Double Trust Dating

Category: Relationships

Why Am I Attracted To Older Men? 5 Reasons You Love Mature Guys

A good friend of mine recently married the love of her life. While this doesn’t seem like news, he is 55 and she is 25. You don’t see that every day!

Age gaps were very common in the past and occasionally make the news today, usually involving celebrities or people in positions of power who are highly attractive. But, younger women who like older guys can still face hate, judgment, and ridicule, especially online.

As a result, they can’t always be honest about their feelings. So, they ask family, friends, and strangers, why am I attracted to older men?

If you like older guys, you’re not weird. The research is very clear that it doesn’t mean you have daddy issues or mental health problems. And, once you’re a legal adult, there is no rule that says you have to date someone within a certain age range (Even the “Half Your Age Plus Seven” rule is bogus). Younger women being attracted to older men is perfectly normal, and can even have many advantages.

This article is a “no judgment” zone, so save the hate for somewhere else. If you like older guys, younger guys, or guys your exact age, that’s your choice and I wish you the best. All preferences have advantages and disadvantages. But, this article will explain the reasons you’re attracted to older men and why that’s OK!

Maturity

Everyone knows that girls grow up faster than boys. Recent research shows that men reach emotional maturity at age 43 and women at 32. And, this eleven year gap likely happens early. It’s no surprise that women were twice as likely as men to feel that they were the “grown up” in their relationship.

I’ve heard many complaints from younger women about guys their age. They have no ambition, won’t grow up, and aren’t responsible adults. These guys only seem interested in video games, watching sports, and messing around. Many are even still living at home! These younger men aren’t “relationship material.”

Of course, there’s no guarantee an older guy will be mature. There are losers, jerks, and screw offs at every age. However, if a man is older, the odds are better you’ll get mature conversation, adult hobbies, and someone who doesn’t need you to be his mother.

Financial Stability

I hate the stereotype that women only use older men for their money. However, having your shit together is very attractive. And, studies show that financial success could be one reason women find older men attractive.

The current economic system rewards job experience and longevity. So, even if it seems unfair, an average guy in his forties will typically have more money than a smarter, more talented younger guy in the same field.

Also, over time, investments mature, money grows, and people find creative ways to make extra cash. Unless he’s born rich, a younger guy starting out simply doesn’t have the same opportunities

Don’t feel guilty or like a bad person because you want a successful man with money. As long as you love him for him, and not just for his money, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the travel, education, and other nice things that come with committing to a financially established guy. Of course, you’ll get hate: other women will be jealous that you’re with him while they’re probably constantly floating their broke boyfriend who just spent the last money from his paycheck on a new video game.

Life Experience

As men age, they not only mature, but get life experience. While there are exceptions, most older men have learned important lessons, gained education and wisdom, and created successful, stable lives.

Life experience is valuable in areas like money management, employment, household matters, and overall decision making. People with life experience are stronger and can stand up to others. They are teachers who can guide you to be the best. And, they’re usually more skilled in many areas, including in the bedroom.

If you’re asking “why am I attracted to older men?” you might love the experience older men bring to the relationship. For one, he is more likely to be great at sex, taking his time and making sure you’re satisfied (versus the “pump, pump, pull, and fall asleep” method of many younger guys). He makes smart decisions. You know that he will keep you safe and stable for years to come. And, you don’t have to act like his mom, because he isn’t immature like younger guys.

Confidence

As people gain life experience and mature, they also become more confident. The age at which confidence is highest might surprise you. It’s sixty! And, as people age, their confidence grows.

Women find genuinely confident men very attractive. They love a man who acts with power, strength and leadership, but isn’t arrogant, insecure, or aggressive. A lot of older guys have successfully developed this mature confidence through years of accomplishments, social interaction, and learning from their mistakes.

If you crave real confidence in your partner, you’re more likely to find it with someone older than you. This could explain why you find older guys attractive!

Success

I’ve written several books and had my ideas featured in major magazines like Cosmo, Psychology Today, and Playboy. I’m the CEO of a good sized company. I’ve appeared on radio and TV many times. In addition, I’ve completed countless obstacle course races, half marathons, and 5k runs.

I’m not a famous guy who went viral. Rather, when I was younger, I worked my ass off to be the best version of myself. And, I put in great effort to achieve my goals. Then, I was accomplishing. Now that I’m older, I’m actually accomplished.

You might find older guys attractive because of their successes. You can take pride in their achievements and be a part of their success now. Rather than helping someone younger build a dream (which is also OK!), you want to live the dream now. There’s nothing wrong with that!

Even though a lot of women like older men, age gap relationships are rare. Many women feel pressure to conform and that means dating someone their own age. Many women just assume an older guy won’t be interested in them, which is very far from the truth.

I know quite a few women who deeply loved an older guy, but rejected him to marry someone their family or friends liked. They played it safe and ended up miserable.

If you’re attracted to older men, then find them, date them, and fall in love with them. Be bold! The world would be a better place if people were with those they truly loved. Don’t settle with someone just to make others happy.

January 27, 2021
Why Do Guys Change After You Sleep With Them? 5 Reasons Why

Many of my coaching clients struggle to process their feelings after they sleep with someone for the first time. Not only are they processing feelings, but they guy is also processing feelings. This can create a lot of emotional volatility and turn a great thing (sex) into something confusing.

Women often ask, why do guys change after you sleep with them? The short answer is: sex changes everything!

But, I can’t always give a clearer answer because the changes can be very unique to different men. It can make guys more likely to commit or make them run away. It can deepen a relationship or pull it apart.

However, if a guy you slept with has changed, this article will explain the possible reasons.

His Brain Changed

A friend of mine wanted to get in a “friends with benefits” situation with a guy. I warned her that once the “benefits” started, she might have trouble being just friends. Sure enough, after two weeks of sex, she wanted more.

Simply put, sex changes the brain in incredible ways. Each time people sleep together, their brains release a cocktail of hormones. These chemicals interact in ways that scientists don’t fully understand. But, the hormones create a mixture of excitement, passion, pleasure and bonding.

And, that can seriously mess up a brain, leading to all sorts of new feelings and urges towards you. If he changed, you can bet that those changes involve processing all of the crazy new feelings related to you and your relationship. Some guys might be afraid of these feelings, and could become distant or withdraw because they don’t really want to be attached to you in that way.

He Faked An Emotional Connection For Sex

If you’re asking why do guys change after you sleep with them because he seems different, the answer might be bad news. Some guys truly do just want sex and they will “say what it takes” in the moment to achieve that goal. Many guys know exactly what women want to hear to feel comfortable, and they will express interest in a relationship or even to work hard to build an emotional connection. Then, once they sleep with you, they’ll move on because they achieved their real goal, which was sex.

The easiest way to tell if a guy did this is to look at his before and after behavior. If he said a lot of sweet and loving things to get you into bed, but, afterwards becomes distant and uninterested, then he probably views you as another sexual conquest.

Look at his continued behavior. If he won’t respond to you, refuses to see you, and has ghosted you, then you can pretty much assume that he used the emotional time with you to get sex, and has moved on.

He Just Wants More Sex

Men, in general, have a higher sex drive than women and want it more often. You might have started out as more emotionally connected, but he no longer wants that now that you two slept together. He’s all about the sex!

You could find this troubling, especially if all he wants to do is get busy in the bedroom. Some guys get so focused on sex that it becomes their number one priority. Now that you gave it to him, he wants nothing else.

But this isn’t all bad news.

If he still wants a relationship and seems emotionally connected, then more sex can be a good thing, especially if you love it too!

But, if he only wants you for sex and has lost interest in other aspects of the relationship, then you’ll have to decide if you can live with that.

He Is Scared

Remember how I mentioned that sex changes brains? For people who have trust issues, difficulty bonding, or the inability to cope, those brain changes can cause anxiety and panic.

The guy you slept with could be developing greater feelings for you, but he might not feel ready for a relationship. Or, he might doubt that he can handle one. He also could have originally wanted you as a friend or lover and can’t handle the new feelings of love.

Whatever his issues, sex made them worse and he couldn’t handle his emotions. When this happens, most guys will run away, go quiet, and, above all, seem different.

If you both feel love for each other, you’ll want to have open communication and encourage him to resolve his issues related to sex and commitment.

You Changed, Not Him

One chemical released during sex is oxytocin, sometimes called the cuddle chemical. It is strongly associated with bonding, not just lovers, but also a mother and child. However, oxytocin and other brain chemicals aren’t released equally in men and women.

During sex, the female brain releases large quantities of oxytocin. Male brains, on the other hand, release less oxytocin and more dopamine. Dopamine is the pleasure chemical and is associated with the reward system in the brain.

So, while women feel pleasure and an urge to bond during sex, men primarily feel pleasure with a little bit of bonding thrown in.

If you wonder why men change after you sleep with them, the best answer might be that he didn’t change: you did.

During sex, your hormones caused you to feel both pleasure and a deeper connection to him. He possibly just felt pleasure. And, if you continued to have sex, this gap would’ve grown larger. You want even more bonding, but he just wants more sex.

Of course, men can bond, in general and during sex. But, if you’ve noticed that he changed or seems different, you might be falling in love with him, but he simply enjoys the sex.

And, another interesting fact is that testosterone blocks oxytocin in the brain. So, men particularly high in testosterone (in many cases, the most attractive and confident men out there) may even be less likely to feel an emotional bond after sex.

This article should help you decode why a guy changed after sleeping with you. But, if you can’t figure it out, the best course of action is to be honest and ask. All men are different and open communication is the key to success in any relationship.

January 24, 2021
How Your Ego Is Hurting Your Romantic Life

Buddhists often speak about “attachment,” and according to the Buddhist “Four Noble Truths,” attachment is the cause of suffering. Remove attachment, and you will no longer suffer.

This relates to “ego” because ego (i.e. a permanent and unchanging self, in Buddhist terms, atta) is the illusion that we are a certain way, life is a certain way, or that we have to behave a certain way, which creates attachment. Ego is the part of us that has to always be right, can’t change plans, or insists that something must be done in an x, y, or z fashion. Ego wants to be in complete control and micromanages everything.

Ego is inflexible and boring, and misses the surprises and lessons in life while it’s trying to perfectly keep everything in control, which it can never do. Ego lives in the future, is always worried about outcome, and then is never actually happy or content once that outcome arrives. Ego’s attachment is like someone who clings so hard to a precious item that she destroys it.

Our egos cause us to “cling” to expectations (such as “I must be engaged by 25” or “I have to date someone who makes x amount of money”), and if we don’t meet these expectations, we suffer.

The problem, as Buddhists put it, is that life is full of ups and downs, so therefore you can never avoid suffering by trying to completely control life via ego. I should note that avoiding attachment does not mean not trying. It simply means doing the most honest, authentic thing without clinging to the result.

This is where ego can destroy your romantic life, and why it is destroying it for many people, especially in 2020, where social media and other factors provide plenty of fodder for unhealthy attachment to outcomes because it is so easy to compare ourselves to others.

When you live from ego, you make excuses, deny yourself the things you really want, and experience anxiety and frustration.

Let me give you a great example of living in ego, and how it leads to frustration. Let me also acknowledge that even telling this story accurately is challenging, because my ego wants to leave out details that will make me look imperfect. Why? Because I’m a dating coach! My ego says “if you’re a dating coach, you aren’t allowed to ever struggle with dating!” Damn ego. Anyway…

A few years ago I was really trying to find someone to date. I was working a lot, not around a lot of single women I was attracted to, and it was challenging to meet new people. The online dating apps were drying up thanks to algorithm changes.

I went to an Arkells concert, because I enjoyed the band and loved the intimate venue. I was having fun with no expectations of anything except to be there and have fun.

With that attitude, without even trying, I met a few women. It was a really fun night and almost magical how quickly I got along with them and they practically asked for my number.

I went to a concert a few days later, and I built up the expectation that I needed to meet people there too. So instead of going to just enjoy a concert, I created a lot of expectations.

And…that concert experience was awful. It wasn’t fun. I didn’t appreciate the music the way I should (even though there were great bands there like Label Me Lecter and Shaed). I didn’t end up meeting anyone. I ended up leaving early in frustration to sit in another venue pretty much alone. The funny thing is that for a lot of people that concert was probably amazing! In fact, it objectively was. However my attachment and ego made it a miserable experience.

And, to protect my ego (and that of my friend’s) we both concluded “we didn’t want to meet anyone anyway!” Yeah right! The ego can be such a liar.

A few weeks later I wanted to go out for St. Patrick’s Day. Rather than just looking for an event that was fun and that I enjoyed, I meticulously looked for a place where I thought the most attractive people would be. After spending literally hours doing this, when I showed up, the crowd was thin. I lamented that “nobody was here” (which wasn’t true).

I ended up bolting from there and driving to various places, desperately chasing the outcome of being in a huge crowd of attractive people. Not surprisingly, I didn’t have fun, didn’t find the crowd I sought, and didn’t meet anyone. I did, however, suffer. I was angry, frustrated, and resentful.

It’s not just me. It’s ego that tells you have to be married by 30, so you better settle down with that guy who does nothing for you! So, in chasing this ego version of happiness, you end up unhappy….saddled to a dude you don’t even really like for years, until the divorce that is!

It’s ego that tells you that if you’re in your 30s you can’t date someone in their 20s, even though you’re genuinely happy around that person. So, you are attached to appropriateness, so yeah, be careful what you wish for: you’ll end up dumping that younger person, and be with a person who is very appropriate to your family and friends but whom you can’t stand!

It’s ego that tells you even though he makes you happy and you have chemistry, that his job isn’t good enough. So, your attachment to status means you’ll have a big house and nice car with a guy you hate, which means that big house will just feel like a well-decorated prison.

It’s ego that says you have to have a partner to be happy. So, you spend all day worrying about or looking for a partner, which, ironically, makes you needy and unattractive. When you do find a partner, the solace you sought from the relationship will never come because relationships bring their own problems.

One exercise I have found very helpful in lessening my ego’s influence in dating, relationships, and life in general is to use the “maybe exercise” outlined in Susan Jeffers’ great book Embracing Uncertainty. It is very simple and I dismissed it at first (because my ego basically said “if it’s simple, it can’t work!), but it is a very powerful technique.

Whenever you find yourself expressing attachment or expectation to something, simply add “or maybe I won’t” or some variant to the phrase.

“I’ll meet someone great on Tinder…or maybe I won’t.”

“She and I will end up getting married…or maybe we won’t.”

“If I approach her, she’ll reject me…or maybe she won’t.”

“If this relationship ends I’ll be devastated…or maybe I won’t.”

“She’ll come back into my life…or maybe she won’t.”

“I won’t be satisfied unless I date someone who is ____…or maybe I will be.”

“He probably won’t text me back…or maybe he will.”

Try it! It’s simple and actually works. Avoid phrasing it like “I don’t care if he texts me back” or “I don’t really want to meet someone tonight.” Remember the ego loves to lie to protect itself, because the illusion it creates is fragile. If you do care and do want to meet someone, to phrase it like this is simply your ego getting in the way even more.

Your ego may be why you’re dateless or in an unhappy relationship.

As Alan Watts points out, when discussing nirvana, when you give up the illusion that things have to be a certain way (to quote Elsa, when you “let it go”), then you can finally breathe out and let out a “whewwwwww,” which is one translation of the word nirvana. And that’s when you’ll see a shift in how you approach dating and relationships, and also in the outcome.

December 16, 2020
Why Do Guys Flirt When They Are Not Interested? 5 Surprising Answers

One of the biggest complaints I hear from women as a dating coach is that a guy seems interested in them, they read the signs, feel a connection, then nothing happens.

Usually, they have a great date, but he never calls them back. In some cases, they meet a man online and have fun, flirty conversations, and then he ghosts them. Or, they meet a great guy somewhere like a club, they flirt, and he won’t make a move.

Many women ask why do guys flirt if they are not interested? Men ask the same question of women, of course.

Flirting is the human “language” of attraction. It evolved as a negotiation process where both partners determine mutual attraction. So, when you flirt with someone else and they flirt back, you’re both determining sexual compatibility–or lack of it. It’s a way of safely testing the waters without being overt, and in a way, it’s the subtle, often non-verbal, mating dance of humans.

This means that not every instance of flirting leads to romance. If it seemed like you had a great connection with a guy but nothing happened, this article will explain why he flirted, but wasn’t interested.

You Felt It; He Didn’t

When I was a junior in high school, I had a huge crush on a freshman girl. I talked to her all the time and even let her share my locker. We flirted a lot, but when I asked her to go to a dance with me, she turned me down.

Looking back, I flirted, but she didn’t really return the favor. Remember, flirting is a negotiation process towards a relationship. I had determined that she would make a great partner. But, she didn’t agree.

Sometimes guys will be friendly, funny, and charming with you and you take it as flirting and flirt with them. But, they don’t feel a romantic connection. You just felt something strong and assumed they did too. If he isn’t interested, then he likely didn’t feel it, or at least not on the level you did.

He Can’t Date You

If you met a guy who seemed great and clearly flirted back, it’s possible that he does like you. But, for whatever reason, he can’t date you.

For example, if you met him online, then he might secretly be in a relationship. So, he might like you and enjoyed the flirting, but he can’t take it any further. A lot of people on dating apps are married or in a relationship. One study confirmed that 42 percent of all people on Tinder aren’t even single!

Or, he might feel attracted to you and be single, but he has trouble coping with actual relationships. This could be due to trust issues or emotional problems. He also might not be ready for a relationship or wants a different type (e.g. casual). He flirts and he’s interested, but can’t or won’t give you the kind of relationship you want.

He Is Clueless

If you’re wondering why do guys flirt when they are not interested, you need to look at a basic male-female difference.

Studies have shown that men are simply less skilled than women at reading emotional and social cues. And, flirting occurs in the limbic system, which is the non-logical part of the brain associated with…you guessed it…emotion.

So, a guy might be enjoying your company, showing you his humor, charm, and wit, but not be picking up on your flirting.

He might not only be clueless about your flirting, but he might not even be aware that he is flirting! He could be overthinking the whole situation too.

This means that he is interested in some level, but can’t or won’t take the next logical step of asking you out.

He Likes Attention

You know what is incredibly fun? Flirting! I personally love nothing more than meeting someone new and attractive, making a connection, and then having a fun, friendly, exciting conversation with her.

Flirting releases many feel-good chemicals in the brain. And, like with anything pleasurable, some people get addicted to the feeling.

As a result, many guys will flirt because they enjoy the feeling that comes with it. They enjoy the attention of women that flirting brings. But, rather than actually wanting a connection, they simply want to flirt. So, if you want more, then they will come across as just a tease.

He Is Interested (But May Not Admit It)

Remember earlier what I said about some men being dense and clueless? Well, that could be good news for you!

If a guy flirts with you, and does it consistently, then it represents a very strong sign of attraction. Remember, however, that flirting happens in the emotional part of the brain. This means that he is subconsciously attracted to you, but might not logically know it yet.

So, if you continue to notice him flirting with you, I would bet that he actually does like you. Something, however, is holding him back. This is especially true if you only notice him flirting in certain places or contexts, like if he’s been drinking alcohol.

You might need to make your intentions clear, try to move the relationship to another level, or make him feel more comfortable by letting him know that you want him to make a move.

And, sometimes even if you do try to ask him out, he still may turn you down.

Why? For the same reason women will flirt with a guy heavily, but still turn him down. Maybe he doesn’t see a future. Maybe he knows your personalities are too different, or maybe his friends and family expect him to date a certain type of person, and you’re not it, even if he does feel a lot of attraction. Sadly, many people are highly out of touch with what they really want.

I hope this article helped you better understand the guy in your life who flirts, but also doesn’t seem interested.

Remember, however, that in the end, men, like women, are complicated and you might not figure out the exact reason. If you truly need to know, just ask!

December 10, 2020
If He Likes Me, He’d Have Let Me Know By Now, Right?

I see a variation on this theme a lot when talking to women in various capacities, so I thought I’d finally address it here.

Whether it’s an acquaintance, guy in a friend group, co-worker, etc, many women feel a connection, but wonder why this guy they may be crushing on just won’t make a move or show much interest beyond something platonic! It just doesn’t make sense.

But look at it from a guy’s perspective. Many women have this idea in their head that men need to be super confident, almost inhuman pursuers of women, when it’s the guy they like.

On the one hand, you ladies criticize men for being overly forward and call out any guy who is if you don’t like him.

As a guy in 2020, unless the context is very clear (like on a dating app), it’s very hard to convey interest in a way that is both forward, but also subtle.

So, this has many women wondering if a guy friend, co-worker, or acquaintance is interested in her, because it seems like he is just sending out “friend vibes.”

So, I’ll help you out with this.

Most men are attracted to their physically attractive co-workers, friends, acquaintances, and even random women they see walking down the street. If a guy knew he could ask out any of them with zero social consequences, he would.

And, we men define attractiveness pretty generously, and far more generously than women do. The OK Cupid data show that men find about 60% of women attractive, whereas for women, it’s about 20% of men.

So, the odds are probably in your favor that the guy you are talking to finds you attractive. If you find yourself getting a lot of likes from guys on social media, a lot of matches on Tinder, and a lot of guys hitting on you regularly, then it’s a pretty safe bet you’re attractive and the guy you’re wondering about thinks the same!

So, why doesn’t this guy that you like actually show you interest?? Like I said earlier, social consequences.

Many guys have been burned in the past by asking women out, or showing interest, and it failed miserably. Imagine you’re a guy for a moment. Literally imagine yourself walking up and doing what I’m about to describe.

Imagine you get the guts to tell a woman in your social circle (or at a gym or bar where you are a regular) that you are interested (are you slightly terrified?). Imagine, then you misread everything, and get rejected! Are you even more terrified that you will have to see that woman and her friends again??

Yeah, and many guys have done just this and experienced this in the past. So, this is why many guys just don’t show a lot of interest even if they like a woman.

Now, here is what you can do if you like a guy like this. You have to show him that it’s okay to take that risk with you. You are wondering why a guy is showing you only platonic signs, but he is wondering the same thing about you!

So, you may have to give this guy a massive number of green lights to get him to overcome the potential social consequences of asking you out.

Smile, gently touch him, find a reason to get him to text you, suggest that instead of texting about something you meet for coffee, etc. You can still be subtle (so as not to risk the consequences for yourself), but you must be obvious as well.

Or, you can just ask him out! It is 2020 after all. There is no reason a woman can’t ask a guy out.

December 7, 2020
Why Is My Boyfriend So Boring? The Answer Might Surprise You

A friend of mine recently came to me for advice about the guy she was marrying in a year. He had a good job, her parents liked him, and he treated her well. Everything seemed “perfect,” to an outsider at least.

The problem? She felt nothing. No chemistry. No butterflies. Nothing.

She vented to me because her friends invited her boyfriend and her to a concert and he wanted to stay home and play video games. Then, he got mad when she went to the concert alone! She finally blurted out, “why is my boyfriend so boring???”

To be honest, I hear this complaint from friends, clients, and even random women I meet. They want to live a fun, thrilling life like something out of a romantic movie, but their boyfriends are overly nice agreeable types with very little excitement in their lives.

If you want to know why your boyfriend is so boring, this article will give you reasons. The first three reasons will explain why a boyfriend who previously was exciting suddenly turned boring. If your boyfriend has always been boring, the last explanation will answer your question.

He’s Depressed

Many guys live exciting, fun lives in their youth, then get into the daily grind of work and responsibilities. They give up on their dreams and the day-to-day troubles of work sap their energy and vitality and they hate it. The result? Depression.

Nearly thirty percent of men have suffered from depression at one point in their lives. And, male depression often goes un-diagnosed for long periods. One of the major symptoms of depression is losing interest in hobbies a person previously enjoyed.

If you see other symptoms of depression in your boyfriend, you will want to encourage him to seek help. That will not only help get your boyfriend’s mental health on track, but also make him more likely to return to his original excitement and passion for life.

He’s Stressed

Even if your boyfriend isn’t suffering from depression or another mental issue, he still might be extremely stressed and it can affect his mood.

Take a look at his life and see if he has a lot of stressors. The biggest stressor for most people, by far, is their job. So, if you know work has stressed him out or he’s working long hours, then he probably won’t feel like pursuing excitement.

When people experience stress, they find it hard to remove their focus from the stressors. So, your boyfriend might want to do fun and exciting things, but his stress eats at him so he prefers to stay home and rest. And, this comes across as “boring.”

If your boyfriend suffers from high stress, you can help by using empathy. Understand his feelings and position. Try to help him relieve some of his stress and make things easier, if possible. Then, you will find that he becomes more willing to do exciting activities.

The Relationship Made Him Boring

A good friend of mine was fun and exciting when he first met his ex-girlfriend. She loved his passion, energy, and charisma. No one would describe him as boring.

However, she insisted that he stay at home with her most nights. She got mad when he went out with friends or acted spontaneously. And, he was working two jobs because she wanted an expensive engagement ring and a better apartment.

She would regularly ask, why is my boyfriend so boring? But, the relationship made him that way! An exciting, unique person turned into an average boyfriend who went to his job, came home, worked around the house, watched TV, and went to bed.

Many men and women settle down into the life they think will make them happy. Perhaps this is what happened with you and your boyfriend. You followed, and are following, every “expectation.” You dated for a year, moved into together, are moving toward engagement, and are living a typical settled life. Maybe you even pressured him to be “less fun” at times out of jealousy he’d impress other women.

On the one hand, you complain your boyfriend is boring, and you may even be getting a little too flirtatious with the new guy at work. Yet at the same time, if your boyfriend even slightly questions the settled routine you live, you lash out at him.

Maybe you turned into a couple whose hobbies consist of eating out together and watching Netflix. This is one reason why the average person gains 36 pounds in a relationship (and men gain it more quickly!), which will guaranteed lessen both of your energy, overall health, and sexual abilities.

If you feel like you and your boyfriend have lost a spark or passion, look at how you’ve settled in the relationship. I would bet you’ve both created a pretty standard and somewhat “boring” life for yourselves.

He Is Boring

If your boyfriend has never excited you and your relationship has always lacked a spark, then I have some unfortunate news.

Your boyfriend is just boring. And, it’s possible that by being with him and accepting this, that you’re pretty boring too.

Some people don’t live exciting lives and have no desire to do so. They play everything safe, do what they’re told, lack creativity, and can’t thrive in social environments. They aren’t funny, and may even be annoying. They are friendly, functional, and decent people. But, they’re boring!

Many people pick partners who look great “on paper.” So, your boyfriend could be tall, educated, doesn’t offend your family, has a socially acceptable job, and acts in a stable way (pays his bills, etc.).

But, relationships don’t exist “on paper.” Neither does attraction. Attraction and chemistry occur in the limbic region of the brain, the part associated with emotions. No one thinks up raw attraction and chemistry. You feel it.

You can’t logically talk your way into attraction either. So, there are many women who have boyfriends who seem “perfect.” Yet, there is no chemistry, passion, or joy in the relationship, and as we argue, chemistry is very important.

A few weeks ago I was at a local hangout with David. We were just sitting there and a women in her early 20s came up and started talking to us. Not only was she hanging all over us, but she started talking about her crush not messaging her back.

We asked her about that, and it came out her “crush” wasn’t her boyfriend. When we asked her what she liked about her boyfriend, all she could muster was “well, he is really nice and has never cheated on me.”

We reminded her that this is no basis for a relationship and she should let him go.

How many of you reading this with a boring boyfriend would only be able to muster up a similar reason you are with your guy? Something like “well, he’s not that awful.”

For those of you settling with someone you don’t find all that attractive, there is a not-so-surprising answer to the question, why is my boyfriend so boring?

He is boring! It’s who he is and he’s not going to change.

I advise my friends and clients to throw out superficial “checklists” and find what they really want in a guy. And, “chemistry” must be on your list!

If your boyfriend is boring due to a total lack of chemistry, I advise breaking up, for his sake and yours.

Harsh? Maybe. But, do you really want to be in a relationship with no passion, living a life of boredom, and constantly getting crushes on men who do make you feel something? Most people would say, “hell no!”

There are guys who will make you feel excitement and passion, who also have the values and stability you admire in your boring-ass boyfriend. You just have to find them.

August 6, 2020
Why Do You Ignore Your Partner’s Red Flags? The Science Behind It

When you’re in love with him, he’s a misunderstood creative type, who does his own thing…a dashing rebel whom nobody, including your friends and the county judge, understands but you.

After you break up you realize he was a lazy, manipulative bum on parole who just wouldn’t work and probably used you for sex and a place to stay.

We’ve all been there. I’ve ignored a lot of “crazy” over the years for a pretty face or a nice body. I’ve justified bad behaviors from women to my family and friends, only to realize years later they were actually right.

One woman I dated in college not only smoked (which I hated), but she also shoplifted from Wal-Mart for the fun of it. She turned out to be a good person as she matured, but dating her ran contrary to my values (and baffled my friends) because there were many, many women around me I could have dated who didn’t do those things!

Yet I consistently defended her and spent time with her…until she cheated on me with her ex a few months later. At that point, the scales fell off of my eyes.

So, why do we ignore red flags that are obvious to others?

You can thank your brain.

Research using brain scans of couples who are in love shows just how mind-altering being “in love” is.

If you look at the study, researchers found

[The chemical changes from being in love deactivated a] common set of [brain] regions associated with negative emotions, social judgment and ‘mentalizing’, that is, the assessment of other people’s intentions and emotions.

In other words, being in love makes your brain unable to accurately assess your partner, and prevents you from feeling negativity towards him or her.

So, he does drugs? That’s okay because he’s just experimenting and all kinds of people use drugs!

She hasn’t talked to her daughter for five years? She’s still a great mom. Everyone just gangs up on her!

He’s asking you to head to Vegas and get married after a few months, even though he hasn’t worked in two years and crashes at your place? Cooool! You’ll figure out details like money later!

Even though you’re a strong Christian, and are passing over twenty Christian men in your church for him, it’s okay, because you really feel that God is calling you to save his soul. After all, that is part of the mission of Christ!

She’s messaging some exes even though you’re engaged, and screams at you in a drunken rage when you ask about it? Hey, nobody’s perfect! You try finding any decent woman these days who doesn’t act like that!

We laugh at these justifications for red-flag behavior, but when you’re in love, your brain actually convinces you you’re right.

The researchers basically concluded that falling in love creates a brain chemistry that delivers a deadly “one-two punch” that also keeps us hooked on that person, by not only becoming blind to faults, but also strongly activating our brain’s reward circuitry.

What happens chemically when you’re in love, is that dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin, and norepinephrine centers in the brain light up. We feel elation and excitement, and a feeling of bliss when we are around our partners. Sex and cuddling intensify it.

We also develop very strong attachment. Oxytocin is the same chemical that creates the strong bond between women and their children.

Our brains make being around our partners so amazing, we’ll abandon friends, family, and hobbies for them (sound familiar?). But what happens when you don’t get attention from your partner?

That’s when we start feeling awful; we feel emotional pain and discomfort. As anybody who has been in love knows, if you’re waiting for that text to come in, and it doesn’t, you feel anxiety, jealousy, and even anger…up until the point it arrives…and then everything is fine again.

If you think all of this is similar to how an addict’s brain works, you’re right: many researchers believe that love is a type of addiction. And, if you have ever known an addict, you know that like those in love, addicts also deny that there are any problems that result from their addictive behaviors. Everything is “fine,” even if they are surrounded by red flags, which, remember they can’t see anyway.

So yes, your brain is tricking you into seeing your partner as nearly divine, unable to have a single red flag. The question then is, how can someone who is in love begin to see through this trickery and make an honest evaluation of their partner?

And therein lies the problem! Your brain is responsible for perception. When the very organ responsible for perceiving trickery is the source of that trickery, well, you’re basically screwed.

It’s not necessarily that bleak, but it is hard to get someone deeply in love to see the red flags. Usually, people do see the red flags eventually, but that’s only because time has passed. The “in love” brain chemistry, at least the dopamine and norepinephrine elements, dies down after a year or two. This is when the scales often fall off the eyes and you say “I had sex with that??”

The bonding chemicals (oxytocin and vasopressin) may exert their influence for many, many years, so it’s possible your brain could ignore red flags for life.

The only real solution, which we teach in our “How To Spot And Avoid Jerks” talk is to prevent yourself from falling for someone with a lot of red flags before it happens. Being in touch with your values, trusting your gut, and being able to recognize subtle signs of potentially bad behavior before falling head over heels, is the key. However, I should note that we believe this is gut and heart based and should not be “checklist” based.

Unfortunately, love can be swift and powerful, and sometimes it happens before you can stop it. This is why love is portrayed in Roman and Greek mythology as a mischievous god-baby, who strikes with no rhyme or reason and renders his victims nearly insane.

So, maybe you can’t prevent it, but at least you know it’s happening to you. Enjoy the ride because your brain will ensure it will be red flag free…at least for a few years.

Please join us on our Facebook page as we discuss finding love in 2019!

July 1, 2020
Dating Karma: You Are Getting Out Of Dating What You Put In

You hear the word “karma” thrown around a lot with dating. It’s usually used in a negative sense – as a way to declare that an ex or someone who rejected you will “get what they deserve.” In this sense, karma is basically used to mean “you’ll get what you deserve because you wronged me!” In fact, you may be reading this because you want some sweet, sweet karma to be visited upon someone you can’t stand.

I’m here to tell you that karma, as it is understood in an Eastern philosophical sense, is much deeper than just a drama-queen (or king) using the term on a social media post after he or she got mad at someone.

Whether you believe it to be something spiritual or supernatural (as Christians believe in a God who dispenses divine justice), or even just an accurate, rational description of how reality plays out, your dating life is definitely impacted by karma, but probably not in the way you think (hint: I am suggesting karma is about YOU, not the person you’re angry at).

I have no idea if karma is some sort of actual reality, spiritual or otherwise, but it is a useful way to understand life.

Alan Watts, Episcopal minister turned Buddhist academic, offers perhaps the simplest definition of karma as it applies to dating and other areas of life as transcribed from one of his many lectures:

“You always get what you want, invariably, even though you may think it’s entirely opposed to your wishes. But, if it’s your karma, everything that happens to you…

To put it in another way, everything that comes to you is a return to you of what goes out of you. Yes, obviously that’s absurd, if you confine the definition of “yourself” to your voluntary, conscious, behavior.

[However] that’s a ridiculous definition of “oneself.” “Oneself” by any stretch of the imagination, must involve far more than the conscious, voluntary aspects of our behavior.

To summarize: you get out of life what you put into it, but what you put in is more than just what you think you’re putting in. You are putting in a lot of subconscious behavior that you don’t even acknowledge, and may even be blind to.

Most of us think that our conscious, ego-based intentions are what we are “putting into” life. But the ego is filled with fantasy. The ego tells us that we “deserve” something, even if our lives don’t reflect what we deserve. The ego says “I eat like crap and brag about it, but I deserve to be thin” or “I joke about never reading a book, but I want to date a guy who is smart.”

Karma isn’t based on your fantasies or what you think you deserve. Karma is based on what you put into the world.

A friend of mine realized he was “settling” for women that were “beneath him.” However, look at it this way…karma doesn’t care what your ego thinks. If you are dating them, they aren’t “beneath you”: they are at your level. Dating them reflects who you really are, and it should come as no surprise that if you date people like that, then that is what will come into your life. I mean, hell, he dated a woman like this for over a year. Which is more accurate in terms of “influencing reality,” his internal thought that he deserved someone better, or his action of committing to that type of woman for over a year?

My friend stopped messing around with women like that, stood up to women who mistreated him, and actually turned down ones that didn’t fit with his values, and guess what? Within a month he found a woman who was perfect for him.

I’m going to provide two real-life examples of dating karma in action and I’ll keep it very simple, but blunt.

The first example is a guy I almost worked with as a client. I was very cool with him and listened to a lot of his issues before taking him on (or charging him). What I noticed was a tendency to make excuses for why he was single for years. He is a successful guy by most metrics, but he was horribly unsuccessful at dating. He spent a lot of his time doing a variety of things and whenever I wanted to discuss getting his shit together, he’d always want to talk about something else. Something “came up” so he couldn’t work with me as a client, but he said he would get back to me, but never did. That is fine. Over the years I have learned not to work with unmotivated clients.

A few months ago I heard from him again, to question whether dating was possible during this pandemic. Years later, and there is yet another excuse.

Karma.

Here is another example. A friend of mine is constantly posting on social media about the lack of good guys out there. I see the memes, complaining, etc, constantly. Yet, she gets on dating apps only to kill time. She activates her profile when she needs a confidence boost, deactivates it soon after, and doesn’t message back. She lets the conversations die and ghosts people frequently. If a guy approaches her in public, she clams up or gets pissed at him for being a creep. At work, she is the opposite: she is organized and takes names and kicks butt. She is successful in her career and will talk to strangers if it means furthering her career.

She laments the lack of dates with quality guys, but is advancing at work.

By Watts’ definition, she thinks she is putting out a “give me a quality guy!” to the universe because she talks about it a lot and thinks about it, but the reality is otherwise.

Karma.

Karma isn’t a “bitch”; it just is.

During this quarantine I read that the average person is streaming eight hours of content a day. From a karmic perspective many people are going to come out of this pandemic with a lot more knowledge of a their favorite shows. And, they will have been entertained.

But many will still complain that the pandemic is a “horrible time” to start a business, find a date, get in shape, or be socially fulfilled. Yet, there are many people who are finding success doing those things. But, I promise you they aren’t watching Netflix for eight hours a day.

Again, I’m not even judging. It just is. You put in that, and get out that.

Karma defined this way is actually a relief to me. I am happy that generally speaking I get out of life what I put in.

I look back at my dating and relationships in the past and I can clearly see what was happening. I considered myself confident, physically attractive, hilarious, enlightened, wise, and having everything figured out.

In reality, none of that was true most of the time. And my dating life and relationships reflected the reality, not the fantasy my ego set up. There wasn’t some mean outside force making me dateless or in unfulfilling relationships: it was what I was putting in.

And, just as I lost 50 pounds, and went from being unable to run a mile to running over five half-marathons and seven Tough Mudder races thanks to changing my actions, when I change what I put “into” reality, I can change what I get out of it. And so can you.

April 30, 2020
Dating In The Time Of Coronavirus (Positives, Negatives, and Adapting)

The coronavirus disease, also called Covid-19, is impacting virtually every area of our lives. And, it is also impacting dating and relationships in real ways. In many states (definitely in my state of Ohio), bars and restaurants are closed (except for carryout). Mass gatherings are banned. Concerts and festivals are prohibited as well. Dating during a worldwide pandemic is a new thing for a lot of people!

Our traditional means of meeting people, going on dates, and even keeping relationships thriving have changed significantly in just the last few weeks. So, here are some of my thoughts on dating during this time. I’ll list a few of what I consider the negatives, the positives, and how people can (and will) adapt.

First, let’s start with the negatives because I basically just mentioned some.

The main negative is that meeting people “offline” is very limited right now. Bars, restaurants, places of worship, and many workplaces are closed. These are traditionally where people meet potential dates and romantic partners.

Another major negative is that traditional first dates are going to be very hard to do. Dinner dates, getting drinks, and going to concerts will be nearly impossible.

Hookups with strangers aren’t going to be as easy, unless you already know them in some capacity. Most hookups happen after an initial meeting out, and alcohol is often involved. The current situation is going to make this challenging, especially for women who aren’t often comfortable meeting strangers at a private location right away for sex.

The main negative is that a lot of people will just continue the bad dating habits that have kept them single and miserable in relationships. Doing these negative things in the current reality will just make dating even more challenging than before, since this virus is going to be a great excuse for low energy behaviors. These include things like ghosting, not engaging online matches, avoiding exercise, overeating and drinking, guys acting desperate and thirsty, women posting photos only for “likes” and then complaining nobody substantial ever comes into their lives, and so forth.

So that’s the negatives. Here are some positives and adaptations that I think could come from this. Please use some of these ideas if you are feeling overwhelmed by negativity right now. I do believe that dating during this time is very possible and may even result in stronger connections!

One main positive is that people may have to actually be open to meeting people everywhere instead of just in bars. A lot of people hate meeting people at bars, but feel like that is their only offline option. I have said for a long time that since everyone seems to hate online dating and meeting people at bars, then we should work to make meeting people at other places (like grocery stores) more socially acceptable.

People still are getting out some, mainly at grocery stores and restaurant take-outs. I also saw a lot of people when I was running outside. While being aware of social distancing, I noticed a lot of people seemed very hungry to engage others. The usual “leave me alone” looks have been replaced with “I need some human interaction” looks. I have seen a lot more smiles, waves, and friendliness. This could be a good time to meet a new friend or even a date, and joking about social distancing could be a great opener.

Another positive is that people will be forced to stop with boring and expensive dinner and bar dates. I’ve been pushing for this for years because these lackluster dates often don’t go anywhere. Right now in most places, you can still legally meet in parks, libraries, grocery stores, and even (gasp) meet in a nice neighborhood and take a walk (or go for a run). And, these dates are completely free.

And, of course, online dating is still available as an option to meet people, as are conducting “virtual” dates via FaceTime, Skype, and even through phone calls.

In fact, this relates to one of the major positives and adaptations I hope will come from this: ironically, a crisis that is separating us from people will hopefully make us realize how important it is to connect with others.

I think people are seeing that relationships and human connections matter, and a lot of what we thought mattered and we prioritized, isn’t there. The company that you overworked for, which you put ahead of finding a partner, just laid you off. The weekend partying you relied on to make your miserable workweek sufferable isn’t an option right now. And, the money you thought made you happy isn’t available if you’re laid off. I’m not minimizing the value of any of these things (I like money, working, and partying!), just saying that these things are not more important than actual human connections.

And, I hope this attitude will result in more openness and humanity in general when it comes to dating, but especially on dating apps. Maybe there will be less ghosting, less flakiness, and less extreme pickiness. Maybe people will realize that to make a real connection you ladies need to offer more than just a “hey” opener, and guys need to stop with messaging every woman the same canned lines or random dick pics. And, I hope, people may be more willing to talk over the phone or FaceTime rather than just remaining “text buddies.”

So, the positive I hope that comes from this is that we will start embracing higher energy values that come from viewing people as humans instead of stats, and that this will, in turn, allow us to make deeper and more meaningful connections. People have two choices during a crisis. Some people will embrace fear and misery and “check out.” Others will pull together and come out of this better and stronger. For those who choose the second option, I predict a stronger dating life that will lead to better relationships.

So, while dating during a pandemic isn’t easy, it’s not impossible. In fact, you may make an even stronger connection than you would make during other times.

March 19, 2020
How To Get Over Your Crush: 5 Tips to Move On

As a freshman in high school, I had a crush on a senior. We never dated, but my feelings were strong and intense. Even now, years later, I occasionally browse her social media and some of the feelings return.

When you have a crush on someone, the brain releases an abundance of feel good chemicals like dopamine and serotonin. You feel on top of the world!

But, if you can’t have your crush, your brain goes through withdrawal and grief, leading to anxiety, loneliness, and even physical symptoms that mimic the flu. The pain is why so many people ask how to get over your crush.

Moving on isn’t easy. If you dated your crush or had sex with them, it can be even more complicated. But, you can move past your crush and find love with someone else. Here are five tips to do it.

Block On Social Media

The brain works through reinforcement and the more you do any action, the more it turns into a habit or even an addiction. So, the more you think about your crush, look at their photos, and stalk their social media, the harder it will be to get over them.

Social media makes it super easy to keep up with everything about someone’s life. It allows you to see everything about your crush in vivid detail. But, if you can’t have your crush, you’re only reminding yourself of what you can’t have.

To fully get over your crush, you’ll have to put them out of sight and out of mind. Unless you’re an extremely strong person, this means blocking them on social media. This isn’t to be mean or hurtful, but is for your own sanity.

Keep Busy

Most people today have a lot of “down time,” which is terrible if you overthink and use that time to focus on your crush.

Remember that our brains reinforce what we do regularly over time. But, the opposite is true too. As we do new things and build new brain wiring, the old patterns get weaker and we reinforce new routines. So, by keeping busy with hobbies, friends, and other activities, you keep your mind off of your crush. Eventually, you move on.

If you don’t know what to do in your spare time, then look all around you. The world is filled with interesting activities and hobbies. Look on various event websites or apps and try something new. Go to festivals and concerts. Learn a new skill. Take a class. Talk to friends and see what they enjoy and love.

Not only will doing this help you get over your crush, it will also make you a better, more well-rounded person.

List Your Crush’s Flaws

When I was in high school, I turned down the Homecoming Queen for a date! She was nice and pretty, but I had a crush on another girl. Looking back, I was an idiot, especially since I never actually went out with my crush.

When we develop a crush on someone, our brain chemistry creates what is called the halo effect, which causes us to only see the good in that person, not the flaws. This means that you probably see your crush as nearly “perfect.” Yet, you see the flaws of other people clearly.

This exercise might seem odd, but take out a piece of paper and list out your crush’s flaws. Be brutally honest. If you can’t think of any, ask your friends. I’m sure they can see your crush’s flaws more clearly.

Maybe he’s rude and insensitive. Perhaps she is stuck up and seeks attention on social media. Even if you have to go with general things like “he probably has zits on his butt” and “her poop stinks,” write those down.

This isn’t meant to put down your crush or imply they’re a bad person. It’s just to let you see the truth: your crush isn’t perfect and is, in the end, no better than everyone else.

Date Around

I look back on my refusal to go out with the Homecoming Queen with a lot of regret. I’m sure you can recall times you refused to give someone a chance because of your feelings for your crush. The only way to get past that is to go out and date new people.

As you meet a variety of new people, you’ll definitely find that a lot of them are boring and unattractive. But, you’ll also find those who are fun, exciting, attractive, and make you feel good.

By going out and meeting new people, you’re reinforcing a new pattern, which is that good, attractive men and women exist in the real world. When you get out of your head and into reality, good things happen!

Retrain Your Brain

I’ve talked a lot about the role of the brain in learning how to get over your crush. It’s because your crush lives in your head and your limbic brain doesn’t want to let go. So, you’re going to have to constantly retrain your brain.

In many cases, simply being aware that your feelings towards your crush are irrational is a good start. Going back to their list of flaws is helpful too.

Taking charge of your brain is very important when meeting new people. They will seemed flawed and inferior, especially compared to your crush. But, you have to combat those feelings. Remind yourself that your crush has flaws and that the person you’ve met has many good traits too.

Open yourself up the joy, love, and passion other people can bring into your life. Don’t rush to judge. Instead, immerse yourself in new emotional experiences.

This will retrain your brain to fall in love with someone new. You’ll experience the amazing feelings of a new crush with another person while letting go of the old.

These tips should help you get over a crush. However, if you have depression, anxiety, or feel hopeless, seek out professional help. In many cases, love for a crush can turn toxic and unhealthy and require professional help.

January 18, 2020