Double Trust Dating

Category: Dating

Spending Valentine’s Day Alone? How To Survive and Even Thrive!

If you believe the message of popular culture, you’d think that Valentine’s Day is a universally beloved holiday, a day when everyone indulges in the celebration of romantic love…everyone except you, of course, if you’re single.

As a result, spending Valentine’s alone can seem like its own version of hell. But, if you’re alone on February 14th, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. In fact, you can survive and even thrive if you’re single.

Valentine’s Day Is Fake

Valentine’s Day is a sacred Christian holiday dedicated to romantic love, right? That, like so much about this holiday, is bullshit.

The Catholic Church doesn’t even include Valentine’s Day in its sacred calendar anymore. The church leaders removed it in 1969 because there were several different guys named Valentine and the history behind them is suspect (they may not even have existed).

Even if (t)he(y) did exist, the association with romantic love didn’t start until the Middle Ages. Why? Because people at the time believed that birds mated in the middle of February.

The gift-giving part didn’t come until the late 1700s when people in England started exchanging cards. Sensing financial opportunities, the chocolate sellers entered the market a few decades later. Then, everyone else saw the potential of exploiting the day for profit.

I’m not a Valentine’s Day Grinch. But, if you’re alone on Valentine’s Day, it doesn’t mean a whole lot. You’re basically missing out on a day honoring guys who probably didn’t exist picked because people thought birds liked to hump around that time.

Avoid Social Media

Even if the day is contrived, a lot of genuine love is shared on February 14th. And, seeing those reminders of love can be painful, especially with social media throwing it in your face.

But, keep in mind that social media doesn’t tell the whole story. No couple is going to post about the awful drunken fight they had before bed on Valentine’s Day because her necklace was rose gold instead of yellow gold. But, you will see the cute couples selfies and expensive dinner photos.

I’m not saying all public expressions of love are faked. But, you’re never getting the whole picture online. In fact, many couples who post the cutest, most romantic stuff on social media are trying to convince themselves the relationship is great or even put on a front to cover up infidelity.

I would recommend avoiding social media on Valentine’s Day completely if it triggers you to feel bad or you can’t put it in perspective.

You’re Not Alone

If you’re spending Valentine’s day alone or choosing not to celebrate it, you’re not…alone. Statistically speaking, more people are single than ever. So, while they might not mention it on social media, many of your friends and family don’t have partners.

Even many people who are in a relationship are rejecting the holiday for various reasons. In 2019, only fifty-one percent of people celebrated Valentine’s Day, down from a high of sixty-three percent in 2007.

So, while it might seem like everyone you know is happily celebrating Valentine’s Day, a lot of people aren’t, whether due to being single or just not caring about the holiday.

Invest In Yourself

Even if you’re spending Valentine’s Day without a partner, at least there’s one thing you’re not spending: too much money. Consumers are expected to spend 196 dollars in 2020 (up from $162 last year). That’s a lot to throw down for one day.

How much of Valentine’s Day spending is driven by pressure rather than a genuine spirit of giving? I’m going to guess a lot.

While I see nothing wrong with spending money on loved ones on Valentine’s Day, no one should ever waste large amounts out of social pressure or spend money they don’t have. Being single, you can save that money or spend it on yourself!

Focus on Other Love

You know whom I really love? My daughter. My parents. My pets. Even my friends. Love is all around and you don’t have to feel bad or lonely on Valentine’s Day just because you don’t have a romantic partner.

One way to tackle loneliness on Valentine’s Day is to celebrate the love you have in your life rather than dwelling on the love you lack. Call up a single friend and invite her out on Valentine’s Day. Visit your grandma. Volunteer and share love with others. Take your dog to a park. A dog’s love is truer than any romantic partner who might or might not be around in two months!

It’s One Day

Many of my clients freak out about being single at certain times of the year. Christmas is a big one, but so is Valentine’s Day. When I talk them down from the ledge (not literally thankfully), I remind them that one day a year doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things.

While being single might feel more painful on Valentine’s Day, that’s only because you’re allowing the outside pressure to influence you. You’re buying into the narrative that not having a significant other on February 14th makes you deficient.

In reality, being single on Valentine’s Day is no different than being single on International Tennis Day (June 20th in case you wondered). If you have the attitude that it’s okay to be single, or God forbid, it’s great to be single, you can be happy without a partner every day.

But, if you’re actively trying to find a partner, then Valentine’s Day is just another day to keep looking.

It’s all about perspective and living your life authentically. I do recommend, however, that if you’re alone on Valentine’s Day and want a partner, it’s a great day to make the necessary changes to succeed in dating and relationships.

Look around our site and read our free articles. We have helpful courses and offer personalized coaching too. There are proven ways to navigate the dating game to find the love of your life. You don’t have to do it alone!

February 11, 2020
Powerful And Practical First Date Conversation Topics

As a dating coach, I’ve noticed one topic that creates extreme anxiety in my clients: the first date. If you’re reading this article, I’m sure you feel it too!

These days, first dates are largely “blind” in the sense that they often involve two total strangers who met online. Sure, you might have messaged a few times on an app, but you have little personal connection.

As a result, the first date can be terrifying. You’re pretty much trying to bond with a total stranger. That’s why, if you want to get a second date, you need to know first date conversation topics that actually work. This article will give you powerful and practical ones to get that second date and more!

Be Personal

I’m going to focus on general first date conversation topics rather than telling you to say specific things. It’s not going to be a bunch of one liners that you can deliver as soon as you walk in the door. Those sound good in theory, but, like pick up lines, they don’t really work. Your dates will just see it as gimmicky and forced.

Ultimately the best conversations are grounded in authenticity. So, if I recommend something and you truly have no connection to that topic (e.g. pets), then find another one. Before you go on another date, write down topics that generate strong, positive emotions for you. Then, talk about these.

Maybe you love skydiving or making music. Perhaps your passion is for sporting events or protest rallies. Whatever you pick, talking about it will let you speak with ease and authenticity and let your date get a glimpse of the real you.

Avoid too much bland fact sharing, like where you went to school or your job (unless you’re passionate about them). You can mention some general facts to fill in informational gaps, but don’t dwell on them.

Open Ended Questions

When discussing any topic, make sure to engage your date with open-ended questions, rather than ones that are closed.

Closed-ended questions require a short answer and don’t further the conversation. “Did you go to work today” is a closed-ended question. The answer is “yes” or “no.” “How was work today?” is open-ended, but still weak (the person could say “good” or “bad”). “What did you enjoy about work today?” is a good, open-ended question.

When you use the topics from your list or my suggestions below, always ask questions in ways that get your date talking. Open-ended questions usually start with “how” or “why.” Also, think about whether the question can realistically get them telling a story. If the answer is “yes,” it’s a good question. This article will tell you more about open-ended questions.

Hobbies

When choosing topics, ask yourself two questions:

Will it get my date talking?
Will it make my date feel good?

Just talking isn’t enough. People can talk for hours about their hated political opponent or the job they loathe, but that isn’t going to get them in the right mindset to fall in love with you.

Hobbies are a great first date conversation topic because people are usually passionate about their hobbies. And, most people find great joy in their hobbies.

Let’s look at cooking. If you find out your date loves cooking, you can get them talking about what they love about it. You’re more likely to generate positive feelings and get them feeling at ease.

Also, when you allow your date to talk about their hobbies, it opens up the conversation for you to talk about yours.

Adventures

One incredible way to engage your date and make them think you’re interesting is to talk about your adventures. It’s a pretty vague first date conversation topic, but these stories will usually have elements of suspense, humor, and overcoming obstacles. It will be fun for you to tell and fun for your date to hear. You can discuss your adventures and your date can share theirs.

Examples of adventure stories can vary a lot, but here are a few examples: rock climbing in another country, doing something reckless and stupid in high school, foiling a crime (even if small), and taking a risk that paid off (or even didn’t).

I’d advise going into every date with a few exciting stories you can tell. Think about the great moments of your life and tell them as a powerful story. This will draw in your date and make you appear interesting!

Pets

Most people who own animals love their pets and they love talking about them. They also typically love talking about other peoples’ pets. If you’re both animal lovers, discussing pets is a great first date conversation topic.

Talking about pets opens the conversation to funny stories, the emotion of love and bonding (notice how much I used the word love earlier), and even the sharing of pet photos. This is a powerful way to build common ground with your date.

Studies have shown that having a pet makes you appear more attractive to other people. This is especially true for men wanting to impress women.

Your Date

If you want the best conversation topic for your first date, the answer is right across from you. Studies show that people absolutely love talking about themselves and it makes them feel really good. Yet, you might spend the whole night talking about yourself when you should really get your date talking instead.

While you can hopefully have a good back and forth and share about yourself too, you can’t go wrong if you steer the conversation away from yourself and focus on questions and topics about the other person.

Remember, the goal of the first date should be to make the other person feel good. Letting them talk about themselves is a good first step.

If you find that you’re doing a lot more talking than listening, take a step back and change the focus on your conversation.

These tips should help you get through the awkwardness of that first date conversation. When in doubt, be authentic, focus on what you love, and put the spotlight on your date, not yourself.

January 30, 2020
How To Get Over Your Crush: 5 Tips to Move On

As a freshman in high school, I had a crush on a senior. We never dated, but my feelings were strong and intense. Even now, years later, I occasionally browse her social media and some of the feelings return.

When you have a crush on someone, the brain releases an abundance of feel good chemicals like dopamine and serotonin. You feel on top of the world!

But, if you can’t have your crush, your brain goes through withdrawal and grief, leading to anxiety, loneliness, and even physical symptoms that mimic the flu. The pain is why so many people ask how to get over your crush.

Moving on isn’t easy. If you dated your crush or had sex with them, it can be even more complicated. But, you can move past your crush and find love with someone else. Here are five tips to do it.

Block On Social Media

The brain works through reinforcement and the more you do any action, the more it turns into a habit or even an addiction. So, the more you think about your crush, look at their photos, and stalk their social media, the harder it will be to get over them.

Social media makes it super easy to keep up with everything about someone’s life. It allows you to see everything about your crush in vivid detail. But, if you can’t have your crush, you’re only reminding yourself of what you can’t have.

To fully get over your crush, you’ll have to put them out of sight and out of mind. Unless you’re an extremely strong person, this means blocking them on social media. This isn’t to be mean or hurtful, but is for your own sanity.

Keep Busy

Most people today have a lot of “down time,” which is terrible if you overthink and use that time to focus on your crush.

Remember that our brains reinforce what we do regularly over time. But, the opposite is true too. As we do new things and build new brain wiring, the old patterns get weaker and we reinforce new routines. So, by keeping busy with hobbies, friends, and other activities, you keep your mind off of your crush. Eventually, you move on.

If you don’t know what to do in your spare time, then look all around you. The world is filled with interesting activities and hobbies. Look on various event websites or apps and try something new. Go to festivals and concerts. Learn a new skill. Take a class. Talk to friends and see what they enjoy and love.

Not only will doing this help you get over your crush, it will also make you a better, more well-rounded person.

List Your Crush’s Flaws

When I was in high school, I turned down the Homecoming Queen for a date! She was nice and pretty, but I had a crush on another girl. Looking back, I was an idiot, especially since I never actually went out with my crush.

When we develop a crush on someone, our brain chemistry creates what is called the halo effect, which causes us to only see the good in that person, not the flaws. This means that you probably see your crush as nearly “perfect.” Yet, you see the flaws of other people clearly.

This exercise might seem odd, but take out a piece of paper and list out your crush’s flaws. Be brutally honest. If you can’t think of any, ask your friends. I’m sure they can see your crush’s flaws more clearly.

Maybe he’s rude and insensitive. Perhaps she is stuck up and seeks attention on social media. Even if you have to go with general things like “he probably has zits on his butt” and “her poop stinks,” write those down.

This isn’t meant to put down your crush or imply they’re a bad person. It’s just to let you see the truth: your crush isn’t perfect and is, in the end, no better than everyone else.

Date Around

I look back on my refusal to go out with the Homecoming Queen with a lot of regret. I’m sure you can recall times you refused to give someone a chance because of your feelings for your crush. The only way to get past that is to go out and date new people.

As you meet a variety of new people, you’ll definitely find that a lot of them are boring and unattractive. But, you’ll also find those who are fun, exciting, attractive, and make you feel good.

By going out and meeting new people, you’re reinforcing a new pattern, which is that good, attractive men and women exist in the real world. When you get out of your head and into reality, good things happen!

Retrain Your Brain

I’ve talked a lot about the role of the brain in learning how to get over your crush. It’s because your crush lives in your head and your limbic brain doesn’t want to let go. So, you’re going to have to constantly retrain your brain.

In many cases, simply being aware that your feelings towards your crush are irrational is a good start. Going back to their list of flaws is helpful too.

Taking charge of your brain is very important when meeting new people. They will seemed flawed and inferior, especially compared to your crush. But, you have to combat those feelings. Remind yourself that your crush has flaws and that the person you’ve met has many good traits too.

Open yourself up the joy, love, and passion other people can bring into your life. Don’t rush to judge. Instead, immerse yourself in new emotional experiences.

This will retrain your brain to fall in love with someone new. You’ll experience the amazing feelings of a new crush with another person while letting go of the old.

These tips should help you get over a crush. However, if you have depression, anxiety, or feel hopeless, seek out professional help. In many cases, love for a crush can turn toxic and unhealthy and require professional help.

January 18, 2020
Why Do Guys Not Like Me? 5 Possible Reasons

Dating struggles can take a toll on anyone’s mental health, especially when you feel like no one wants you. It can lead to strong feelings of depression and loneliness.

I see this a lot and women ask me: why do guys not like me? These women are looking for the love of their life, but find heartache instead.

And, the reasons guys might not like you aren’t always obvious or straightforward. After all, men can be complicated. But, I can help.

In my years of experience as a dating and relationship coach, I’ve not only researched the science of attraction, but have seen it in action. If you’re wondering why guys don’t like you, you’ve come to the right place. Here are five possible reasons.

Lack of Physical Attraction

It might sound superficial and cliché, but men generally place more emphasis on physical appearance than women when determining attraction. So, if you aren’t getting a lot of attention from men, it could boil down to your looks.

I want to add, however, that most men don’t demand perfection and the vast majority of women get into relationships, even if they don’t have supermodel good looks. If you’re chronically single, odds are your looks have less to do with it than you think. In fact, I tell women to look inside before looking outside.

But, if you want to improve your looks, you can make small, but simple changes like taking better care of your skin, going to the gym more often, getting a better haircut, and updating your makeup.

You Have A Bad Attitude

If you’re asking why do guys not like me and you’re even at least minimally physically attractive, then the problem could lie with your attitude. Most men, especially the quality ones, don’t want to put up with drama, negativity, and hassle.

Every good man I know wants to date someone who is kind, friendly, positive, smart, and ambitious. If your personality needs work, then it might be why men don’t like you. Keep in mind, you also might not be properly marketing yourself.

You might think you’re “sassy” or “speak fluent sarcasm.” But, the guys you meet might just think you’re rude, especially if they don’t see your nicer side emerge.

The most important factor in successful relationships is kindness. Work on being more kind and you will be more likely to find a good man to settle down with for a relationship.

You’re Too Shy

The other day, I saw a mismatched couple. She was beautiful, while he looked, well, let’s just say not attractive. I wondered how he dated such a beautiful woman, then I remembered that fortune, like dating, favors the bold. He obviously had a chance and took it. Dating is often as simple as being noticed or taking the initiative.

If guys don’t like you, you might come across as stuck-up or unapproachable. You could really be shy or awkward, but men perceive that as rudeness or lack of interest.

Ask friends and acquaintances how you “come across” to others. If the feedback is that you appear unfriendly and stuck up, then it’s time to fix that!

The good news is that you can make a few small changes to be more approachable. Smiling, opening up your body language, and trying to initiate conversations are all good starts.

You’re Not Around Them

A friend of mine told me that no one liked him and I couldn’t believe that he would have so much trouble dating. But, the reality was that he approached a couple of women at clubs, they both told him “no,” and he assumed that no one liked him.

Before you ask why guys don’t like you, the best course of action is to look at your sample size. Do you know a lot of guys? Do you go out and try to meet people? Have you taken initiative with men and been rejected?

In most cases, people who generalize that no one likes them haven’t really “put themselves out there” in any meaningful way. For example, if you sit at home every weekend, never socialize at work, and refuse to hang out with an extended friend group, why do you expect to be flooded with offers from attractive men?

Extend your sample size of guys by meeting more of them and opening yourself up to real social interaction with them. When you do this, you’ll find that more guys like you than you think!

You Exclude Them

A few years ago, I had an attractive, successful coaching client. When we first met, she asked me “why do guys not like me?” Of course, I couldn’t believe that no guys liked her. After a few questions, I discovered that she got tons of likes on Bumble, received many direct messages through her Instagram, and guys wouldn’t leave her alone at the club.

When she said men didn’t like her, she meant the guys she liked the most didn’t like her back. She only received attention from men she couldn’t stand. This might be your issue. It certainly feels like no one likes you, but, in reality, the “wrong” people just like you.

If this is your situation, I’d recommend opening your mind to some of the guys who do talk to you. Sure, you don’t want to date an unattractive loser. But, if someone talks to you in person or likes you on a dating app and he seems like he could be a good partner and is generally attractive, give him a chance.

If you open your mind and your eyes to the men around you, especially those trying to get to know you, you’ll find that, while many of them are awful, some could be diamonds in the rough.

You just have to give them the smallest chance to find out! You can always turn them down later, but, at least you tried.

So, if guys don’t like you, these could be the reasons. The good news is that, in most cases, with a few small changes, you can attract the men you like and get into a relationship.

January 11, 2020
Checklist For Dating A Guy: 4 Important Essentials for Love

Online dating has changed the way people meet and fall in love. In the past, you would meet and marry people from the local community, the workplace, or friend connections. The checklist for dating a guy wasn’t very long because people didn’t have a ton of options.

Sure, exceptions existed. But, generally, dating random, total strangers across your geographical area (and beyond) was impossible or unlikely…until online dating.

Online dating, however, has led to a rise in a “checklist mentality.” This is when, rather than getting to know a guy and looking for chemistry, you come up with a list of deal-breakers or essentials. Usually, these are specific and superficial. This can be a minimum height, a certain income level, an age range, etc.

This can be a literal checklist for dating a guy or a subconscious one. For example, you might build the checklist into your dating profile and preferences like setting height and age minimums. Or, you might just swipe and match based on this checklist in your head.

While I’m not a big fan of specific and superficial checklists, general ones can be helpful when evaluating if a guy is compatible and relationship material. This only works if you focus on the right metrics. Here are the four most important ones.

Physical Attraction

I’ve heard so many people tell me that they really like a person they just met, but there’s no real physical attraction. They hope the attraction comes, but, when it doesn’t, they have a dead bedroom and a bad relationship.

If you get along well with someone, but there is no physical spark, that is basically a friendship. And, friendships are great. However, if you lack physical attraction , you’re not going to have a very fulfilling sexual or romantic relationship. In fact, a lack of physical chemistry will typically lead to the death of the relationship down the line.

When looking at physical attraction, I recommend you think broadly and generally. I’m not a fan of having too many rigid standards, such as setting age and height minimums and maximums. Instead, go with your gut. For example, if someone is shorter or younger than you’re used to, but you feel that physical connection, chemistry, and raw attraction, then go for it!

Ambition

From my experience in running a company, the most important trait I look for new hires is ambition. I want someone who is hungry for success. That person might not have a dollar to his name when I meet him, but I know that if he is driven, that he will be successful.

Many women want a guy with a stable income, a 401k, and health insurance. These are all important, but they don’t tell the whole story. Pretty much anyone except the biggest losers can get a job that pays enough to scrape by.

So, when coming up with a checklist for dating a guy, look for someone with ambition. Does he hustle? Is he motivated? Does he have a lot of energy around his career and other goals? Is he happy being a cog in the machine or does he want to conquer the world?

Pick a guy who has the energy, drive, and ambition to take you where you want to go in the relationship and life in general.

He Has A Life

The other day a woman I know was complaining that her boyfriend spent all day in his bedroom playing video games. She was getting tired of bugging him to go to the gym, take her out on dates, and pretty much do anything that didn’t involve him staring at a screen of some kind.

When getting to know a guy, look closely at how he spends his free time. That will mirror how he spends his time with you. If he lives an active adventurous life, then you can look forward to that. If he spends all day fighting virtual monsters and watching TV reruns, then that is an indicator of your future, as well.

It’s possible you don’t have much of a life either and are a homebody. That’s OK. But, if you have a passion for life, make sure that the guy you date feels the same way. Otherwise, you’ll be ready to go crazy when he locks himself in his room all day and you’re dying to go do something fun.

He Is Kind

I went to school with a woman who dated a controlling guy with anger issues. He seemed so sweet in the beginning, but most of her friends (like me) knew he had problems. While he always treated her with charm and kindness in the beginning, he acted like a jerk towards most everyone else.

He acted rudely towards servers, got mad at them for the smallest things, then refused to tip. He wouldn’t talk to us (her friends) when we were all together and would often play on his phone instead of engaging us. He talked a lot about how he didn’t get along with his co-workers or exes.

When creating a checklist for dating a guy, you can’t always look at how he treats you in the beginning to determine his true personality. Of course, he is going to be on his best behavior towards you, especially if he wants sex or some kind of commitment.

Look, however, at how he treats others, especially those he doesn’t have to treat well. How does he act towards servers, bartenders, hired help, people who are beneath him socially, or those lower on the hierarchy at work?

If he treats them like dirt, then it’s a good indicator that he is a jerk. And, once he feels he no longer has to win you over, he’ll start treating you the same way.

One study showed that kindness was the biggest factor in successful relationships. So, get yourself a kind man!

If you feel like you need a checklist for dating a guy, these should be the primary things on your list. Don’t get bogged down with a bunch of superficial traits that don’t matter. If a guy has what really matters, then you are on your way towards a happy relationship.

January 8, 2020
Anxiety and Overthinking Are Sabotaging Your Love Life in 2019

When I was a sophomore in high school I fell in love for the first time. Jonathan and I were mowing yards for some extra cash. As I was walking the mower back from mowing cousin Ed’s yard, an unfamiliar voice yelled to get my attention. He and his family had just moved to town and they desperately needed their tall grass mowed. I gladly obliged. I also noticed he had a daughter around my age.

Something about her caught my eye, and I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I asked around and got her name, which was Emily (not her actual name). My friends and I enjoyed walking around the neighborhood for exercise, and I’d always make sure to include her house on the walk. I ran into her at a dance a few weeks later, and it didn’t go very well. My opening line “do you know what time it is?” was met with “well, there’s a clock up there.” Ouch.

When spring came, Emily’s friend revealed she had a crush on me, so her friend and I started “talking.” Mysteriously (lol) Emily started liking me too. My naive and cocky tenth grade self decided to try to date both girls and by the end they both hated me. Ahhhhh, good times!

I tell this adolescent love story to make a point about how love actually works. I saw her, interacted with her and put it all out there. I didn’t hold back because of fear or overthinking.

I didn’t assess her body type, measure her height, determine her career trajectory, ask her religion, or determine her political beliefs. I didn’t imagine if she’d be the perfect partner in 15 years or do a drawn out search for red flags (because I would have found plenty!).

I just felt something and gave it a chance. That particular one didn’t work out, but others that I gave a chance did, and that’s the point of this article.

Was I a little naive? Probably, but I believe that picking a partner on the basis of a ten point screening process that involves exact measurements, career trajectory, and even sharing everything in common is also senseless. That isn’t how love works and isn’t how relationships work (in fact, kindness and generosity matter far more than any metric online dating sorts for).

Love isn’t rational. Love is emotional. We connect with people based on a variety of reasons, many of them outside of our conscious awareness. Someone’s smell, presence, immunity, personality, charisma, and even their voice can play a role. What looks good “on paper” often doesn’t work in reality. And, what we think will make us happy often doesn’t.

And this is where anxiety and over-thinking come in.

Many of us have been burned by bad past relationships that didn’t meet our expectations. We keep adding more and more “dealbreakers” and standards as time goes on, which seems helpful, but really isn’t. In the process, dating goes from something enjoyable, present-oriented, risky, and intuitive, to something miserable, past/future oriented, boring, and overly logical.

And, despite our “standards” and newfound pickiness, most people who date this way are less happy.

Fear causes a strange attachment to finding the “perfect” partner, to the point of finding flaws everywhere, or even finding reasons to sabotage things with people we actually like.

It also leads to overthinking and over-analyzing, which leads to extreme pickiness, itself a defense mechanism against the uncertainty of falling in love.

Think of the best love you’ve experienced. You probably have to go way back to high school, college, or even before. Maybe you’ve never felt it.

If you have, did it come because the person looked “perfect” on paper? Did the sparks happen because you subjected him or her to a series of 20 questions to see if there was a “dealbreaker” present? When you fell for him, was if after you measured his exact height, figured out how far he lived from you, knew his exact age, and knew where he was on the political spectrum?

Did any of that matter when you were sitting under the stars with him after the football game or your heart was racing as he made out with you in his car on that hot summer night?

While I believe it’s important to connect with someone based on values, just imagine the people you’ve been in love with who you may have never met because you’re focusing on building the perfect partner on paper. Imagine the experiences you’d have missed then if you took the view of dating that you do now.

To date successfully, and find love, fear and overthinking are your worst enemies. Dating involves getting on the surfboard and throwing yourself into the wave. You may surf for hours or it may knock you off and send water up your nose. It is putting yourself out there, ready to face the joy and happiness, but also the potential heartbreak.

Overthinking misses the point of love. It’s trying to take something that is by its very nature unpredictably complex (both beautiful and dangerous at the same time), and control and tame it. Love isn’t about whether the guy you’re with will look presentable in couples photos on Facebook. It certainly isn’t about a person’s exact weight, height, or income (although these do play a role). And, it isn’t about pre-ordering the perfect partner based on whether you think you’ll never get hurt over the next 40 years.

Instead, I suggest being more open to the people around you, and how they make you feel. Does he make you happy? Do you like spending time with her? Could you possibly see yourself feeling that way? Well, if so, swipe right and see what happens. Trust yourself, live in the present as much as possible, and ride the wave.

What would it be like to feel this way again? Can you imagine the feeling?

January 6, 2020
Are You Too Old To Date? The Answer Will Surprise You

After my grandpa died, my grandma never dated again. She liked several local men and didn’t want to be lonely. But, she had a limiting mindset that you could be “too old” for certain activities, including dating.

You might see modern dating as hopelessly overwhelming. So much has changed, even in the last ten years. Changes like online dating, social media, and texting might have you wondering: are you too old to date?

The answer is “No!” I’ve worked with people of all ages in my coaching business. In fact, many of the most motivated and successful clients are older. This article will explain why you’re never too old to date.

Your Age Is An Advantage

If you are older, even into your 50s, 60s, and beyond, you have something very rare and valuable in relationships: life experience. You’ve known the heartaches, breakups, and ups and downs of dating and, I hope, actually learned from them.

This means you can avoid a lot of the pain and awkwardness you experienced when you dated in the past. Dating can be fun, exciting, and, above all, on your terms. And, confidence and experience are sexy!

So, you aren’t too old to date. Once you jump back in and start meeting people, you’ll be surprised at how much easier (and more fun) older dating can be.

The Fundamentals Haven’t Changed

Modern dating can seem like something from another planet. But, although you often hear about the changes, the fundamental realities of relationships have pretty much stayed the same.

For example, even with the popularity of online dating, most couples still meet through friends. Also, the traditional role of men asking women on dates and “making the first move” remains the norm. Standards of attraction have stayed the same too, with high value still placed on physical attractiveness, a sense of humor, and confidence.

The actual process of going on dates hasn’t changed much either. Going out for dinner, seeing a movie, and grabbing drinks are very popular. And, of course, flirting is still the universal language of attraction and romantic connection.

So, even with all of the dating changes (more on that next), you can still rest assured that a lot hasn’t changed at all. Asking am I too old to date doesn’t take into account that fact that you already have experience in most of the process.

You Can Learn New Tricks

Although a lot has stayed the same with finding relationships, some of the changes are pretty dramatic. For example, online dating and social media have radically changed the dating game. And, as online connections have increased, real world ones, like community events and social clubs, have decreased. This could be an unpleasant new reality.

But, these changes have also brought major opportunities for those willing to embrace them. For example, online dating allows people to connect who never would’ve met under the old methods.

It might seem scary and confusing, but, with time and practice, you can adapt and thrive.

Scientists used to think that your personality was pretty much hard wired by a certain age. However, recent research has shown that the brain is actually “plastic,” meaning changeable. So, an adult of any age can at least partially change and adapt mentally, learning new skills and growing as a person.

Mindset Is Everything

My grandma had an incredible friend who lived life to the fullest and never stopped going on new adventures, even at an advanced age. She embraced social media as a great-great-grandma, got her first tattoo in her 80s, and rode a mechanical bull on her 90th birthday. This woman wasn’t “too old” for anything.

Even the question “are you too old to date?” is inherently defeatist. If you have the right mindset, then you’re never too old to find love or get into any type of relationship you want.

Rewiring the brain after the teenage years is more difficult. This explains why people get “set in their ways” and even those who want change can find it difficult. But, you have to look at your motivations and goals.

If you want to find love, have a meaningful relationship, and find a life partner, then it should be worth the time and effort to get relearn the old skills of dating and master the new ones. But, one thing is for sure: you’ll never succeed if you go in thinking that you’re too old.

Channel Your Inner Youth

I recently took an acting class with a gentleman in his late 50s. He’d never acted before, but always dreamed of being on television. Although he was the oldest by twenty years, he had fun, met a lot of new friends, and successfully completed that class.

Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you have to limit yourself to stereotypical “old person” activities. You can do whatever you want at any age. Get in amazing shape, travel the world, learn to dance, write a novel, or take a class on campus.

Channel your inner youth and live life on your terms, regardless of your age. You’ll also discover that as you live your best life, you’ll meet interesting and fun people who might turn into more than just a friendship.

You’re Not Alone

If your idea of dating is a bunch of young people having fun while everyone over 50 sits around lonely, you need to update your thinking! Lots of people in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond are not only very active in the dating scene, but are defying stereotypes and having a lot of fun.

According to one study, twenty-nine percent of seniors reported going on a date in the last year with someone they met online. Another survey showed that forty percent of adults 65-80 have an active sex life.

And, older adults living together, but not marrying has increased seventy-five percent. So, a lot of people are defying traditional dating norms, even as seniors.

I share these stats to show that if you are older and want to date, get into a relationship, or simply have sex, you’re normal.

You’re not too old to date and you’re not past your prime. If you want to find love, you can at any age. Get out there and do it!

December 9, 2019
When Should You Define The Relationship? Get The Answers!

One of my coaching clients started to quickly fall for a guy she met on Bumble. They went on three dates and really connected. She knew she wanted to get into an actual relationship with him.

But, he continued talking to other women and even went on a couple of dates with them. She knew she had to define the relationship, but didn’t know when.

When should you define the relationship? Women (and men) ask me that question a lot. If you bring up the topic too early, you might seem clingy and needy. If you wait too long, you might lose the person you like.

This article will help you deal with that stressful task of defining a relationship!

Take A Breath

Before I talk about when to define a relationship, I want to first offer a piece of advice that has helped me (and many coaching clients) over the years. Most great relationships happen very organically, meaning that both sides get to know each other, develop feelings, and progress naturally.

In other words, if the spark is there and the chemistry is clear, you don’t have to lose sleep or stress out about defining the relationship. So, first and foremost, take a deep breath and relax!

Start Defining Soon

I just told you to not worry about defining the relationship and now I say to define soon? I’m not crazy. I promise!

I don’t think you should confess your love or ask for exclusivity on your first or second date. But, I do think it’s important, if you like someone, to keep that person regularly updated on your thoughts and feelings about the relationship.

This open and honest communication not only starts the relationship in the right way, but also allows you both to know each other’s intentions without playing a ridiculous guessing game, one that I see played by people of all ages, from awkward teens even up to people in their 60s!

For example, after a great date, let him know you want to see him again. If you’ve gone on several dates and feel a spark, be open and honest that you see the relationship going somewhere.

Online dating has created a culture where people have options and sometimes feel overwhelmed by all the choice. The person you like might be messaging and going on dates with several people. If you’re interested in more commitment, you’ll have to take some initiative.

By being honest and sharing your developing thoughts and feelings, you’re bringing more clarity to the relationship. You’re even defining it, even if the definition starts with “I like you and let’s see where this goes” and evolves to something more serious.

Read the Signs

Many people ask about defining the relationship because they really like someone, but aren’t sure if the other person feels the same way. So, they fear that trying to define the relationship in exclusive terms too soon might push the other person away or risk ruining the relationship.

If you’re worried about defining the relationship because the other person might not feel the same, the best thing is to look for clues he shares your feelings.

First, look for general signs related to romantic interest. Obviously, if you’ve gotten physical, flirt a lot, and seem to connect romantically, then it’s a great start.

If your relationship feels more like a friendship or only seems sexual, then you probably won’t have much success asking for anything exclusive.

Second, pay attention to verbal clues. For example, if he talks about “not wanting a relationship” or “not being ready to settle down” those most likely reflect his true feelings. On the other hand, if he mentions things like marriage, kids, and wanting a relationship, you can assume he’d be open to that with you.

Third, look at his body language, especially when you discuss your feelings about a relationship. Does he seem comfortable, relaxed, and happy? Or does he seem closed off, unhappy, or hesitant? Even if he won’t give you verbal feedback (or is telling you what he thinks you want to hear), his body language can tell you a lot about what he’s really thinking.

Finally, look at the level of time and attention you get. Does he always respond quickly to your texts or are you left on “read” for hours? Does he frequently cancel plans or does he drop everything for you? If you get his time and attention consistently, then that’s a great sign that he likes you in a unique way and wants more.

Do It When You’re Ready

There is enormous outside pressure to define a relationship. This can come from many sources, including family, friends, religion, and culture. Hell, the winter months are even called “cuffing season” from the expectation that you should be in a relationship once it gets cold!

Pressure can also come from within. You might feel like the odd person out if you don’t have a boyfriend. Or, you could fear that if you don’t define the relationship fast enough, you’ll lose the person you love to someone else.

In fact, one of the biggest reasons people ask when should I define the relationship is because they worry that if they don’t define it quickly, their partner will leave or get away. However, this type of fear and worry can ultimately sabotage your relationship goals.

If you’re trying to define the relationship out of fear or pressure, step back and look at your real motivations. Are you doing it for the right reasons or the wrong ones?

Getting into an actual relationship is a huge investment, emotionally and otherwise. You should only go in if you’re in touch with your true feelings and doing it for the right reasons.

That’s why…the best answer to the question when should I define the relationship? It’s: when you’re truly ready!

December 3, 2019
Why Do Guys Never Want A Relationship With You? The Truth Revealed

I have a good friend who wants to find a great guy, settle down with him, and get married. But, while she meets guys who will gladly date her for a while and have sex, none want an actual relationship.

This is one of the top dating problems my female clients face. They want a good guy and a quality relationship. But, the guys only want something short term, non-exclusive, and to have sex. Women yearn for something more and ask why do guys never want a relationship with me?

If you’re asking this question, you probably are in one of two scenarios. You could, like my friend, have plenty of options for dating and sex, but you want more commitment. Or, you might not be getting anything, sex or casual dating, from the guys you like, let alone a relationship.

Either way, this article will be helpful and explain why guys never want a relationship with you. Then, you can make the necessary changes to get into a great relationship.

Many Guys Don’t Want Relationships

In the past, most people followed a common pattern in dating. They met, got to know each other, committed, married, had children, stayed together for life, and died. Other than the last part, this is the stuff of Disney movies and you might believe that you’re owed a “happily ever after” ending too.

Real life, however, is very different. Relationships don’t magically fall into anyone’s lap and they don’t always end well. Not only that, but statistically, people (both men and women) are marrying less than in the past. And, more than half of young people don’t have a steady romantic partner.

Some of this is by choice. Many guys simply want to date around, be single, or avoid settling down. For example, if you look at how men and women behave on dating apps, a small subset of guys tend to get a lot of the female attention. This leads to a steady stream of dates for the most desirable guys, and many enjoy dating around rather than settling down.

So, the question isn’t necessarily why do guys never want a relationship with you? It’s more why do some guys never want a relationship at all?

They Only Want You For Sex

I know many women who are seeing men casually, giving them sex, and then wondering why the men won’t commit.

Guys are great at compartmentalization. That means we can build giant walls that separate parts of our lives. So, you might think sex should mean commitment. But, in his head, sex means continued sex and not always commitment.

If you’re giving him regular sex thinking it will lead to commitment, let me be blunt: it won’t work.

Studies show that male and female brains respond differently to sex. Women release large amounts of oxytocin, a chemical associated with bonding. Men release less oxytocin and more dopamine, which is a pleasure chemical.

This means that when men and women have sex, women develop a deeper bond, but men simply want more sex. Now, a man can certainly commit and bond with women. But, sex isn’t going to suddenly make a non-committal guy change his mind.

You Aren’t Relationship Material (For Them)

Men often have different standards for sex vs. commitment with a woman. For sex, the only standard for most guys really is physical attraction.

One study involved an attractive stranger asking guys to have sex with her that night. Seventy-five percent said they would! For reference, when an attractive stranger asked women to have sex with him, the answer was zero percent.

However, men typically have higher standards when wanting to settle down with someone. Most successful, high quality guys don’t want to be with a woman they think will be dramatic or bring chaos to their lives even if she is physically beautiful, for example.

Now, I don’t judge people for their choices. You should certainly be yourself even if guys don’t approve. But, if you want a relationship with a certain type of guy, you have to ask yourself why he isn’t wanting to settle down with you. It might be that you aren’t his definition of “relationship material.” If so, you’ll have to look at your choices and see what you can change to attract the type of guy you want in your life.

You might actually be what he’s looking for, but have trouble communicating it on first dates or through your social media. In that case, you’ll need to work on projecting your true self to the world.

They Aren’t Ready For Commitment

A friend of mine went through a divorce nearly three years ago. His marriage ended badly and he had a lot of leftover emotional trauma. He wasn’t opposed to relationships, but he definitely wasn’t ready for one.

So, he dated around, met new people, and enjoyed time with different women. But, he wasn’t ready to settle down until recently.

You might be finding men who simply aren’t ready for commitment given their situation in life. They are open to a relationship, maybe even with you. The timing just isn’t right.

The good news is that if you get to know them and they start to love and trust you, they might be ready sooner than later. You just have to wait it out and give them a chance.

You Pick the Wrong Guys

If you’re wondering why guys don’t want a relationship with you, the answer might not be on the outside (the guys), but on the inside (your choices). While a number of men don’t want a relationship or aren’t ready, the majority of men still want to settle down into a relatively traditional relationship.

One survey showed that only thirteen percent of single, never married adults said they opposed marriage. And, over half of single men say they want to marry someday.

So, most guys are open to the idea of long term relationships and even marriage. Perhaps you’re picking guys who aren’t emotionally available or are confirmed bachelors or players. Or, like I mentioned above, you’re only matching with the same small set of highly attractive guys that other women are also matching with.

Or, you might be focusing on only superficial traits (height, wealth, body type, looks good in photos) without considering other aspects (personality, core values) that would indicate he is relationship material.

I invite you to look around our site. Here at Double Trust Dating, we have all kinds of resources to meet great guys for great relationships. You can find that amazing relationship! Sometimes it just takes patience and a little effort.

November 28, 2019
Can A Girl Ask A Guy Out? The Answer Will Surprise You

Each day at lunch, my friend stared at the handsome consultant who worked in the same building. He smiled at her a few times, so I suggested that she ask him out for coffee.

She looked at me like I was crazy! No, she would wait for him to make the first move. After two months of waiting for him and going on dates with awful guys from Bumble, she heard from colleagues that he had gotten a girlfriend.

Can a girl ask a guy out? Many women would say “no way!” especially if they had to do it. Research shows that less than ten percent of women would make the first move with a guy.

However, my answer to the question can a girl ask a guy out is “yes!” In fact, I believe more women should ask guys out. Here’s why.

Times Have Changed

Women make up the majority of university students and dominate in many professions. They are CEOs of companies and heads of state. Feminism and the sexual revolution have transformed the way women function in society and the very nature of society itself.

If you look at the world today vs. fifty years ago the role of women is radically different. Yet, when it comes to asking a guy out, very few women have challenged tradition.

If you, as a woman, can drive, vote, lead a company, serve in the military, and pursue pretty much any career you want, trust me, you can definitely ask a guy out. But, you might ask, why would a girl want to ask a guy out?

It Leads to Better Quality

If you were looking for a job, chances are you’d identify several companies you wanted to work for, create a great resume, and send it to them. While you could certainly sit back and wait for a recruiter to contact you, it would be a risky strategy to find your dream job.

The same is true with finding your dream man. You can’t just sit back and wait for him to come to you.

I hear from women all the time, in my coaching business and among friends, that they can never meet good guys. But, they’re around good guys all of the time, at work, while going out, and elsewhere. But, when those guys don’t ask them out, they don’t take the initiative.

Guys might like you, but not make the first move for many reasons, including fear of rejection, worry about appearing creepy, or shyness.

But, they still could be great guys for a relationship as long as you’re willing to reach out. In fact, research has shown that women who make the first move online ended up with higher quality men.

This might strike fear in your heart. But, you don’t have to overthink it.

Making A Move Isn’t Hard

If you’re wondering can a guy ask a girl out, the answer is yes, but you have to do it the right way. Fortunately, making a move isn’t hard or stressful if done right.

First, be authentic. You don’t have to come up with stupid pickup lines or perform any mental tricks. You can open with something creative, but really, all you have to do is smile and say “hi.”

I’ve met numerous people over the years by simply smiling and saying “hello.”

Second, talk about your surroundings. You conversation doesn’t have to be deep. Look around and talk about the weather, the decor, how the train smells, etc. If he likes you, the content of the conversation matters less than the fact that you are having the conversation.

Finally, you should ask him out. Make it very casual. Just say something simple like, “It’s been fun talking. Here’s my number. Text me and we’ll go out for coffee sometime.” He’ll know what you’re after (a date), but this type of conversation won’t make you seem forward or awkward.

Of course, what if he isn’t interested?

You’ll Survive Rejection

I’m not going to sugarcoat the truth. Rejection hurts, especially if it’s from someone you really like. When people say rejection feels like a punch to the gut, they’re onto something. Research has shown that rejection and physical pain are the same to your brain.

This pain causes many people to avoid rejection at all costs. They’d rather play it safe and let the guy make the move rather than take initiative and risk rejection. However, the pain of rejection isn’t as awful as you think. With time and practice, you can even laugh at rejection and welcome it.

Do you know what is ultimately more painful than rejection? Being alone or settling with guys you don’t really like. Overcoming the short term pain of rejection and asking out someone you really like is worth it to date the guy of your dream.

Guys Welcome It

The number one objection I hear about a girl asking a guy out is that men hate it. Women think we would be offended or upset if they asked us out.

Let me tell you a little secret. We love it when you ask us out! One study concluded that ninety-five percent of men approved of women making the first move. So, you can rest assured that few men will be offended or annoyed by your efforts to ask them out.

Now, this doesn’t mean you’ll always be successful. Just like you’ve turned down many requests for phone numbers or dates, some guys will tell you “no.” But, most guys will do it with kindness and respect.

So, if you have feelings for a guy in your life or just run into a random guy on the street who seems interesting, there’s no reason you can’t ask him out. You might also find the man of your dreams and live happily ever after.

It sure beats waiting around just for some loser to hit on you, right?

November 25, 2019