Category: Find Love in 2019

I believe there is a lot more to attraction than physical looks, especially when women are evaluating men for attractiveness (men do place a large emphasis on physical looks in person and online, but that’s not the full story). So, I want to make this article fairly practical and explain how women and men both can make some simple changes to take and include better photos for your online dating profile.

First though, I want to explain the purpose of photos. When men evaluate photos, we are mainly looking at facial attractiveness, bodily attractiveness, and signs of availability (i.e. would she be into me). Men evaluate women’s profiles almost entirely on looks, and then we will (maybe) read the profile if we are looking for something more long-term and high quality. However, the good news is that guys find 60% of women attractive online.

Women, however, tend to want more from photos of guys. Yes, they want an attractive guy, but they want guys to show their personalities through the photos, which is why most women I know complain when guys only post selfies. Women want photos of guys doing things, mainly to show what kinds of worlds these guys inhabit, and what world these women would inhabit if they were to date them. Women are trying to gauge if the guys have a good social life, and are confident, kind, and interesting.  Since guys are often bad at taking photos (and just as clueless as to what constitutes good photos), this may explain why women find 80% of guys unattractive online (see the previous link).

Ultimately for men and women both, your photos should show the real, but best version, of you – the fun, open, and exciting person who loves life and wants someone else to share in it. If you follow this principle you’ll avoid posting ridiculously serious selfies (like a lot of men) and showing up as some kind of god or goddess (a tendency of most women) that nobody could ever dream of connecting with.

These general tips should help you use photos that will give you an edge online.

For Men

The biggest thing men can do is to stop posting horrible photos (or at least stop posting only horrible photos). This includes avoiding mirror selfies, or even worse, mirror selfies where you look so serious that you look like a serial killer (I promise you that you don’t look like a superhero…you look like a killer).

Also, stop posting photos where you look like a total slob. And, a photo of you in jean shorts with an old T-shirt with the shoulders cut out is not a good look (i.e. you’re a slob).

Don’t rely only on selfies. In fact have a female friend help you take a few photos that aren’t only the product of your front-facing camera.

Instead, include photos that show your personality (and the best side of it!). If your photos convey that you’re a fun, confident, and successful guy, women will be far more likely to match with you, even if you’re not physically perfect.

Women love guys in suits, or at the very least dressed sharply. I suggest having a “business” head shot of some kind. This shows confidence and leadership, traits women love.

Also, it’s a good idea to post photos of you doing fun and interesting things. Did you run a marathon? Post a photo from that. Do you play guitar with a band? Post a photo of that. Did you travel to a cool place? Post a photo of that.

I like including at least one photo with a pet (of you with a pet; not just the pet alone). This shows you like animals, and many women place a high value on that.

If you don’t have any photos that fit these categories, then go out and get some. If you don’t do anything fun, exciting, or that would add value to a woman’s life if she knew you, then you need to focus on that.

Also make sure the photos are high quality, i.e. in focus, cropped properly, and even slightly enhanced if necessary. Women love a guy’s eyes, and if you can highlight your eyes, that’s always a great look. Here’s a tutorial on how to make them “pop” in Photoshop. Some apps like Facetune can do this (and other tricks) on your phone (although it does cost a few dollars). Just go easy on this, because women are masters of using Facetune and will see through it if it’s overdone.

For Women

Most women I know do a pretty good job with photos. You all know what we guys are looking for, which is why most female profiles have photos that make you look the best in terms of physical attractiveness. However, I’m going to give you a tip that will help you match with quality guys.

Many guys can be intimidated by your “perfect” photos. Many women’s profile photos these days are not only perfect photos physically (for example, they may choose the absolute best photo of 50 taken that day, but also Facetune the hell out of that), but they also show them doing all kinds of amazing things. This can be intimidating, especially to guys without supreme confidence, because they don’t think they have a chance.

Guess which guys often have extreme confidence? Yep. Players!

If you come across as almost inhuman, then it’s no surprise that players will flock to you because they too will gladly view you as inhuman.

So, it’s important to show your humanity, at least if you want a caring and kind guy. This involves showing your emotional availability. While a lot of women show their sexual availability through their photos (cleavage shots, bikini photos, etc – and while that may not be your intention, that is what guys are picking up, trust me), they aren’t showing a lot of emotional availability.

So, show yourself looking ordinary and being ordinary. Come across as less of a supermodel or Instagram influencer, and more of a person a guy would see shopping at a grocery store. Even if you aren’t classically physically attractive, many guys will love it if you seem normal and human. In fact many guys would rather not engage someone who only presents as physically perfect.

Also, avoid photos that aren’t of you. What’s up with inspirational sayings as photos? Or photos of just your pets? When guys see this they will assume you must look awful. Only the most creepy of guys will engage these profiles.

So, switch up those photos and you’ll find that your online dating prospects might start getting better right away!

A friend of mine recently showed me his interaction with several women on Bumble that went nowhere. He asked what he did wrong and wanted help reviving the convsersations. The reality was that he was funny, engaging, and showed genuine curiosity. But, I’d summarize the conversation of his matches as “boring, bordering on rude.”

One girl, for example, simply typed “terrible response” to a comment he made. Another gave him one word replies to his questions, but then never asked any questions herself. A third one started making plans with him. Then, when those plans were almost settled, she immediately ghosted him.

Can you imagine this behavior in real life? You go out with friends, meet someone new, and make conversation. Then that person says, “terrible response.” Or, you make plans with someone and then that person walks away with no explanation. Or, what about a dinner conversation with one word answers and no follow up questions?

When it comes to bad behavior online, you’ve probably seen it all, even outside of dating apps. People who are shy at work can be vicious trolls online. Someone who never brings up politics to friends will argue his or her candidate’s position to the death on social media. A guy who’d never whip out his junk in public thinks it’s OK to send unsolicited dick pics.

There is often a divide between the real person and the online persona. Sometimes this divide is small while other times it’s the size of the grand canyon. The bigger the divide, the more difficult dating will be, whether you’re matching with people who are radically inauthentic or you’re trying to be someone completely different online.

The online dating experience allows and even encourages in authenticity for a few reasons.

First, the system itself is very shallow. I don’t have a problem with focusing on physical appearance. I think it’s an essential part of attraction. But, the very nature of online dating turns you into a photo, a bio, and a few questions. That’s shallow in the sense of only scratching the surface of who you really are.

Second, with so many people trying to be fake online (more than half of users lie), there’s a lot of pressure for you to be fake too. If a guy who is 6’2” is adding two inches of height to be more impressive, imagine how the guy who is 5’4” feels. The same goes for a woman who might shave off a few years or a few pounds because to not do so would put her at a competitive disadvantage against other women who are using dishonest techniques.

Finally, people simply behave differently behind a screen. It might not even be malicious like a mild-mannered accountant turning into a horrible, angry troll online. Even someone who is fun, friendly, and witty in person could appear boring, judgmental, and cold when messaging via an online platform.

You might think my solution to this problem is just to “be yourself.” However, as I’ve stated countless times in the past, many people take the advice of “be yourself” as an excuse to showcase all of their worst, or at least less than attractive, qualities. This is what leads to the kind of bad behavior I’ve referenced above (e.g. junk pics). But, it could also mean simply presenting yourself in an unappealing way on dating apps.

The solution is to “be your best self” online. So, when you’re at your best, you highlight the most ideal, commendable parts of your personality, while also showing vulnerability. So, you can accept that you’re not perfect while also putting your best foot forward (like in a job interview).

You’re not emphasizing your most undesirable traits, but you’re not pretending to be something you’re not either. This eliminates the oversharing that comes with unattractive profiles and conversations, but also the fakeness of people trying to clearly project a false image.

In addition, whatever represents the “core” you is reflected online, not only in your dating profile, but also all of your interactions. Just because you’re behind a keyboard, you don’t turn into a nasty troll, an idealized princess, or a boring jerk (unless you really are all of those things).

And, of course, the other side of the coin is true too: don’t be your worst self. That seems to be what happens during Twitter fights, trolling, online debates, and anything else that occurs when people hide behind the semi-anonymity that the internet allows. To take my first example, if you wouldn’t say “terrible response” to someone’s face, then don’t say it online.

Usually this means narrowing (or eliminating) the gap between who you are in the real world and your online persona. And, remember, this isn’t necessarily about the bad things you do online. It also can include texting in a boring way or carrying on a conversation, then ghosting.

In the end, narrowing this gap and being your best self will not only make you more authentic, but it will connect you to the people that you truly want to meet. It will also make your dates be more meaningful and better.

After all, if you both show up looking and acting like the real deal from your online interactions, you’re already that much closer to a great relationship–with none of the manipulation and nonsense that can happen with online dating.

Please join us over at our Facebook page in our quest to find love in 2019!

Over the last few months, I’ve been trying to expand my social circle. I had changed jobs and moved, and was looking for some new friends (not that I had an issue with my old ones; I still have them and love them!).

So, I was somewhat purposeful, and was more friendly in my regular places I hangout (including places where I regularly play trivia).

A few weeks ago I was thinking that I didn’t really have a lot of new people in my life. Then, I decided to look a little harder.

And, I “saw” what was right in front of me. My number of Facebook friends has gone up by about 100 in the last few months, and it was all the people I had met in real life.

I have played darts, played pool, and played trivia with a lot of cool people I have met over the last few months. I went from being on a trivia team of a few established friends, to now having up to six new people who join me.

I walk into some places and get hugs from five different people. People buy me food and drinks. They tell me about their musical interests, hobbies, and their lives. And, I do the same with them.

I have people that I can (and do) call when I need something to do, and who come to my events and gatherings.

I told myself I hadn’t really met a lot of new people, yet there were plenty of new friends right in front of my eyes. But, for some reason in my head, they didn’t “count.” I guess it happened so organically and gradually that they were outside my awareness.

This is a common dating mistake as well: missing what’s right in front of us.

I hear things like “oh he’s great…but he’s a co-worker.” Or, “she’s perfect for me…but she’s a server so she ‘has to be nice to me.’”

Or maybe you’ve felt something for someone for a long time, but you’ve labelled him or her as something that excludes romance, and you believe and reinforce the label. For example, you could see yourself marrying him instead of the 50 duds you dated from Tinder, but he’s “like a brother to you” so you dismiss him. Those duds on tinder? They’re “romantic options” (even though they ultimately aren’t, but you apply the label).

Maybe she doesn’t have a college education so you dismissed dating her, but she’s the kindest, nicest, and smartest person you know, and leagues ahead of the college educated but awful people you’ve gone on dates with over the last few months.

It could even be the people you pass every day on the street, or sit by on the subway. You have personal “rules” that exclude engaging them or even smiling at them or flirting. I have even seen people ignore smiling, happy people sitting near them to angrily swipe left on people on Tinder! Talk about ignoring what’s right before your eyes!

As the Gorillaz sing in their song “Clint Eastwood,” you don’t see with your eyes; you see with your mind.

So, “seeing” what’s in front of you doesn’t mean somehow improving your vision or even paying attention more to what you see (but that is part of it). It means doing some self-reflection on how your thoughts and actions are shaping how you approach dating (and the people you may possibly date).

It means questioning your rules, assumptions, and narratives about happiness and dating. It means asking who/what you’re paying attention to and who/what you’re ignoring.

For example, have you gone to the same club every weekend and met nobody, but refuse to even look up at anybody at the gym where you see loads of hot people because “you can’t bother people at the gym?”

Did you keep walking when two girls smiled at you just to go back to your apartment to browse Tinder where you know you never get a match?

Or, what about the narrative that you have to be in a relationship to be happy when the evidence may be clear that every relationship you’ve been in has made you miserable? Maybe being single for a while and seeing your friends more often is what you really want.

Or what about the narrative that your potential partner has to… (be over 6’0″, look like a model, be younger, be older, have a degree, etc), when you might have dated ten people like that and felt no connection for them?

While I’m not saying it’s necessarily always the case that the right person may be metaphorically under your nose, for many people, it might be true. How can you see something differently that may show you happiness is right within your grasp?

Please join us over at our Facebook page in our quest to find love in 2019!

A guy I used to work with recently broke up with his girlfriend. He spends most of his days practically in tears. He can’t stop thinking about her and can’t hide the sadness. He constantly stalks her social media and sends her numerous text messages (to which she never replies). Setting healthy boundaries with an ex clearly isn’t his strong suit!

Another friend of mine has been divorced from her ex-husband for four years. She hates him and constantly complains about him. She always checks his social media to find reasons why he’s a jerk. When she drops off her child to visit him (he’s the dad), she’ll fight with him for no reason. Oh, did I mention that she has been re-married for a year?

These individuals seem very different on the surface. One is clearly sad and pining for an ex to return. The other is angry and has “moved on” with another person.

But, if you scratch the surface, you’ll see how similar they are: they’re still stuck on an ex. If you’re desperately pining for another person, you’re stuck. If you constantly talk about another person, even to express your hatred, you’re stuck.

In short, if you have strong feelings for an ex that frequently bubble to the surface (or explode), then, whether you like it or not, you’re still stuck on that person in some way. If your ex causes an emotionally neutral or mild reaction when you think of him or her, then, you can safely say that you’ve moved on.

Don’t fear, though! Even if you are stuck, you’re not doomed to be an emotional mess or never move on. But, to truly move forward and be happy, you’ll have to work on setting healthy boundaries with an ex.

Emotional Boundaries

You can’t help your emotions. You feel what you feel. But, you certainly can control what you do with your emotions. Many people feel an emotion and run with it so they end up feeling it more intensely, for longer, and more often.

According to the research of Candace Pert and others, it’s possible to be addicted to emotions, even the negative ones. So, in a strange way, you might derive some pleasure from the sadness, anger, and jealousy that you experience related to your ex.

You can help stop this negative emotional feedback loop by setting emotional boundaries. Again, you can’t stop yourself from feeling an emotion. But, you can find ways to manage what you feel and not prolong the pain.

A similar concept in Buddhism is the concept of the first and second dart. It relates to the pain of getting shot with an arrow. You can’t help the pain of the initial emotional pain (the first dart) because it’s automatic. But, you can help the situation greatly by not inflicting more emotional pain on yourself (the second dart).

For example, if you think of your ex-boyfriend and feel anger, you might normally run with the feeling, look at a photo on social media of him, and start going down the “rabbit hole” of looking at his Instagram photos and that of his current girlfriend. Ten minutes later, you’re just much more angry. A better option would be if you feel anger to go to YouTube and watch a funny video. Or, you could go for a walk. The key is to not inflict greater pain.

Setting emotional boundaries also means not letting your ex “play” you emotionally. For example, you don’t respond when he texts you every few weeks because he needs something. Or, you don’t take his calls when he wants to argue with you or emotionally unload. You protect yourself from his efforts to emotionally manipulate you.

Physical Boundaries

Many people maintain on and off again physical relationships with an ex. They might officially break up, but then meetup for sex or cuddles on occasion. This is a very bad idea if you truly want to set healthy boundaries with an ex.

Cuddling and sex cause the release of oxytocin in the brain, which is the chemical that bonds two people together. It even bonds mother and child. So, when you fool around physically with an ex you still love, your brain goes back to what it knows: bonding. All that work you did to keep emotionally separate from your ex goes out the window.

Even if you’re craving attention and touch, it’s not a good idea to go the easy route and hook up with an ex, especially if you both have different expectations for the experience.

In other words, if you think sex will bring you both back together, but he just sees it as a booty call, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Your brain will bond you more strongly to him, but he will just use you and be done.

If you’re feeling lonely or needing some kind of touch, hang out with friends or go get a massage. If you want a hookup desperately, it would be less emotionally scarring to just get on a dating app and see what happens.

Social Media Boundaries

Social media is one of the biggest stumbling blocks to setting healthy boundaries with an ex. It has forever changed the reality of getting over someone you loved or even still love. Why? Because you have constant access into the other person’s life.

And, to make matters worse, social media is often a giant lie. So, your ex might be crushed emotionally and barely functioning due to breakup pain. But, he can make his social media look like he’s living the dream. So, you look at his fake happiness and it makes you miserable…for real!

I’ve noticed with my coaching clients that social media is one of the biggest stumbling blocks to moving on after a relationship. It’s so easy to constantly check up on an ex, which brings back old feelings and creates new, often unhelpful ones.

You might need to block or unfriend an ex for your own sanity. If that isn’t practical or needed, then, at the very least, don’t stalk your ex’s social media. It only creates additional misery, as you’re probably well aware.

It might not be a bad idea just to get off of your phone for a while throughout the day too. Having instant access to your ex’s information can be very tempting. Instead, go for a hike, do yoga, workout, or walk your dog. It’s healthier anyway!

Setting these boundaries with your ex should help you truly move on. However, the biggest factor in moving on is often time. It heals a lot of the pain. The more the breakup recedes into the past and you move on with your life, the easier it will become.

This article is a part of our monthly discussion on getting over an ex. Check out our Facebook page to see more about this topic and many others that will help you find and keep love!

The other day a friend of mine and I were out having dinner and we started talking to a group of women at the table next to us. He was really connecting with one of the women when she excused herself to go to the bathroom. It was clear that they liked each other.

While she was gone, her sister looked him straight in the eye and told him to “back off” from talking to her sister. Stunned at the rudeness, we turned around and started talking to ourselves. It wasn’t worth our time to deal with such a bad attitude from even one member of the group.

It turns out that the rude sister was having marriage troubles with her cheating, drug abusing husband. Rather than wanting her sister to possibly be happy with my friend (a good looking, successful, stand up guy), she chose to be petty. I can’t say what her motivations were exactly, but they weren’t noble.

I’ve seen this scenario so many times in my life when working with dating and relationship coaching clients: they are happy with someone, but friends, family, and others unnecessarily try to limit their relationship happiness through peer pressure and outright hostility.

A lot of this comes from a “crabs in a bucket” mentality. If you put crabs in a bucket, the other crabs will stop an individual’s effort at freedom, making sure all of them die. The crabs don’t do it to be “mean,” they just grab on anything to try to escape.

In human behavior, this refers to how less successful members of a group will try to bring down others who want to achieve greater success. It can also be called “misery loves company.” It explains why single friends and those in unhappy relationships might not really want you finding Mr. or Ms. Right.

But, it’s not just “crabs in a bucket” that causes people to disapprove of others finding love. It could be related to personal issues, prejudices, expectations, and cultural demands. So, an Asian woman might love a white guy who teaches history, but her mother insists that she date the wealthy Asian doctor even though the daughter feels nothing for him.

The biggest problem with these limiting relationships is that the person stopping you from finding love has good intentions or pretends to in order to advance their agenda. Above all, they have your trust and, in many cases, you want to please them. So, you might find it hard to ignore them or stand up to them.

Also, the efforts at limiting your love life can often be subtle or occur behind the scenes. So, you might not even know you’re being sabotaged.

I seriously doubt the woman from my opening story told her sister the absolute truth about why my friend went from friendly to ignoring her in the span of a bathroom break. The clueless sister might still think my friend was the rude and obnoxious one, not her own conniving flesh and blood!

If your friend is consistently single and you hang out with her often, what happens if you get into a relationship?

If your sister vents to you about her terrible husband and you suddenly have a great relationship, how would that make her feel?

If your snobby mom who wants you to marry a lawyer had to tell her friends at a cocktail party about your mechanic boyfriend, could she do it?

If you date a younger guy, how many of your friends with old-looking and old-acting guys are going to encourage you? More likely, they will laugh at you and tell you he’s a “boy toy,” even he may be more accomplished and mature than their partners.

Look at the facts and motivations of family members and friends behind the strong opinions and subtle hints about the man or woman you want to date. You might find it’s not all “good intentions” after all.

We’ve been looking at obstacles that might get in the way of finding love, touching on more obvious things like mindset and body language. But, family and friends can harm your efforts too and because you trust them, you’ll never see it coming.

Obviously family and friends are important and many times they can be counted on for good advice and help. But, be on the lookout for when it isn’t.

You have to live your life for you. Your controlling mom or overprotective father or unhappily married best friend won’t have to live with the results of perpetual loneliness or getting into a relationship with the wrong person.

Ultimately, if you want to find your soulmate, you have to be with the person you love and choose, not the one who meets the approval of every friend, co-worker, and fifth cousin thrice removed.

Take charge of your dating life this year and tell limiting friends, family, co-workers and others that you’re making your own choices. Not only will you be happier, but it will reveal your true supporters and those who truly love you. The ones just wanting control aren’t going to stick around.

Also, we would love it if you could come over to discuss this, and other issues related to finding love in 2019, on our Double Trust Dating Facebook Page!