Double Trust Dating

Author: David Bennett

Mindset Is The Key To Meeting People In Real Life

Most single people I know are fatigued from online dating. The online dating situation is increasingly bad because of crappy algorithms and the general unnatural nature of online dating. Yet, when I suggest getting off apps and meeting people in real life is the way to go, they start explaining the “obvious” reasons why they have no way to meet people in real life. They generally have no real-life social networks, very few extended friend groups, and don’t have a lot of single colleagues at work. Yes, I’ll grant these are common realities and not excuses.

So, I often suggest things that seem obvious to me, like trying to meet the cute co-worker they’ve been eyeing for months. Or, making a deeper connection with the server or cashier they see a few times a week. Maybe even finally talking to that guy or gal they’ve had their eye on at the gym. I’ll even recommend starting a conversation with someone standing next to them in line.

Typically that’s when the excuses come out. You can’t ask servers out…they are working! You can’t talk to someone at the gym…they are there to work out! You can’t date someone at work, that would get awkward if you break up later! You can’t talk to someone in line….that’s just weird and creepy! And, so on…

I’m well aware that there are many challenges to meeting people in those circumstances, but most people just stay in their limiting mindsets and end up taking the view that “I hate online dating but meeting people in the real world is too challenging or scary so let me get back to the arduous task of online dating which I hate more than just about anything.”

So, I want you to move from a limiting mindset to a more abundant mindset, where you take charge of your reality. These suggestions may seem bold, but that’s a good thing, because if you’re single or haven’t met someone you deserve, then boldness is what you need!

The first mindset principle is:

Meet whom you want to meet

I’m going to assume for the purposes of this post that you aren’t creepy, aren’t a criminal, aren’t going to harass someone, and will take “no” for an answer. If I’m assuming wrongly, then you need to work on those issues before reading the next few paragraphs.

What I’m saying here is that if you see someone that interests you, talk to them. I have clients who have created a world where nobody is approachable. They are around attractive and nice people all the time, but won’t talk to them. There’s no wall or fence, except created by their mind.

Yes, you can flirt with a server, especially ones you see all the time. I’ve gotten contact information from multiple servers and cashiers. Some turned out to be great friends and a few turned into dates.

Yes you can talk to people at the gym. While some of us are mainly focused on working out, most of us also are more than happy to make a little chitchat with a cool person. If you see them outside the gym definitely go up and talk about the gym (this has happened to me many times).

Yes (unless workplace ethics or policy stop you) you can attempt to date a co-worker. It’s very common, and if you break up, it may be awkward, but that’s better than being lonely and depressed.

Yes you can talk to that person sitting next to you at the bar or the cute guy reading your favorite book at Starbucks. Just say “hi” and smile if you can’t think of anything remotely clever.

And yes, this means that with this mindset you aren’t limited only to the people on dating apps! Feel free to literally jump for joy right now that your mind has expanded beyond that.

You may be thinking “yesssss!” But then that limiting mindset comes back…”but won’t people think I’m weird??” This brings me to principle number 2:

Meeting people in the real world is fun and normal

Many people consider meeting others in the real world to be difficult and weird.

It can seem overwhelming, like you’re violating a huge social norm. The effort seems high too: you have to introduce yourself, have a conversation, and then “shoot your shot” by asking for contact information. I’ve worked with guys who made millions in risky investments and have been skydiving multiple times, but who practically fainted at the thought of talking to a stranger.

Imagine if you’re at the grocery store and you see a cute person wearing a T-shirt with your favorite band. You want to say something, and may even be fantasizing about a life spent with them. But, now think about actually approaching them.

If your first thought is fear, that’s pretty normal. However, if you also think “that’s ridiculous! Nobody meets people at the grocery store!” then you have a limiting mindset.

Ask yourself this: what’s really so weird about complimenting a cute person on a shirt that indicates you’d have something in common with them? Let’s say you go up to the guy and say something. He smiles and you talk. You ask for his number. He politely declines because he has a girlfriend. You both go on your way.

Ohhhhhh the horror! Ohhhhh the weirdness. Oh wait….

There is literally nothing weird about any of that.

In fact, at the end of the interaction you can be proud you not only had the guts to talk to someone you wanted to talk to, but you got a chance to talk to someone with a common interest. And, it probably flattered him, and your grocery trip was far more interesting than other days (you’ll be telling your friends about it!).

Here’s what is weird: not talking to that cute guy, and instead fantasizing about what could have happened for hours. Then, you get on OK Cupid, hoping you see him on there. When you don’t, you instead sort through 20 guys you don’t like at all and feel dejected and frustrated all night.

If you still don’t believe me, this fascinating study showed that people who talk to strangers are happier than those that don’t. And, get this: people who were talked to by strangers were also happier. People only resist doing it because they assume others won’t like the interaction, even though others do!

This brings me to abundant mindset principle number 3:

Rejection isn’t the end of the world and can be fun

A few days ago my friend approached a group of women who were walking, and said “I just had to say that you all are adorable!” They all froze and gave a “deer in the headlights” look. He tried to save the conversation, but it was over. The awkwardness was obvious. That approach had worked about an hour earlier for him, but this time it didn’t.

So, he left the interaction sad, with his head down, and vowed never to approach again…

No!

We actually both started laughing. His exact response was “dude, you have to go up to some women and say that because that was the best feeling in the world! That was hilarious.” I’m sure we’ll even talk about it the next time we meet.

Indeed, in the game of life, rejections make the best stories. You’ll talk about the rejections, and laugh at them, years after you’ll be talking about the successes.

If that’s too much to believe, then make it a game, since games are fun. Go out with your single friends and see who can get rejected the most: the winner buys the drinks. What most people who play this “game” find is that you hardly get rejected at all. When your goal is to get rejected, you suddenly realize rejection isn’t a big thing, which increases your confidence, ironically making you less likely to get rejected in the first place.

I hope the previous principles have expanded your mindset, and this one does too:

The “luckiest” people I know are always meeting people

I was reading a story a few weeks ago about a woman who was on a bad tinder date. A guy a few tables away saw the interaction and approached the woman after the date. He said “it looked like you weren’t enjoying that date. If you’re free, we should go out soon and I can show you a great date.” She was so impressed she agreed.

Someone in the comments section mentioned how “lucky” that guy was to be there when a woman was having a bad tinder date.

While that aspect was pretty lucky, that’s where “luck” ended and his mindset took over. Most guys would probably never have noticed the date was going badly. They would have been buried in their phones. Most guys would have considered approaching that woman to be “inappropriate” and maybe even told themselves “she just wants to be left alone in this moment” or “she doesn’t want some stranger bothering her at a time like that.” And, most guys, if they did approach, likely wouldn’t have had the guts to ask her out. So was this guy “lucky?”

No. He had the right mindset. The woman had the right mindset too. She easily could have just wallowed in her frustration with the Tinder date, and in the moment of angst, told the guy “no” even when she wanted to say “yes.”

In the past whenever I saw a couple I was jealous of, I would say “that guy lucked into that relationship!” My 20-something jealousy was obvious.

Lucky? Yeah, lucky enough to have seen a woman sitting alone and talked to her. Lucky to have approached the new person at work right away while other co-workers were figuring out how many days would be “appropriate” before approaching. Lucky to have asked the cute guy at the gym how to use a machine, even though she knew how to work it all along. Lucky enough to have kept her phone in her purse when she was out in public, so she could talk to people. Lucky to have meandered out to the dance floor even though he wasn’t a perfect dancer, while his friends stayed at the corner of the bar afraid.

See what I mean?

So you “can’t meet people in real life” and “have to use dating apps?”

It may just be all in your head.

June 11, 2019
Can’t Find Love Online? It’s Not You; It’s The Algorithms

When I was in 8th grade, my school thought it would be a great idea for us students to fill out a questionnaire and run all of them through computer matchmaking software, and then give us a sheet of compatible people. This was in the era of floppy disks, but nonetheless, I had a strange amount of faith that a computer would succeed in finding me the right person, since my awkward teenage self wasn’t very good at doing it.

When the results arrived, I was extremely disappointed. My top matches weren’t even close to the girls I liked in real life. Others complained as well, as their boyfriends and girlfriends weren’t on their top list. The only “couple” that did have a high match percentage was my brother and a girl who liked him (whom he ended up dating), but that’s because she got a hold of his answers and changed hers accordingly.

It sounds absurd that anyone would base love on a software program’s suggestions, but that’s exactly what we are doing when we hand over control of our dating lives to dating apps

In the early days of dating apps, you pretty much saw everybody and could message everybody. Then women started realizing something. Online dating is a lot like being a single woman at a club full of drunk and horny men. There are a lot of guys competing for their attention. So, women would get inundated with messages from all kinds of guys…married guys, much younger guys, much older guys, creeper guys, ugly guys, guys from all over the world, scammer guys, and every other type of guy imaginable.

So, dating apps started to restrict men’s access to women accordingly. They not only gave women more choice in their filters, but they also made it so many guys wouldn’t even be seen unless they fell into a narrow band of what women claimed they were looking for in a guy.

Swipe apps were perfect for this, because a guy couldn’t just shoot a random message to a woman unless she matched with him first.

But then even swipe apps started getting crazy. Women were literally matching with every guy that came up because guys were pretty much liking every woman. Women were sick of sorting through so many perceived duds, they wanted to not even see most guys. So, swipe apps started developing algorithms so that most guys just became invisible.

All of this seems like a good development, but the problem is that we are dealing with human love and attraction, not picking which computer to buy.

Love is far messier and more complicated.

For one, machine learning sucks at matching people at least if the criteria is real-world attraction and connection. I believe part of this is because humans in general suck at knowing what we really like from people.

Things like smell, presence, charm, kindness, and even a person’s immunity level all go into real world attraction and connection. These are more important than the things we logically say matter (or that dating apps tell us matter), like common interests, political views, and even a person’s exact age, height, or weight. Attraction is more of a gut feeling than a combination of logical check-boxes.

Dating apps can’t measure for these things.

An algorithm simply can’t “get” chemistry, at least not yet. It can’t find you that unexpected person who takes your breath away for reasons you aren’t sure of. And, this is assuming dating app algorithms are even designed to get you into a relationship. I mean, a billion dollar company like Match Group (which owns Tinder, Hinge, OK Cupid, and Match) certainly has our best interests in mind, right?

I often joke that a lot of people wouldn’t even see some of their biggest crushes on dating apps. Your boss you can’t stop thinking about at work? You didn’t know he was in his 30s instead of his 20s because he looks young for his age, did you? He’s out.

The guy you see on the subway every day who smells amazing? He lives 25 miles away and is actually 5’8″ and not 5’10” so he’s out of your range on both filters.

Even if you did have your filters set as openly as possible, dating algorithms tend to show you a narrow subset of people, and heavily restrict the guys you see, so you probably wouldn’t see either of them on a dating app anyway, unless you swiped for hours.

An app was recently released that showed how limiting dating app algorithms can be. The more you swipe, the more the app limits the types of people you’ll see. By the end, you are only seeing a narrow band of people (or monsters in the case of the app mentioned above).

So, you may not be seeing the very people you would connect with in real life, but are instead seeing a very narrowly defined group of people you think you’ll connect with. This may be why the success statistics related to relationships derived from online dating aren’t very encouraging.

Imagine if real life worked this way. The people you have come to fall for over time, or whom you fell for that initially weren’t your “type,” wouldn’t exist in your awareness.

If there should be a dating theme for 2019, it should be “break free from the algorithms.”

Guys need to break free because they simply aren’t being seen. They are invisible to most women, and have no way to project what matters online to be seen: their personalities, presence, etc.

If you don’t believe me, keep in mind that despite the rise of online dating’s popularity, the number of guys who are involuntarily single has skyrocketed, and includes 1 in 3 men under 30 who haven’t had sex in the last year. In fact I recently wrote an article suggesting men should simply go “offline” and meet women in person because that’s their only real hope these days to stand out.

Women need to break free because they aren’t leading to the quality relationships that most women want. Relationships that began online are 28% more likely to break down in the first year, and marriages from online dating are three times more likely to end in divorce (see this).

There is also the issue that algorithms enable men to be players. There is evidence that most women are liking the same subset of guys. For example on the Hinge app 1% of guys received 16% of all female likes. The top ten percent of men got over 50% of female likes! This means that a small subset of guys (the ones women are all liking) have a constant stream of women liking them.

This explains the flaking, ghosting, and rejections of exclusivity many women complain about, because many of the guys the algorithm is showing you are getting a constant cycle of women matching with them. These guys have no incentive to ever settle down, or if they do, it will be with the absolute, most perfect woman of the bunch.

So, for men and women both, breaking free from the algorithm means: talking to people you meet in real life, approaching people, taking out your headphones, showing openness, smiling, flirting, being present in the moment instead of being buried in your phone, stop playing “hard to get,” etc. Basically, it means going back to the way people made chemistry-filled connections in the past: in the real world, where the only limiting algorithm is you.

May 29, 2019
How To Improve Your Online Dating Profile Photos For Men and Women

I believe there is a lot more to attraction than physical looks, especially when women are evaluating men for attractiveness (men do place a large emphasis on physical looks in person and online, but that’s not the full story). So, I want to make this article fairly practical and explain how women and men both can make some simple changes to take and include better photos for your online dating profile.

First though, I want to explain the purpose of photos. When men evaluate photos, we are mainly looking at facial attractiveness, bodily attractiveness, and signs of availability (i.e. would she be into me). Men evaluate women’s profiles almost entirely on looks, and then we will (maybe) read the profile if we are looking for something more long-term and high quality. However, the good news is that guys find 60% of women attractive online.

Women, however, tend to want more from photos of guys. Yes, they want an attractive guy, but they want guys to show their personalities through the photos, which is why most women I know complain when guys only post selfies. Women want photos of guys doing things, mainly to show what kinds of worlds these guys inhabit, and what world these women would inhabit if they were to date them. Women are trying to gauge if the guys have a good social life, and are confident, kind, and interesting. Since guys are often bad at taking photos (and just as clueless as to what constitutes good photos), this may explain why women find 80% of guys unattractive online (see the previous link).

Ultimately for men and women both, your photos should show the real, but best version, of you – the fun, open, and exciting person who loves life and wants someone else to share in it. If you follow this principle you’ll avoid posting ridiculously serious selfies (like a lot of men) and showing up as some kind of god or goddess (a tendency of most women) that nobody could ever dream of connecting with.

These general tips should help you use photos that will give you an edge online.

For Men

Not a bad looking guy, but this photo looks more “I’m staring into your soul” than mysterious. At least it’s professional looking.

The biggest thing men can do is to stop posting horrible photos (or at least stop posting only horrible photos). This includes avoiding mirror selfies, or even worse, mirror selfies where you look so serious that you look like a serial killer (I promise you that you don’t look like a superhero…you look like a killer).

Also, stop posting photos where you look like a total slob. And, a photo of you in jean shorts with an old T-shirt with the shoulders cut out is not a good look (i.e. you’re a slob).

Don’t rely only on selfies. In fact have a female friend help you take a few photos that aren’t only the product of your front-facing camera.

Instead, include photos that show your personality (and the best side of it!). If your photos convey that you’re a fun, confident, and successful guy, women will be far more likely to match with you, even if you’re not physically perfect.

Women love guys in suits, or at the very least dressed sharply. I suggest having a “business” head shot of some kind. This shows confidence and leadership, traits women love.

A great photo…good angle, in a suit, and the face is likely tuned a little.

Also, it’s a good idea to post photos of you doing fun and interesting things. Did you run a marathon? Post a photo from that. Do you play guitar with a band? Post a photo of that. Did you travel to a cool place? Post a photo of that.

I like including at least one photo with a pet (of you with a pet; not just the pet alone). This shows you like animals, and many women place a high value on that.

If you don’t have any photos that fit these categories, then go out and get some. If you don’t do anything fun, exciting, or that would add value to a woman’s life if she knew you, then you need to focus on that.

Also make sure the photos are high quality, i.e. in focus, cropped properly, and even slightly enhanced if necessary. Women love a guy’s eyes, and if you can highlight your eyes, that’s always a great look. Here’s a tutorial on how to make them “pop” in Photoshop. Some apps like Facetune can do this (and other tricks) on your phone (although it does cost a few dollars). Just go easy on this, because women are masters of using Facetune and will see through it if it’s overdone.

For Women

Having only photos like these (highly posed, stylized, showing traveling, etc) might be off-putting and intimidating.

Most women I know do a pretty good job with photos. You all know what we guys are looking for, which is why most female profiles have photos that make you look the best in terms of physical attractiveness. However, I’m going to give you a tip that will help you match with quality guys.

Many guys can be intimidated by your “perfect” photos. Many women’s profile photos these days are not only perfect photos physically (for example, they may choose the absolute best photo of 50 taken that day, but also Facetune the hell out of that), but they also show them doing all kinds of amazing things. This can be intimidating, especially to guys without supreme confidence, because they don’t think they have a chance.

Guess which guys often have extreme confidence? Yep. Players!

If you come across as almost inhuman, then it’s no surprise that players will flock to you because they too will gladly view you as inhuman.

Cute, ordinary, smiling, not heavily stylized. This is a great photo

So, it’s important to show your humanity, at least if you want a caring and kind guy. This involves showing your emotional availability. While a lot of women show their sexual availability through their photos (cleavage shots, bikini photos, etc – and while that may not be your intention, that is what guys are picking up, trust me), they aren’t showing a lot of emotional availability.

So, show yourself looking ordinary and being ordinary. Come across as less of a supermodel or Instagram influencer, and more of a person a guy would see shopping at a grocery store. Even if you aren’t classically physically attractive, many guys will love it if you seem normal and human. In fact many guys would rather not engage someone who only presents as physically perfect.

Also, avoid photos that aren’t of you. What’s up with inspirational sayings as photos? Or photos of just your pets? When guys see this they will assume you must look awful. Only the most creepy of guys will engage these profiles.

So, switch up those photos and you’ll find that your online dating prospects might start getting better right away!

May 14, 2019
Why Your Dream Person Could Be In Front Of You (But You Can’t See Them)

Over the last few months, I’ve been trying to expand my social circle. I had changed jobs and moved, and was looking for some new friends (not that I had an issue with my old ones; I still have them and love them!).

So, I was somewhat purposeful, and was more friendly in my regular places I hangout (including places where I regularly play trivia).

A few weeks ago I was thinking that I didn’t really have a lot of new people in my life. Then, I decided to look a little harder.

And, I “saw” what was right in front of me. My number of Facebook friends has gone up by about 100 in the last few months, and it was all the people I had met in real life.

I have played darts, played pool, and played trivia with a lot of cool people I have met over the last few months. I went from being on a trivia team of a few established friends, to now having up to six new people who join me.

I walk into some places and get hugs from five different people. People buy me food and drinks. They tell me about their musical interests, hobbies, and their lives. And, I do the same with them.

I have people that I can (and do) call when I need something to do, and who come to my events and gatherings.

I told myself I hadn’t really met a lot of new people, yet there were plenty of new friends right in front of my eyes. But, for some reason in my head, they didn’t “count.” I guess it happened so organically and gradually that they were outside my awareness.

This is a common dating mistake as well: missing what’s right in front of us.

I hear things like “oh he’s great…but he’s a co-worker.” Or, “she’s perfect for me…but she’s a server so she ‘has to be nice to me.’”

Or maybe you’ve felt something for someone for a long time, but you’ve labelled him or her as something that excludes romance, and you believe and reinforce the label. For example, you could see yourself marrying him instead of the 50 duds you dated from Tinder, but he’s “like a brother to you” so you dismiss him. Those duds on tinder? They’re “romantic options” (even though they ultimately aren’t, but you apply the label).

Maybe she doesn’t have a college education so you dismissed dating her, but she’s the kindest, nicest, and smartest person you know, and leagues ahead of the college educated but awful people you’ve gone on dates with over the last few months.

It could even be the people you pass every day on the street, or sit by on the subway. You have personal “rules” that exclude engaging them or even smiling at them or flirting. I have even seen people ignore smiling, happy people sitting near them to angrily swipe left on people on Tinder! Talk about ignoring what’s right before your eyes!

As the Gorillaz sing in their song “Clint Eastwood,” you don’t see with your eyes; you see with your mind.

So, “seeing” what’s in front of you doesn’t mean somehow improving your vision or even paying attention more to what you see (but that is part of it). It means doing some self-reflection on how your thoughts and actions are shaping how you approach dating (and the people you may possibly date).

It means questioning your rules, assumptions, and narratives about happiness and dating. It means asking who/what you’re paying attention to and who/what you’re ignoring.

For example, have you gone to the same club every weekend and met nobody, but refuse to even look up at anybody at the gym where you see loads of hot people because “you can’t bother people at the gym?”

Did you keep walking when two girls smiled at you just to go back to your apartment to browse Tinder where you know you never get a match?

Or, what about the narrative that you have to be in a relationship to be happy when the evidence may be clear that every relationship you’ve been in has made you miserable? Maybe being single for a while and seeing your friends more often is what you really want.

Or what about the narrative that your potential partner has to… (be over 6’0″, look like a model, be younger, be older, have a degree, etc), when you might have dated ten people like that and felt no connection for them?

While I’m not saying it’s necessarily always the case that the right person may be metaphorically under your nose, for many people, it might be true. How can you see something differently that may show you happiness is right within your grasp?

Please join us over at our Facebook page in our quest to find love in 2019!

April 16, 2019
How To Put The Fun Back In Dating

When I was a teacher, a lot of my colleagues took the view that if the students were having fun, they couldn’t be learning! I sometimes kept my view of such asininity (yes, that’s a word) to myself, because I honestly can’t think of a dumber view of learning! The reality is that research shows the opposite is true. If you absolutely hate what you’re doing, not only will you resist doing it, but you won’t learn anything from it.

And, this is why most people hate dating in 2019: we have taken all the fun out of it, view it as an arduous and gigantic pain in the ass, and then wonder why it is so horrible.

But, I argue that dating actually can be fun, if we just “get out of our own way,” and start thinking differently about dating. Below I list a few ways to do just that!

Stop Pre-Screening So Much

You may think pre-screening is a good idea, and I do suggest some degree of “gate-keeping” to keep out the worst-of-the-worst (like felons, scammers, etc).

However the problem with pre-screening is that it takes out a lot of the potential fun and connection of dating. Think back to the fun times you’ve had romantically. Now, think of how many of those people you never would have met in 2019 because you probably would have pre-screened them because they: were too short, too overweight, too old, or too young, didn’t open with anything clever, “are not going anywhere,” didn’t look like they’d take good couples photos you could show off on social media, etc.

Part of the fun of dating involves mystery and intrigue, and the chemistry that can come from this. Pre-screening eliminates a lot of this element of dating. It also usually selects for the most boring “guy or girl next door” type who may seem really good on paper, but in reality may be a lot less fun, exciting, and fulfilling than you think.

Stop Inventing Red Flags

Let me tell you a romantic story. You saw him at work. He caught your eye immediately. Something about his personality just made you take notice. His cute and slightly nerdy style wasn’t your normal thing, but somehow it made you think about him even more. His smile when he said “hi” for the first time gave you butterflies, and you couldn’t stop thinking about him after that.

However, the next day you heard him say that he isn’t sure what he’s looking for in a partner and isn’t fully sold on the idea of marriage. You can’t be dating someone who has no long term relationship goals, and at 31 you definitely want marriage. So, you decided to quit talking to him and are talking to a guy on Bumble instead, who met most of your filter requirements, but even though you aren’t really attracted to him, he said he’s probably up for marriage, so you’re rolling with it.

Now that’s romance!

Ok, yes that last sentence was sarcasm, but hopefully you can see why this way of viewing dating is particularly awful. I totally get observing actual red flags, like if the guy said his last home was Riker’s Island or he’s a polygamist cult leader. However, in this example, the guy didn’t say anything definitive and may actually like our story’s main character, and may even like the idea of marrying her at some point. But, she invented a red flag where there wasn’t one.

Break Your Pointless Rules

This is probably the biggest reason dating is awful in 2019. We have created so many “rules” that nobody ever stops to question whether they are useful. You would be shocked how many people (women in particular) will start a sentence with “he is so amazing and I really like him…” and then explain why they can’t date him because he is outside some sort of personal rule they set for themselves (or, more likely, society has told them they should set for themselves).

Often it’s followed by “…but he’s younger than me” or “…he doesn’t have a college degree.” In many cases, people refuse to date a colleague (even if there is no official company rule against it) or convince themselves that they can’t ask out that cute guy or woman who checks them out at Starbucks every day because “you can’t ask people out who are working.”

Then, after obeying these rules, they’ll go online and complain they can never meet anyone good and that dating sucks.

You know what? If an arbitrary rule causes dating to not be fun for you, then ditch the rule. It’s as simple as that. Also, ask yourself who comes up with these rules? The answer is probably people who are miserable!

A Date Is A Connection, Not A Job Interview

Another reason dating sucks for most people is because dates themselves are boring events that are more like job interviews than something fun.

I don’t like dinner dates as first dates for this reason. I’m not a big fan of coffee dates either. Alcohol ones aren’t as bad simply because a few drinks can loosen people up to have some fun. When you get people together to simply sit and talk, most people treat it as a back-and-forth session designed to “interview” the person as to whether they would make a good long-term partner.

Besides being boring, the main problem with this method is that it is horribly ineffective. Someone who gives perfect answers may make an awful partner, and someone who doesn’t answer perfectly could turn out to actually be the best partner ever. And, that’s assuming you are even asking the right questions!

So, instead I plan dates with the goal of making an emotional connection and actually having a lot of fun. Yes, you heard me right. Having fun is the goal. And, when you’re having fun, you’re more likely to make a connection.

Go do something fun, like a concert, miniature golf, or mountain climbing. Run a 5k together. Do something that will be fun and will help you connect. And, if you feel that connection, go on a second date, even if your “find a red flag everywhere” sense is tingling a little.

Good Enough is Good Enough

You can make dating fun again by getting rid of insane perfectionism. I once learned about a woman who had a requirement that a guy must have never have “peed outside.” Yes, you read that right. Any guy reading this knows that this probably disqualifies most guys on the planet.

Where this came from, I have no idea. And it’s pretty extreme, but when dating and choosing a potential partner, remember that “good enough” is good enough. Many people search for perfection and miss great people as they search for “perfect.” They also miss out on great date opportunities, fun nights, and even friends.

Statistically speaking, perfection doesn’t exist, and if it does, the odds are stacked against you. Looking for a single guy over 6′ who has an athletic build and also has a college degree? Statistically the first requirement alone eliminates nearly 90% of men. The college requirement eliminates about 60%. And if you look at obesity stats, such a guy is even rarer. You start combining these requirements, and you may be looking for a person who is less than 1% of your local population. And, guess what? You’re competing with a lot of others also wanting him or her, if that person is even single (statistically also unlikely)!

Get Offline

Online dating makes a lot of the previous issues worse. Dating is fun when it’s about making a connection to a fun and interesting human being. Online dating makes dating about logical filters, common interests, and evaluating a person based on a few photos and a brief profile. It also encourages dialogue that defaults to boring, fact-based interview questions.

I believe online dating has a place in the modern dating world. However, I also believe that people use it as a crutch. One night my friends and I were hanging out at a local place. Two women were sitting next to us. They were on Tinder. Despite being around a lot of eligible people having fun, they were loudly and rudely criticizing guys on the app.

Personally, my friends and I were not interested in these women, but I’m sure some guys in the place would have enjoyed talking to them. So, rather than opening themselves up to that, they chose to look at guys on an app they didn’t even seem to like anyway. I don’t think I have to explain why looking at profiles and hating it instead of talking to people around you isn’t fun!

Online dating may allow you to swipe in the comfort of your own home, but that’s also a pretty boring way to go about it. So, even if you use online dating, opening yourself up to offline social opportunities and dates will likely make dating more fun and exciting.

So, if dating is a horrible chore, remember that it doesn’t have to be! So, let’s make dating fun again!

April 11, 2019
Ways To Get Over Your Ex And Move On To Find Love

A good friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend, for very good reasons. He set certain appropriate boundaries related to how he deserved to be treated, and she frequently violated those boundaries. However, after he ended it, he was a mess.

He developed a strong desire, almost manic, to social media stalk her, contact her, and propose meeting for sex and “see what happened,” even though he always knew what would happen (he would enjoy the sex, but be mistreated emotionally within days).

Previously I explained the science of being stuck on an ex, and just how powerful and enduring it can be. So we know the bad news. So, how do you move on from an ex?

The answers below will work pretty well, but won’t be pain-free or instantaneous. There is no pill that will instantly remove the heartbreak and/or desire for an ex, although that would be a nice invention.

Stop Going Down The Emotional Rabbit Hole

Being stuck on an ex is an emotional problem rather than a logical one. If you want to understand this, start thinking and complaining about your ex right now. You may have just started the descent into the emotional rabbit hole. You may call up your friend to complain about him, stalk his new girlfriend’s Instagram, and even negatively comment on some random Twitter accounts that remind you of him, all because you entertained that one thought a little too long.

Now, imagine if instead of telling you to think about your ex, I told you to think about your best friend. You may start to go down that rabbit hole instead…calling her up, looking at old photos of you together, and even planning an event out later in the week. The difference should even be clear with this experiment. Thinking about your best friend and the good times likely made you feel better.

It’s hard to recognize an emotional rabbit hole while it’s happening. It feels good even if you think it feels bad. If it didn’t feel good just a little, why would you spend an hour bashing your ex to your co-worker by the water cooler?

So, if you find yourself emotionally consumed, so that your thoughts, words, and actions are all focused on your ex, I suggest loudly saying “STOP!” (or at least thinking it to yourself). And, then, find something to do or say that is more emotionally energizing that can distract you and allow you to redirect your feelings. It could even be thinking of a few things that day you are grateful for or looking up funny cat memes.

Stop Stalking Your Ex On Social Media

I am friends with certain exes on social media, but that is because I am not stuck on them (or vice versa). However, if I was stuck, to the point I could not move on, I would de-friend them, not because I was mean, but because I know that it would be very difficult to move on if I was consistently feeling jealousy, anger, and resentment every time I saw photos of them.

Many people who are reading this may have already defriended their exes, but still stalk them. I’ve been there! But, if you find yourself doing this, I suggest making some rules. With one ex, I made a rule that I would check her Twitter once in the morning, and once in the evening. Eventually, I moved it down to once a day. After a few weeks, I wasn’t checking it at all. This is one way to “detox” yourself from stalking an ex.

Another way may be to remove certain apps from your phone until you feel as if you’ve emotionally detoxed a little. My friend I mentioned previously had me change the password to his Instagram so he could not reinstall it and log back in, until he was able to not obsessively check his ex’s stories. He knew that whenever he saw them, he would feel a wide range of unhelpful emotions.

Checking social media often starts that cascade of unhelpful emotions, and will lead you down the rabbit hole. Avoiding starting that cascade is very important.

Find Positive Things To Do

As I have done a lot of emotional work over the last few months, I have realized that I tend to feel unhelpful emotions a lot when I’m bored or doing overall “low energy” things. While sitting at a desk bored, my thoughts will often drift toward low energy thoughts and feelings. But, when I’m doing high-energy things, I rarely feel things like jealousy, resentment, and bitterness, and that also includes thinking about exes.

What is “high energy” depends on your needs and interests. Things that are high energy for me are: concerts, 5ks and other races, getting together with my close friends for social time, doing public speaking events, networking events, and more. I even created a “high energy” desk calendar I have on my desk. It’s just an ordinary desk calendar, but I make it a point to list one high energy thing I will do every day.

If you don’t know what these events are for you, then figure that out. If you know but don’t do them, then start scheduling them and filling your days with activities and people that will have you wondering why you even bothered to give your ex so much space in your head.

Challenge Cognitive Distortions About Your Ex

Cognitive distortions are illogical ways of thinking, and despite their twisted nature, we tell ourselves that they are true. Challenging these thoughts is at the heart of the proven therapy called Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.

Many of us have distorted thoughts about exes, which cause us to not only feel awful, but stop us from moving on. You may have some of the following distortions related to an ex I’ve listed below. Challenging these distortions involves confronting and questioning the assumptions of them, and providing evidence these assumptions aren’t true, which I do in the parentheses below.

– “He is the best I will ever get” (how do you know this? If anything, you could meet someone better tomorrow if you stopped obsessing over him)

– “I can’t be happy without him!” (watch a funny youtube video. There…you just proved you can be happy without him)

– “I will never be over him” (how do you know? Maybe you’ll be over him tomorrow if you go out on a date)

– “I should be over him by now” (The truth is that getting over someone can be challenging; have some self-empathy and acknowledge that if you “should” be over him, you would have been by now. This leads to feeling guilt, which is an unhelpful emotion which will likely lead you to want your ex even more!)

These are just some examples of distortions related to an ex.

Tap Away

Recent trauma research shows that somatic therapies offer help for deep and challenging emotional problems (including PTSD, but lesser ones as well). There are a variety of tools that may be helpful in this regard, including EMDR, but I prefer EFT or “Emotional Freedom Technique” because not only has it been shown to work in a variety of studies, but it’s simple with great results. I’m not sure if I buy the acupuncture-related explanation for why EFT works, but I do think it works for multiple other reasons, including its role as a somatic therapy as well as focusing on honesty about one’s true feelings.

My first experience using EFT was getting over someone I knew wasn’t good for me, even though I felt a strong attachment to her. I was feeling what my associates and I call “the burn,” that addicted, anxiety-ridden feeling you get when you desperately want to talk to someone.

I did the most basic EFT possible. I identified where I felt the stress (in this case, my heart area), and tapped on that area while I said a variation of the EFT set-up statement, something to the effect of “even though I feel jealous and attached to ___, I truly and deeply love and accept myself.”

I immediately felt a ton better. After that, the “burn” I had nearly went away. I’m not going to get into a huge explanation of EFT here, since it’s beyond the scope of this article, but I highly suggest you check out this sheet which will walk you through the EFT “basic recipe” that can be done in a matter in minutes.

Below I walk you through a special EFT script that I wrote just to help people get over an ex. Give it a try!

Please join us at our Double Trust Dating Facebook page, where we are discussing finding love in 2019 all year!

April 11, 2019
Do Some Dating App Companies Even Want You To Get A Date??

As part of my business, I keep up on dating apps and what they are up to, simply because so many people use them (or feel they have no choice). And, I have wondered if dating app companies even care if anybody gets a date.

At least they used to pretend to, but when I checked out Tinder’s recent articles on their Swipe Life site, they seem to be more interested in helping you enjoy being single. Even their twitter banner right now is “single, not sorry.”

So, in other words, Tinder is probably so awful at actually getting people dates, that they don’t even make a pretense anymore that it does that. One analysis did find that 70% of users didn’t even go on a date from Tinder. Of course that could be because the same study found that a majority were there to “waste time.”

I suppose that’s hardly Tinder’s fault, but an app that has limiting algorithms that prioritize attractiveness over engagement (average people rarely get matches), it’s no surprise people use the app to waste time (or in many cases for pretty young women, to get Instagram followers from thirsty guys). Supposedly they are changing this algorithm, but I remain skeptical.

I often wonder about other dating apps too. Do they really have an incentive to get you a date? You’d be off the app very quickly if the apps were designed to get you a date. Instead, whether intentionally or not, they are designed to get you to swipe or browse more.

They are like slot machines. Instead of encouraging you to build a connection with one or two people and see where it goes, there is always the possibility of “better” around the corner. I believe this is why so many people ghost or flake from online dating apps. You get in a conversation with someone you like, and then you get a match with someone you think is better, so you stop other conversations. Then, someone you think is even better comes along and you stop that. And, this continues on for ages until you lament you can’t meet anybody good online!!

In some ways, we demand this from companies. A lot of people are more comfortable going on a dating app for validation and to waste time (and to see whom they can match with next…that dopamine hit is quite a good feeling) than they are going through the process of matching, connecting, and getting on a date.

So, it’s hilarious to think that many apps designed to get you dates and relationships rarely do that, yet many of these apps are owned by billion dollar companies (well…most of them are owned by one company – Match Group).

Some apps are looking to change this. One I like in particular is Cove. It is currently in the early stages of development, so it’s limited in some markets, but it is designed to get people to interact. In fact, if you don’t move from texting to calling (they have a built in Skype type system for that) in a reasonable amount of time, you get unmatched.

When I talked to the founder of the app recently, he told me users are reporting that this process has brought them closer to people they likely never would have gotten to know had the process been “normal” (texting only).

So, at least some dating apps are responding to the need that people have to, you know, actually get a date from their apps. Otherwise, there is a decent app called “talking to people in the real world” which works too.

April 4, 2019
The Science Behind Why It’s So Hard To Get Over Your Ex

A buddy of mine met a nice woman on Tinder. Her ex had ended the relationship and she was getting back into the dating scene.

She couldn’t stand her ex fiance. He was narcissistic, going on numerous dates with employees he was supposed to be managing, and even though she was in many ways the perfect girlfriend, he still ended up taking her for granted and ultimately ended things.

How did my friend know all of these details?

Because she never stopped talking about him. And, she would always find something new to talk about on every date, because she constantly stalked his social media, and the social media of any woman she thought he might be seeing.

Her rational brain declared (probably hourly) “I am over this guy!” Her emotional brain was still engaged to him.

Eventually my friend became tired of being a “side dude” in relation to her ex-boyfriend.

I tell this story not to judge her, but to illustrate how difficult it can be to get over an ex.

In fact, I know men and women both who even 20 years after the fact aren’t over an ex. They may even be married to someone else, with children, and still not really be over an ex. A good percentage of the engaged couples I know would end the engagement in a heartbeat if a particular ex came back into the picture. This may even be an ex they profess to hate.

There’s a good scientific reason why you are stuck on an ex, even when you logically think you can’t stand them.

It’s because humans don’t usually act based on logic. We act based on emotion.

The emotional parts of the brain (sometimes labelled the limbic system) are powerful, influential, and work subconsciously in many cases. They also happen to be older (in terms of our evolutionary history) than the rational parts, and we share them with other animals.

If you don’t believe me how powerful the emotional brain is, then think of the last time you wanted to lose weight. You may have literally said you hate being fat 1000 times in the last year. But, did you lose the weight? If you’re like most Americans, you haven’t, despite talking about it a lot.

The reason is that your cravings for food come from the older, emotional parts of your brain, and they often win the “tug of war” within our brains.

Cravings for a person, such as an ex, are even more complicated and powerful than other cravings. First of all, I want to explain that attraction isn’t a choice. You don’t sit and contemplate whether you find someone attractive. You either are or you aren’t. You also can’t “talk yourself into” attraction (you can lie to yourself that you’re attracted to someone, but that’s another article). And, for the purposes of this article, you can’t talk yourself out of it either (you can, however, choose to not act on the feeling).

If you don’t believe me, then why is it that you really, really wish you were attracted to your guy friend who is stable and nice, but you just aren’t? Why are you instead attracted to your ex you know isn’t good for you? It’s because attraction is like many other emotional cravings in that it’s a product of evolution, genetics, and social conditioning. As such, it isn’t going to be “logical.”

Now that we have established this, it’s important to know what happens when you’re romantically involved with someone you’re attracted to: your brain changes. To put it bluntly, you go crazy.

To put it more scientifically, your brain and body change chemically in a way that causes you to become singularly focused on that person, to the point where you not only can’t see their flaws, but you crave their attention constantly (and get stressed when you don’t get their attention).

This is a result of a variety of changes, including dopamine centers lighting up, increased norepinephrine, decreased serotonin, as well as hormonal changes. When you’re in this phase, everything is perfect (to you at least). He’s not an unemployed serial player on probation…no, he’s a misunderstood and charming starving artist who was framed by the police and prosecutors.

As you bond with him physically (sex, cuddling, etc), your brain releases oxytocin, which creates a strong social and romantic bond. This is the same chemical released when a woman gives birth to a child. So, as you connect with your partner, your brain is releasing chemicals that strongly bond you to this person emotionally and romantically.

Men tend to bond differently, possibly via both oxytocin and, more significantly, vasopressin. The result is still a type of attachment, but the route and manifestation of the bond differ somewhat. To learn more about all of this, I highly recommend the book The Chemistry Between Us.

Now, imagine this relationship ends. The logical part of your brain knows it’s over, and may even declare that you’re over him. However, the emotional parts don’t know it yet. It’s the same way your logical brain knows you’re quitting smoking, but your emotional parts still crave cigarettes. Now, imagine instead of wanting to give up cigarettes, you’re giving up your own child. Emotionally, as I mentioned above, thanks to oxytocin, your connection to your partner might as well be the same thing.

You may say “but I haven’t seen my ex in years!” Our emotional brain doesn’t know the difference between feeling and reality (it’s why a 2D work of fiction projected onto a screen can make us laugh, cry, etc). So, even if you haven’t seen your ex in years, you probably still reinforce your connection with him in ways that you may not even be aware of: stalking his social media, thinking about him regularly, comparing your current partner to him constantly, and even complaining about him regularly. All of these are ways you are keeping that feeling alive.

So, being “stuck” on an ex is human nature. It’s a result of the clunky nature of the evolved human brain, where older, emotional parts compete with newer, sensible parts. And, the emotional parts often win, or at least place, in the race for control of our thoughts and decisions.

Now that you know why you are stuck on your ex, stay tuned on our Facebook page because we’re going to be discussing ways to get over him soon!

March 5, 2019
Your Body Language May Be Limiting Your Chances At Love

You can’t stop thinking about him. In your mind, he’s the perfect guy. You’ve stared at for months at work. He has the sweetest smile and everyone loves him. One day, he finally visits your department! And, when is walking by…you freeze and cross your arms.

Then you see him walk into the gym! He looks so good in that tank top. As he walks by you later, he tries to make eye contact, but you’re staring into your phone with headphones on and don’t even notice him.

So, what’s the end of this amazing romance story? He dates someone else and thinks you aren’t interested in him.

When I was dateless, I couldn’t figure out why finding love was so hard! Inside of my head, I was confident, attractive, open, and fun.

The problem is that had you asked those around me what I was like, the answers would have been closer to thinking I was insecure, unattractive, closed off, and boring.

My social reality unfolded not based on how I felt inside, but based on how I came across. And, your social reality is the same way.

You are how you come across.

I first became aware of this in 2010, after studying body language. For the first time ever, it hit me that maybe the messages others were receiving were different than the message I was intending to send out. And, I realized that even if I wasn’t purposely sending a message out, people were nonetheless getting a message no matter what.

I saw this in action as a teacher that same time period. A student came up and said “you always look so angry sitting at your desk.” The funny thing was that I was never angry. I was mainly just focused and occasionally zoning out while working at my computer.

But, coming across as angry was the message they got, and that is all that mattered for social interaction.

So, you may think you’re just sitting in the corner at the bar quietly. But people think you’re angry and unapproachable. You may even be staring at your phone just passing the time until someone talks to you, but the people thinking about talking to you think you’re busy (and probably assume you’re talking to a significant other).

You’re just enjoying your favorite music with your headphones in all day, but those cute guys think it means you don’t want to be bothered.

You may think you’re just being contemplative, but everyone else sees a “resting bitch face.”

You may cross your arms and look away when your crush walks by because you’re so nervous, but he thinks you can’t stand him.

Let me explain why all of this matters in a romantic context, especially for women.

Believe it or not, women actually initiate interactions with most guys. Now, by “initiate” I don’t mean that they walk up and open the conversation. They initiate by giving subtle cues that they are open to being approached.

These cues can include smiling, crossing their legs toward the guy, playing with their hair, and leaning into him. These cues tell a guy “you have a green light! Now get to work approaching me!”

However, men can get confused easily, in part because many men are reluctant to bother women (this is even more so in the #metoo era).

Also, it’s because women send out a lot of “red light” cues, such as being quiet, looking away, staring at their phones, having headphones in, not smiling, and freezing when approached. Many of these actions may not even be intended to send out a “red light” cue, but guys interpret them that way.

You may say “oh come on! Guys just need to get the hint and talk to me!” And, while we agree this is true, a lot of guys are bad at reading social cues, and many guys are deathly afraid of talking to a random woman. So, unless you give them a very large green light, they won’t approach.

So, think about how others, particularly guys, see you. Do you come across as available and open to interaction, or do you come across as the human equivalent of a brick wall?

One way to do this is when you’re trying to meet someone, or around someone you really like, focus on becoming more open in your body language. This includes purposely smiling, leaning toward them, and even avoiding crossing your arms. It also may involve pulling out your headphones or putting your phone down more often when out in public.

Please join us in our discussion related to finding love in 2019 on our Facebook page!

February 21, 2019
Podcast Episode 9: Cognitive Distortions and Dating

As many of you already know, we have a podcast, Disruptive Love, and we just released episode 9, with special guest Joshua Wagner. In this episode, we focus on cognitive distortions, and how they impact your love life, dating, and relationships. What are cognitive distortions? They are irrational, limiting thoughts that your brain automatically sends you, often without you even knowing they are there.

We focus on the common distortions of mind reading, sunk cost, the halo effect, and more.

These distortions are the reason why you may think he’s “Mr. Right” simply because he’s hot, or why you keep investing your time and love into a relationship that began failing years ago.

Being aware of these distortions can help you start to make positive changes in your life. Check out the episode below on YouTube, or visit the direct link.

July 26, 2018