4 Manipulation Tactics Narcissists and Other Toxic People Use

I’m sure you’ve dealt with toxic people in your life, whether it’s friends, family, or romantic relationships. And, sadly, many times, you’ve likely fallen victim to their manipulation tactics. You’re not alone. We all have.

Toxic men and women are pros at manipulating others for their own benefit. And, if you’ve ever dated an actual narcissist, i.e. a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or someone with strong narcissistic tendencies, you know that it’s even worse. They use manipulation tactics with zero remorse for those they’ve hurt.

This article is going to look at four common toxic manipulation tactics that narcissists and other toxic people use. Knowing what to look for can help you set boundaries, stand up for yourself, and not fall victim to manipulation from anyone toxic again.

Playing the Victim

This is a very common manipulation tactic. When you try to address a problem in the relationship, they turn the tables and make it look like you’re in the wrong. And, that you’re “picking on” them.

This often happens during romantic disagreements where your partner is in the wrong. Rather than that person admitting fault and apologizing to you, they get defensive. Then, they try to act like you confronting them, even nicely, is somehow mean.

This tactic works because it gets you off topic. Usually, you end up defending yourself or consoling them. And, next thing you know, you’re no longer talking about the problem they caused that needs resolved.

Lesser of Two Evils

This is a common technique narcissists use when you confront them about their behavior. It involves defending themselves by saying they could be worse. And, since they could be worse, their current behavior is okay.

For example, an alcoholic partner might say, “Yes, I drink a lot and get angry. But, at least I’m still employed.” Or, “Yeah, I might yell and scream at the kids, but I’ve never laid a hand on them!”

This is manipulative because a behavior doesn’t have to be acceptable just because it could be worse. In the previous examples, losing a job and physical abuse might be worse, but it doesn’t take away from the inappropriate behavior your partner is actually doing.

Blaming the Victim

In this case, the other person recognizes that you are the victim. But, instead of apologizing and changing their behavior to stop hurting you, they turn things around and act like everything is your fault.

Let’s use the alcoholic example from earlier. They might say that their drinking and resulting anger are because you work too much or don’t give them enough support. In other words, you, the victim of their abuse is actually responsible for the abuse (in their mind).

This tactic is very dangerous because you can easily internalize their criticism and believe that it really is your fault. Victim blaming is very common in domestic abuse situations and can stop people from getting help. You might excuse their bad behavior because you feel like their critique is valid or feel inadequate as a partner.

Remember, though, that bad behavior is never justified. Even if you could improve yourself (we all can), you are never to blame for someone else’s abusive behavior or toxic issues.

Tu Quoque

This phrase is Latin for “you too.” It describes how someone will accuse you of doing the same thing as a way of getting them off the hook and to draw attention away from their bad behavior.

So, you could be confronting them about an inappropriate relationship at work and they try to bring the topic back to something you did at some point, like pointing out how you got a little flirty with a friend a few years ago at a bar.

This toxic manipulation tactic often works because you might feel guilty about your behavior in the past. But, remember that no one is perfect. And, your behavior in the past doesn’t justify their bad behavior in the present, especially if you’ve improved and made amends.

So, beware of these manipulation tactics. They are very common among narcissistic and toxic people. But, even people you normally trust might use them too. No matter who uses them, don’t fall for them!