Category: Dating

A guy I used to work with recently broke up with his girlfriend. He spends most of his days practically in tears. He can’t stop thinking about her and can’t hide the sadness. He constantly stalks her social media and sends her numerous text messages (to which she never replies). Setting healthy boundaries with an ex clearly isn’t his strong suit!

Another friend of mine has been divorced from her ex-husband for four years. She hates him and constantly complains about him. She always checks his social media to find reasons why he’s a jerk. When she drops off her child to visit him (he’s the dad), she’ll fight with him for no reason. Oh, did I mention that she has been re-married for a year?

These individuals seem very different on the surface. One is clearly sad and pining for an ex to return. The other is angry and has “moved on” with another person.

But, if you scratch the surface, you’ll see how similar they are: they’re still stuck on an ex. If you’re desperately pining for another person, you’re stuck. If you constantly talk about another person, even to express your hatred, you’re stuck.

In short, if you have strong feelings for an ex that frequently bubble to the surface (or explode), then, whether you like it or not, you’re still stuck on that person in some way. If your ex causes an emotionally neutral or mild reaction when you think of him or her, then, you can safely say that you’ve moved on.

Don’t fear, though! Even if you are stuck, you’re not doomed to be an emotional mess or never move on. But, to truly move forward and be happy, you’ll have to work on setting healthy boundaries with an ex.

Emotional Boundaries

You can’t help your emotions. You feel what you feel. But, you certainly can control what you do with your emotions. Many people feel an emotion and run with it so they end up feeling it more intensely, for longer, and more often.

According to the research of Candace Pert and others, it’s possible to be addicted to emotions, even the negative ones. So, in a strange way, you might derive some pleasure from the sadness, anger, and jealousy that you experience related to your ex.

You can help stop this negative emotional feedback loop by setting emotional boundaries. Again, you can’t stop yourself from feeling an emotion. But, you can find ways to manage what you feel and not prolong the pain.

A similar concept in Buddhism is the concept of the first and second dart. It relates to the pain of getting shot with an arrow. You can’t help the pain of the initial emotional pain (the first dart) because it’s automatic. But, you can help the situation greatly by not inflicting more emotional pain on yourself (the second dart).

For example, if you think of your ex-boyfriend and feel anger, you might normally run with the feeling, look at a photo on social media of him, and start going down the “rabbit hole” of looking at his Instagram photos and that of his current girlfriend. Ten minutes later, you’re just much more angry. A better option would be if you feel anger to go to YouTube and watch a funny video. Or, you could go for a walk. The key is to not inflict greater pain.

Setting emotional boundaries also means not letting your ex “play” you emotionally. For example, you don’t respond when he texts you every few weeks because he needs something. Or, you don’t take his calls when he wants to argue with you or emotionally unload. You protect yourself from his efforts to emotionally manipulate you.

Physical Boundaries

Many people maintain on and off again physical relationships with an ex. They might officially break up, but then meetup for sex or cuddles on occasion. This is a very bad idea if you truly want to set healthy boundaries with an ex.

Cuddling and sex cause the release of oxytocin in the brain, which is the chemical that bonds two people together. It even bonds mother and child. So, when you fool around physically with an ex you still love, your brain goes back to what it knows: bonding. All that work you did to keep emotionally separate from your ex goes out the window.

Even if you’re craving attention and touch, it’s not a good idea to go the easy route and hook up with an ex, especially if you both have different expectations for the experience.

In other words, if you think sex will bring you both back together, but he just sees it as a booty call, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Your brain will bond you more strongly to him, but he will just use you and be done.

If you’re feeling lonely or needing some kind of touch, hang out with friends or go get a massage. If you want a hookup desperately, it would be less emotionally scarring to just get on a dating app and see what happens.

Social Media Boundaries

Social media is one of the biggest stumbling blocks to setting healthy boundaries with an ex. It has forever changed the reality of getting over someone you loved or even still love. Why? Because you have constant access into the other person’s life.

And, to make matters worse, social media is often a giant lie. So, your ex might be crushed emotionally and barely functioning due to breakup pain. But, he can make his social media look like he’s living the dream. So, you look at his fake happiness and it makes you miserable…for real!

I’ve noticed with my coaching clients that social media is one of the biggest stumbling blocks to moving on after a relationship. It’s so easy to constantly check up on an ex, which brings back old feelings and creates new, often unhelpful ones.

You might need to block or unfriend an ex for your own sanity. If that isn’t practical or needed, then, at the very least, don’t stalk your ex’s social media. It only creates additional misery, as you’re probably well aware.

It might not be a bad idea just to get off of your phone for a while throughout the day too. Having instant access to your ex’s information can be very tempting. Instead, go for a hike, do yoga, workout, or walk your dog. It’s healthier anyway!

Setting these boundaries with your ex should help you truly move on. However, the biggest factor in moving on is often time. It heals a lot of the pain. The more the breakup recedes into the past and you move on with your life, the easier it will become.

This article is a part of our monthly discussion on getting over an ex. Check out our Facebook page to see more about this topic and many others that will help you find and keep love!

The other day a friend of mine and I were out having dinner and we started talking to a group of women at the table next to us. He was really connecting with one of the women when she excused herself to go to the bathroom. It was clear that they liked each other.

While she was gone, her sister looked him straight in the eye and told him to “back off” from talking to her sister. Stunned at the rudeness, we turned around and started talking to ourselves. It wasn’t worth our time to deal with such a bad attitude from even one member of the group.

It turns out that the rude sister was having marriage troubles with her cheating, drug abusing husband. Rather than wanting her sister to possibly be happy with my friend (a good looking, successful, stand up guy), she chose to be petty. I can’t say what her motivations were exactly, but they weren’t noble.

I’ve seen this scenario so many times in my life when working with dating and relationship coaching clients: they are happy with someone, but friends, family, and others unnecessarily try to limit their relationship happiness through peer pressure and outright hostility.

A lot of this comes from a “crabs in a bucket” mentality. If you put crabs in a bucket, the other crabs will stop an individual’s effort at freedom, making sure all of them die. The crabs don’t do it to be “mean,” they just grab on anything to try to escape.

In human behavior, this refers to how less successful members of a group will try to bring down others who want to achieve greater success. It can also be called “misery loves company.” It explains why single friends and those in unhappy relationships might not really want you finding Mr. or Ms. Right.

But, it’s not just “crabs in a bucket” that causes people to disapprove of others finding love. It could be related to personal issues, prejudices, expectations, and cultural demands. So, an Asian woman might love a white guy who teaches history, but her mother insists that she date the wealthy Asian doctor even though the daughter feels nothing for him.

The biggest problem with these limiting relationships is that the person stopping you from finding love has good intentions or pretends to in order to advance their agenda. Above all, they have your trust and, in many cases, you want to please them. So, you might find it hard to ignore them or stand up to them.

Also, the efforts at limiting your love life can often be subtle or occur behind the scenes. So, you might not even know you’re being sabotaged.

I seriously doubt the woman from my opening story told her sister the absolute truth about why my friend went from friendly to ignoring her in the span of a bathroom break. The clueless sister might still think my friend was the rude and obnoxious one, not her own conniving flesh and blood!

If your friend is consistently single and you hang out with her often, what happens if you get into a relationship?

If your sister vents to you about her terrible husband and you suddenly have a great relationship, how would that make her feel?

If your snobby mom who wants you to marry a lawyer had to tell her friends at a cocktail party about your mechanic boyfriend, could she do it?

If you date a younger guy, how many of your friends with old-looking and old-acting guys are going to encourage you? More likely, they will laugh at you and tell you he’s a “boy toy,” even he may be more accomplished and mature than their partners.

Look at the facts and motivations of family members and friends behind the strong opinions and subtle hints about the man or woman you want to date. You might find it’s not all “good intentions” after all.

We’ve been looking at obstacles that might get in the way of finding love, touching on more obvious things like mindset and body language. But, family and friends can harm your efforts too and because you trust them, you’ll never see it coming.

Obviously family and friends are important and many times they can be counted on for good advice and help. But, be on the lookout for when it isn’t.

You have to live your life for you. Your controlling mom or overprotective father or unhappily married best friend won’t have to live with the results of perpetual loneliness or getting into a relationship with the wrong person.

Ultimately, if you want to find your soulmate, you have to be with the person you love and choose, not the one who meets the approval of every friend, co-worker, and fifth cousin thrice removed.

Take charge of your dating life this year and tell limiting friends, family, co-workers and others that you’re making your own choices. Not only will you be happier, but it will reveal your true supporters and those who truly love you. The ones just wanting control aren’t going to stick around.

Also, we would love it if you could come over to discuss this, and other issues related to finding love in 2019, on our Double Trust Dating Facebook Page!

You can’t stop thinking about him. In your mind, he’s the perfect guy. You’ve stared at for months at work. He has the sweetest smile and everyone loves him. One day, he finally visits your department! And, when is walking by…you freeze and cross your arms.

Then you see him walk into the gym! He looks so good in that tank top. As he walks by you later, he tries to make eye contact, but you’re staring into your phone with headphones on and don’t even notice him.

So, what’s the end of this amazing romance story? He dates someone else and thinks you aren’t interested in him.

When I was dateless, I couldn’t figure out why finding love was so hard! Inside of my head, I was confident, attractive, open, and fun.

The problem is that had you asked those around me what I was like, the answers would have been closer to thinking I was insecure, unattractive, closed off, and boring.

My social reality unfolded not based on how I felt inside, but based on how I came across. And, your social reality is the same way.

You are how you come across.

I first became aware of this in 2010, after studying body language. For the first time ever, it hit me that maybe the messages others were receiving were different than the message I was intending to send out. And, I realized that even if I wasn’t purposely sending a message out, people were nonetheless getting a message no matter what.

I saw this in action as a teacher that same time period. A student came up and said “you always look so angry sitting at your desk.” The funny thing was that I was never angry. I was mainly just focused and occasionally zoning out while working at my computer.

But, coming across as angry was the message they got, and that is all that mattered for social interaction.

So, you may think you’re just sitting in the corner at the bar quietly. But people think you’re angry and unapproachable. You may even be staring at your phone just passing the time until someone talks to you, but the people thinking about talking to you think you’re busy (and probably assume you’re talking to a significant other).

You’re just enjoying your favorite music with your headphones in all day, but those cute guys think it means you don’t want to be bothered.

You may think you’re just being contemplative, but everyone else sees a “resting bitch face.”

You may cross your arms and look away when your crush walks by because you’re so nervous, but he thinks you can’t stand him.

Let me explain why all of this matters in a romantic context, especially for women.

Believe it or not, women actually initiate interactions with most guys. Now, by “initiate” I don’t mean that they walk up and open the conversation. They initiate by giving subtle cues that they are open to being approached.

These cues can include smiling, crossing their legs toward the guy, playing with their hair, and leaning into him. These cues tell a guy “you have a green light! Now get to work approaching me!”

However, men can get confused easily, in part because many men are reluctant to bother women (this is even more so in the #metoo era).

Also, it’s because women send out a lot of “red light” cues, such as being quiet, looking away, staring at their phones, having headphones in, not smiling, and freezing when approached. Many of these actions may not even be intended to send out a “red light” cue, but guys interpret them that way.

You may say “oh come on! Guys just need to get the hint and talk to me!” And, while we agree this is true, a lot of guys are bad at reading social cues, and many guys are deathly afraid of talking to a random woman. So, unless you give them a very large green light, they won’t approach.

So, think about how others, particularly guys, see you. Do you come across as available and open to interaction, or do you come across as the human equivalent of a brick wall?

One way to do this is when you’re trying to meet someone, or around someone you really like, focus on becoming more open in your body language. This includes purposely smiling, leaning toward them, and even avoiding crossing your arms. It also may involve pulling out your headphones or putting your phone down more often when out in public.

Please join us in our discussion related to finding love in 2019 on our Facebook page!