Why is it so hard to find love?? 
You’d think that it would be easy to find love in 2021…We have dating apps, meet-ups, online forums, social media, and more. Before you read this article (in which I’m laying out some of the negatives), please check out our Facebook page where we’ll be focusing on the solutions rather just the problems!
Yet, we have many clients and friends who simply can’t seem to find the right person. And, this is after trying matchmaking, Tinder, Bumble, Ok Cupid, Hinge, virtually every other dating app, and attending singles events. They have taken the advice from well-meaning (but, sadly, mistaken) friends and family about how to “land a man” (or woman). In this era of information overload and access to thousands of people (and the advice of millions), things should be easier, but they aren’t.
And, this isn’t just me listing a few anecdotes. Research shows that people simply aren’t dating, committing, or marrying as much. And, it’s not just the emotional side of relationships that are failing. Despite claims of a “hook up culture,” people just aren’t having as much sex as they used to either.
Overall loneliness is on the rise too, as we become more socially disconnected. A recent Pew Survey found most people think that dating sucks and a lot of people have just stopped looking for love. It’s no wonder 28% of men under 30 haven’t had sex in the last year, an all-time high for men of that age group compared to anytime in history.
Despite the promise of online dating, one study found that 70% of Tinder users didn’t even go on a date from the app! Even E-Harmony’s own data shows that most couples don’t meet online.
Most users of online dating are finding that the process of liking, matching, texting, and meeting someone is a lot of wasted effort, after sorting through the time wasters, ghosters, and fakes. Relationships that start from online dating aren’t as likely to last, so there’s that. This may be because online dating is unnatural for many reasons.
Despite people generally resenting online dating, we also feel compelled to use it as if no other option exists.
Another reason finding love is so hard isn’t due to a lack of choice, but because we have so much choice. This is called the “choice paradox” and it is basically that the more options we have, the less likely we are capable of making a good choice, if we can make one at all. So, when presented with 30 decent men online, it’s very hard to narrow it down to just one, or focus your emotional and social attention to just one. And, those guys all have options as well. So, nobody chooses to settle down with anyone, leading to ridiculous frustration.
Another reality is that daters in 2020 are just plain picky, and online dating is partially to blame. OK Cupid’s research shows that women ultimately find roughly 80% of men online to be unattractive. And, women are only swiping right on 4.5% of male profiles on Tinder (data contained within the full study). When getting online, women in particular seem to get into a weird mode where only the absolute most handsome and successful guy will suffice.
Another issue related to this is that most women are matching with the same 10-15% of handsome, successful guys. Look at the graph. The red shows that men are distributing their likes to a variety of women, while most women are liking the same 10-15% of men.
So, it may seem great that you’ve matched with the handsome, well-dressed, muscular manager of his own company, but so are all the other women on the dating app. And, that manager is going to have two options: attempt to date every woman he’s messaging (and try to sleep with them), or he’s going to pick the prettiest of the bunch. This explains why most women we know complain they only seem to meet players or guys who don’t want a relationship online.
Since most men aren’t getting a whole lot of attention on dating apps (women reject 95.5% of men on Tinder, remember), some men turn into thirsty (desperately sexually needy) weirdos, which results in a lot of overly sexualized messages, messaging random women, begging for sex, and even sending unsolicited “junk pics.” This in turn, makes women even more picky and men even more desperate.
In some of the examples I gave above, women have a big advantage: they can be super picky, and are. However, the research shows this applies more for younger women. Older women are finding the opposite problem of getting to be picky: they become more invisible on certain dating apps as they age.
In fact, a recent large analysis of online dating behavior found women’s popularity on dating apps peaks at age 18 and goes down from there, while a man reaches peak popularity at 50. Some of this is because older men are setting their age ranges quite a bit younger. Ok Cupid’s own data shows that men of all ages are browsing profiles of 20-somethings.
I have also noticed that the over-reliance on online dating has crippled people’s social interactions in real life. Even though most people think online dating sucks, people aren’t going out as much and are less open to in-person interaction. My anecdotal observation is that fewer people are leaving the house outside of work, thanks to the rise of delivery services like door dash, and how easy it is to find entertainment at home (like streaming movies and TV).
How can you meet your soulmate if you never leave your house? And, if when you are out, you are wearing headphones or meanly staring at every guy or woman who comes near you, then how can you ever meet Mr. or Miss Right?
I’ve even seen lonely-looking people in a place full of eligible singles staring at their phones swiping on Tinder!
Wow…finding love in 2021 is difficult, because we’ve entered a cultural and technological era that’s a complete mess (at least from a dating standpoint).
But, as I mentioned, we are trying to remedy this. So please join the discussion about this, and help us solve the problem, on the Double Trust Dating Facebook Page!
And, check out our Courses! We have exclusive discounts available right now.
Many of my coaching clients struggle to process their feelings after they sleep with someone for the first time. Not only are they processing feelings, but they guy is also processing feelings. This can create a lot of emotional volatility and turn a great thing (sex) into something confusing.
You could find this troubling, especially if all he wants to do is get busy in the bedroom. Some guys get so focused on sex that it becomes their number one priority. Now that you gave it to him, he wants nothing else.
Of course, men can bond, in general and during sex. But, if you’ve noticed that he changed or seems different, you might be falling in love with him, but he simply enjoys the sex.
One of the biggest complaints I hear from women as a dating coach is that a guy seems interested in them, they read the signs, feel a connection, then nothing happens.
Studies have shown that men are 
You might need to make your intentions clear, try to move the relationship to another level, or make him feel more comfortable by letting him know that you want him to make a move.
When I hear the stories of people who dated the wrong person, they almost never followed their heart or trusted their gut.
“Does he like me or doesn’t he?”
However, if the other person actually bothers to ask questions, it shows that they like me. The same is true of the guys you text.
Love and attraction aren’t logical at all. You process them in the 
We’ve all been there. I’ve ignored a lot of “crazy” over the years for a pretty face or a nice body. I’ve justified bad behaviors from women to my family and friends, only to realize years later they were actually right.
We also develop very strong attachment. Oxytocin is the same chemical that creates the strong bond between women and their children.
This point often comes as the result of a total and utter ego beat-down you never expected. Perhaps, it may result from a realization that you have radically and spectacularly failed to achieve your goals and you now have “nothing to lose.” Maybe you were laid up with a debilitating illness or injury which showed you that you lack the control you clung to (often getting near death can cause the same impact).
Most of us think that our conscious, ego-based intentions are what we are “putting into” life. But the ego is filled with fantasy. The ego tells us that we “deserve” something, even if our lives don’t reflect what we deserve. The ego says “I eat like crap and brag about it, but I deserve to be thin” or “I joke about never reading a book, but I want to date a guy who is smart.”
But many will still complain that the pandemic is a “horrible time” to start a business, find a date, get in shape, or be socially fulfilled. Yet, there are many people who are finding success doing those things. But, I promise you they aren’t watching Netflix for eight hours a day.
First, let’s start with the negatives because I basically just mentioned some.
Another positive is that people will be forced to stop with boring and expensive dinner and bar dates. I’ve been pushing for this for years because these lackluster dates often don’t go anywhere. Right now in most places, you can still legally meet in parks, libraries, grocery stores, and even (gasp) meet in a nice neighborhood and take a walk (or go for a run). And, these dates are completely free.