guilty that you knew they really meant “no.”

It’s not fun to need permission to do the things that make you alive and happy. If you’re single, the only person you need to ask permission from is yourself.

3. You probably are closer with family, friends, and your community

One study found that single people were more connected socially than people in relationships, who tended to focus their social time with their partners. Single people had more lively friendships, family connections, and community connections. It isn’t a surprise, because research shows that when you get into a romantic relationship you lose an average of two friends.

So, while your partnered friends go home to a person sitting on the couch who grunts at them, single people are more likely to be having fun with friends and family and out in the community. Sadly, it’s my experience that when my friends and I are in relationships, we rarely see each other. That’s a shame because while romantic relationships often come and go, friendships are more lasting.

4. You can enjoy your hobbies again

It’s kind of funny how I can always tell when people are about to be single – or are single – because they start to do the things they enjoy again. Runners start running again. Hobbyists start doing their hobbies. And, everyone doing these hobbies seems pretty happy…until they meet someone romantically and stop doing their hobbies once again. It’s kind of a crazy cycle.

So, being single you’re able to enjoy the hobbies that make you happy and fulfilled.

5. You can chase your dreams

The other day I was on Twitter and noticed a former student who was set to go to a major university studying in the field of her dreams wasn’t going to that school anymore. Then, I noticed she made that decision based on staying with her boyfriend, who went to a more local college. I have mixed views about prioritizing careers and relationships: I can see the benefits of making life choices based on both. I am no fan of the idea that abandoning an important person for a career will make you happy.

However, to abandon your dreams for a romantic partner, especially one you may not even know very well, seems pretty limiting. So, if you’re single, your friends are thinking about the best way to compromise with someone who may or may not be on the same page as them, while you’re free to pursue your dreams.

So, as you can see, it’s okay to be single. There are a lot of benefits to it, and your life may even be happier than when you’re in relationships. Enjoy your singleness and have some fun!

September 17, 2019
To Get A Date, PLEASE Stop Being Boring

This isn’t going to be a long article, but it is a necessary one to write. In my experience as a dating coach, and also just interacting with people in general, I have to say that the biggest reason many men and women are dateless is that they are so boring and disengaging that it is almost unreal.

A client of mine literally had a conversation on a dating app that went like this:

Him: Hey! Your profile looks cool. Are you an artist? It looks like it from your photos.
Her: no
Him: Oh, so what do you do then?
Her: stylist
Him: I am in banking, but I always need a good stylist though!
Her: Oh
Him: Are you usually this boring or just that way on dating apps?
Her: WYM?

Seriously. What in the hell? Was there an actual human typing there or just a very poorly programmed bot?

And, I’m not just picking on women. If anything we guys are the worst. We think “hey beautiful” or “wyd?” counts as a good opener. Many guys also think that punctuation is optional, as is talking about anything except themselves.

Notice I haven’t even gotten to actual dates yet.

On dates, a lot of people are boring too. If I were to identify the biggest mistake people make while going on dates, it’s that they follow stereotypical dating advice and end up being horribly boring.

Does anybody wake up and say “Today I want to pay a lot of money to eat with a stranger and exchange information related to the boring details of our lives?”

No! But, that is essentially what most first dates are. It’s an information exchange over food that is about as interesting as the PowerPoint presentation your boss puts up at work meetings.

Maybe this all describes you. So, you may ask, then what is the secret to being non-boring, since I do want some positivity to come from this article?

Basically, it’s to generate emotion through engagement.

If you are generating emotion (even bad emotions, but I suggest focusing on good emotion) and engaging a person, you won’t be boring.

Being engaging means taking an interest in the person, expressing it sufficiently (use sentences for goodness sake), and encouraging follow-up questions and comments. For example, if they just texted you about their raise at work, being engaging means asking them how they got it. Or what they plan to do with the money. And, offering a congratulations in addition to this is engaging too (and likely to generate a positive emotion).

Replying only with “cool” is boring and encourages zero follow-up, as does opening with “hey.” Also, immediately mentioning you just got a raise and then changing the subject to your raise isn’t engaging either. It’s disengaging to steal someone’s thunder by making everything about you immediately.

Generating emotion is one of the biggest pieces of advice we give guys on a date, and can be done through good engagement.

Make your date feel something rather than simply exchanging information. Make them leave feeling excited, happy, and sexually excited, and you’ll get a first or second date, guaranteed. I have interacted with women where they didn’t know my real name, my real age, or what I did for a living (because I was jokingly coy about all three) and they STILL wanted to see me again. Why? It’s the same reason you will be hooked on a movie after the first 10 minutes. You feel something, and even with little information, and you want to know more. Imagine if a “movie” was just a PowerPoint laying out all the facts of the movie.

It’s beyond the scope of this article to tell you how to effectively generate emotion, but if your date is laughing, smiling, and feeling sexual tension, you’re doing a hell of a lot better than if they are frowning and not flirting.

One easy way to generate emotion even if you aren’t good at quality engagement is to plan a naturally emotionally charged date, like a concert, rock climbing, or running a 5k together. Those are far more likely to generate emotion than a dinner alone.

And, remember, people communicate a lot over text these days. You can be funny and engaging over text (and dating apps) too. In fact, people expect it.

So, for the love of God, stop. being. boring.

September 11, 2019
Can Chemistry Grow and Develop? Should You Feel It Immediately?

I spend some time on dating and relationship forums, and it seems like almost daily people are asking questions about chemistry. The two most common questions are related, so I want to address them here. They are “can chemistry develop?” and “should you feel chemistry by a certain time?” like on a first date (or second, etc)?

Usually it is women asking these questions, and I’ll explain why below. These questions are becoming more and more common as people use online dating and date into their 30s and 40s. As I have explained before, online dating is pretty unnatural, and it doesn’t do a great job of mimicking the process by which humans fall in love naturally.

In the past, people would connect based on chemistry. Chemistry had to be there from the beginning, because that’s what would spark the whole relationship process. When I met Brooke, my girlfriend during my senior year of high school, it began with chemistry. We flirted in the computer lab and I knew at that moment we would be dating soon. The chemistry was clear.

However, a lot of people meet online these days, and aren’t choosing potential dates based on a “spark” but based on people who seem logically compatible, “on paper”: they are stable, nice, have a decent job, a decent education, and would look very normal in Facebook couples photos. They also might share common interests. So, it seems like they should be a good date. They literally do nothing “wrong” on the first date, and are polite and intelligent.

And, as people date into their 30s and 40s and beyond, many people have been “burned” by past relationships with a lot of chemistry (but with very little emotional connection or shared values). So, they decide to “swing to the other extreme” and choose a person based mainly on whether the person would make a great friend, and ignore their desire for chemistry if it isn’t there.

In these cases, your friends would think he’s great. Your mom would think he’s great. You think you should think he’s great. But, there’s just no chemistry! You feel nothing. If anything, the thought of sex with him might even turn you off a little!

And, you become conflicted inside, because it’s like your brain is battling your heart and gut.

I never would have met Brooke based on this modern system. We didn’t really have much in common before we met, and it’s hard to tell if based on logical “on paper” metrics we would have even chosen each other. So, we both would have just gone on numerous boring dates and never have found each other.

Some people would say basing a relationship on chemistry is bad, but I disagree. Chemistry is the natural evolutionary determinant of a romantic connection. I am not suggesting going by chemistry alone (since you might ignore red flags), but chemistry must be the basis of a romantic relationship, which hopefully also has “on paper” compatibility.

I define “chemistry” as being sexually (or at least romantically and not platonically) attracted to the person. I know this is a very simple definition, but ultimately chemistry goes back to this. It isn’t logical, and probably largely subconscious. It expresses itself as sexual tension, flirting, and intimate body language. When it’s there, that person consumes your mind.

Men usually feel chemistry if a woman is attractive physically and is engaging enough (for many men, being attractive is enough). This is why many guys leave first dates confident they made a good impression, while women often are less sure. The guys were visually attracted, so what else is there to feel?

For women, attraction is more complicated. Looks are important, but so are things like confidence, humor, dominance, and a guy’s overall demeanor, personality, and sexual vibe. This is why it may seem to women like chemistry is something deeper than sexual attraction, but it boils down to whether the guy excites you. Unfortunately, many guys do not do this.

So can chemistry develop? Should you give it time to develop?

The answer is “maybe.” Sometimes it may be hard to assess someone’s attractiveness immediately. I have known women in particular who didn’t like a guy until he stood up for himself, got his life together, or showed her in some capacity that he was confident. It is possible that after a few dates someone could show a side of themselves that you never saw, a side that awakens some passion for that person.

On the other hand, people are pretty predictable. It’s not likely a boring guy on two dates is going to show up and be an exciting guy the third, or take your mind off of the guy you really want, like your boss or some ex you never stopped thinking about.

So, while chemistry may not develop on the first date, I personally wouldn’t give it too many dates. If you have to ask “will chemistry ever come?” then the answer is it won’t.

Taking the attitude that chemistry will hopefully come “at some point” is a recipe for disaster. The results are dead bedrooms, resentment from both partners, and ultimately emotional and physical cheating. I promise you that someone you do have chemistry with will eventually come along, whether it’s a co-worker, new friend, or whatever.

And, when that person comes along, it will awaken feelings in you that you really, really like. Feelings that you missed, and feelings that will leave you in a bind. If you act on those feelings, you’re betraying your partner. If you don’t act on them, you are reminded of just how romantically miserable your romantic partnership is.

If you don’t believe me, marriage researcher John Gottman found that passionate couples (even ones who fought regularly) were the only couples in his studies that still had a romantic marriage after 35 years! So, couples that lacked that passion were either divorced or basically “just friends” within later years of marriage.

The solution for a great relationship isn’t to go entirely based on chemistry or ignore it. Allow yourself to be single and date around for a while until you find someone who is both compatible “on paper” (i.e. common interests, emotional connection, stable, etc) and whom you feel chemistry for. It may mean sorting through a few more people or being single a little longer, but in the end it will make for the best relationship you can imagine.

Please join us at our Facebook page for more discussion related to finding love in 2019!

August 26, 2019
Where To Meet Potential Dates In The Real World

Many of our coaching clients are quite rightly fed up with online dating, and want to meet people in “the real world.” We oblige.

They think that we will provide them with magical places or locations that are just teeming with single, eligible, and attractive people who are also outgoing enough to initiate a conversation, take the lead in showing interest, and then do all the work in “closing.”

Unfortunately, there is no such place. Before I list some of the places that are pretty decent to meet people, let me explain some of the pitfalls of thinking that a magical place to meet people exists.

When I was single in my 20s, I would always think of the next big place I could go to meet women. Then I’d get there and it would never live up to what I thought it would be. My experience as a dating coach has led me to the same conclusion. There are no truly amazing places to meet people, at least if you define “places” as locations that create the perfect situation for you.

If you think there is going to be a place that will be simultaneously busy, filled with single and attractive people that share your values, and is a venue that makes meeting these people easy and effortless, then you’re dreaming.

The only “easy” way to meet people is first and foremost to have a good friend group and real-world social network. This is easier for people in high school, college, or who have a job that puts them around a lot of people (like at a major hospital, for example). My observation is that some 20-somethings have these factors going for them, but as people in friend groups “marry off” the group shrinks and shrinks, and many single people in their 30s and beyond just can’t meet people this way.

Outside of this, you’re really going to have the skills to talk to strangers and then carry on a good conversation if you want to really succeed at meeting people in real life.

So, with that being said, I’ll list a few great “places” to meet potential dates in real life, as well as the pitfalls associated with each.

MeetUp Or Similar Groups

A lot of singles are looking into Meetup as an option. Meetup allows for the creation of common interest groups and then opportunities to meet based on them. Using meetups as a way to get a date can lead to a few problems. First of all, the singles groups tend to be like online dating, just in person. In other words, everyone has their guards up, and it can be awkward. If you are using other groups to get a date (like, let’s say, a hiking group), you’re going to find that many of them are filled with couples or others who had the same idea! So, I have noticed many of these groups are filled with guys looking to meet women.

Nonetheless, if you can find a group you enjoy, and have enough social skills and looks to stand out from others in the group, this could be a great way to meet a date and new people in general.

I joined a local running club because I enjoyed running, but I also made some friends from it. However, as a dating venture, there was maybe one single woman in the group.

Become A “Regular” Somewhere

Familiarity is one of the best ways to connect someone. This is why meeting someone in high school and college is often easy. You have time on your side. You can get to know someone in a class or through a club. It gives you time to get comfortable, build some attraction, and gives one of the two parties involved time to build up the courage to ask the other out.

One way to do this is to become a “regular” anywhere. I have done this to a degree with a local pub trivia place. I now know a lot of the people there and have even met some friends of friends.

The benefits of this are that you can build familiarity over time, and meeting people will be more natural. People have their guards down too. There are two main drawbacks. First, you have to choose a place that will have good romantic prospects. For example, if you’re a woman who decides to be a regular at a crafting store, then you’re probably not going to meet too many guys there. Second, even if you’re a regular at a place, it doesn’t mean a lot of other people will be. Even playing trivia I have noticed many people come for a few times and don’t return.

The Gym

So is the gym a good place to meet people? My clear and definitive answer is “it depends.” Let’s take your average Planet Fitness (yes, it’s a real gym for all you haters). It’s often crowded and filled with a good cross-section of people. Given that it’s a gym, it also is more likely to have motivated and physically attractive people in it. So, if you want a lot of people like that in one place, a gym could be a great option.

The problem is that most people are at the gym to work out and leave. And, since everyone usually has headphones in, it’s definitely a challenging place to meet others.

This is where you have to change your mindset (something I highly suggest in this article). While I don’t recommend getting into long conversations with people at the gym, simply being friendly, smiling, and throwing the occasional question (“do you know how to use this?”) or comment (“man you worked hard today!”) could start something.

By doing this you are also planting seeds for later. I have met three women from my gym while I was out and about. All of them came up and introduced themselves when they saw me out in the community, because they recognized me from the gym, and because I give off a friendly vibe while there.

Singles Events

I’m not a huge fan of singles events. The ones I have gone too tend to end up a lot like online dating, and that’s not a good thing. People have their guards way up, women tend to be extremely picky, attractive people clean up while less attractive people get very little attention, the number of attractive people is sometimes slim, and everyone feels really awkward because there is no common interest connection.

Despite a huge crowd, fun games, and a lot of interaction, one singles event I helped with was so bad I don’t think a single person connected. It’s because, for better or for worse, your average person doesn’t go to singles events. So, you’re limited to people who have decided to go to singles events.

This being said, at least you know everyone there is single, and if you have the attractiveness and skills to stand out, it could be a good way to meet people.

Bars And Clubs

Bars and clubs are a real mixed bag. Bars suffer from a whole host of problems but also have a lot of opportunity. One main positive is that alcohol tends to loosen people up (in fact some evolutionary psychologists believe alcohol has played an important role in human social bonding), so shy or reserved people are more likely to open up. Another plus is that not only are some bars really crowded, but people are there to interact socially (versus the gym or church where they are there to do other things).

The main downside in 2019 is knowing where to go. Finding the right place can be a challenge, especially as more and more people have other things to do (like watch Netflix). There are also a lot of options like smaller breweries, so finding a place where “everybody goes” can be tough, and you may be more likely to find a lot of places with smaller crowds.

Plus, some people just don’t want to meet a partner while drinking, or consider people who go to bars lower quality people. There is also the issue of cost. If you are drinking or there is a cover charge, it’s not always cheap. Finally, some people are in different moods the day after drinking, so just because someone seems to be in love with you at a bar one night doesn’t mean they will even want to see you the next day.

Festivals

Festivals are great places to meet people, because they often have music, activities, and are centered around a theme or community. You may even see people you’ve seen around town at the gym or other places, and you can finally feel comfortable saying something. Some festivals even involve alcohol which means people are more likely to be social.

The main drawback is that you may have to talk to a lot of strangers because not many festivals have natural ways to encourage interaction. Also, many festivals are family oriented and not necessarily a big draw for single people.

Concerts

I have met quite a few people at concerts. They can often be fun, carefree events where everybody guaranteed has a common interest: the artist. And, you’re around a lot of people and often jam-packed next to them, so they have no choice but to be up close and personal.

I have found smaller events and concerts to be the best. The venues are often more intimate and people have more commitment to the artists in question. It creates more chances to talk and bond. Bigger venues mean that people are assigned seats so you don’t know who you’ll be next to. The main drawback is that they are loud and it can be hard to have a conversation.

Houses Of Worship

Churches, synagogues, and other religious places can be a decent place to meet others, but as anyone who has tried meeting people there will tell you, it’s not always filled with a lot of opportunities. For one, people just aren’t as religious as they used to be. Many churches are shrinking in size, and if you attend a church based on proximity, worship experience, or spiritual factors, you may find yourself in a community with very few single people. If you choose a church based solely on popularity, you may be more likely to meet people (but is that what God wants??).

Also, you may have to do the real bulk of meeting people through small groups or even singles groups (some houses of worship have them). This requires time and commitment, so unless you’re already interested in that place and its message, it’s a pretty big time investment just to meet people.

Wherever You Want To Meet Them

I’ll go a little “mind blowing” for this last one. The best place to meet people is wherever you want. I say this assuming you’re socially aware, not creepy, and understand social context (in other words, no, I don’t mean walking into a wedding and asking out someone about to get married).

Meeting people in 2019 is tough, especially as you get older, because social cohesion doesn’t exist anymore. People don’t know their neighbors, friend groups are shrinking, and people aren’t required to socialize as much (many people, for example, have food and groceries delivered and use mobile banking). The opportunities to get to know people “naturally” have decreased.

The only real solution is to create your own opportunities by meeting people wherever you are, if you feel like it. You can talk to people while waiting in lines, joke or flirt with the clerk at a check-out line, or make conversation with the people seated next to you on the bus.

If we look at these interactions like sales leads, these won’t be as “warm” as leads from other places, like when you have seen someone at church ten times, and smiled and said “hi” a few times, but there is also a lot more potential to get dates and meet great people when the whole world is the best “place” to meet people.

Please join us for our discussion about finding love in 2019 on our Facebook page. And, good luck in meeting people in the real world!

June 26, 2019