A bride texts her ex-boyfriend (a jobless heroin addict) on her wedding day
A divorced woman abruptly leaves a date to call her ex-husband to yell at him over a custody violation involving their daughter
A man cancels a first date because his ex-girlfriend changed her relationship status on Facebook
These are all true stories and I could tell about fifty more. In fact, I was inspired to write this article because a client contacted me and told me that a girl he was dating stopped messaging as often. When he asked what was wrong, she said she was “having ex troubles.”
He couldn’t believe that someone who had only hours ago expressed how much she liked him could suddenly seem so distant all because of an ex from months ago.
David already talked about the science of being stuck on an ex but in this article I’m going to talk about how your ex can sabotage your dating efforts. But, it’s not in the way that you think.
Sure, some exes will actively try to stop you from dating in a very direct way. These are the crazy ones who might threaten your dates, constantly pester you when they think you’re out, or use things like custody arguments to keep you focused on the past.
But, in most cases, exes keep you dateless in a totally different way. They’re stuck in your head and they live there “rent free” 24/7. And, that leaves very little room for your brain to find, bond with, and get into a relationship with someone else.
And, even if you’re dating or in a relationship, your attachment to your ex can create massive problems. Take my client, for example. He’s a successful guy with dating options. His attraction to this new woman won’t last very long if he feels she’s too emotionally invested in her ex.
Exes can mess up your dating life in several ways. Here are a few of them.
Constant Comparison
One of the most subtle ways that an ex can hinder you from meeting someone new is that you constantly compare the new man or woman to your ex. And, rarely can anyone new measure up to the image you’ve created in your head of your ex.
You likely have incredible and passionate memories with an ex. It could be years and years worth of them and they usually involve sexual bonding. You look at your ex through the lens of dopamine, oxytocin and a host of other “feel good” brain chemicals.
Your logical brain wants to move on and sees your ex as bad news. But, your emotional brain overrides the logic.
That poor man or woman in front of you on a date simply can’t compete with the years of brain chemicals attached to your ex no matter how attractive, successful, and “good for you” he or she might be.
Stalking and Overthinking
I know people who constantly check up on their exes. Maybe you’re one of them. They check their ex’s Twitter, Instagram, and other social media constantly. And, when they do that, they overthink and it can adversely impact their entire mood.
For example, if your ex suddenly goes private you might be crushed for days. Or, if you see a change in relationship, you might get jealous, sad, or hopeful. You could even look at every post or photo for a sign of how your ex really feels.
The issue here is that you’re still consumed with your ex and constantly think about him or her. If you have the time and emotional energy to focus on your ex to such a degree, guess what becomes difficult? Meeting, bonding with, and getting into a relationship with someone new.
Constant “What If” Thinking
My acquaintance who was texting her heroin addicted ex-boyfriend on her wedding day clearly wasn’t over him. She was a doctor (yes, true story) and could never have married an unemployed addict. So, she did what her family wanted and married a guy who looked good on paper, but for whom she felt nothing.
That marriage ended a year later (no surprise), but it shows another way exes can control people’s present and future: “what if” thinking.
Clearly this woman wished she could have been with her ex, but knew it was socially impossible. Yet, she still kept the fire burning, even if it meant random and inappropriate text messaging.
This “what if” thinking about exes is way more common than you might think. It happens when an ex is married to someone else, is socially unacceptable to date (e.g. an addict, a criminal), lives a long distance away, etc. So, people try to move on and date new people. But, the ex is still in their heads.
Sometimes this leads to behavior like reaching out to the ex or cheating, but most times it just occurs in silence as the person tries to move on, but secretly longs for the old flame. But, it keeps them from dating new people or fully embracing a new relationship.
Stop the Sabotage
How do you get an ex out of your head and stop him or her from sabotaging your dating life and future relationships? Unfortunately, it’s not always an easy fix. As I mentioned earlier, your feelings for your ex come from years of brain wiring and chemistry that can be difficult to fully erase.
A phrase I love is “you are what you focus on.” This means that the most powerful way to change your life is to change your focus, moving beyond thought patterns to actions. So, you can stop stalking your ex, force yourself to go out on dates with men and women you know you like, and give them a chance to prove themselves.
Gradually, over time, you can shift your focus from your past ex to new experiences with new people. Even if you don’t meet anyone new, you can still change your focus by exploring hobbies that interest you and doing what you love.
This relates a lot to the concept of mindfulness, which is paying attention in the present. By consistently living in the present and putting your focus there, you can unshackle yourself from the past.
Mindfulness isn’t easy, but the more you notice the world around you and enjoy every moment, the less tethered you’ll be to your ex.
Finally, you can set boundaries. If your ex bothers you or tries to get back in your life, you can block him or her. If you’re constantly stalking an ex’s social media, unfollow them and block. If you are looking at old photos on your phone or focused on physical mementos, then delete and discard. Constantly focusing on your ex only reinforces past feelings.
You might never fully “get over” your ex, which is fine. But, at the very least, you can evict your ex from your head and move on with your life. That includes being happy with yourself and finding a great relationship.
David made a video using a proven technique to make emotional change called EFT that can help you get over your ex. We would love you to try it! The video is below.
As a guy I can tell you that there’s nothing better than waking up, checking your phone, and receiving a fun, flirty, sexy, or loving “good morning” text.
“I’m so grateful for you.”
These planning texts (for lack of a better phrase) are designed to plan an event or express your anticipation of something you’ve already planned (like a date).
There is a lot written about “dating down” on the internet, probably because it’s pretty easy to tell when you’re dating beneath you. However, there isn’t as much on “dating up.” In fact, the whole concept is surrounded by an aura of impossibility.
It can mean dating someone older, with more education, greater stability, and in a higher class. But, don’t count out the person who has age, maturity, and money seeing dating up as being with someone younger, more carefree, and unconcerned with material possessions.
Fourth, believe in yourself. If you feel like you can’t compete with people who are out of your league, that attitude won’t get you anywhere. Even if you do date up, you’re going to feel self-conscious and inferior. Focus on your good qualities and why you deserve the best.
Thousands upon thousands of articles have been written about red flags and why not to date someone. However, I’ve discovered that constantly looking for red flags can actually be counterproductive.
I once went on a date with a woman who ordered drinks and left a whopping tip of ten cents. She definitely had the money to give more, but refused. To me that said a lot. And, sure enough, 
A friend of mine dated a guy who would never share how he was feeling. He said it wasn’t manly and just clammed up when she’d ask him. Of course, his feelings were obvious when he’d get agitated over something small and explode in rage every couple of months or so.
When I worked in retail one summer, I got to know an older employee who had worked at the company for nearly twenty years. She was sweet and kind.
“I don’t feel a lot of passion for him, but I like that he is stable and reliable.”
The most important sign you’re settling in an unhappy relationship? You’re just not happy with your partner. You try to be happy. You convince yourself that you’re happy. You post happy photos on social media…but you aren’t.
One of the most common complaints I hear from my clients is that there is no one for them to date. Firstly, most of them have tried online dating and hate it. They can’t stand the scammers, liars, fakes, flakes, and general mentality.
When many people think about “random approaches” they envision a witty opener followed by perfectly rehearsed dialog. While that can be a plus, more often than not it comes across as canned and awkward.
Most people receive very little meaningful positive feedback throughout the day. Sure, they might get social media likes and online attention.
Imagine a new world of dating where:
That cute guy you’ve never seen online after months on Tinder? You can say “hi” at the Starbucks counter. The girl who filtered you out on Match because you didn’t make enough money? You can flirt with her while ordering drinks at the bar. Your future soulmate? He or she could be anyone of the the hundreds of people you encounter, but ignore on a regular basis!
Also, the more you try it, the better you’ll become at meeting new people in the real world. And, you won’t be rejected. Trust me, going on a date with someone you met and asked out in the real world is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
Dating profiles run the gamut from amazing to painful. The amazing ones are the people you’d like to date, while the painful ones can elicit a left swipe and hopefully a good laugh (unless, of course, you’re the one with a painfully bad profile). But, most of the profiles are in what could be called the “boring middle.”
I’ve done numerous personal experiments with online dating and I can tell you that most profiles look almost exactly alike. Sure, the photos and wording differ slightly, but people generally follow the same motifs. I’m sure you’ve noticed this too.
Most people are understanding of things like work, family, and travel commitments. But, if they get the impression that you have no room in your life for them, they aren’t going to favor you over the hundreds of other people on the app who actually express that they have the time and energy to commit to dating.
A friend of mine recently showed me his interaction with several women on Bumble that went nowhere. He asked what he did wrong and wanted help reviving the convsersations. The reality was that he was funny, engaging, and showed genuine curiosity. But, I’d summarize the conversation of his matches as “boring, bordering on rude.”
Finally, people simply 
I enjoy telling the story of a woman who gave her list of requirements to local matchmakers who are my friends. He had to own a new car (last two years only), couldn’t be under six feet tall, and had to make at least six figures. Most ridiculously of all, he must never have urinated outdoors. Based on her last “requirement” alone, she could never date any man on planet earth.