Category: Find Love in 2019

Based on the most recent data, one-third of Americans have used a dating app at some point. Previous data showed that 19% of all internet users are using some type of online dating. So, many people are familiar with the various apps and sites, which include Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish, and others.

But, a lot of people also are disillusioned with online dating and often say it just “feels weird.” Others put it more bluntly: online dating is bad and it sucks. This is the common feedback I get from clients and friends.

Well, one analysis in 2020 found that online dating app users were different from non-users: they were more likely to use illegal drugs, have less self-control, abuse alcohol, and engage in sexually deceptive behavior.

And, some research suggests a third of people using online dating haven’t even gotten a date! Only 39% of users have used online dating to get into a relationship. For Tinder, one analysis found 70% of people never have gone on a date and most people use the app for attention and to waste time.

And, the quality of relationships derived from online dating seems to be lower. Research shows that people who met online are more likely to break up in the first year and they are three times more likely to get divorced if they get married.

So, I’m not making it up when I say online dating doesn’t work for a lot of people. And, I think the reason is that it takes a complex process that evolved over hundreds of thousands of years, and tries to do it in a very limited and modern way. So, to put it more simply: it’s unnatural.

Here are the reasons why online dating is unnatural.

Online Dating Is Too Logical And Conscious

Attraction is highly emotional. We decide whom we like in the older parts of our brains, the emotional centers (often called “the limbic system”). We have a saying “attraction is not a choice,” which means you can’t intellectually “think” your way into (or out of) attraction. You can choose whom you date and your actions resulting from attraction, but you can’t choose attraction.

Because of this, a lot of our attraction preferences are outside our conscious awareness. The newer and logical parts of our brains simply aren’t involved in attraction.

So you may be attracted to muscular guys with deep voices, or your boss, and not even fully know why. You may have convinced yourself you like your boss because he’s into Harry Potter and other common interests, but in reality you are attracted to him because women typically are attracted to men in power. Because, if you think about it, you aren’t attracted to five of your co-workers who also have multiple common interests.

But, when you go online to look for a guy, you think logically, so you swipe right on the guys who share common interests. And, you end up going on bad dates with guys more like your five co-workers than your boss. Why? Because online dating encourages logical and conscious choices and doesn’t allow for the more subconscious and emotional factors to play out.

Since online dating is logical, it also means you may have swiped left (rejected) on guys you would have felt something for had you met in person (like your boss).

Yes, online dating is taking something largely emotional and subconscious and making it logical and conscious, and it’s no wonder so many people aren’t happy!

In the video below I tell a story that shows just how ridiculous it would be to approach real-world dating the way we do online.

Charisma Matters

Charisma is important in assessing attraction. Charisma can be thought of as presence, warmth, and power. This is very hard, if not impossible, to assess online, and even harder from a few photos and a brief bio (if you are even screening for that at all). So, dating apps simply can’t reasonably determine if that person you’re evaluating is charismatic.

But, charisma does matter. Many of our female clients describe crushing on guys who have a lot of charisma. These guys have a presence about them, a personal confidence, and also have a great sense of humor. These are guys many women would likely swipe left on (or pre-screen based on filters) on dating apps.

While women find personality and charisma more attractive than men do (men assess attraction more visually), we guys still find more women attractive in person than online simply due to presence. For example, I have liked women in person I know I wouldn’t “like” online. They have had a certain presence and flirtatiousness that could never be conveyed online.

Smell Matters

You may not know it, but scent is critical for human attraction. While there is debate whether humans have or respond to pheromones (basically love chemicals that some animals clearly have), smell still seems to play an important role in attraction and compatibility, and it’s largely outside of our conscious awareness.

For example, in one study women rated men with attractive faces as healthier, sexier, and more attractive not by seeing their actual faces, but simply from their smell! And research shows women may have a keener sense of smell than men, so smell is even more important for women when evaluating attractiveness.

Obviously online dating eliminates this component of compatibility entirely, although there are some services out there that apparently will match you based on the clothing samples men have worn.

Personality Matters

This overlaps with charisma, but includes other factors like kindness, attitude, intelligence, and even quirkiness or something unique that just pulls you to that person. You can kind of figure out personality from a dating profile, but it’s challenging and not accurate. Why? Because in person you’re evaluating personality from more than just words; you’re likely picking up a vibe from a person’s mannerisms and body language, impossible to gauge accurately online.

Also, comments that might come across as quirky and even fun in real life often come across as weird or creepy on a profile.

Online dating sites try to assess personality, but I believe that they miss the point. Answering a bunch of questions (as OK Cupid does to determine a percentage of “compatibility”) more reflects the output of your logical brain, than your actual personality.

As with charisma, conveying your actual personality (and assessing someone else’s) online is almost impossible.

Rapport (And Time) Matter

The biggest issue with online dating is that a true connection requires rapport. Despite the surge of online dating’s popularity, only 39% of couples met online (warning: pdf), with more people still meeting in real life.

I believe this is because rapport is often necessary for a connection to develop. The way most people build rapport is by spending time together, although I do believe it can be built more quickly, but that’s not very common. Rapport is necessary as a kind of “gut feeling” way to assess if someone is safe and right for you.

This is why a lot of women ultimately fall for co-workers, classmates, friends, or celebrities (even though the rapport is one-sided here, it is still felt). If they saw these same guys on a dating app or even were approached by them at a club, most women would reject them.

Women in particular need to feel some comfort with a guy before they will give them a chance romantically. There are evolutionary reasons I won’t get into here, but let’s just say that if you don’t feel some type of safety with a guy you’re less likely to feel attraction.

You simply can’t build rapport and connection online from a profile and a few photos. If you could spend some time with some of those people you’re swiping left on, you’d probably feel attraction. But, online dating doesn’t allow it.

We Really Don’t Know What We Want Online

When sorting online, we think things matter that really don’t. For example, since companies allow us to sort by things like height, body type, income, politics, common interests, distance, and age, we think these are important. In reality, while they matter to a degree generally (most 20-somethings aren’t looking to date 70-somethings, but this can happen too), strict exact numbers might be getting in the way of a real love connection.

In real life, we treat people as a unified package. Most love connections happen, as I mentioned above, based on subconscious emotional factors that create chemistry. So, you feel that chemistry for your kind and cute co-worker, so you’ll overlook the fact that he may have different common interests or not be as tall as you like. However, online he’s not treated as a whole person, but as a composite of traits and checklists.

That doesn’t sound very human does it? Because it’s not! And this might explain why a lot of people, women in particular, are very picky online, swiping right on only 4.5% of guys (data within full study) and rating 85% of guys unattractive (men swipe right over 60% of the time and rate the same percentage of women as attractive). However, this is online. This clearly shows that it is nearly impossible to realistically evaluate someone online, unless we truly believe that only 15% of guys are dateable.

And, you may not even know what you’re sorting for. So, the professor you had a crush on might have been older than you estimated, or shorter (since research shows people rate professors and other guys with status as taller). So, ironically, the guy you like more than anything might be outside your age and height filters online!

In conclusion, I can only imagine what would have happened to classic romances throughout history if they had begun online. The reality is they likely wouldn’t have begun at all. And, this may explain why even though you’re pickier than ever, on more apps than before, and going on more dates, you’re not meeting the right person. It may also explain why you can’t seem to ever find the quality person you’re looking for online, even though you see a lot of quality people around you every day.

So…

The man with piercing eye contact who walks into your work like he owns the place, whom you couldn’t stop thinking about…he’s filtered because he was too old.

The flirtatious and fun woman who you fantasize about daily…she’s filtered because her body type isn’t athletic.

The strangely funny and nerdy guy you see at Starbucks every morning…you swiped left because he doesn’t take good photos.

The cute and nice girl you see on the subway every day…you didn’t even see her because she’s outside your distance range of 20 miles.

So, the reason you can’t find the love of your life online is that the very medium itself isn’t equipped for the task of finding love.

When I was a sophomore in high school I fell in love for the first time. Jonathan and I were mowing yards for some extra cash. As I was walking the mower back from mowing cousin Ed’s yard, an unfamiliar voice yelled to get my attention. He and his family had just moved to town and they desperately needed their tall grass mowed. I gladly obliged. I also noticed he had a daughter around my age.

Something about her caught my eye, and I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I asked around and got her name, which was Emily (not her actual name). My friends and I enjoyed walking around the neighborhood for exercise, and I’d always make sure to include her house on the walk. I ran into her at a dance a few weeks later, and it didn’t go very well. My opening line “do you know what time it is?” was met with “well, there’s a clock up there.” Ouch.

When spring came, Emily’s friend revealed she had a crush on me, so her friend and I started “talking.” Mysteriously (lol) Emily started liking me too. My naive and cocky tenth grade self decided to try to date both girls and by the end they both hated me. Ahhhhh, good times!

I tell this adolescent love story to make a point about how love actually works. I saw her, interacted with her and put it all out there. I didn’t hold back because of fear or overthinking.

I didn’t assess her body type, measure her height, determine her career trajectory, ask her religion, or determine her political beliefs. I didn’t imagine if she’d be the perfect partner in 15 years or do a drawn out search for red flags (because I would have found plenty!).

I just felt something and gave it a chance. That particular one didn’t work out, but others that I gave a chance did, and that’s the point of this article.

Was I a little naive? Probably, but I believe that picking a partner on the basis of a ten point screening process that involves exact measurements, career trajectory, and even sharing everything in common is also senseless. That isn’t how love works and isn’t how relationships work (in fact, kindness and generosity matter far more than any metric online dating sorts for).

Love isn’t rational. Love is emotional. We connect with people based on a variety of reasons, many of them outside of our conscious awareness. Someone’s smell, presence, immunity, personality, charisma, and even their voice can play a role. What looks good “on paper” often doesn’t work in reality. And, what we think will make us happy often doesn’t.

And this is where anxiety and over-thinking come in.

Many of us have been burned by bad past relationships that didn’t meet our expectations. We keep adding more and more “dealbreakers” and standards as time goes on, which seems helpful, but really isn’t. In the process, dating goes from something enjoyable, present-oriented, risky, and intuitive, to something miserable, past/future oriented, boring, and overly logical.

And, despite our “standards” and newfound pickiness, most people who date this way are less happy.

Fear causes a strange attachment to finding the “perfect” partner, to the point of finding flaws everywhere, or even finding reasons to sabotage things with people we actually like.

It also leads to overthinking and over-analyzing, which leads to extreme pickiness, itself a defense mechanism against the uncertainty of falling in love.

Think of the best love you’ve experienced. You probably have to go way back to high school, college, or even before. Maybe you’ve never felt it.

If you have, did it come because the person looked “perfect” on paper? Did the sparks happen because you subjected him or her to a series of 20 questions to see if there was a “dealbreaker” present? When you fell for him, was if after you measured his exact height, figured out how far he lived from you, knew his exact age, and knew where he was on the political spectrum?

Did any of that matter when you were sitting under the stars with him after the football game or your heart was racing as he made out with you in his car on that hot summer night?

While I believe it’s important to connect with someone based on values,  just imagine the people you’ve been in love with who you may have never met because you’re focusing on building the perfect partner on paper. Imagine the experiences you’d have missed then if you took the view of dating that you do now.

To date successfully, and find love, fear and overthinking are your worst enemies. Dating involves getting on the surfboard and throwing yourself into the wave. You may surf for hours or it may knock you off and send water up your nose. It is putting yourself out there, ready to face the joy and happiness, but also the potential heartbreak.

Overthinking misses the point of love. It’s trying to take something that is by its very nature unpredictably complex (both beautiful and dangerous at the same time), and control and tame it. Love isn’t about whether the guy you’re with will look presentable in couples photos on Facebook. It certainly isn’t about a person’s exact weight, height, or income (although these do play a role). And, it isn’t about pre-ordering the perfect partner based on whether you think you’ll never get hurt over the next 40 years.

Instead, I suggest being more open to the people around you, and how they make you feel. Does he make you happy? Do you like spending time with her? Could you possibly see yourself feeling that way? Well, if so, swipe right and see what happens. Trust yourself, live in the present as much as possible, and ride the wave.

What would it be like to feel this way again? Can you imagine the feeling?

For those who are unaware, we are entering that time known as cuffing season. Supposedly, people who normally enjoy the freedom of being single or “dating around” decide to settle into a more traditional relationship during the fall and winter months. They are “cuffed” or tied down to another person.

You’ll see a lot about this in the media and shared on socials. But, is cuffing season real? After all, if cuffing season was grounded in reality and supported by science and studies, wouldn’t it be pretty obvious?

While cuffing season is largely a popular culture phenomenon rather than a scientific one, you’ll be surprised to know that cuffing season is real and backed by facts.

Kind of.

This article will explain why the desire to settle down increases as the days get shorter and the temperatures dip.

Cabin Fever

In many places, the climate decides a lot of our activities and we make plans based on the weather. In colder climates, especially those with inclement weather, human activity gets pushed indoors, which can limit interaction with other people.

For many men and women, winters are lonely and isolating, made worse by the fact that holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and Valentine’s Day all fall during this period.

It might be subconscious or conscious, but many people don’t like to be single during the winter and cuffing season is the time to lay the foundations to ensure a solid relationship when the weather gets cold and gloomy.

Testosterone

Testosterone is the chemical that drives a lot of relationship dynamics. In men, higher testosterone leads to greater sex drive. Women find men with higher testosterone in general more attractive.

Guess when men typically have higher testosterone? During the fall and winter. Testosterone levels in guys peak in October/November and remain elevated throughout winter.

So, that guy who is content playing video games and hanging out with his friends during the summer will likely see his T levels rise during the fall.

Guys might not know if cuffing season is real, but their hormones tell them it’s time to pursue a partner. And, when they do, the odds are good that, with the raised testosterone, the women in their life will see them as more attractive.

Sperm Count

If you have a birthday in August or September and it seems like you know a ton of people with birthdays in those months too, you’re onto an interesting fact relating to birth and conception: the  late fall/early winter months are the most common time for babies to be conceived.

While scientists aren’t sure exactly why this occurs, there is a theory that the summer heat lowers sperm counts. And, when the air starts to cool down, the counts rise, which means better chances for conceiving a viable baby.

Is cuffing season real? The evolutionary desire to pair up and mate when sperm counts are higher following summer could explain a lot.

Social Pressure

Have you seen the Christmas movie where the woman tries to date, but ends up horribly single on Christmas? How many Christmas cards feature the photo of a single guy in front of the fireplace (except maybe as a joke)? Those sleigh rides alone are a blast, aren’t they?

There is a lot of pressure to be “in a relationship” during the holidays. This can come from popular culture (e.g. romantic Christmas songs/movies), but also from family and friends. In addition, if you don’t have a “plus one,” it can even make doing a lot of holiday activities less festive or even difficult.

Because of this, a lot of people don’t want to be alone during the holidays. They shift their focus away from being single or dating around towards something a little more stable.

Even if they don’t really want to be tied down, they also might not want to be “that person” who goes stag to holiday parties or appears alone in holiday photos.

So, you can see how cuffing season is kind of real. But, don’t feel bad if you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend for fall. The person of your dreams can come to you at any time or season. And, you can commit when you’re ready, not simply jump into a bad relationship just because the leaves are changing colors.

Be sure to join more of the discussion on our Facebook page!

This isn’t going to be a long article, but it is a necessary one to write. In my experience as a dating coach, and also just interacting with people in general, I have to say that the biggest reason many men and women are dateless is that they are so boring and disengaging that it is almost unreal.

A client of mine literally had a conversation on a dating app that went like this:

Him: Hey! Your profile looks cool. Are you an artist? It looks like it from your photos.
Her: no
Him: Oh, so what do you do then?
Her: stylist
Him: I am in banking, but I always need a good stylist though!
Her: Oh
Him: Are you usually this boring or just that way on dating apps?
Her: WYM?

Seriously. What in the hell? Was there an actual human typing there or just a very poorly programmed bot?

And, I’m not just picking on women. If anything we guys are the worst. We think “hey beautiful” or “wyd?” counts as a good opener. Many guys also think that punctuation is optional, as is talking about anything except themselves.

Notice I haven’t even gotten to actual dates yet.

On dates, a lot of people are boring too. If I were to identify the biggest mistake people make while going on dates, it’s that they follow stereotypical dating advice and end up being horribly boring.

Does anybody wake up and say “Today I want to pay a lot of money to eat with a stranger and exchange information related to the boring details of our lives?”

No! But, that is essentially what most first dates are. It’s an information exchange over food that is about as interesting as the PowerPoint presentation your boss puts up at work meetings.

Maybe this all describes you. So, you may ask, then what is the secret to being non-boring, since I do want some positivity to come from this article?

Basically, it’s to generate emotion through engagement.

If you are generating emotion (even bad emotions, but I suggest focusing on good emotion) and engaging a person, you won’t be boring.

Being engaging means taking an interest in the person, expressing it sufficiently (use sentences for goodness sake), and encouraging follow-up questions and comments. For example, if they just texted you about their raise at work, being engaging means asking them how they got it. Or what they plan to do with the money. And, offering a congratulations in addition to this is engaging too (and likely to generate a positive emotion).

Replying only with “cool” is boring and encourages zero follow-up, as does opening with “hey.” Also, immediately mentioning you just got a raise and then changing the subject to your raise isn’t engaging either. It’s disengaging to steal someone’s thunder by making everything about you immediately.

Generating emotion is one of the biggest pieces of advice we give guys on a date, and can be done through good engagement.

Make your date feel something rather than simply exchanging information. Make them leave feeling excited, happy, and sexually excited, and you’ll get a first or second date, guaranteed. I have interacted with women where they didn’t know my real name, my real age, or what I did for a living (because I was jokingly coy about all three) and they STILL wanted to see me again. Why? It’s the same reason you will be hooked on a movie after the first 10 minutes. You feel something, and even with little information, and you want to know more. Imagine if a “movie” was just a PowerPoint laying out all the facts of the movie.

It’s beyond the scope of this article to tell you how to effectively generate emotion, but if your date is laughing, smiling, and feeling sexual tension, you’re doing a hell of a lot better than if they are frowning and not flirting.

One easy way to generate emotion even if you aren’t good at quality engagement is to plan a naturally emotionally charged date, like a concert, rock climbing, or running a 5k together. Those are far more likely to generate emotion than a dinner alone.

And, remember, people communicate a lot over text these days. You can be funny and engaging over text (and dating apps) too. In fact, people expect it.

So, for the love of God, stop. being. boring.