I spend some time on dating and relationship forums, and it seems like almost daily people are asking questions about chemistry. The two most common questions are related, so I want to address them here. They are “can chemistry develop?” and “should you feel chemistry by a certain time?” like on a first date (or second, etc)?
Usually it is women asking these questions, and I’ll explain why below. These questions are becoming more and more common as people use online dating and date into their 30s and 40s. As I have explained before, online dating is pretty unnatural, and it doesn’t do a great job of mimicking the process by which humans fall in love naturally.
In the past, people would connect based on chemistry. Chemistry had to be there from the beginning, because that’s what would spark the whole relationship process. When I met Brooke, my girlfriend during my senior year of high school, it began with chemistry. We flirted in the computer lab and I knew at that moment we would be dating soon. The chemistry was clear.
However, a lot of people meet online these days, and aren’t choosing potential dates based on a “spark” but based on people who seem logically compatible, “on paper”: they are stable, nice, have a decent job, a decent education, and would look very normal in Facebook couples photos. They also might share common interests. So, it seems like they should be a good date. They literally do nothing “wrong” on the first date, and are polite and intelligent.
And, as people date into their 30s and 40s and beyond, many people have been “burned” by past relationships with a lot of chemistry (but with very little emotional connection or shared values). So, they decide to “swing to the other extreme” and choose a person based mainly on whether the person would make a great friend, and ignore their desire for chemistry if it isn’t there.
In these cases, your friends would think he’s great. Your mom would think he’s great. You think you should think he’s great. But, there’s just no chemistry! You feel nothing. If anything, the thought of sex with him might even turn you off a little!
And, you become conflicted inside, because it’s like your brain is battling your heart and gut.
I never would have met Brooke based on this modern system. We didn’t really have much in common before we met, and it’s hard to tell if based on logical “on paper” metrics we would have even chosen each other. So, we both would have just gone on numerous boring dates and never have found each other.
Some people would say basing a relationship on chemistry is bad, but I disagree. Chemistry is the natural evolutionary determinant of a romantic connection. I am not suggesting going by chemistry alone (since you might ignore red flags), but chemistry must be the basis of a romantic relationship, which hopefully also has “on paper” compatibility.
I define “chemistry” as being sexually (or at least romantically and not platonically) attracted to the person. I know this is a very simple definition, but ultimately chemistry goes back to this. It isn’t logical, and probably largely subconscious. It expresses itself as sexual tension, flirting, and intimate body language. When it’s there, that person consumes your mind.
Men usually feel chemistry if a woman is attractive physically and is engaging enough (for many men, being attractive is enough). This is why many guys leave first dates confident they made a good impression, while women often are less sure. The guys were visually attracted, so what else is there to feel?
For women, attraction is more complicated. Looks are important, but so are things like confidence, humor, dominance, and a guy’s overall demeanor, personality, and sexual vibe. This is why it may seem to women like chemistry is something deeper than sexual attraction, but it boils down to whether the guy excites you. Unfortunately, many guys do not do this.
So can chemistry develop? Should you give it time to develop?
The answer is “maybe.” Sometimes it may be hard to assess someone’s attractiveness immediately. I have known women in particular who didn’t like a guy until he stood up for himself, got his life together, or showed her in some capacity that he was confident. It is possible that after a few dates someone could show a side of themselves that you never saw, a side that awakens some passion for that person.
On the other hand, people are pretty predictable. It’s not likely a boring guy on two dates is going to show up and be an exciting guy the third, or take your mind off of the guy you really want, like your boss or some ex you never stopped thinking about.
So, while chemistry may not develop on the first date, I personally wouldn’t give it too many dates. If you have to ask “will chemistry ever come?” then the answer is it won’t.
Taking the attitude that chemistry will hopefully come “at some point” is a recipe for disaster. The results are dead bedrooms, resentment from both partners, and ultimately emotional and physical cheating. I promise you that someone you do have chemistry with will eventually come along, whether it’s a co-worker, new friend, or whatever.
And, when that person comes along, it will awaken feelings in you that you really, really like. Feelings that you missed, and feelings that will leave you in a bind. If you act on those feelings, you’re betraying your partner. If you don’t act on them, you are reminded of just how romantically miserable your romantic partnership is.
If you don’t believe me, marriage researcher John Gottman found that passionate couples (even ones who fought regularly) were the only couples in his studies that still had a romantic marriage after 35 years! So, couples that lacked that passion were either divorced or basically “just friends” within later years of marriage.
The solution for a great relationship isn’t to go entirely based on chemistry or ignore it. Allow yourself to be single and date around for a while until you find someone who is both compatible “on paper” (i.e. common interests, emotional connection, stable, etc) and whom you feel chemistry for. It may mean sorting through a few more people or being single a little longer, but in the end it will make for the best relationship you can imagine.
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There is a lot written about “dating down” on the internet, probably because it’s pretty easy to tell when you’re dating beneath you. However, there isn’t as much on “dating up.” In fact, the whole concept is surrounded by an aura of impossibility.
It can mean dating someone older, with more education, greater stability, and in a higher class. But, don’t count out the person who has age, maturity, and money seeing dating up as being with someone younger, more carefree, and unconcerned with material possessions.
Fourth, believe in yourself. If you feel like you can’t compete with people who are out of your league, that attitude won’t get you anywhere. Even if you do date up, you’re going to feel self-conscious and inferior. Focus on your good qualities and why you deserve the best.
Thousands upon thousands of articles have been written about red flags and why not to date someone. However, I’ve discovered that constantly looking for red flags can actually be counterproductive.
I once went on a date with a woman who ordered drinks and left a whopping tip of ten cents. She definitely had the money to give more, but refused. To me that said a lot. And, sure enough, 
A friend of mine dated a guy who would never share how he was feeling. He said it wasn’t manly and just clammed up when she’d ask him. Of course, his feelings were obvious when he’d get agitated over something small and explode in rage every couple of months or so.
When I worked in retail one summer, I got to know an older employee who had worked at the company for nearly twenty years. She was sweet and kind.
“I don’t feel a lot of passion for him, but I like that he is stable and reliable.”
The most important sign you’re settling in an unhappy relationship? You’re just not happy with your partner. You try to be happy. You convince yourself that you’re happy. You post happy photos on social media…but you aren’t.
When I was single in my 20s, I would always think of the next big place I could go to meet women. Then I’d get there and it would never live up to what I thought it would be. My experience as a dating coach has led me to the same conclusion. There are no truly amazing places to meet people, at least if you define “places” as locations that create the perfect situation for you.
A lot of singles are looking into 
The problem is that most people are at the gym to work out and leave. And, since everyone usually has headphones in, it’s definitely a challenging place to meet others.
Bars and clubs are a real mixed bag. Bars suffer from a whole host of problems but also have a lot of opportunity. One main positive is that alcohol tends to loosen people up (in fact 
I have met quite a few people at concerts. They can often be fun, carefree events where everybody guaranteed has a common interest: the artist. And, you’re around a lot of people and often jam-packed next to them, so they have no choice but to be up close and personal.
I’ll go a little “mind blowing” for this last one. The best place to meet people is wherever you want. I say this assuming you’re socially aware, not creepy, and understand social context (in other words, no, I don’t mean walking into a wedding and asking out someone about to get married).
When many people think about “random approaches” they envision a witty opener followed by perfectly rehearsed dialog. While that can be a plus, more often than not it comes across as canned and awkward.
So, I often suggest things that seem obvious to me, like trying to meet the cute co-worker they’ve been eyeing for months. Or, making a deeper connection with the server or cashier they see a few times a week. Maybe even finally talking to that guy or gal they’ve had their eye on at the gym. I’ll even recommend starting a conversation with someone standing next to them in line.
es, you can flirt with a server, especially ones you see all the time. I’ve gotten contact information from multiple servers and cashiers. Some turned out to be great friends and a few turned into dates.
Imagine if you’re at the grocery store and you see a cute person wearing a T-shirt with your favorite band. You want to say something, and may even be fantasizing about a life spent with them. But, now think about actually approaching them.
We actually both started laughing. His exact response was “dude, you have to go up to some women and say that because that was the best feeling in the world! That was hilarious.” I’m sure we’ll even talk about it the next time we meet.
While that aspect was pretty lucky, that’s where “luck” ended and his mindset took over. Most guys would probably never have noticed the date was going badly. They would have been buried in their phones. Most guys would have considered approaching that woman to be “inappropriate” and maybe even told themselves “she just wants to be left alone in this moment” or “she doesn’t want some stranger bothering her at a time like that.” And, most guys, if they did approach, likely wouldn’t have had the guts to ask her out. So was this guy “lucky?”
Imagine a new world of dating where:
Also, the more you try it, the better you’ll become at meeting new people in the real world. And, you won’t be rejected. Trust me, going on a date with someone you met and asked out in the real world is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
When the results arrived, I was extremely disappointed. My top matches weren’t even close to the girls I liked in real life. Others complained as well, as their boyfriends and girlfriends weren’t on their top list. The only “couple” that did have a high match percentage was my brother and a girl who liked him (whom he ended up dating), but that’s because she got a hold of his answers and changed hers accordingly.
All of this seems like a good development, but the problem is that we are dealing with human love and attraction, not picking which computer to buy.
Dating profiles run the gamut from amazing to painful. The amazing ones are the people you’d like to date, while the painful ones can elicit a left swipe and hopefully a good laugh (unless, of course, you’re the one with a painfully bad profile). But, most of the profiles are in what could be called the “boring middle.”
I’ve done numerous personal experiments with online dating and I can tell you that most profiles look almost exactly alike. Sure, the photos and wording differ slightly, but people generally follow the same motifs. I’m sure you’ve noticed this too.
Most people are understanding of things like work, family, and travel commitments. But, if they get the impression that you have no room in your life for them, they aren’t going to favor you over the hundreds of other people on the app who actually express that they have the time and energy to commit to dating.