Author: Jonathan Bennett

We associate the holidays with fun, festivity, peace, and joy. And, being in a good relationship can make the holiday season even more meaningful. After all, there is a Hallmark Channel stereotype about finding and strengthening love at Christmas.

But, that doesn’t tell the whole story for many people. The holiday season can be very stressful and presents unique challenges, even for the strongest of couples. If you’re already struggling, they can make things far worse.

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or another holiday, you will likely encounter several common challenges.

It’s important to be aware of them because in the midst of the shopping, planning, and general stress, you can lose sight of what matters most: the person you love and the relationship you value. And, this can lead to unnecessary fights and even break ups.

This article will examine common holiday relationship problems so you can avoid them and keep your relationship strong!

Money Arguments

Studies show that money issues are one of the most common fights in a relationship. But, the holidays can create even more stress and fights about money.

People typically spend more money during the holidays to buy things like Christmas presents or throw elaborate parties. And, this can create stress between partners, especially if both sides can’t come to an agreement.

It also can reveal differences in beliefs and values about money that normally don’t come out. For example, one partner might want to spend more on children while the other thinks it’s inappropriate given the budget or believing it’s not right to “spoil the kids.”

The key to avoid this conflict is to keep the lines of communication open and be willing to compromise. Just because the money amounts are bigger doesn’t mean you can’t come to an agreement.

Scheduling Conflicts

The holidays can be very busy for a lot of people. When you add up holiday parties, shopping time, family dinners, and kids events on top of all the normal activities, it’s possible to be extremely overscheduled before and around the holidays.

This can create two different problems. First, this overscheduling can get in the way of spending alone time with your partner, especially if you’re both pulled in different directions.

Second, it can create fights about which events to attend, if any. For example, couples might disagree about where to spend Christmas Eve dinner or whether not they should go to an office party at a bar.

Again, the key is communication and compromise. Even if you both can be perfectly happy, come up with solutions that can make you both at least mostly happy.

Seasonal Depression

As the days get darker and the weather gets colder, it can cause feelings of depression in some people. It is officially called seasonal affective disorder and can be an issue during the holidays.

If winter is causing you or your partner to feel depressed, even mildly, it can create additional struggles, especially if neither of you is willing to discuss it or address it. It can lead to feelings of sadness and even anger that can cause fights and misunderstandings.

If either of you is feeling depressed, be honest with your partner so they don’t personalize your emotions. And, above all, seek help. You shouldn’t have to suffer in silence. You can get into therapy and receive the support of your partner.

Family and Friend Friction

Family is a major part of holiday traditions. Friends can be too. You might see relatives and friends around the holidays that you normally wouldn’t. And, sometimes, these might be people you or your partner would rather avoid.

This can lead to fights as you or your partner insist that you don’t want to go to a friend or relative’s house. Or maybe you both end up going and someone gets drunk or mouths off and next thing you know, you’re in the middle of a family fight. And, later you fight about the fight!

Again, the key is compromise and communication, but also boundary setting. If someone is truly toxic, it’s likely best to stay home. But, if you can tolerate a friend or family member, then compromising can be a nice gesture.

If you experience these common problems, remember that you can work through anything. But, being aware of them is a big help. During the holiday stress, take time to focus on your relationship and remember what really matters.

When you’re in love you know it very clearly. Everyone who has ever had a crush or started dating someone very attractive knows the rush of the intense feelings. In other words, when you’re madly in love, you don’t need to be told. There’s no second guessing!

However, knowing that you’re falling out of love is a little more difficult. Losing the spark with another person often occurs over a long period of time. And, since you have so many bonds with them, it can be easy to want to hold on and convince yourself that you’re still in love.

But, knowing when you’re falling out of love is very important. This will allow you to end a dying (or dead) relationship or work harder to save the relationship and recapture the love that you once had.

This article will look at signs you’re falling out of love. If you notice any of these or all four, it’s time to evaluate whether or not you really belong in this relationship.

The Bedroom Is Dead

Sex and romance are an important part of any long term relationship. While the amount of sex typically goes down in a long term relationship, it still remains vital. This is because sexual activity releases oxytocin, which is bonds two people together. If you’re not doing “it,” then you’re missing out on an important component of the relationship.

When dealing with a dead bedroom situation, couples often fight more, especially if you want passion, but your partner doesn’t. This can lead you to feel more resentment and less love for your partner.

In addition, if you have no desire for your partner, then you have to ask yourself why? For many people, they simply feel no attraction to their partner or it’s because they no longer have strong feelings for them in any way. They’ve fallen out of love.

You Fight All The Time

Fighting in a relationship is normal. Every healthy couple does it and usually way more often than they want to admit. But, for a healthy couple, the fighting is an unpleasant part of a loving relationship.

In a relationship where you’re falling out of love, the fighting becomes excessive and beyond what is normal. Usually, the fights begin to outweigh the positive moments. And, you tend to fight about seemingly anything.

It’s possible to actually enjoy negative emotions and I believe many couples fall into this trap with fights. But, if you actually enjoy the fighting, then it’s pretty clear that you’re falling out of love.

You No Longer Spend Time Together

When you’re in love, you want to spend time with your partner. In fact, you may even be a little obsessive about seeing them. When you’re falling out of love, however, the opposite is true.

You no longer spend time with your partner or you don’t want to. In many cases, it could be that you live separate lives. You just simply don’t have time for your partner or they don’t have time for you.

The other option is that you don’t want to spend time with your partner. Maybe you’d rather be with family or friends or just alone. Either way, it’s not a good sign for the future success of your relationship.

You Look Elsewhere For Fulfillment

When you’re falling out of love, you begin to look elsewhere to find meaning, fulfillment and purpose. And, even love.

You might find your mind wandering to other people, daydreaming about a life with them. You might look to the past and reminisce about what might have been with your exes.

You also could simply check out of love and romance in general. You get absorbed in your own projects and hobbies. Maybe you spend all day playing video games or going to bars. While it’s good to have hobbies and friends, if they are escapes from a relationship, it’s a sign you’re not happy.

If you have any of these signs, it’s time to accept that you might be falling out of love with your partner. You’ll have to decide what to do obviously. But, ignore these signs at your own peril.

I’m sure you’ve dealt with toxic people in your life, whether it’s friends, family, or romantic relationships. And, sadly, many times, you’ve likely fallen victim to their manipulation tactics. You’re not alone. We all have.

Toxic men and women are pros at manipulating others for their own benefit. And, if you’ve ever dated an actual narcissist, i.e. a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or someone with strong narcissistic tendencies, you know that it’s even worse. They use manipulation tactics with zero remorse for those they’ve hurt.

This article is going to look at four common toxic manipulation tactics that narcissists and other toxic people use. Knowing what to look for can help you set boundaries, stand up for yourself, and not fall victim to manipulation from anyone toxic again.

Playing the Victim

This is a very common manipulation tactic. When you try to address a problem in the relationship, they turn the tables and make it look like you’re in the wrong. And, that you’re “picking on” them.

This often happens during romantic disagreements where your partner is in the wrong. Rather than that person admitting fault and apologizing to you, they get defensive. Then, they try to act like you confronting them, even nicely, is somehow mean.

This tactic works because it gets you off topic. Usually, you end up defending yourself or consoling them. And, next thing you know, you’re no longer talking about the problem they caused that needs resolved.

Lesser of Two Evils

This is a common technique narcissists use when you confront them about their behavior. It involves defending themselves by saying they could be worse. And, since they could be worse, their current behavior is okay.

For example, an alcoholic partner might say, “Yes, I drink a lot and get angry. But, at least I’m still employed.” Or, “Yeah, I might yell and scream at the kids, but I’ve never laid a hand on them!”

This is manipulative because a behavior doesn’t have to be acceptable just because it could be worse. In the previous examples, losing a job and physical abuse might be worse, but it doesn’t take away from the inappropriate behavior your partner is actually doing.

Blaming the Victim

In this case, the other person recognizes that you are the victim. But, instead of apologizing and changing their behavior to stop hurting you, they turn things around and act like everything is your fault.

Let’s use the alcoholic example from earlier. They might say that their drinking and resulting anger are because you work too much or don’t give them enough support. In other words, you, the victim of their abuse is actually responsible for the abuse (in their mind).

This tactic is very dangerous because you can easily internalize their criticism and believe that it really is your fault. Victim blaming is very common in domestic abuse situations and can stop people from getting help. You might excuse their bad behavior because you feel like their critique is valid or feel inadequate as a partner.

Remember, though, that bad behavior is never justified. Even if you could improve yourself (we all can), you are never to blame for someone else’s abusive behavior or toxic issues.

Tu Quoque

This phrase is Latin for “you too.” It describes how someone will accuse you of doing the same thing as a way of getting them off the hook and to draw attention away from their bad behavior.

So, you could be confronting them about an inappropriate relationship at work and they try to bring the topic back to something you did at some point, like pointing out how you got a little flirty with a friend a few years ago at a bar.

This toxic manipulation tactic often works because you might feel guilty about your behavior in the past. But, remember that no one is perfect. And, your behavior in the past doesn’t justify their bad behavior in the present, especially if you’ve improved and made amends.

So, beware of these manipulation tactics. They are very common among narcissistic and toxic people. But, even people you normally trust might use them too. No matter who uses them, don’t fall for them!

A good friend of mine recently married the love of her life. While this doesn’t seem like news, he is 55 and she is 25. You don’t see that every day!

Age gaps were very common in the past and occasionally make the news today, usually involving celebrities or people in positions of power who are highly attractive. But, younger women who like older guys can still face hate, judgment, and ridicule, especially online.

As a result, they can’t always be honest about their feelings. So, they ask family, friends, and strangers, why am I attracted to older men?

If you like older guys, you’re not weird. The research is very clear that it doesn’t mean you have daddy issues or mental health problems. And, once you’re a legal adult, there is no rule that says you have to date someone within a certain age range (Even the “Half Your Age Plus Seven” rule is bogus). Younger women being attracted to older men is perfectly normal, and can even have many advantages.

This article is a “no judgment” zone, so save the hate for somewhere else. If you like older guys, younger guys, or guys your exact age, that’s your choice and I wish you the best. All preferences have advantages and disadvantages. But, this article will explain the reasons you’re attracted to older men and why that’s OK!

Maturity

Everyone knows that girls grow up faster than boys. Recent research shows that men reach emotional maturity at age 43 and women at 32. And, this eleven year gap likely happens early. It’s no surprise that women were twice as likely as men to feel that they were the “grown up” in their relationship.

I’ve heard many complaints from younger women about guys their age. They have no ambition, won’t grow up, and aren’t responsible adults. These guys only seem interested in video games, watching sports, and messing around. Many are even still living at home! These younger men aren’t “relationship material.”

Of course, there’s no guarantee an older guy will be mature. There are losers, jerks, and screw offs at every age. However, if a man is older, the odds are better you’ll get mature conversation, adult hobbies, and someone who doesn’t need you to be his mother.

Financial Stability

I hate the stereotype that women only use older men for their money. However, having your shit together is very attractive. And, studies show that financial success could be one reason women find older men attractive.

The current economic system rewards job experience and longevity. So, even if it seems unfair, an average guy in his forties will typically have more money than a smarter, more talented younger guy in the same field.

Also, over time, investments mature, money grows, and people find creative ways to make extra cash. Unless he’s born rich, a younger guy starting out simply doesn’t have the same opportunities

Don’t feel guilty or like a bad person because you want a successful man with money. As long as you love him for him, and not just for his money, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the travel, education, and other nice things that come with committing to a financially established guy. Of course, you’ll get hate: other women will be jealous that you’re with him while they’re probably constantly floating their broke boyfriend who just spent the last money from his paycheck on a new video game.

Life Experience

As men age, they not only mature, but get life experience. While there are exceptions, most older men have learned important lessons, gained education and wisdom, and created successful, stable lives.

Life experience is valuable in areas like money management, employment, household matters, and overall decision making. People with life experience are stronger and can stand up to others. They are teachers who can guide you to be the best. And, they’re usually more skilled in many areas, including in the bedroom.

If you’re asking “why am I attracted to older men?” you might love the experience older men bring to the relationship. For one, he is more likely to be great at sex, taking his time and making sure you’re satisfied (versus the “pump, pump, pull, and fall asleep” method of many younger guys). He makes smart decisions. You know that he will keep you safe and stable for years to come. And, you don’t have to act like his mom, because he isn’t immature like younger guys.

Confidence

As people gain life experience and mature, they also become more confident. The age at which confidence is highest might surprise you. It’s sixty! And, as people age, their confidence grows.

Women find genuinely confident men very attractive. They love a man who acts with power, strength and leadership, but isn’t arrogant, insecure, or aggressive. A lot of older guys have successfully developed this mature confidence through years of accomplishments, social interaction, and learning from their mistakes.

If you crave real confidence in your partner, you’re more likely to find it with someone older than you. This could explain why you find older guys attractive!

Success

I’ve written several books and had my ideas featured in major magazines like Cosmo, Psychology Today, and Playboy. I’m the CEO of a good sized company. I’ve appeared on radio and TV many times. In addition, I’ve completed countless obstacle course races, half marathons, and 5k runs.

I’m not a famous guy who went viral. Rather, when I was younger, I worked my ass off to be the best version of myself. And, I put in great effort to achieve my goals. Then, I was accomplishing. Now that I’m older, I’m actually accomplished.

You might find older guys attractive because of their successes. You can take pride in their achievements and be a part of their success now. Rather than helping someone younger build a dream (which is also OK!), you want to live the dream now. There’s nothing wrong with that!

Even though a lot of women like older men, age gap relationships are rare. Many women feel pressure to conform and that means dating someone their own age. Many women just assume an older guy won’t be interested in them, which is very far from the truth.

I know quite a few women who deeply loved an older guy, but rejected him to marry someone their family or friends liked. They played it safe and ended up miserable.

If you’re attracted to older men, then find them, date them, and fall in love with them. Be bold! The world would be a better place if people were with those they truly loved. Don’t settle with someone just to make others happy.

Many of my coaching clients struggle to process their feelings after they sleep with someone for the first time. Not only are they processing feelings, but they guy is also processing feelings. This can create a lot of emotional volatility and turn a great thing (sex) into something confusing.

Women often ask, why do guys change after you sleep with them? The short answer is: sex changes everything!

But, I can’t always give a clearer answer because the changes can be very unique to different men. It can make guys more likely to commit or make them run away. It can deepen a relationship or pull it apart.

However, if a guy you slept with has changed, this article will explain the possible reasons.

His Brain Changed

A friend of mine wanted to get in a “friends with benefits” situation with a guy. I warned her that once the “benefits” started, she might have trouble being just friends. Sure enough, after two weeks of sex, she wanted more.

Simply put, sex changes the brain in incredible ways. Each time people sleep together, their brains release a cocktail of hormones. These chemicals interact in ways that scientists don’t fully understand. But, the hormones create a mixture of excitement, passion, pleasure and bonding.

And, that can seriously mess up a brain, leading to all sorts of new feelings and urges towards you. If he changed, you can bet that those changes involve processing all of the crazy new feelings related to you and your relationship. Some guys might be afraid of these feelings, and could become distant or withdraw because they don’t really want to be attached to you in that way.

He Faked An Emotional Connection For Sex

If you’re asking why do guys change after you sleep with them because he seems different, the answer might be bad news. Some guys truly do just want sex and they will “say what it takes” in the moment to achieve that goal. Many guys know exactly what women want to hear to feel comfortable, and they will express interest in a relationship or even to work hard to build an emotional connection. Then, once they sleep with you, they’ll move on because they achieved their real goal, which was sex.

The easiest way to tell if a guy did this is to look at his before and after behavior. If he said a lot of sweet and loving things to get you into bed, but, afterwards becomes distant and uninterested, then he probably views you as another sexual conquest.

Look at his continued behavior. If he won’t respond to you, refuses to see you, and has ghosted you, then you can pretty much assume that he used the emotional time with you to get sex, and has moved on.

He Just Wants More Sex

Men, in general, have a higher sex drive than women and want it more often. You might have started out as more emotionally connected, but he no longer wants that now that you two slept together. He’s all about the sex!

You could find this troubling, especially if all he wants to do is get busy in the bedroom. Some guys get so focused on sex that it becomes their number one priority. Now that you gave it to him, he wants nothing else.

But this isn’t all bad news.

If he still wants a relationship and seems emotionally connected, then more sex can be a good thing, especially if you love it too!

But, if he only wants you for sex and has lost interest in other aspects of the relationship, then you’ll have to decide if you can live with that.

He Is Scared

Remember how I mentioned that sex changes brains? For people who have trust issues, difficulty bonding, or the inability to cope, those brain changes can cause anxiety and panic.

The guy you slept with could be developing greater feelings for you, but he might not feel ready for a relationship. Or, he might doubt that he can handle one. He also could have originally wanted you as a friend or lover and can’t handle the new feelings of love.

Whatever his issues, sex made them worse and he couldn’t handle his emotions. When this happens, most guys will run away, go quiet, and, above all, seem different.

If you both feel love for each other, you’ll want to have open communication and encourage him to resolve his issues related to sex and commitment.

You Changed, Not Him

One chemical released during sex is oxytocin, sometimes called the cuddle chemical. It is strongly associated with bonding, not just lovers, but also a mother and child. However, oxytocin and other brain chemicals aren’t released equally in men and women.

During sex, the female brain releases large quantities of oxytocin. Male brains, on the other hand, release less oxytocin and more dopamine. Dopamine is the pleasure chemical and is associated with the reward system in the brain.

So, while women feel pleasure and an urge to bond during sex, men primarily feel pleasure with a little bit of bonding thrown in.

If you wonder why men change after you sleep with them, the best answer might be that he didn’t change: you did.

During sex, your hormones caused you to feel both pleasure and a deeper connection to him. He possibly just felt pleasure. And, if you continued to have sex, this gap would’ve grown larger. You want even more bonding, but he just wants more sex.

Of course, men can bond, in general and during sex. But, if you’ve noticed that he changed or seems different, you might be falling in love with him, but he simply enjoys the sex.

And, another interesting fact is that testosterone blocks oxytocin in the brain. So, men particularly high in testosterone (in many cases, the most attractive and confident men out there) may even be less likely to feel an emotional bond after sex.

This article should help you decode why a guy changed after sleeping with you. But, if you can’t figure it out, the best course of action is to be honest and ask. All men are different and open communication is the key to success in any relationship.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from women as a dating coach is that a guy seems interested in them, they read the signs, feel a connection, then nothing happens.

Usually, they have a great date, but he never calls them back. In some cases, they meet a man online and have fun, flirty conversations, and then he ghosts them. Or, they meet a great guy somewhere like a club, they flirt, and he won’t make a move.

Many women ask why do guys flirt if they are not interested? Men ask the same question of women, of course.

Flirting is the human “language” of attraction. It evolved as a negotiation process where both partners determine mutual attraction. So, when you flirt with someone else and they flirt back, you’re both determining sexual compatibility–or lack of it. It’s a way of safely testing the waters without being overt, and in a way, it’s the subtle, often non-verbal, mating dance of humans.

This means that not every instance of flirting leads to romance. If it seemed like you had a great connection with a guy but nothing happened, this article will explain why he flirted, but wasn’t interested.

You Felt It; He Didn’t

When I was a junior in high school, I had a huge crush on a freshman girl. I talked to her all the time and even let her share my locker. We flirted a lot, but when I asked her to go to a dance with me, she turned me down.

Looking back, I flirted, but she didn’t really return the favor. Remember, flirting is a negotiation process towards a relationship. I had determined that she would make a great partner. But, she didn’t agree.

Sometimes guys will be friendly, funny, and charming with you and you take it as flirting and flirt with them. But, they don’t feel a romantic connection. You just felt something strong and assumed they did too. If he isn’t interested, then he likely didn’t feel it, or at least not on the level you did.

He Can’t Date You

If you met a guy who seemed great and clearly flirted back, it’s possible that he does like you. But, for whatever reason, he can’t date you.

For example, if you met him online, then he might secretly be in a relationship. So, he might like you and enjoyed the flirting, but he can’t take it any further. A lot of people on dating apps are married or in a relationship. One study confirmed that 42 percent of all people on Tinder aren’t even single!

Or, he might feel attracted to you and be single, but he has trouble coping with actual relationships. This could be due to trust issues or emotional problems. He also might not be ready for a relationship or wants a different type (e.g. casual). He flirts and he’s interested, but can’t or won’t give you the kind of relationship you want.

He Is Clueless

If you’re wondering why do guys flirt when they are not interested, you need to look at a basic male-female difference.

Studies have shown that men are simply less skilled than women at reading emotional and social cues. And, flirting occurs in the limbic system, which is the non-logical part of the brain associated with…you guessed it…emotion.

So, a guy might be enjoying your company, showing you his humor, charm, and wit, but not be picking up on your flirting.

He might not only be clueless about your flirting, but he might not even be aware that he is flirting! He could be overthinking the whole situation too.

This means that he is interested in some level, but can’t or won’t take the next logical step of asking you out.

He Likes Attention

You know what is incredibly fun? Flirting! I personally love nothing more than meeting someone new and attractive, making a connection, and then having a fun, friendly, exciting conversation with her.

Flirting releases many feel-good chemicals in the brain. And, like with anything pleasurable, some people get addicted to the feeling.

As a result, many guys will flirt because they enjoy the feeling that comes with it. They enjoy the attention of women that flirting brings. But, rather than actually wanting a connection, they simply want to flirt. So, if you want more, then they will come across as just a tease.

He Is Interested (But May Not Admit It)

Remember earlier what I said about some men being dense and clueless? Well, that could be good news for you!

If a guy flirts with you, and does it consistently, then it represents a very strong sign of attraction. Remember, however, that flirting happens in the emotional part of the brain. This means that he is subconsciously attracted to you, but might not logically know it yet.

So, if you continue to notice him flirting with you, I would bet that he actually does like you. Something, however, is holding him back. This is especially true if you only notice him flirting in certain places or contexts, like if he’s been drinking alcohol.

You might need to make your intentions clear, try to move the relationship to another level, or make him feel more comfortable by letting him know that you want him to make a move.

And, sometimes even if you do try to ask him out, he still may turn you down.

Why? For the same reason women will flirt with a guy heavily, but still turn him down. Maybe he doesn’t see a future. Maybe he knows your personalities are too different, or maybe his friends and family expect him to date a certain type of person, and you’re not it, even if he does feel a lot of attraction. Sadly, many people are highly out of touch with what they really want.

I hope this article helped you better understand the guy in your life who flirts, but also doesn’t seem interested.

Remember, however, that in the end, men, like women, are complicated and you might not figure out the exact reason. If you truly need to know, just ask!