Double Trust Dating

Author: Jonathan Bennett

Survival Mode In Relationships: Don’t Survive, Thrive
Her jaw was clenched and she started to fidget in her chair. She was furiously typing on her phone, ignoring my attempts at conversation. She told me that we had to cancel our plans later in the evening because she “was a mess.” I knew her drill: she’d go back, get drunk, and stalk his social media. Her friends and I would spend our evening without her.

In case you didn’t know, she was fighting with her ex, triggered by a text. And, it sent her into a total tailspin, draining her emotional energy and sending her instantly into “survival mode”. Survival mode in relationships and dating can be brutal. She is the best evidence.

If you’re unfamiliar with it, a good definition of survival mode is this: “an overactive stress response that drives people to obsessively think about painful things…the worst version of brain overdrive you can imagine, all the time. It’s anxiety so powerful that it takes over your life.”

The brain chemistry behind survival mode originally served an important purpose. When we were in danger of being eaten by a tiger in the wild, we needed an acute stress response to survive. However, when the stress ended, our brains were supposed to return to normal. When that doesn’t happen? Yes, survival mode.

Writer Joe Dispenza describes the process in his amazing book Becoming Supernatural:

When [in survival mode], you are training your brain to fire in a disordered, incoherent pattern, which causes it to work very inefficiently. Like a lightning storm in the clouds, different neural networks fire out of order, so your brain works out of sync. The effect is similar to a group of drummers all banging on their skins at the same time but not together or with any rhythm.

And, if there is one area where people default to survival mode, it’s in dating and relationships, all of which can involve a lot of stress.

Survival Mode in Long Term Relationships

I was in a relationship where all I did was fight with my girlfriend. It was constant fighting that never got resolved. So, I’d be mad, annoyed, and stressed, usually for hours after the yelling stopped, especially after she went into the “silent treatment.” And, the cycle would repeat almost daily. It was pure hell. But, for unknown reasons, I stuck around. You can bet I wasn’t living the life I wanted to live!

If you are constantly stressed by your partner, feel anxious and upset around him or her, and are constantly “on edge” about relationship matters (communication, spending time together, etc.), then you’re living in survival mode. And, you’re experiencing the physical, mental, and emotional damage that comes from constant stress.

Survival Mode While Single (And Dating)

A friend of mine desperately wants to marry. She decided that she’s too old to be single (she’s 30) and is relentlessly stressed about finding the right guy. This includes matchmaking, online dating, and meeting through friends.

She is exhausted from going on so many dates and she told me they feel like job interviews. She’s given guys she finds borderline repulsive “a chance” because she is so desperate to marry quickly. The other day, she confessed to me that she hates dating!

Who can blame her? With that kind of pressure, she’s constantly tired, angry, and stressed. And, the guys can sense it too. She’s turned dating into a chore for all involved and she’s now less likely than ever to even reach her arbitrary goal.

Survival Mode Due To An Ex

Like my friend in the opening story, many people are so preoccupied with an ex that they enter into a type of survival mode where the only thing they can think about is the person they used to date. Their past with that person cripples their present and future.

Sometimes an ex can cloud someone’s entire existence, throwing them into a daily pattern of stress, overthinking, and anxiety. Perhaps you know the examples.
- Thinking about a person constantly
- Stalking his or her social media
- Comparing all new dates to the ex (usually negatively)
- Running past scenarios in your head (and wishing you did things differently)
- Withdrawing from positive life events due to stress/trauma (e.g. my friend from paragraph one)
From Survival Mode To Thriving

Survival mode is so awful because it takes up so much precious energy and time from your day-to-day living. My friend from the first paragraph experienced great emotional damage and lost out on positive time spent with her friends, all over a stupid text!

Leaving survival mode and embracing the opposite, thriving, isn’t always easy. It involves letting go and trusting rather than holding on and fearing. It requires “allowing” rather than forcing, reciprocal love rather than control, and, most importantly, faith that venturing into the unknown will result in happiness.

From a relationship standpoint, this unknown can be a divorce to start over, giving someone a chance who isn’t usually your type, accepting that you don’t have to keep tabs on an ex (e.g. through social media), admitting that maybe your timeline for marriage isn’t reasonable, or even embracing the single life.

The number one thing keeping people in survival mode is fear of the unknown. Once you start to trust yourself and venture into the unknown, you can let go of your past habits and form new and more helpful ones, habits that let you thrive instead of just survive.

As Joe Dispenza says (seriously, check out his book Becoming Supernatural):

To evolve your limited survival emotions, as an alchemist turns base metals like lead into gold, you are taking self-limiting emotions like anger, frustration, guilt, suffering, grief, and fear and turning them into elevated emotions, such as love, gratitude, and joy…—not to mention divinity itself, being moved by the spirit, trusting in the unknown or in the mystic or the healer within you.

So, look inside yourself and see where you need to embrace thriving, rather than simply surviving, especially in relationships. No one wants to live according to fear, anxiety, and suffering. Embrace the joyful unknown and free your creative energy to invent the life you want, including the relationship of your dreams!

Please join us on our Facebook page, where we are spending the year focusing on finding love! We’d love to have you join the discussion.
March 27, 2019
Setting Healthy Boundaries with an Ex: 3 Ways To Find Freedom

A guy I used to work with recently broke up with his girlfriend. He spends most of his days practically in tears. He can’t stop thinking about her and can’t hide the sadness. He constantly stalks her social media and sends her numerous text messages (to which she never replies). Setting healthy boundaries with an ex clearly isn’t his strong suit!

Another friend of mine has been divorced from her ex-husband for four years. She hates him and constantly complains about him. She always checks his social media to find reasons why he’s a jerk. When she drops off her child to visit him (he’s the dad), she’ll fight with him for no reason. Oh, did I mention that she has been re-married for a year?

These individuals seem very different on the surface. One is clearly sad and pining for an ex to return. The other is angry and has “moved on” with another person.

But, if you scratch the surface, you’ll see how similar they are: they’re still stuck on an ex. If you’re desperately pining for another person, you’re stuck. If you constantly talk about another person, even to express your hatred, you’re stuck.

In short, if you have strong feelings for an ex that frequently bubble to the surface (or explode), then, whether you like it or not, you’re still stuck on that person in some way. If your ex causes an emotionally neutral or mild reaction when you think of him or her, then, you can safely say that you’ve moved on.

Don’t fear, though! Even if you are stuck, you’re not doomed to be an emotional mess or never move on. But, to truly move forward and be happy, you’ll have to work on setting healthy boundaries with an ex.

Emotional Boundaries

You can’t help your emotions. You feel what you feel. But, you certainly can control what you do with your emotions. Many people feel an emotion and run with it so they end up feeling it more intensely, for longer, and more often.

According to the research of Candace Pert and others, it’s possible to be addicted to emotions, even the negative ones. So, in a strange way, you might derive some pleasure from the sadness, anger, and jealousy that you experience related to your ex.

You can help stop this negative emotional feedback loop by setting emotional boundaries. Again, you can’t stop yourself from feeling an emotion. But, you can find ways to manage what you feel and not prolong the pain.

A similar concept in Buddhism is the concept of the first and second dart. It relates to the pain of getting shot with an arrow. You can’t help the pain of the initial emotional pain (the first dart) because it’s automatic. But, you can help the situation greatly by not inflicting more emotional pain on yourself (the second dart).

For example, if you think of your ex-boyfriend and feel anger, you might normally run with the feeling, look at a photo on social media of him, and start going down the “rabbit hole” of looking at his Instagram photos and that of his current girlfriend. Ten minutes later, you’re just much more angry. A better option would be if you feel anger to go to YouTube and watch a funny video. Or, you could go for a walk. The key is to not inflict greater pain.

Setting emotional boundaries also means not letting your ex “play” you emotionally. For example, you don’t respond when he texts you every few weeks because he needs something. Or, you don’t take his calls when he wants to argue with you or emotionally unload. You protect yourself from his efforts to emotionally manipulate you.

Physical Boundaries

Many people maintain on and off again physical relationships with an ex. They might officially break up, but then meetup for sex or cuddles on occasion. This is a very bad idea if you truly want to set healthy boundaries with an ex.

Cuddling and sex cause the release of oxytocin in the brain, which is the chemical that bonds two people together. It even bonds mother and child. So, when you fool around physically with an ex you still love, your brain goes back to what it knows: bonding. All that work you did to keep emotionally separate from your ex goes out the window.

Even if you’re craving attention and touch, it’s not a good idea to go the easy route and hook up with an ex, especially if you both have different expectations for the experience.

In other words, if you think sex will bring you both back together, but he just sees it as a booty call, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Your brain will bond you more strongly to him, but he will just use you and be done.

If you’re feeling lonely or needing some kind of touch, hang out with friends or go get a massage. If you want a hookup desperately, it would be less emotionally scarring to just get on a dating app and see what happens.

Social Media Boundaries

Social media is one of the biggest stumbling blocks to setting healthy boundaries with an ex. It has forever changed the reality of getting over someone you loved or even still love. Why? Because you have constant access into the other person’s life.

And, to make matters worse, social media is often a giant lie. So, your ex might be crushed emotionally and barely functioning due to breakup pain. But, he can make his social media look like he’s living the dream. So, you look at his fake happiness and it makes you miserable…for real!

I’ve noticed with my coaching clients that social media is one of the biggest stumbling blocks to moving on after a relationship. It’s so easy to constantly check up on an ex, which brings back old feelings and creates new, often unhelpful ones.

You might need to block or unfriend an ex for your own sanity. If that isn’t practical or needed, then, at the very least, don’t stalk your ex’s social media. It only creates additional misery, as you’re probably well aware.

It might not be a bad idea just to get off of your phone for a while throughout the day too. Having instant access to your ex’s information can be very tempting. Instead, go for a hike, do yoga, workout, or walk your dog. It’s healthier anyway!

Setting these boundaries with your ex should help you truly move on. However, the biggest factor in moving on is often time. It heals a lot of the pain. The more the breakup recedes into the past and you move on with your life, the easier it will become.

This article is a part of our monthly discussion on getting over an ex. Check out our Facebook page to see more about this topic and many others that will help you find and keep love!

March 14, 2019
Limiting Relationships: How Family and Friends Keep You Single and Unhappy

The other day a friend of mine and I were out having dinner and we started talking to a group of women at the table next to us. He was really connecting with one of the women when she excused herself to go to the bathroom. It was clear that they liked each other.

While she was gone, her sister looked him straight in the eye and told him to “back off” from talking to her sister. Stunned at the rudeness, we turned around and started talking to ourselves. It wasn’t worth our time to deal with such a bad attitude from even one member of the group.

It turns out that the rude sister was having marriage troubles with her cheating, drug abusing husband. Rather than wanting her sister to possibly be happy with my friend (a good looking, successful, stand up guy), she chose to be petty. I can’t say what her motivations were exactly, but they weren’t noble.

I’ve seen this scenario so many times in my life when working with dating and relationship coaching clients: they are happy with someone, but friends, family, and others unnecessarily try to limit their relationship happiness through peer pressure and outright hostility.

A lot of this comes from a “crabs in a bucket” mentality. If you put crabs in a bucket, the other crabs will stop an individual’s effort at freedom, making sure all of them die. The crabs don’t do it to be “mean,” they just grab on anything to try to escape.

In human behavior, this refers to how less successful members of a group will try to bring down others who want to achieve greater success. It can also be called “misery loves company.” It explains why single friends and those in unhappy relationships might not really want you finding Mr. or Ms. Right.

But, it’s not just “crabs in a bucket” that causes people to disapprove of others finding love. It could be related to personal issues, prejudices, expectations, and cultural demands. So, an Asian woman might love a white guy who teaches history, but her mother insists that she date the wealthy Asian doctor even though the daughter feels nothing for him.

The biggest problem with these limiting relationships is that the person stopping you from finding love has good intentions or pretends to in order to advance their agenda. Above all, they have your trust and, in many cases, you want to please them. So, you might find it hard to ignore them or stand up to them.

Also, the efforts at limiting your love life can often be subtle or occur behind the scenes. So, you might not even know you’re being sabotaged.

I seriously doubt the woman from my opening story told her sister the absolute truth about why my friend went from friendly to ignoring her in the span of a bathroom break. The clueless sister might still think my friend was the rude and obnoxious one, not her own conniving flesh and blood!

If your friend is consistently single and you hang out with her often, what happens if you get into a relationship?

If your sister vents to you about her terrible husband and you suddenly have a great relationship, how would that make her feel?

If your snobby mom who wants you to marry a lawyer had to tell her friends at a cocktail party about your mechanic boyfriend, could she do it?

If you date a younger guy, how many of your friends with old-looking and old-acting guys are going to encourage you? More likely, they will laugh at you and tell you he’s a “boy toy,” even he may be more accomplished and mature than their partners.

Look at the facts and motivations of family members and friends behind the strong opinions and subtle hints about the man or woman you want to date. You might find it’s not all “good intentions” after all.

We’ve been looking at obstacles that might get in the way of finding love, touching on more obvious things like mindset and body language. But, family and friends can harm your efforts too and because you trust them, you’ll never see it coming.

Obviously family and friends are important and many times they can be counted on for good advice and help. But, be on the lookout for when it isn’t.

You have to live your life for you. Your controlling mom or overprotective father or unhappily married best friend won’t have to live with the results of perpetual loneliness or getting into a relationship with the wrong person.

Ultimately, if you want to find your soulmate, you have to be with the person you love and choose, not the one who meets the approval of every friend, co-worker, and fifth cousin thrice removed.

Take charge of your dating life this year and tell limiting friends, family, co-workers and others that you’re making your own choices. Not only will you be happier, but it will reveal your true supporters and those who truly love you. The ones just wanting control aren’t going to stick around.

Also, we would love it if you could come over to discuss this, and other issues related to finding love in 2019, on our Double Trust Dating Facebook Page!

February 27, 2019
Why A Limiting Mindset Is Sabotaging Your Love Life

“I can’t date younger people”

“What would my best friend think if I dated him? She wouldn’t approve!”

“He’s so amazing and hot, but he’s not as tall as I’m used to.”

“I really like her, but her family isn’t middle class and I’m not sure I can live with that.”

These are all indirect quotes I’ve heard in my over 8 years of working with dating/relationship and life coaching clients. In each case, the client wanted to be in a relationship and found the person in question attractive, but just couldn’t “get out of their own way!”

Attraction, at least the initial feeling, is almost completely irrational and happens in the older, emotional parts of the brain. When the hot guy or girl walks down the street, your brain just “reacts.”

Logic plays an important part in the attraction process, however. You might meet someone you find insanely attractive. But, that person has been in and out of prison and might be asking for money at that very moment. Logic would step in and say the attraction just isn’t worth it (although sometimes the attraction is so strong to flawed people, logic even fails).

However, there are times when you can use too much logic in dating. Usually, this happens due to the creation of various dating and relationship “rules” or philosophies that guide your dating life, whether consciously or subconsciously. These create a limiting mindset over time.

Some of these “rules” are cultural or learned from family and friends. An example would be “women can’t ask a guy out” or “you can’t date someone significantly older or younger.” Others are generalizations you’ve developed over time like “girls just don’t like nice guys” or “all men treat women like crap.”

Or, they could be self-created rules or things that you’ve convinced yourself you need to be happy. Examples might be “I need a guy at least 6 feet tall” or “I only match with petite girls.”

I’m all in favor of standards, even high ones. But, it’s also important to recognize that many rules, standards, and “facts” about dating have little to do with attraction, connection, and your happiness. Sometimes they represent a limiting mindset that will stop you from finding love.

Let’s look at the previous examples. Would a woman say on Tinder “swipe left if you’re under 182.88 centimeters?” That’s 6 feet in metric measurement, but it doesn’t quite roll off the tongue like 6 feet and seems ridiculously arbitrary. Likewise would a guy who supposedly only likes petite women turn down a date with a supermodel who is 6 feet tall and gorgeous? Probably not!

I’m not criticizing height or body type preferences, just noting that if the attraction is clearly there, making dating decisions according to an exact number or particular body type can be very limiting if it guides your dating decisions and excludes people you’d otherwise love.

Let’s look at cultural expectations too. if you think a woman can’t ask a guy out or that you have to date close to your age, you’re also greatly limiting your pool of available partners.

Again, if you feel the attraction and have the connection, a number on a birth certificate shouldn’t be your final consideration (well, make sure everything is legal). And, it’s silly to wait for a guy to ask you out when you could literally just say, “Do you want to grab coffee?”

The sweeping generalizations are some of the worst types of limiting thinking. They will negatively impact your entire dating experience. If you truly think all women hate good guys or that all men are horrible people, that attitude will be very obvious to everyone you attempt to date. And, it will stop most relationships before they start.

I would encourage you to take an honest look at yourself and find what’s limiting you. Look at your assumptions, choices, and beliefs about dating, relationships, and potential partners. What in there is actually hurting you rather than helping you?

Dating in the modern world can be difficult and tedious. Anyone who tries to find love will inevitably encounter obstacles. Never settle and go for the best! But, don’t make it harder by standing in your own way over things that don’t even really matter to you in the end.

This article is part of our “Find love in 2019” project, so please join us on our Facebook page to contribute to the discussion!

February 12, 2019
How To Get A Guy To Text You Back: A Guide For Women
When I first tried online dating, I met a girl who was cute and seemed interesting. After a few days of text message conversation, I felt like I was going to die…of boredom. Her good looks weren’t enough. Quality men (those with solid careers, good bodies, and incredible personalities) want more than than a pretty face. If you can’t show a man that you have a genuine personality, even over text, he’s going to find someone else, at least for a long term relationship.

Through texting and other forms of instant messaging like Instagram, WhatsApp, Facebook, and Snapchat, you can instantly connect with anyone throughout the world. Naturally, texting has been used extensively in dating and relationships and it can make or break your chances of finding love.

In the past, I’ve mostly helped guys with their texting questions and problems. Now, I’m going to share advice for women. Drawing on my experience as a dating coach (and man), here are my favorite tips explaining how to get a guy to text you back.

Getting the creeps and low quality guys to respond isn’t difficult. This article will focus on getting the attention of those attractive, quality guys in your life.

Command His Attention

High quality guys want to be with attractive, interesting women. Keep in mind, attractive is a broad quality that includes physical looks, but also personality, and intelligence. You don’t have to be a model, but you do have to care. If you want a guy to give you his time and attention over text, you have to be worth his efforts.

Attractive men have many dating options (as do attractive women). If you want him to text you regularly, you have to show him you’re special enough to warrant his time and energy. A quality man is successful and busy. He’s not going to devote extra energy texting someone he doesn’t consider to be worth it.

The good news, however, is that most guys are happy with a woman who is generally pretty, engaging, friendly, and sweet with a good personality. You don’t have to travel the world, have a great job, or be a model to command his attention. But, you do need to be engaging and interesting. Research by The League, a dating app, showed that being boring or bland was the number one factor that led to guys ignoring women over text.

And, if you truly like him romantically, be flirty and tease a little. Get his hormones going. Creating a raw sense of passion within him is a quick way to command his immediate attention!

Reach Out To Him

My typical day involves getting up at 5:20am, working for around 9 hours, then running or the gym for about an hour. Then, at least 4-5 days a week, I’ll see friends or go to some kind of networking event. After that, it’s bedtime. Throw in appointments and other obligations and I have very little downtime.

If you suspect that he’s busy or has a lot going on in his life, then reach out and try to start a conversation if he stopped responding. You don’t always need to know how to get a guy to text you back, if you engage him first. Also, if he is slow with replies, don’t stress too much if you know he’s busy.

Also, you may have to take the lead with a guy who is shy or doesn’t know you well. By messaging him and reconnecting, it could be the spark needed to let him know you like him and start a great relationship.

You might be reluctant to reach out to him, thinking it’s the man’s job. However, men like it when women reach out to them. An OKCupid study showed that women who reached out to men on the app connected with higher quality men overall.

The same applies to texting. Better to reach out to a winner than sit back and be annoyed by all the losers and creeps who have the excess free time to constantly message “hey” and “what’s up?”

Be Casual And Personal

When he does text you, make sure to create a conversation where he will want to respond. I’ve found that the best way is to send casual, yet personal texts. Don’t just say “hey” or talk about the weather. Definitely don’t lecture him for not replying.

I usually recommend a couple of ways to get replies. First, send him a text that creates an incentive to reply. For example, if he’s into running, tell him that you saw a race you think he’d like. If he enjoys a certain band, mention an upcoming concert. This makes him invested in giving a response.

If you don’t have anything to create an incentive, text him that you saw something that reminded you of him. His curiosity will make him respond. Of course, find something that actually does remind you of him first!

Unless he is totally not interested in you, these two types of texts should get him back to texting you.

Be Engaging And Fun

If guys don’t message you back often, then you might not be very engaging or fun. That woman I mention in my first paragraph of the article was boring because she only responded with one or two words, never started conversations, and didn’t make an effort.

When he does reply, try to be engaging and have a good time. This will make sure that you hook him in and get him interested. He’ll be excited to text you and want to get back to you quickly.

Here are a few ways you can be engaging and fun:
- Respond in full sentences
- Initiate conversations, not just reply to him
- Use emojis
- Respond in a timely manner
- Be funny and flirty, rather than negative and complaining
- Don’t always focus on serious topics
- Send sexy/teasing photos
If you follow these guidelines, you’ll have no trouble getting a guy to text you back. In addition, all of this will make a guy more likely to consider you a good texting partner and want to keep a conversation going with you for a long time.
May 18, 2018
How To Get Over A Toxic Relationship- 4 Tips To Find Your Freedom

During my time as a teacher and addiction counselor, I saw more than my fair share of toxic relationships. As an outside observer, the evidence was clear. However, those in the relationship were blinded by “love” and couldn’t see (or want to see) the truth.

If you love a toxic man or woman, it doesn’t make you weird or stupid. It makes you normal. Attraction and love don’t occur in our logical brains. So, when you saw that tall, handsome bad boy with a motorcycle, your limbic brain overwhelmed you with pleasure chemicals. You bonded before you even knew it.

Then, the reality hit hard: lying, cheating, abuse, and other dysfunctional behaviors. Next thing you know you’re broken up, in tears, and wondering how to get over a toxic relationship. You still have feelings and it’s very frustrating.

I’ve written this article to help others escape the pain and get over a toxic relationship–whether it’s an ex wife, husband, boyfriend, or girlfriend–and move on! Kick those toxic exes to the curb for good and find your freedom.

Progress, Not Perfection

Since the good feelings for your jerk ex are literally embedded in your brain wiring, realize that you might never truly “get over” him or her. You will probably still have good memories and contradictory feelings. And, that’s OK.

Focus on progress, not perfection. As long as you’re moving forward in new relationships, thinking about him or her less and less, not stalking on social media, and so on, you’re doing the right thing and finding your freedom.

Sometimes it takes years to cleanse a toxic element from your body or another environment. Look at your old toxic marriage, engagement, or relationship the same way: it might take awhile to fully detox. And, that’s OK. Don’t beat yourself up.

Block Them From Your Life

If you’ve ever had a cut or scratch, you’ll know that the best way to get it to heal is to cover it up and leave it alone. If you’re trying to get over a toxic relationship, you’ll need to keep those emotional wounds closed too.

Stay away from your ex and block him or her on social media. It might be difficult, but reconnecting or stalking will only create more heartache and prolong the process of healing. This article explains how to block people on various social media sites. The first step to healing is to get your toxic ex out of your life forever!

Focus on Yourself

People in toxic relationships usually need a man or woman to be happy or feel complete. In other words, their happiness and even reason for living are dependent on others. This is called co-dependency and if you are co-dependent, it will lead to you from one toxic relationship to another.

Not only are most people in toxic relationships or marriages co-dependent, but they have a hard time seeing it. They’ve aged prematurely, gotten on medications or illegal drugs to cope, watched their health decline, and gave up their hobbies to focus on a man or woman. They’ve even lost family and friends over their poor relationship choices.

If you’re trying to get over a toxic relationship, pursue self-improvement and self-care activities. Get healthy, workout, take a class, go to the spa, or take up meditation. .

Think about yourself first! If you think that sounds selfish, remember being in most toxic relationships involve putting yourself last. Self-improvement and self-care are an antidote to your old way of thinking.

Enjoy Being Single

Since your toxic romance involved being too focused on being in a relationship, the key in knowing how to get over a toxic relationship involves learning to actually…wait for it…enjoy being single. This is especially true if you’ve gone from one dysfunctional relationship to another.

Embrace your hobbies and what you love, whether it’s cooking, movies, shopping, or anything fun. Don’t be looking to meet someone. Instead, enjoy life without being tied down to a partner. Detoxing from relationships in general will cause you to stop being so desperate when you do decide to date. It might be hard to not be rushing into a new romance. But, resist the urge!

Lean On Family And Friends

A good friend of mine was in a toxic relationship and she practically disappeared from the planet. Her boyfriend kept her under his total control, his jealousy making her cut off all contact with friends and most contact with family.

When she finally got the courage to dump him, she felt ashamed of her behavior and isolated herself. She dealt with the pain of breaking up alone.

Likely, you’re in a similar situation, having ignored family and friends to immerse yourself in a toxic partner. And, you feel shame at having to reach out to loved ones. However, don’t let that stop you from contacting others. Your family and friends can be vital supports as you move on from a toxic relationship.

Stay Busy

Ending a relationship can be very painful. Even if you knew it was for the best, your brain can put you through hell. Believe it or not, scientists have actually discovered there are symptoms of breaking up, many of which mimic physical conditions!

As you go through the pain, you might sit around thinking of your toxic ex all day, ignoring the abuse and problems and focusing on the loss and hurt. But, that isn’t healthy. The best way to get over a toxic relationship is to keep busy as much as possible.

Get out of the house, join a volleyball league, go to the movies with friends, take up yoga, have a girl’s night out. Just do something positive and do it often.

Time Heals

It might seem hard to believe, but, over time, the feelings of attraction and love will fade. The longer you can rebuild other relationships, keep busy, work on yourself, and stay away from your toxic ex, it’ll all get easier.

As the ancient wisdom says, “this too shall pass.” Those terrible feelings will, with time, go away.

I know many people who have had pain in their past when ending toxic marriages and relationships. But, they now look back and realize they made the right choice. They fought through the pain to be stronger people.

You too will make it and your life and future relationships will be better. In a few months, when your toxic relationship is in the rear view mirror, you’ll be much happier.

May 16, 2018