Category: Relationships

When we’re young, love is fun and exciting. I remember the first time I ever held hands with a girl. It was in seventh grade, in a dark movie theater. It was electrifying. I had a bit of a crush on Laura, and I talked about it for days after. Of course my buddies gave me a hard time for not kissing her as well. They jokingly called me pollo del cine, “chicken of the movie theater.” Well at least they found some use for the Spanish we were learning.

I also remember my first kiss, first time cuddling, first time making out, and so forth. Back then love was magical, and despite the ups-and-downs, I enjoyed it. It was a love that wasn’t really defined by rules, checklists, and dealbreakers. I didn’t have to be in complete control so much. Why do people seem to hate dating so much? Why do they seem to get into relationships where they are miserable?

I think part of the reason why so many people hate dating these days, and get into so many subpar, settling relationships, lies with all the ridiculous rules, standards, and dealbreakers people profess to have these days.

And, it is particularly bad precisely because most dating advice from experts and family members encourages the adoption of increasingly strict rules and dealbreakers.

Can you imagine if I treated my junior high and high school relationships this way?? It might look like this.

“Well I would hold Laura’s hand, but she isn’t on the college track, and she might be moving to a different school in June, so I’ll pass.”

“I can’t date Brooke because even though we like each other I think she is center-left politically and I only date center-right people.”

“Even though I like Chrissy, I shouldn’t, because I only date girls who are between 5’0″ and 5’3. And we are in the same class and if we break up it could be awkward.”

You may laugh at my examples, but this is exactly what many modern daters do. They come up with these crazy rules and standards that they think will bring them the perfect partner, but just bring them misery.

Here’s why.

For one, research shows that what people think they want in a partner is different from what they actually want. A lot of people just don’t know what kind of partner they actually want. So, you’re following all these rules and standards that may not even reflect what you actually want! It’s like someone meticulously following a map to nowhere.

Also, many of these rules lead to conventional relationships that look great on paper and look perfect to friends and relatives, but that are horribly boring. This is why many people, women in particular, end up partnering up with people who do nothing for them. They choose a guy based on all the rules and standards they set (“he must have graduated from college, have a good job, be over 6 foot, etc”) but they actually find themselves fantasizing about a guy who meets none of the standards!

I say “women in particular” because let’s be honest, most guys have the standard of “she must be pretty and not completely crazy.” And for many guys, their only rule is the woman must have a pulse! So, it’s pretty easy for most  guys to follow the rules they impose on themselves. However, some guys truly do have ridiculous rules in their head.

Let’s take some common dating rules that people impose. One is you can’t date someone much younger. I hear this from women all the time. A 30-something woman connects with a 20-something guy and she starts flipping out and even feeling guilty. She likes him. The sex is great. But, her “rule” is that he is out of her age range. So, not only does she stress about it, but she may actually stop dating the guy to date someone else who meets her arbitrary “rule,” but whom she actually likes less than the younger guy!

Another “rule” I hear is that a guy must have a college degree or must make a certain amount of money. This “rule” is problematic for multiple reasons. For one, more women than men have college degrees. So, this creates a shortage of college-educated men. Second, I have seen women connect with a smart, handsome, and funny guy without a degree, but pass him up for a boring, dumb, uglier guy with a degree, simply because of that degree.

Another problem with these “rules” and “standards” is that they actually get in the way of a real love connection. For example, women swipe right only 4.5% of the time on Tinder. Imagine if this rate was true outside of Tinder: most women would be single and lonely.

Imagine how many crushes and deep connections haven’t happened because of self-imposed rules. The boss you crushed on forever that you still think about? He’s too old and too short based on your standards. That weirdly cute nerdy guy you loved from your college class? His politics are different from yours and that’s a “dealbreaker.” The girl you still think about from your summer internship a few years ago? She doesn’t have the same hobbies as you and you can “only date women who share your interests.”

Your rules may be helpful, or they may not be. If you are lamenting that despite having a lot of matches and dates, you just aren’t finding the right person, then your “rules” and “standards” probably need reevaluated and maybe even thrown out. If you also can’t meet anybody and are lonely, then that could be another sign your rules are pointless.

So, go out there and be a rebel. Break some of your own rules. You may find the result is love, and freedom from your self-imposed tyranny.

A bride texts her ex-boyfriend (a jobless heroin addict) on her wedding day

A divorced woman abruptly leaves a date to call her ex-husband to yell at him over a custody violation involving their daughter

A man cancels a first date because his ex-girlfriend changed her relationship status on Facebook

These are all true stories and I could tell about fifty more. In fact, I was inspired to write this article because a client contacted me and told me that a girl he was dating stopped messaging as often. When he asked what was wrong, she said she was “having ex troubles.”

He couldn’t believe that someone who had only hours ago expressed how much she liked him could suddenly seem so distant all because of an ex from months ago.

David already talked about the science of being stuck on an ex but in this article I’m going to talk about how your ex can sabotage your dating efforts. But, it’s not in the way that you think.

Sure, some exes will actively try to stop you from dating in a very direct way. These are the crazy ones who might threaten your dates, constantly pester you when they think you’re out, or use things like custody arguments to keep you focused on the past.

But, in most cases, exes keep you dateless in a totally different way. They’re stuck in your head and they live there “rent free” 24/7. And, that leaves very little room for your brain to find, bond with, and get into a relationship with someone else.

And, even if you’re dating or in a relationship, your attachment to your ex can create massive problems. Take my client, for example. He’s a successful guy with dating options. His attraction to this new woman won’t last very long if he feels she’s too emotionally invested in her ex.

Exes can mess up your dating life in several ways. Here are a few of them.

Constant Comparison

One of the most subtle ways that an ex can hinder you from meeting someone new is that you constantly compare the new man or woman to your ex. And, rarely can anyone new measure up to the image you’ve created in your head of your ex.

You likely have incredible and passionate memories with an ex. It could be years and years worth of them and they usually involve sexual bonding. You look at your ex through the lens of dopamine, oxytocin and a host of other “feel good” brain chemicals.

Your logical brain wants to move on and sees your ex as bad news. But, your emotional brain overrides the logic.

That poor man or woman in front of you on a date simply can’t compete with the years of brain chemicals attached to your ex no matter how attractive, successful, and “good for you” he or she might be.

Stalking and Overthinking

I know people who constantly check up on their exes. Maybe you’re one of them. They check their ex’s Twitter, Instagram, and other social media constantly. And, when they do that, they overthink and it can adversely impact their entire mood.

For example, if your ex suddenly goes private you might be crushed for days. Or, if you see a change in relationship, you might get jealous, sad, or hopeful. You could even look at every post or photo for a sign of how your ex really feels.

The issue here is that you’re still consumed with your ex and constantly think about him or her. If you have the time and emotional energy to focus on your ex to such a degree, guess what becomes difficult? Meeting, bonding with, and getting into a relationship with someone new.

Constant “What If” Thinking

My acquaintance who was texting her heroin addicted ex-boyfriend on her wedding day clearly wasn’t over him. She was a doctor (yes, true story) and could never have married an unemployed addict. So, she did what her family wanted and married a guy who looked good on paper, but for whom she felt nothing.

That marriage ended a year later (no surprise), but it shows another way exes can control people’s present and future: “what if” thinking.

Clearly this woman wished she could have been with her ex, but knew it was socially impossible. Yet, she still kept the fire burning, even if it meant random and inappropriate text messaging.

This “what if” thinking about exes is way more common than you might think. It happens when an ex is married to someone else, is socially unacceptable to date (e.g. an addict, a criminal), lives a long distance away, etc. So, people try to move on and date new people. But, the ex is still in their heads.

Sometimes this leads to behavior like reaching out to the ex or cheating, but most times it just occurs in silence as the person tries to move on, but secretly longs for the old flame. But, it keeps them from dating new people or fully embracing a new relationship.

Stop the Sabotage

How do you get an ex out of your head and stop him or her from sabotaging your dating life and future relationships? Unfortunately, it’s not always an easy fix. As I mentioned earlier, your feelings for your ex come from years of brain wiring and chemistry that can be difficult to fully erase.

A phrase I love is “you are what you focus on.” This means that the most powerful way to change your life is to change your focus, moving beyond thought patterns to actions. So, you can stop stalking your ex, force yourself to go out on dates with men and women you know you like, and give them a chance to prove themselves.

Gradually, over time, you can shift your focus from your past ex to new experiences with new people. Even if you don’t meet anyone new, you can still change your focus by exploring hobbies that interest you and doing what you love.

This relates a lot to the concept of mindfulness, which is paying attention in the present. By consistently living in the present and putting your focus there, you can unshackle yourself from the past.

Mindfulness isn’t easy, but the more you notice the world around you and enjoy every moment, the less tethered you’ll be to your ex.

Finally, you can set boundaries. If your ex bothers you or tries to get back in your life, you can block him or her. If you’re constantly stalking an ex’s social media, unfollow them and block. If you are looking at old photos on your phone or focused on physical mementos, then delete and discard. Constantly focusing on your ex only reinforces past feelings.

You might never fully “get over” your ex, which is fine. But, at the very least, you can evict your ex from your head and move on with your life. That includes being happy with yourself and finding a great relationship.

David made a video using a proven technique to make emotional change called EFT that can help you get over your ex. We would love you to try it! The video is below.

I spend some time on dating and relationship forums, and it seems like almost daily people are asking questions about chemistry. The two most common questions are related, so I want to address them here. They are “can chemistry develop?” and “should you feel chemistry by a certain time?” like on a first date (or second, etc)?

Usually it is women asking these questions, and I’ll explain why below. These questions are becoming more and more common as people use online dating and date into their 30s and 40s. As I have explained before, online dating is pretty unnatural, and it doesn’t do a great job of mimicking the process by which humans fall in love naturally.

In the past, people would connect based on chemistry. Chemistry had to be there from the beginning, because that’s what would spark the whole relationship process. When I met Brooke, my girlfriend during my senior year of high school, it began with chemistry. We flirted in the computer lab and I knew at that moment we would be dating soon. The chemistry was clear.

However, a lot of people meet online these days, and aren’t choosing potential dates based on a “spark” but based on people who seem logically compatible, “on paper”: they are stable, nice, have a decent job, a decent education, and would look very normal in Facebook couples photos. They also might share common interests. So, it seems like they should be a good date. They literally do nothing “wrong” on the first date, and are polite and intelligent.

And, as people date into their 30s and 40s and beyond, many people have been “burned” by past relationships with a lot of chemistry (but with very little emotional connection or shared values). So, they decide to “swing to the other extreme” and choose a person based mainly on whether the person would make a great friend, and ignore their desire for chemistry if it isn’t there.

In these cases, your friends would think he’s great. Your mom would think he’s great. You think you should think he’s great. But, there’s just no chemistry! You feel nothing. If anything, the thought of sex with him might even turn you off a little!

And, you become conflicted inside, because it’s like your brain is battling your heart and gut.

I never would have met Brooke based on this modern system. We didn’t really have much in common before we met, and it’s hard to tell if based on logical “on paper” metrics we would have even chosen each other. So, we both would have just gone on numerous boring dates and never have found each other.

Some people would say basing a relationship on chemistry is bad, but I disagree. Chemistry is the natural evolutionary determinant of a romantic connection. I am not suggesting going by chemistry alone (since you might ignore red flags), but chemistry must be the basis of a romantic relationship, which hopefully also has “on paper” compatibility.

I define “chemistry” as being sexually (or at least romantically and not platonically) attracted to the person. I know this is a very simple definition, but ultimately chemistry goes back to this. It isn’t logical, and probably largely subconscious. It expresses itself as sexual tension, flirting, and intimate body language. When it’s there, that person consumes your mind.

Men usually feel chemistry if a woman is attractive physically and is engaging enough (for many men, being attractive is enough). This is why many guys leave first dates confident they made a good impression, while women often are less sure. The guys were visually attracted, so what else is there to feel?

For women, attraction is more complicated. Looks are important, but so are things like confidence, humor, dominance, and a guy’s overall demeanor, personality, and sexual vibe. This is why it may seem to women like chemistry is something deeper than sexual attraction, but it boils down to whether the guy excites you. Unfortunately, many guys do not do this.

So can chemistry develop? Should you give it time to develop?

The answer is “maybe.” Sometimes it may be hard to assess someone’s attractiveness immediately. I have known women in particular who didn’t like a guy until he stood up for himself, got his life together, or showed her in some capacity that he was confident. It is possible that after a few dates someone could show a side of themselves that you never saw, a side that awakens some passion for that person.

On the other hand, people are pretty predictable. It’s not likely a boring guy on two dates is going to show up and be an exciting guy the third, or take your mind off of the guy you really want, like your boss or some ex you never stopped thinking about.

So, while chemistry may not develop on the first date, I personally wouldn’t give it too many dates. If you have to ask “will chemistry ever come?” then the answer is it won’t.

Taking the attitude that chemistry will hopefully come “at some point” is a recipe for disaster. The results are dead bedrooms, resentment from both partners, and ultimately emotional and physical cheating. I promise you that someone you do have chemistry with will eventually come along, whether it’s a co-worker, new friend, or whatever.

And, when that person comes along, it will awaken feelings in you that you really, really like. Feelings that you missed, and feelings that will leave you in a bind. If you act on those feelings, you’re betraying your partner. If you don’t act on them, you are reminded of just how romantically miserable your romantic partnership is.

If you don’t believe me, marriage researcher John Gottman found that passionate couples (even ones who fought regularly) were the only couples in his studies that still had a romantic marriage after 35 years! So, couples that lacked that passion were either divorced or basically “just friends” within later years of marriage.

The solution for a great relationship isn’t to go entirely based on chemistry or ignore it. Allow yourself to be single and date around for a while until you find someone who is both compatible “on paper” (i.e. common interests, emotional connection, stable, etc) and whom you feel chemistry for. It may mean sorting through a few more people or being single a little longer, but in the end it will make for the best relationship you can imagine.

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Thousands upon thousands of articles have been written about red flags and why not to date someone. However, I’ve discovered that constantly looking for red flags can actually be counterproductive.

Why?

No one is perfect and you will absolutely find red flags. This can often lead to a “build the perfect partner” mentality where good people are discarded if there is even a hint of imperfection. So, rather than trying to root out flaws like a detective, it’s better to look at relationship green flags instead–the positive traits that lead to a successful long term partnership.

I want to add that these dating green flags assume you’re already attracted. Obviously, attraction is the important first step. When you feel that raw passion, you can also look for those positive qualities that make sure the person who gives you butterflies is also a great long term partner. This article will help you!

Communication Skills

Communication is one of the most important factors in a successful relationship. If you want love to last, you’d better find someone who can communicate. The good news is that it’s easy to see this trait early on when you’re dating.

You can tell the person is a good communicator if they text in sentences (vs. one word answers), respond in a timely manner over text, communicate at important moments (e.g. lets you know when they’re running late), and are transparent and open during conversations.

Shows Gratitude

Some of the most negative people I know have pretty good lives. But, they certainly can’t see it. And, no one wants to be with a negative person in the long term. So, how do you find someone who will be happy and positive in a relationship? Date someone who is grateful and shows it!

This is another relationship green flag that is pretty easy to see. Does he say “thank you” to servers, bartenders and baristas? Does she seem genuinely happy when you buy her something like a coffee? Is he content with his life and environment or does he complain about everything?

Good Conflict Resolution

Do you want to have “knock down drag out” fights? Do you like petty solutions to small problems? What about getting the silent treatment? No one likes any of this!

One of the most important green lights in relationships is the ability to resolve conflicts in a positive way, without resorting to pettiness and name calling or worse. Numerous studies have shown that conflict is healthy, but only certain styles of conflict resolution can actually strengthen relationships.

You can see how a person resolves conflicts very early, even on first dates. If you disagree about something, what is her reaction? If the restaurant makes a mistake, does he act calmly and with kindness? Can you both easily come together on date details or are even the smallest details causes of conflict?

Generosity

I once went on a date with a woman who ordered drinks and left a whopping tip of ten cents. She definitely had the money to give more, but refused. To me that said a lot. And, sure enough, studies show generosity is an important part of relationship success.

Even people without a lot of money can be generous in their own ways. It can come in the form of time, attention, positive feedback, and, of course, money.

Look for how he tips. Look at how she spends her free time and money. Does he volunteer? Does he show appreciation for others in any way he can?

Don’t confuse frugality and economic sense (both good things) with a lack of generosity, however. For example, someone can order inexpensive food items in order to save money while still being generous with the tip.

Assertiveness

Drama and games are two major relationship headaches. And, as time goes on, the drama only increases. That’s why one important dating green flag to look for in a partner is assertiveness. If the person is assertive and upfront at the start, you can generally count on that for the entire relationship.

Does he keep his word? Does she tell you when something is bothering her? Is he transparent about his intentions and motives? Does she stand up for herself with family and friends?

Takes Care of Health

Everyone has health issues, so this isn’t a knock on people who suffer from various ailments. The key here is that the person you’re looking to date actually takes care of themselves and want to be healthy and functional. This also includes mental health.

Does he get help when sick? Does she take her anxiety meds? Does he make an effort to eat right? Is she at least minimally active?

People who take care of themselves will make better partners in the long run.

Has Close Friends and Family

The best indicator of having a good future relationship is past and present good relationships. If your date has many happy relationships with friends, co-workers, and family members, it’s a good sign they can get along with others and form deep bonds.

Look for evidence of friends and time spent with them. Does he go out with friends often? Does she seem to get along with her mom and dad and siblings? Does he have a large circle of associates and acquaintances?

No Ex Drama

Another particularly bad date of mine involved a woman who talked about her awful, terrible, narcissistic ex the entire time. I get that he is a jerk. But, she was practically obsessed with him and it was a huge turn off.

The person you’re dating might have a bad ex. But, stable, excellent, and successful individuals don’t spend their time bad mouthing exes and dwelling on the past. If your dates either speak well of their exes or remains neutral about them, it’s a good sign of quality and class.

Emotional Availability

A friend of mine dated a guy who would never share how he was feeling. He said it wasn’t manly and just clammed up when she’d ask him. Of course, his feelings were obvious when he’d get agitated over something small and explode in rage every couple of months or so.

When looking for green flags in dating, look for emotional availability. Is he willing to tell you how he’s feeling? If you ask her what’s wrong will she tell you or say, “it’s fine,” but yell at you later? Does he seem expressive of emotion or always bottling up things?

There are many more relationship green flags, but these nine are some of the most important and might not always be obvious. But, if you look for them, you’ll know you’ve found a great person, who, in spite of their flaws, will make a great long term partner.

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Most single people I know are fatigued from online dating. The online dating situation is increasingly bad because of crappy algorithms and the general unnatural nature of online dating. Yet, when I suggest getting off apps and meeting people in real life is the way to go, they start explaining the “obvious” reasons why they have no way to meet people in real life. They generally have no real-life social networks, very few extended friend groups, and don’t have a lot of single colleagues at work. Yes, I’ll grant these are common realities and not excuses.

So, I often suggest things that seem obvious to me, like trying to meet the cute co-worker they’ve been eyeing for months. Or, making a deeper connection with the server or cashier they see a few times a week. Maybe even finally talking to that guy or gal they’ve had their eye on at the gym. I’ll even recommend starting a conversation with someone standing next to them in line.

Typically that’s when the excuses come out. You can’t ask servers out…they are working! You can’t talk to someone at the gym…they are there to work out! You can’t date someone at work, that would get awkward if you break up later! You can’t talk to someone in line….that’s just weird and creepy! And, so on…

I’m well aware that there are many challenges to meeting people in those circumstances, but most people just stay in their limiting mindsets and end up taking the view that “I hate online dating but meeting people in the real world is too challenging or scary so let me get back to the arduous task of online dating which I hate more than just about anything.”

So, I want you to move from a limiting mindset to a more abundant mindset, where you take charge of your reality. These suggestions may seem bold, but that’s a good thing, because if you’re single or haven’t met someone you deserve, then boldness is what you need!

The first mindset principle is:

Meet whom you want to meet

I’m going to assume for the purposes of this post that you aren’t creepy, aren’t a criminal, aren’t going to harass someone, and will take “no” for an answer. If I’m assuming wrongly, then you need to work on those issues before reading the next few paragraphs.

What I’m saying here is that if you see someone that interests you, talk to them. I have clients who have created a world where nobody is approachable. They are around attractive and nice people all the time, but won’t talk to them. There’s no wall or fence, except created by their mind.

Yes, you can flirt with a server, especially ones you see all the time. I’ve gotten contact information from multiple servers and cashiers. Some turned out to be great friends and a few turned into dates.

Yes you can talk to people at the gym. While some of us are mainly focused on working out, most of us also are more than happy to make a little chitchat with a cool person. If you see them outside the gym definitely go up and talk about the gym (this has happened to me many times).

Yes (unless workplace ethics or policy stop you) you can attempt to date a co-worker. It’s very common, and if you break up, it may be awkward, but that’s better than being lonely and depressed.

Yes you can talk to that person sitting next to you at the bar or the cute guy reading your favorite book at Starbucks. Just say “hi” and smile if you can’t think of anything remotely clever.

And yes, this means that with this mindset you aren’t limited only to the people on dating apps! Feel free to literally jump for joy right now that your mind has expanded beyond that.

You may be thinking “yesssss!” But then that limiting mindset comes back…”but won’t people think I’m weird??” This brings me to principle number 2:

Meeting people in the real world is fun and normal

Many people consider meeting others in the real world to be difficult and weird.

It can seem overwhelming, like you’re violating a huge social norm. The effort seems high too: you have to introduce yourself, have a conversation, and then “shoot your shot” by asking for contact information. I’ve worked with guys who made millions in risky investments and have been skydiving multiple times, but who practically fainted at the thought of talking to a stranger.

Imagine if you’re at the grocery store and you see a cute person wearing a T-shirt with your favorite band. You want to say something, and may even be fantasizing about a life spent with them. But, now think about actually approaching them.

If your first thought is fear, that’s pretty normal. However, if you also think “that’s ridiculous! Nobody meets people at the grocery store!” then you have a limiting mindset.

Ask yourself this: what’s really so weird about complimenting a cute person on a shirt that indicates you’d have something in common with them? Let’s say you go up to the guy and say something. He smiles and you talk. You ask for his number. He politely declines because he has a girlfriend. You both go on your way.

Ohhhhhh the horror! Ohhhhh the weirdness. Oh wait….

There is literally nothing weird about any of that.

In fact, at the end of the interaction you can be proud you not only had the guts to talk to someone you wanted to talk to, but you got a chance to talk to someone with a common interest. And, it probably flattered him, and your grocery trip was far more interesting than other days (you’ll be telling your friends about it!).

Here’s what is weird: not talking to that cute guy, and instead fantasizing about what could have happened for hours. Then, you get on OK Cupid, hoping you see him on there. When you don’t, you instead sort through 20 guys you don’t like at all and feel dejected and frustrated all night.

If you still don’t believe me, this fascinating study showed that people who talk to strangers are happier than those that don’t. And, get this: people who were talked to by strangers were also happier. People only resist doing it because they assume others won’t like the interaction, even though others do!

This brings me to abundant mindset principle number 3:

Rejection isn’t the end of the world and can be fun

A few days ago my friend approached a group of women who were walking, and said “I just had to say that you all are adorable!” They all froze and gave a “deer in the headlights” look. He tried to save the conversation, but it was over. The awkwardness was obvious. That approach had worked about an hour earlier for him, but this time it didn’t.

So, he left the interaction sad, with his head down, and vowed never to approach again…

No!

We actually both started laughing. His exact response was “dude, you have to go up to some women and say that because that was the best feeling in the world! That was hilarious.” I’m sure we’ll even talk about it the next time we meet.

Indeed, in the game of life, rejections make the best stories. You’ll talk about the rejections, and laugh at them, years after you’ll be talking about the successes.

If that’s too much to believe, then make it a game, since games are fun. Go out with your single friends and see who can get rejected the most: the winner buys the drinks. What most people who play this “game” find is that you hardly get rejected at all. When your goal is to get rejected, you suddenly realize rejection isn’t a big thing, which increases your confidence, ironically making you less likely to get rejected in the first place.

I hope the previous principles have expanded your mindset, and this one does too:

The “luckiest” people I know are always meeting people

I was reading a story a few weeks ago about a woman who was on a bad tinder date. A guy a few tables away saw the interaction and approached the woman after the date. He said “it looked like you weren’t enjoying that date. If you’re free, we should go out soon and I can show you a great date.” She was so impressed she agreed.

Someone in the comments section mentioned how “lucky” that guy was to be there when a woman was having a bad tinder date.

While that aspect was pretty lucky, that’s where “luck” ended and his mindset took over. Most guys would probably never have noticed the date was going badly. They would have been buried in their phones. Most guys would have considered approaching that woman to be “inappropriate” and maybe even told themselves “she just wants to be left alone in this moment” or “she doesn’t want some stranger bothering her at a time like that.” And, most guys, if they did approach, likely wouldn’t have had the guts to ask her out. So was this guy “lucky?”

No. He had the right mindset. The woman had the right mindset too. She easily could have just wallowed in her frustration with the Tinder date, and in the moment of angst, told the guy “no” even when she wanted to say “yes.”

In the past whenever I saw a couple I was jealous of, I would say “that guy lucked into that relationship!”  My 20-something jealousy was obvious.

Lucky? Yeah, lucky enough to have seen a woman sitting alone and talked to her. Lucky to have approached the new person at work right away while other co-workers were figuring out how many days would be “appropriate” before approaching. Lucky to have asked the cute guy at the gym how to use a machine, even though she knew how to work it all along. Lucky enough to have kept her phone in her purse when she was out in public, so she could talk to people. Lucky to have meandered out to the dance floor even though he wasn’t a perfect dancer, while his friends stayed at the corner of the bar afraid.

See what I mean?

So you “can’t meet people in real life” and “have to use dating apps?”

It may just be all in your head.