Category: Relationships

Online dating has changed the way people meet and fall in love. In the past, you would meet and marry people from the local community, the workplace, or friend connections. The checklist for dating a guy wasn’t very long because people didn’t have a ton of options.

Sure, exceptions existed. But, generally, dating random, total strangers across your geographical area (and beyond) was impossible or unlikely…until online dating.

Online dating, however, has led to a rise in a “checklist mentality.” This is when, rather than getting to know a guy and looking for chemistry, you come up with a list of deal-breakers or essentials. Usually, these are specific and superficial. This can be a minimum height, a certain income level, an age range, etc.

This can be a literal checklist for dating a guy or a subconscious one. For example, you might build the checklist into your dating profile and preferences like setting height and age minimums. Or, you might just swipe and match based on this checklist in your head.

While I’m not a big fan of specific and superficial checklists, general ones can be helpful when evaluating if a guy is compatible and relationship material. This only works if you focus on the right metrics. Here are the four most important ones.

Physical Attraction

I’ve heard so many people tell me that they really like a person they just met, but there’s no real physical attraction. They hope the attraction comes, but, when it doesn’t, they have a dead bedroom and a bad relationship.

If you get along well with someone, but there is no physical spark, that is basically a friendship. And, friendships are great. However, if you lack physical attraction , you’re not going to have a very fulfilling sexual or romantic relationship. In fact, a lack of physical chemistry will typically lead to the death of the relationship down the line.

When looking at physical attraction, I recommend you think broadly and generally. I’m not a fan of having too many rigid standards, such as setting age and height minimums and maximums. Instead, go with your gut. For example, if someone is shorter or younger than you’re used to, but you feel that physical connection, chemistry, and raw attraction, then go for it!

Ambition

From my experience in running a company, the most important trait I look for new hires is ambition. I want someone who is hungry for success. That person might not have a dollar to his name when I meet him, but I know that if he is driven, that he will be successful.

Many women want a guy with a stable income, a 401k, and health insurance. These are all important, but they don’t tell the whole story. Pretty much anyone except the biggest losers can get a job that pays enough to scrape by.

So, when coming up with a checklist for dating a guy, look for someone with ambition. Does he hustle? Is he motivated? Does he have a lot of energy around his career and other goals? Is he happy being a cog in the machine or does he want to conquer the world?

Pick a guy who has the energy, drive, and ambition to take you where you want to go in the relationship and life in general.

He Has A Life

The other day a woman I know was complaining that her boyfriend spent all day in his bedroom playing video games. She was getting tired of bugging him to go to the gym, take her out on dates, and pretty much do anything that didn’t involve him staring at a screen of some kind.

When getting to know a guy, look closely at how he spends his free time. That will mirror how he spends his time with you. If he lives an active adventurous life, then you can look forward to that. If he spends all day fighting virtual monsters and watching TV reruns, then that is an indicator of your future, as well.

It’s possible you don’t have much of a life either and are a homebody. That’s OK. But, if you have a passion for life, make sure that the guy you date feels the same way. Otherwise, you’ll be ready to go crazy when he locks himself in his room all day and you’re dying to go do something fun.

He Is Kind

I went to school with a woman who dated a controlling guy with anger issues. He seemed so sweet in the beginning, but most of her friends (like me) knew he had problems. While he always treated her with charm and kindness in the beginning, he acted like a jerk towards most everyone else.

He acted rudely towards servers, got mad at them for the smallest things, then refused to tip. He wouldn’t talk to us (her friends) when we were all together and would often play on his phone instead of engaging us. He talked a lot about how he didn’t get along with his co-workers or exes.

When creating a checklist for dating a guy, you can’t always look at how he treats you in the beginning to determine his true personality. Of course, he is going to be on his best behavior towards you, especially if he wants sex or some kind of commitment.

Look, however, at how he treats others, especially those he doesn’t have to treat well. How does he act towards servers, bartenders, hired help, people who are beneath him socially, or those lower on the hierarchy at work?

If he treats them like dirt, then it’s a good indicator that he is a jerk. And, once he feels he no longer has to win you over, he’ll start treating you the same way.

One study showed that kindness was the biggest factor in successful relationships. So, get yourself a kind man!

If you feel like you need a checklist for dating a guy, these should be the primary things on your list. Don’t get bogged down with a bunch of superficial traits that don’t matter. If a guy has what really matters, then you are on your way towards a happy relationship.

After my grandpa died, my grandma never dated again. She liked several local men and didn’t want to be lonely. But, she had a limiting mindset that you could be “too old” for certain activities, including dating.

You might see modern dating as hopelessly overwhelming. So much has changed, even in the last ten years. Changes like online dating, social media, and texting might have you wondering: are you too old to date?

The answer is “No!” I’ve worked with people of all ages in my coaching business. In fact, many of the most motivated and successful clients are older. This article will explain why you’re never too old to date.

Your Age Is An Advantage

If you are older, even into your 50s, 60s, and beyond, you have something very rare and valuable in relationships: life experience. You’ve known the heartaches, breakups, and ups and downs of dating and, I hope, actually learned from them.

This means you can avoid a lot of the pain and awkwardness you experienced when you dated in the past. Dating can be fun, exciting, and, above all, on your terms. And, confidence and experience are sexy!

So, you aren’t too old to date. Once you jump back in and start meeting people, you’ll be surprised at how much easier (and more fun) older dating can be.

The Fundamentals Haven’t Changed

Modern dating can seem like something from another planet. But, although you often hear about the changes, the fundamental realities of relationships have pretty much stayed the same.

For example, even with the popularity of online dating, most couples still meet through friends. Also, the traditional role of men asking women on dates and “making the first move” remains the norm. Standards of attraction have stayed the same too, with high value still placed on physical attractiveness, a sense of humor, and confidence.

The actual process of going on dates hasn’t changed much either. Going out for dinner, seeing a movie, and grabbing drinks are very popular. And, of course, flirting is still the universal language of attraction and romantic connection.

So, even with all of the dating changes (more on that next), you can still rest assured that a lot hasn’t changed at all. Asking am I too old to date doesn’t take into account that fact that you already have experience in most of the process.

You Can Learn New Tricks

Although a lot has stayed the same with finding relationships, some of the changes are pretty dramatic. For example, online dating and social media have radically changed the dating game. And, as online connections have increased, real world ones, like community events and social clubs, have decreased. This could be an unpleasant new reality.

But, these changes have also brought major opportunities for those willing to embrace them. For example, online dating allows people to connect who never would’ve met under the old methods.

It might seem scary and confusing, but, with time and practice, you can adapt and thrive.

Scientists used to think that your personality was pretty much hard wired by a certain age. However, recent research has shown that the brain is actually “plastic,” meaning changeable. So, an adult of any age can at least partially change and adapt mentally, learning new skills and growing as a person.

Mindset Is Everything

My grandma had an incredible friend who lived life to the fullest and never stopped going on new adventures, even at an advanced age. She embraced social media as a great-great-grandma, got her first tattoo in her 80s, and rode a mechanical bull on her 90th birthday. This woman wasn’t “too old” for anything.

Even the question “are you too old to date?” is inherently defeatist. If you have the right mindset, then you’re never too old to find love or get into any type of relationship you want.

Rewiring the brain after the teenage years is more difficult. This explains why people get “set in their ways” and even those who want change can find it difficult. But, you have to look at your motivations and goals.

If you want to find love, have a meaningful relationship, and find a life partner, then it should be worth the time and effort to get relearn the old skills of dating and master the new ones. But, one thing is for sure: you’ll never succeed if you go in thinking that you’re too old.

Channel Your Inner Youth

I recently took an acting class with a gentleman in his late 50s. He’d never acted before, but always dreamed of being on television. Although he was the oldest by twenty years, he had fun, met a lot of new friends, and successfully completed that class.

Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you have to limit yourself to stereotypical “old person” activities. You can do whatever you want at any age. Get in amazing shape, travel the world, learn to dance, write a novel, or take a class on campus.

Channel your inner youth and live life on your terms, regardless of your age. You’ll also discover that as you live your best life, you’ll meet interesting and fun people who might turn into more than just a friendship.

You’re Not Alone

If your idea of dating is a bunch of young people having fun while everyone over 50 sits around lonely, you need to update your thinking! Lots of people in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond are not only very active in the dating scene, but are defying stereotypes and having a lot of fun.

According to one study, twenty-nine percent of seniors reported going on a date in the last year with someone they met online. Another survey showed that forty percent of adults 65-80 have an active sex life.

And, older adults living together, but not marrying has increased seventy-five percent. So, a lot of people are defying traditional dating norms, even as seniors.

I share these stats to show that if you are older and want to date, get into a relationship, or simply have sex, you’re normal.

You’re not too old to date and you’re not past your prime. If you want to find love, you can at any age. Get out there and do it!

One of my coaching clients started to quickly fall for a guy she met on Bumble. They went on three dates and really connected. She knew she wanted to get into an actual relationship with him.

But, he continued talking to other women and even went on a couple of dates with them. She knew she had to define the relationship, but didn’t know when.

When should you define the relationship? Women (and men) ask me that question a lot. If you bring up the topic too early, you might seem clingy and needy. If you wait too long, you might lose the person you like.

This article will help you deal with that stressful task of defining a relationship!

Take A Breath

Before I talk about when to define a relationship, I want to first offer a piece of advice that has helped me (and many coaching clients) over the years. Most great relationships happen very organically, meaning that both sides get to know each other, develop feelings, and progress naturally.

In other words, if the spark is there and the chemistry is clear, you don’t have to lose sleep or stress out about defining the relationship. So, first and foremost, take a deep breath and relax!

Start Defining Soon

I just told you to not worry about defining the relationship and now I say to define soon? I’m not crazy. I promise!

I don’t think you should confess your love or ask for exclusivity on your first or second date. But, I do think it’s important, if you like someone, to keep that person regularly updated on your thoughts and feelings about the relationship.

This open and honest communication not only starts the relationship in the right way, but also allows you both to know each other’s intentions without playing a ridiculous guessing game, one that I see played by people of all ages, from awkward teens even up to people in their 60s!

For example, after a great date, let him know you want to see him again. If you’ve gone on several dates and feel a spark, be open and honest that you see the relationship going somewhere.

Online dating has created a culture where people have options and sometimes feel overwhelmed by all the choice. The person you like might be messaging and going on dates with several people. If you’re interested in more commitment, you’ll have to take some initiative.

By being honest and sharing your developing thoughts and feelings, you’re bringing more clarity to the relationship. You’re even defining it, even if the definition starts with “I like you and let’s see where this goes” and evolves to something more serious.

Read the Signs

Many people ask about defining the relationship because they really like someone, but aren’t sure if the other person feels the same way. So, they fear that trying to define the relationship in exclusive terms too soon might push the other person away or risk ruining the relationship.

If you’re worried about defining the relationship because the other person might not feel the same, the best thing is to look for clues he shares your feelings.

First, look for general signs related to romantic interest. Obviously, if you’ve gotten physical, flirt a lot, and seem to connect romantically, then it’s a great start.

If your relationship feels more like a friendship or only seems sexual, then you probably won’t have much success asking for anything exclusive.

Second, pay attention to verbal clues. For example, if he talks about “not wanting a relationship” or “not being ready to settle down” those most likely reflect his true feelings. On the other hand, if he mentions things like marriage, kids, and wanting a relationship, you can assume he’d be open to that with you.

Third, look at his body language, especially when you discuss your feelings about a relationship. Does he seem comfortable, relaxed, and happy? Or does he seem closed off, unhappy, or hesitant? Even if he won’t give you verbal feedback (or is telling you what he thinks you want to hear), his body language can tell you a lot about what he’s really thinking.

Finally, look at the level of time and attention you get. Does he always respond quickly to your texts or are you left on “read” for hours? Does he frequently cancel plans or does he drop everything for you? If you get his time and attention consistently, then that’s a great sign that he likes you in a unique way and wants more.

Do It When You’re Ready

There is enormous outside pressure to define a relationship. This can come from many sources, including family, friends, religion, and culture. Hell, the winter months are even called “cuffing season” from the expectation that you should be in a relationship once it gets cold!

Pressure can also come from within. You might feel like the odd person out if you don’t have a boyfriend. Or, you could fear that if you don’t define the relationship fast enough, you’ll lose the person you love to someone else.

In fact, one of the biggest reasons people ask when should I define the relationship is because they worry that if they don’t define it quickly, their partner will leave or get away. However, this type of fear and worry can ultimately sabotage your relationship goals.

If you’re trying to define the relationship out of fear or pressure, step back and look at your real motivations. Are you doing it for the right reasons or the wrong ones?

Getting into an actual relationship is a huge investment, emotionally and otherwise. You should only go in if you’re in touch with your true feelings and doing it for the right reasons.

That’s why…the best answer to the question when should I define the relationship? It’s: when you’re truly ready!

I have a good friend who wants to find a great guy, settle down with him, and get married. But, while she meets guys who will gladly date her for a while and have sex, none want an actual relationship.

This is one of the top dating problems my female clients face. They want a good guy and a quality relationship. But, the guys only want something short term, non-exclusive, and to have sex. Women yearn for something more and ask why do guys never want a relationship with me?

If you’re asking this question, you probably are in one of two scenarios. You could, like my friend, have plenty of options for dating and sex, but you want more commitment. Or, you might not be getting anything, sex or casual dating, from the guys you like, let alone a relationship.

Either way, this article will be helpful and explain why guys never want a relationship with you. Then, you can make the necessary changes to get into a great relationship.

Many Guys Don’t Want Relationships

In the past, most people followed a common pattern in dating. They met, got to know each other, committed, married, had children, stayed together for life, and died. Other than the last part, this is the stuff of Disney movies and you might believe that you’re owed a “happily ever after” ending too.

Real life, however, is very different. Relationships don’t magically fall into anyone’s lap and they don’t always end well. Not only that, but statistically, people (both men and women) are marrying less than in the past. And, more than half of young people don’t have a steady romantic partner.

Some of this is by choice. Many guys simply want to date around, be single, or avoid settling down. For example, if you look at how men and women behave on dating apps, a small subset of guys tend to get a lot of the female attention. This leads to a steady stream of dates for the most desirable guys, and many enjoy dating around rather than settling down.

So, the question isn’t necessarily why do guys never want a relationship with you? It’s more why do some guys never want a relationship at all?

They Only Want You For Sex

I know many women who are seeing men casually, giving them sex, and then wondering why the men won’t commit.

Guys are great at compartmentalization. That means we can build giant walls that separate parts of our lives. So, you might think sex should mean commitment. But, in his head, sex means continued sex and not always commitment.

If you’re giving him regular sex thinking it will lead to commitment, let me be blunt: it won’t work.

Studies show that male and female brains respond differently to sex. Women release large amounts of oxytocin, a chemical associated with bonding. Men release less oxytocin and more dopamine, which is a pleasure chemical.

This means that when men and women have sex, women develop a deeper bond, but men simply want more sex. Now, a man can certainly commit and bond with women. But, sex isn’t going to suddenly make a non-committal guy change his mind.

You Aren’t Relationship Material (For Them)

Men often have different standards for sex vs. commitment with a woman. For sex, the only standard for most guys really is physical attraction.

One study involved an attractive stranger asking guys to have sex with her that night. Seventy-five percent said they would! For reference, when an attractive stranger asked women to have sex with him, the answer was zero percent.

However, men typically have higher standards when wanting to settle down with someone. Most successful, high quality guys don’t want to be with a woman they think will be dramatic or bring chaos to their lives even if she is physically beautiful, for example.

Now, I don’t judge people for their choices. You should certainly be yourself even if guys don’t approve. But, if you want a relationship with a certain type of guy, you have to ask yourself why he isn’t wanting to settle down with you. It might be that you aren’t his definition of “relationship material.” If so, you’ll have to look at your choices and see what you can change to attract the type of guy you want in your life.

You might actually be what he’s looking for, but have trouble communicating it on first dates or through your social media. In that case, you’ll need to work on projecting your true self to the world.

They Aren’t Ready For Commitment

A friend of mine went through a divorce nearly three years ago. His marriage ended badly and he had a lot of leftover emotional trauma. He wasn’t opposed to relationships, but he definitely wasn’t ready for one.

So, he dated around, met new people, and enjoyed time with different women. But, he wasn’t ready to settle down until recently.

You might be finding men who simply aren’t ready for commitment given their situation in life. They are open to a relationship, maybe even with you. The timing just isn’t right.

The good news is that if you get to know them and they start to love and trust you, they might be ready sooner than later. You just have to wait it out and give them a chance.

You Pick the Wrong Guys

If you’re wondering why guys don’t want a relationship with you, the answer might not be on the outside (the guys), but on the inside (your choices). While a number of men don’t want a relationship or aren’t ready, the majority of men still want to settle down into a relatively traditional relationship.

One survey showed that only thirteen percent of single, never married adults said they opposed marriage. And, over half of single men say they want to marry someday.

So, most guys are open to the idea of long term relationships and even marriage. Perhaps you’re picking guys who aren’t emotionally available or are confirmed bachelors or players. Or, like I mentioned above, you’re only matching with the same small set of highly attractive guys that other women are also matching with.

Or, you might be focusing on only superficial traits (height, wealth, body type, looks good in photos) without considering other aspects (personality, core values) that would indicate he is relationship material.

I invite you to look around our site. Here at Double Trust Dating, we have all kinds of resources to meet great guys for great relationships. You can find that amazing relationship! Sometimes it just takes patience and a little effort.

A few weeks ago, a friend had a Facebook meltdown. He unfriended his wife, changed his profile photo to black, and announced he was “done.” His wife had gone out with a male friend and didn’t give him the attention he felt he deserved. He was jealous.

Jealousy has caused many problems in relationships throughout history, including murder and other violence. But, more often than not, jealousy simply ruins relationships.

Frustrated friends and coaching clients reach out to me and ask why do guys get jealous? This article will explain his behaviors and provide answers.

Immaturity

When I was in high school, my friend sat next to a girl whose boyfriend went to another school. He and this girl would talk and occasionally flirt, but nothing more happened. A few days later, her boyfriend called him up and wanted to fight him!

Jealousy is more common in adolescents, especially those with lower self-esteem. As guys mature, they usually develop greater confidence and emotional maturity. So, a lot of their teenage habits go by the wayside, including strong feelings of jealousy.

If your boyfriend is younger or generally more emotionally immature, then that could be why he gets jealous. As he matures, you’ll hopefully find that his feelings of jealousy fade. But, sadly, age doesn’t always lead to emotional maturity and people can experience extreme feelings of jealousy at any age.

Insecurity

My friend in the opening story had a history of emotional trauma in relationships. He had an ex-girlfriend who cheated on him when he was younger and he went through a nasty divorce that involved restraining orders and custody battles.

Jealousy not only stems from low self-esteem, but also feelings of insecurity in the relationship. He might feel like you could leave at moment, that you’re better than he is, or that you’re inevitably going to cheat.

Keep in mind, in most cases, insecurity comes from past experience. So, you might have a great bond and an amazing relationship, but his past trauma rears its ugly head in the form of insecurity and he gets jealous.

Let me give you an example. You love your boyfriend and have no desire to cheat. But, his previous girlfriend hooked up with a guy at a bar. So, if you go out to a bar with your girlfriends, he assumes that you are also going to cheat on him. Next thing you know, he gets jealous and ruins your evening with your friends.

Fear

Many people think jealousy is the same as envy, but that isn’t true. Envy is when you want what someone else has. Jealousy is fear that someone else will take what you already have. If you’re asking why do guys get jealous, the answer, at the root is fear, especially fear of being replaced.

He is afraid, for whatever reason, that he is going to lose you to someone else. If you’re talking to a guy at work, he fears that you’ll like that guy better. If you go out without him, he worries that you’ll meet someone new. Ironically, when guys get jealous, they push the woman away and they end up losing her.

The opposite of fear in relationships is trust. If he can fully trust you, then most of the jealousy will fade. He won’t care if you go out with friends or meet a new guy at work because he has total faith that you will still come back to him and be loyal.

Like with insecurity, his trust issues might not have anything to do with you. Most problems with trust go back to the past. So, when he acts jealous, he’s taking all of his past experiences where trust was broken–parents, friends, lovers–and applying them to you and the relationship.

Your Past Behaviors

Jealousy can be very ugly and lead to ugly things. If he gets jealous for no good reason, it can lead to many problems in a relationship. And, no woman has to put up with an insecure, jealous jerk.

But, if you’re wondering why do men get jealous, your behavior might be contributing or have contributed in the past.

If you broke trust by lying to him about exes or even went so far as to cheat on him, that breach of trust won’t easily heal even if he says he’s “over it.” While he might have forgiven you, the worry that you will break trust again leads to jealousy in the present.

He also might feel jealous about aspects of your past behavior. For example, if he knew you cheated on someone else years ago or that you felt a deep love for an ex, those could make him guarded in the present. He fears he will lose you.

Brain Chemistry

Ultimately, jealousy is like anything else related to emotion: a function of brain chemistry. Emotions aren’t logical. When we see something infuriating, we don’t have to talk ourselves into anger. We just feel it. The same is true with love, sadness, and other feelings.

Jealousy appears to come from the brain chemical oxytocin. Oddly enough, this is the “cuddle” chemical that creates loving bonds, like between lovers and even mother and child. However, research has shown that oxytocin can also lead to feelings of aggression and ultimately jealousy.

This research doesn’t surprise me at all. It makes total sense that a chemical that bonds would also make people want to preserve and protect that bond. So, when your bond with a guy is threatened (at least in his head), his brain releases chemicals that make him jealous and aggressive towards potential competition for your love.

In the end, excessive jealousy is toxic and brain chemistry is an explanation, not an excuse. If guys get jealous, they ultimately need to find ways to cope with their feelings, even if it involves getting outside help. Also, you don’t have to put up with toxic jealousy. In the end, it will destroy the relationship and make both partners unhappy.

Whenever friends break up, I always get a call. They are going through a lot of emotions, including love, hate, fear, and sadness. They want to talk to me, not as a dating coach, but as a friend.

If they were dumped, they usually want their ex back. If they did the breaking up, they want to move on. But, they almost always still have some feelings for their ex and hope to remain civil or possibly even friends.

But, in most cases, their ex is distant. They wonder why do guys go cold after a breakup? It makes the whole process even more difficult and emotional. This article will explain why men can be cold and distant after breaking up.

Breaking Up Hurts

When I was in eighth grade I went through appendicitis and needed my appendix removed. An ex girlfriend also dumped me. Honestly, the appendicitis hurt less.

Breaking up is painful, but not just in the way that you think. When a relationship ends, you not only experience mental pain like anxiety and depression, but physical problems like chest pain.

Breaking up has been compared to going through drug withdrawal, which is accurate. When you’re in love, your brain release all kinds of feel good chemicals. When you break up, your brain no longer releases them and your body can’t can’t cope. You feel terrible.

If a guy goes cold after a breakup, it could be due to the pain he is feeling. He is suffering and it pushes him away from you.

He Is Confused

Since breaking up wreaks havoc on the brain, he might not even know what he feels, especially immediately following the split. Anyone who has been through a break up can tell you that thinking straight isn’t always easy. Personally, after a relationship ends my brain enters a fog for a few days.

What seems like coldness might really just be a need for space or time to process his feelings. If he isn’t responding to you or seems distant, remember that the whole process is likely traumatic and he will need a few days to fully understand what happened.

Sometimes, after a few days pass, he could be less cold and distant and might want to engage you again. But, you have to give him time.

He Wants To Move On

I’ve worked with many coaching clients who are stuck on an ex. They constantly think about him and some even go back for hookups with the ex. That never ends well because the hot and cold approach just leaves them confused and unhappy.

Many people, both men and women, prefer a clean break when a relationship ends. So, they might block you or unfriend you on social media and not respond to your texts. This might seem cold or distant, but it’s really just your ex’s effort to move on.

All people are different and, even if your ex still feels some love towards you, he might put himself at a distance so that he can put the relationship fully in the past.

Love Turns To Hate

You might be asking why do guys go cold after a breakup because you wonder how he could stop loving you so quickly. In fact, you might even feel like he hates you!

I have some unsettling news. The part of the brain that registers the feeling of love is also the area responsible for feelings of hate. This research means that it’s possible for the passionate love you both shared to turn into passionate hate. The hate, in a sense, pushes out the love.

If he went cold and distant, it’s possible that his brain chemistry shifted and he no longer feels any love at all. And, if he feels resentment towards you, that will usually manifest itself in cutting you off and acting in a distant way.

He Still Loves You

I have a few exes whom I still love in some fashion. We broke up for external reasons and couldn’t be together. But, since I can’t be with them now for various reasons, I have to keep my emotional distance. It’s not because I feel hate. I am cold to protect myself.

If your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband is distant, he might still love you in some way. If, however, he can’t be in a relationship with you (e.g. you’re married), then he knows he has to keep his distance.

Or, he might feel that you both aren’t good for each other. As much as he feels love, he knows that dating each other is a bad idea. And, if he tries to reconnect with you, it will end in disaster. He stays distant because if he got close, he couldn’t resist and would get into a toxic situation.

Whatever his reasons for being cold, remember that a break up usually means gaining a sense of closure. Even if he still loves you deep down, you can’t count on him acting on it.

If he is cold to you, the best thing to do is find someone else to love who will give you the warmth and emotional connection that you need rather than trying to reconnect with someone who doesn’t want your attention.

Six months ago, a good friend started dating a guy who seemed incredible. Handsome and charming, he had a good job, a nice car, and made her laugh. She quickly wondered if she had found “the one” and started to fall for him after a few dates.

But, a couple of months later, his true personality revealed itself. He manipulated, lied, and even became verbally abusive. She broke it off, but still loved him, fighting contradictory feelings for months. She wished she had never fallen so quickly.

While many guys seem great at first, knowing the real signs he’s a good guy can be difficult. Like my friend, many women don’t see the truth until it’s too late. By then, they’ve already fallen for a bad guy and it causes a lot of pain.

Many women focus on things like height, body type, income level, age range, and so on when determining if a guy is compatible. These certainly are important to keep in mind. But, a guy can be perfect on a “checklist,” but be a horrible human being.

While you always want to date someone attractive, you also want to look for signs he’s a good guy too. This article will give you six signs that the guy you love is more than just a hot body and pretty face, but also someone who will treat you right.

He Treats Others Well

My friend noticed on the second date that her “dream guy” yelled at a waiter because he forgot to bring his drink. She didn’t like his behavior, but didn’t think about it too much. However, if you want to know how a guy will treat you, look at how he treats others, especially people he doesn’t need to treat well.

I recommend that women especially look at how a man treats hired help like servers, hostesses, bus drivers, janitors, etc. Is he kind and generous to everyone? Or, does he look down on others and treat them with rudeness and disrespect?

How a guy acts towards other people, especially those who have lower status, is a good indicator of his true self. If he treats others poorly, you will be next.

He Has A Good Relationship With Exes

Unless you’re dating a guy who has no relationship experience, he has a track record. Those past relationships can tell you a lot about him and how he acts towards his partners. While people can change, they usually stay pretty consistent in their behavior.

One of the biggest signs he’s a good guy is that he still has good relationships with his exes. He doesn’t have to necessarily be friends with them. But, if they don’t hate him and he isn’t constantly involved in drama, it’s a good sign.

If, on the other hand, they all hate him and he badmouths them all the time, take it as a huge red flag. You might end up as another ex who can’t stand the guy.

He’s Upfront With You

It isn’t shocking, but being honest improved the quality of relationships. Good relationships require total trust. If you truly want to fall in love with a good guy, then you’ll want someone who is upfront and honest with you.

Honestly doesn’t just involve not telling lies. It also includes being upfront and assertive when needed. For example, if he’s running late, he will call and tell you. If he is having a bad day, he will tell you instead of being a moody jerk.

You might find someone who is upfront and honest a little shocking at first because it isn’t common. But, it will make the relationship better in the long run not to have to play the games associated with lying and holding back.

He’s A Good Communicator

In order to be truly open and honest, he also will need to be a good communicator. In fact, communication skills are a sign that he is a good guy. Why? Because communication is more than just words.

A guy who communicates is showing you two things. First, it shows that he is making you a priority. He is taking time out of his day to interact with you. Second, and most importantly, it demonstrates that he is committed to making the relationship succeed.

Studies show that negative communication leads to increased breakups. So, if the guy you like can’t take the time to talk to you or refuses to openly discuss problems in the relationship, be warned! But, if he is happy to talk to you and easily discusses anything, even the hard stuff, you’ve found a great guy!

He Takes Responsibility

The allegedly perfect guy from my opening paragraph never apologized or tried to change his behaviors. If he did something wrong, they would fight until the issue was dropped or she apologized. But, he never owned up to his role in any problem or took responsibility for his bad behavior.

A good guy will take responsibility for his life. This means doing his best to fulfill his obligations like paying bills, being there for others, and acting in a responsible way. It also means owning up to his shortcomings, apologizing when necessary, and making changes to do better.

Good men will always want to do better. They won’t always succeed or be perfect. But, they will accept responsibility and try their best to make things right. If you see that behavior in a guy, it’s a good sign he will be a great partner in a relationship.

His Actions Are Good

One of the most important signs he’s a good guy is that he is well-rounded, works hard to be his best, cares about his health, and is happy to bring you into that incredible world.

Look carefully at how he spends his time rather than the words he tells you. Is he focused only on himself? Does he spend all of his time playing video games or doing unhealthy or dangerous things? Do others see him as a jerk or loser?

Or, is it the opposite?

Does he volunteer for charity and make a difference in the world? Does he care about others and love animals? Do other people admire him and want his attention? Is his life so interesting and fulfilling that you can’t wait to be with him?

If he’s a good man, then his actions will reflect it. They are far more important than words.

At university, I met a girl who had perfect grades, was physically beautiful, and active in charities and clubs. She came from a great family and clearly had a bright future.

Her boyfriend, on the other hand, flunked out of school, lived with his mother, and had no job (unless you consider drug dealing a job).

Many who met her asked the same question, why do good girls like bad boys?

My friend from school isn’t an isolated case. History is filled with women from good backgrounds who gave it all up to live a life (sometimes of crime) with bad men. Even movies promote the theme of a sweet, innocent girl falling for the bad boy type.

Whether you’re a woman questioning your own feelings for a bad boy or a man wondering what is wrong with a girl you know, this article will help. I’m going to address why good girls like bad guys.

The Thrill

Some people crave excitement, not only in their lives, but also in their relationships. Many women will like the quiet accountant who pays his bills on time, while others will find that guy insanely boring.

Bad boys can be thrilling and bring excitement to an otherwise dull life. Of course, women can have fun and exciting lives with someone who is good for them too. But, bad boys, with their reckless behavior and life on the edge bring a whole new level of adrenaline.

A woman who finds most guys boring or average might go to a bad boy because he does what no one else can: make her feel alive and excited.

Shock Value/Attention

A friend in high school had very strict parents. She craved freedom, but her dad wouldn’t let her go out much. When she finally started dating, she didn’t choose someone stuffy, boring, and average. She wanted to make a point! So, she dated the class “bad boy.”

If you’re asking why do good girls like bad guys, one answer is certainly attention or shock value. I’m sure when my friend brought her boyfriend home, her dad flipped out and was mad. That was the whole point!

A good girl dating a bad guy gets a lot more attention, from family, friends, and co-workers, than if she dated someone average or expected. Some women thrive on this attention

Bad Guys Are Attractive

When I was younger, I believed that all I had to do was be my nice self and follow the rules and women would flock to me. I couldn’t believe they would pick a rebel instead!

Science has determined a lot about what women want for dating, relationships, and sex. Being “nice” and “following the rules” don’t appear on any lists.

Various studies have identified traits that factor into female attraction to men. A few examples are being muscular, having scars, playing extreme sports, and making her laugh.

Also, a recent study showed that the higher a man scored on a psychopathy scale, the more attractive he became to women.

The researcher theorized that psychopaths are naturally more charming and at ease in conversation. Also, due to their manipulation skills, these men could pretend to have the traits that women admired and desired.

A Phase

I mentioned earlier that dating a bad boy is a common theme in movies. In most cases, these represent a woman wanting to escape from a boring life or a younger girl who is discovering herself and exploring her wild side. Usually, the bad guy turns out as a misunderstood, yet secretly good person.

Although real life bad boys might not be secretly good or misunderstood, the movies hint at a real truth. A lot of good girls who date bad boys do so as a phase.

Many of them find the whole relationship exciting and adventurous, but only briefly. After all, a reckless guy at 18 who takes a girl on adventures can be fun. The same guy at 30, unemployed, with a prison record, and missing teeth…not so much. If you know a girl dating a bad guy, realize that it could just be a phase.

They Want to Change Them

I worked with a woman who dated a horrible guy. He was violent, abusive, a criminal, and addicted to hard drugs. When I asked her why she chose him, she told me, “No one else saw the real him. I wanted the world to finally see the real Ronnie (not his real name).” She wanted to fix him.

Many women, especially those raised in traumatic homes or ones where they had to be caretakers, often seek out broken men to fix. Some psychologists call them “rescuers.” They define love as work and suffering for the good of another person.

They can’t experience true love unless they are “fixing” someone else and quality guys with no problems bore them. Women who love serial killers are the extreme form of rescuers or fixers.

If a woman consistently chooses a guy who is terrible for her, then she could be a “rescuer.” And, sadly, she will never, without serious therapy, end her addiction to bad men.

She’s Not A Good Girl

I personally don’t like labels in the discussion of why good girls date bad guys. It assumes that a woman has no free will or independent thinking. While people can certainly be manipulative, if a woman consistently dates bad men, then I have a news flash: she likes it.

People of both sexes have serious problems and make bad dating choices. Just because a woman comes from a good background or got good grades at once point doesn’t make her a good person or lead to good choices.

I don’t say this to judge all women or even the women in question. If a woman wants to date a guy I feel is bad, a jerk, or a loser, it’s none of my damn business!

I just want people to get over the damsel in distress thinking that “good girls” need saved from “bad guys.” If she constantly chooses to engage in bad, hurtful, or criminal behavior with bad guys, then it’s safe to assume she and the guy are both bad, at least by some definition.

A former coaching client of mine was attractive, fun, and flirty. She landed a great job in a large metro area and wanted to meet new people.

She tried bars and clubs and online dating, but only met a lot of creeps. Although definitely a “catch” by many standards, she struggled to meet attractive, genuine men.

Frustrated, she asked me for help, wanting to know the best way to meet men. She believed that finding a relationship would be impossible. She couldn’t even meet anyone she wanted to date, let alone settle down with and marry.

Many of my women coaching clients share her frustration. They have so much going for them and would make good partners. But, they just have no idea how to find good guys.

Before I talk about the best ways to meet men, I want to first talk about one of the worst ways: online dating. Online dating seems easy, but it can be a terrible experience for women. I constantly hear how they deal with creeps, losers, and jerks, all while being ignored by the guys they like.

So, this article is not just going to focus on the best way to meet guys generally, but also help you meet quality men that you’ll want to fall in love with!

Do What You Love

If you want to meet guys who share your interests, the best thing to do is actually do what you enjoy on a regular basis. I know this sounds like obvious advice, but it isn’t. Why? Because many people stopped doing what they loved years ago.

Most men and women spend their days doing what they hate. They work at a lousy job, drive an hour back home in crappy traffic, then watch TV until bed. On the weekends, they do housework and chores. Then, the cycle repeats.

If you want to meet men, you have to first look inside yourself and find out what you love to do. Then, go do it. This could be hobbies, group activities, or other interests. A few examples would be take a cooking class, join an athletic team, or go to club meetings.

When you do what you enjoy, you’re going to make sure that you’re having a good time and acting in line with your beliefs. Then, when you meet men, the odds will be better that they will share your values and you’ll be relaxed and happy to meet them.

Become A Regular

Going to new places and trying new things can be fun and exciting. But, if your goal is to meet guys, constantly changing things up can make your task more difficult.

If you want to meet men for a good relationship, you don’t just want to go with the first guy who talks to you. Instead, you want to meet many guys, get to know them, and develop trust. Then, you can pick the one who is the best for you. This is why I recommend that you find a place that you enjoy and become a regular there.

If you can find a venue that fits your personality (like a coffee shop or corner bar) and show up often, you can get to know other regular customers and even staff. Then, as you meet them, build trust, and develop friendships, you’ll find that romantic opportunities arise too.

Focus on Yourself

It might be shocking to hear, but perhaps the best way to meet men is to not focus on meeting men. Let me explain.

If you focus on yourself, live your best life, and enjoy being single, you will inevitably have an enjoyable time and radiate positive energy. In addition, you can have a detached mindset and avoid appearing desperate and needy.

By being detached and living a great life, you’ll be more likely to meet a great guy. Why? Happiness is attractive! So, if you’re struggling to meet men, step away from dating for awhile and embrace the single life. We have an entire video course to help you with this.

Get Out There!

I know a woman who rarely leaves her house except to go to the store. She wonders why she’s single and complains about it on social media. Yet, she hates when random guys hit her up online and certainly wouldn’t answer her door if one showed up there.

Yet, how does she expect to meet men if she never gets around them? These days, you can do almost everything from the comfort of your home: watch movies, pay your bills, get food and groceries delivered, and more. Outside of work, many people go days without leaving the house and socializing.

Loneliness is an epidemic in the United States and it can be hard to break the cycle. But, if you want to meet new people, especially for a relationship, you have to put yourself out there.

Today, I read a story about a couple, now madly in love, who met at a holiday party in their apartment complex. Neither wanted to go, but they overcame their doubts and showed up anyway. Now, they’re getting married.  Sometimes you don’t have to do anything except leave the house and show up!

Talk To Strangers

The phrase “don’t talk to strangers” is drilled into the heads of children for good reason. Yet, that advice can keep adults single and unhappy. If you want to know the best way to meet men, you have let go of what you learned in kindergarten.

I hear from countless women how they can’t meet men. Yet, men, good ones, are all around them. They just wait for those men to make the move and start conversations. When the guys keep quiet, nothing happens.

You’re likely around hundreds of men everyday. You see them at work, in the elevator, on the train, walking the streets, at your favorite restaurant, and in your neighborhood. If you see one who looks attractive and compatible, then talk to him!

We live in an age of female empowerment. If you think he looks safe and normal, then nothing should stop you from making the first move. At least say “hi” and go from there. If you have a good conversation, then give him your number or ask to add him on social media. Then, see what happens.

These tips will help you meet men and hopefully find a happy relationship. You don’t have to sit back and hope for the best. Take charge of your dating life, get out there, and find the man you deserve!